Self Awareness - Tumblr Posts
37 -
Some shower thoughts..
My fatal flaw or hubris is that I care about being beautiful. For most of my life, I’ve thought being beautiful would solve all my problems. I care so much about the appearance I present to the world, probably because what’s underneath is messy and raw. Hello, it’s me, the walking cliché.
I’ve put so much money, time, and value into this. For vanity.
I’m obsessive about it, to the point where I notice it on other people. You know how people say nobody will notice that zit? Sorry to tell ya…but I notice. Don’t mind me, I’m just projecting my insecurities onto other people so I don’t have to deal with them.
I would never let it affect my opinion of someone else and yet it forms the basis of my opinion of myself.
I’ve spent hours picking at my skin, pulling out my hair, using all the lotions and serums to achieve some mythical standard of perfection that is forever elusive.
I’m going to school to be an esthetician because “it’s a passion” but I think it actually comes from this need to look perfect. To be desired. An insecurity. Although I have a really hard time admitting this at face value.
Objectively speaking, I am beautiful. People stop me in the store or on the street just to pay me the compliment. I’m used to it (I sound so arrogant but not trying to be), I hate to admit that sometimes I expect it & I’ve let it define me - and I often wonder if I were to suffer some great accident that took the beauty away, who would I be? Because so much of my worth is wrapped up in that. Really sad to admit this.
The thing is though, is supposedly, my character is also beautiful. I’m warm, I carry around granola bars to give to homeless people, I am genuinely curious about others to better understand them, I don’t make friends to get ahead, I don’t judge, I pay attention to the little things & I get excited for others’ joy.
I can never feel that part of me though. Listing positive things about myself brings me as much feeling as filling out paperwork or pointing out countries on a map.
I think we all have a deep seeded limiting belief like this. For some it’s money, for others it can be power, status, the list goes on. Making sure we have this - whatever it is - keeps us from feeling fractured. Like we have it all together even if we don’t.
None of us have it all together. When I was young, I used to take the opinions and advice of adults as truths. I always thought that when I’m an adult, I’ll have it all figured out like they do.
I’m turning 30 next year and I’m realizing that literally no one has any idea what the fuck they are doing.
Driving on our move - it was 20+ hours - was the therapy I didn’t know I needed lol. I came to terms with some things via: imaginary conversations with people, crying, letting my mind wander with the scenery, and belting out the lyrics to old school alternative (circa 2000’s, if you know then you know what’s good).
Not really sure where I’m going with this. Just reflecting. I spend a lot of time in my head.
40 -
Some would say that “you need to love yourself first before someone else can love you”. I disagree. I think people who love you can show you how to love yourself. You have to believe them when they say that they love your dark brown eyes, so dark that they can lose themselves in them. You have to believe them when they say that you’re one of the funniest people they know. You have to believe them when they tell you that you have a kind heart, that you are honest to a fault.
That’s the problem right? Believing them. Because they don’t know you like you know you. And you know all the ugly parts, the ones they can’t see.
I think when someone loves you - loves the good and the messy - when they love you unconditionally, that love can fill you to the brim. When you can trust that they see you, the raw real you and love you in spite of it all, because of it all…it’s like holding up a mirror so you can love yourself too. So you can see yourself the way they see you.
I think the people who stay in our lives, who weather the storms even when we ourselves are the storms - look to them to see where the light is in you. Because it is there.
I’ve started to really look at myself…to really love myself. To appreciate my body: it’s a temple where parts of me have died only to be reborn again. To appreciate my mind: it moves at the speed of light and has a charm impossible not to love.
I’m still early on but I’m excited to see where I go.
I’m grateful to my greater She. I remember that She is within me, guiding me. She is the one uncovering my eyes to see the light.
With that, feeling morose and pessimistic and apathetic and just stuck. But I still have so much to be thankful for.
The self awareness & faith I have these days (in the greater plan) is priceless to me.
Each day a little better and brighter. :)
45 -
Warning: I got a lot to say (as usual).
I got married!! Again. Hehe, finally had our weekend we booked two years ago. It was absolutely stunning. But it was a lot. Can we normalize not wanting a big wedding or even a wedding at all? Can we normalize wedding anxiety? Can we normalize dreading big events?
Can everyone just understand that I had a difficult childhood so big intense emotions are terrifying for me and I usually use alcohol/drugs to tamp it down so I can still experience them, albeit distantly. Not excusing, just explaining.
Also - hello this shit is expensive! And we had a frugal wedding.
In the sense that, as a bride, I feel like I should be all sparkles in my eyes and over the moon and dancing on a rainbow - but really, it was my nightmare. My ADHD was in overdrive & the whole weekend felt like a blackout. Reading personal intimate vows in front of people? No thank you lol. Having all eyes on me? I’ll pass. Feeling immense pressure to have ONE perfect day? I’d rather crack.
But I did it anyway. I’m glad I did. And I did all the super emotionally intense parts, sober as a priest. Yay!
Some positives: I’m so lucky to have people who will travel just to celebrate with me. My mom made a speech…it was poetic & very sweet. She described me as “radiant, effervescent, and vivacious”. Like?????? :) I love a good vocabulary.
Umm my stepdad made a speech and he was a freaking VIBE. We haven’t always gotten along but he loves my mom fiercely & is so supportive of her. So I can’t really fault the guy, even if sometimes I’m just like *points to head* “wtf is going on up there?”. I also got some quality time with my extended family, whom I rarely see. They flew over two oceans and two continents just to be with me for this day! Like how amazing is that. :)
The whole night looked like something out of a fairytale with a bohemian theme and fairy lights. Turqoiuse waters & perfect white sand. It was dreamy and picturesque and beautiful.
On top of that, I have friends in all places - I’m not really a one group friend. So it’s a little unnerving to have everyone come together (Will they get along? Will there be drama? Will it be awkward? Will I be so focused on everyone else’s experience that I forget to enjoy my own? LOL but really)
But it was so so much better than I could have ever imagined. We all had a blast!
Speaking OF sobriety, yeah we broke that shit. I had my first alcoholic drink in almost 5 months. Now, those of the I bleed AA variety would freak out because yes, I relapsed. And omg haven’t I read the big book that says I can never ever ever have a drink again? What will Bill think? /s
But hear me out: I discussed my choice to drink with my therapist prior to actually doing it. I had a support system and a harm reduction plan in place. And, I’ve been doing a LOT of work in the last few months to identify, forgive, heal myself & limiting beliefs/negative thought patterns. Ya know, the ones that I used alcohol and drugs to cope with. I’m not anywhere close to where I’d like to be but I’m a hell of a lot farther away from who I used to be.
As my therapist put it: “It seems like this is a symbolic decision for you. Kind of like a “fuck you I am in charge of my life & I can make my own decisions and I don’t care what anyone else thinks”. She’s not wrong.
BUT BUT BUT here’s the best part! Yes I drank, however all it did was remind me of how shitty alcohol actually feels. I don’t miss the hangovers one bit. I enjoy feeling semi-stable in my emotional sense. I like feeling clear headed. Also drinking a lot makes you bloated and more susceptible to gaining extra weight. We want to be snatched always!!!!
I am going back to my life with no intention or desire to drink. No desperate wanting to escape. How freaking wild. Now what works for me may not work for anyone else - but again, sobriety & recovery are so unique to everyone. Everyone’s story starts from the same feelings, but recovery is not a one size fits all.
With all of that being said - I feel super good these days. Not in like a manic & overstimulated way, but a sort of quiet peace that comes with feeling like I am really loving myself for all that I have been, all that I am, and all that I will be.
I want to live my life & the idea of all the things I can do is exciting now. I no longer feel (constantly) like I’m drudging through the monotony of life. I know bad days will come. So will good days. Slowly but surely, I am creating new habits that take me further from my past and closer to the light of my future.
I came to the realization that who fucking cares? The world and the people in my life (though with the best of intentions) will tell me who they think I should be. Will tell me how to fit the mold. But I don’t care about fitting the mold anymore. I don’t want to apologize for having needs and existing. I have people who love all the little bits of me and have always loved them, despite my inner critic telling me I have to earn it.
I decide who I am.
I mean, there’s tons of awful fucking people in the world, who are still loved by someone. Like even Hitler had his main squeeze til the final breath. If that’s any consolation lol.
And just from a nerdy math perspective… statistically speaking, there are 8B+ people in the world. If 10 don’t like me or don’t get me, theres 10 more that do!
I trust my inner She to guide me to where I want to be and to attract the people that I need. These days I have faith.
Each day a little better and brighter.
55 -
Life trucks on.
I really struggled in June. Fell into a depressive episode that lasted almost the whole month. I missed half the days of school and I smoked weed to deal with how miserable I felt.
Normally I’d beat myself up about this. Another fucking setback.
Instead I’m choosing to remember that change does not happen overnight. It’s the little steps, sometimes tiny ones even, that add up over time.
I got on new meds for ADHD and depression and they seem to be helping significantly. I quit weed and now we are a sober potato all day long. I’m still in the early stages so I’m definitely feeling out of it, distracted, irritable, antsy, BORED!
But I keep reminding myself of the bigger picture.
It’s so god damn hard.
A cornerstone of my depression is lack of interest, in anything. I don’t know where it went but it’s been gone for some time. I want it back.
I want to wake up feeling optimistic, energized and ready to take on the world.
I’ve realized a lot of life is built on faith - in others, in myself, in good things coming. Faith is hard to develop when you’ve spent your whole life thinking the opposite. But I’m working on it.
As usual, I am a beautiful work in progress. Each day, a little better & brighter. And I have come so far already :)
70 -
What a day this has turned into. I found out a coworker that was let go last week may have blabbed about my drinking problem - likely to shift the spotlight.
I understand but I really don’t. I wouldn’t do that to another person.
I don’t want my substance abuse issues to ruin yet another thing in my life. I’m really trying not to let it.
You know? I am doing my best. Sometimes my best means more one day and less on another. Sometimes my best means doing it half assed instead of avoiding it.
I’m not perfect and I am horribly inconsistent in everything I do but I still try. I acknowledge my vulnerabilities and embrace my strengths.
As an addict, there’s a stigma associated with it. Once people know, I fear that’s all they see.
It’s all I’ve seen for a long, long time.
I have come far and I continue to learn.
I know that 99% of the time, people’s actions & behaviors have more to do with themselves than with me. The way they behave is as a result of their thought patterns and beliefs. It’s hard not to take it personally. Especially as an insecure only child - surprise!! It really had nothing to do with me all along.
I feel invalidated. Someone else is using my vulnerability and pain to hide theirs. How twisted huh.
It’s almost like that voice in my head, the one that says “you are a piece of shit, you’ll never amount to anything worthy and you’ll always struggle” - she got a little louder after being quiet for a while. Ugh.
Tomorrow will be a good day, I know it. Day over day it’s hard to see the evolution but I look back to a year ago and ….. definitely not where I want to be BUT I think I might actually like myself now?
If I say love, I’m afraid I’ll jinx it.
So we are making moves and improving and when people try to take us out, we say NOT TODAY SATAN!!!!
Cheers lol
73 -
I am afraid I will never kick my issues. Right when I think I’ve got a grip, I slip. Again, and again, and again.
I’m so sick of this.
How many more mistakes do I need to make? What is it going to take for me to stop?
I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Ugh.
Embracing Courage: Moving Through Fear
Shaina Tranquilino
June 20, 2024
Fear is a universal human experience, a natural response to the unknown or perceived threats. It can be paralyzing, limiting our potential and preventing us from reaching our goals. Yet, at its core, fear also presents an opportunity for growth and transformation. It challenges us to confront our limitations, redefine our boundaries, and ultimately, discover our inner resilience.
Understanding Fear
Fear manifests in various forms: fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, or even fear of success. It's crucial to recognize that fear is not inherently negative; it's a mechanism designed to protect us. However, when fear becomes excessive or irrational, it can hinder our personal and professional development.
Acknowledging Fear
The first step in moving through fear is acknowledging its presence. It's okay to feel afraid; it's a natural part of being human. By acknowledging our fears, we prevent them from controlling us. Take a moment to identify what specifically triggers your fear and explore the underlying reasons behind it.
Cultivating Self-awareness
Self-awareness is key to understanding how fear operates within us. Reflect on past experiences where fear held you back. What were the consequences? How did you respond? Understanding your typical fear responses equips you with the knowledge to better manage them in the future.
Setting Clear Intentions
Define what you want to achieve despite your fears. Setting clear intentions shifts your focus from the fear itself to the desired outcome. Break down your goals into smaller, manageable steps. Each small success builds momentum and boosts your confidence to tackle larger challenges.
Embracing Vulnerability
Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness, yet it is a profound source of strength. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we open doors to empathy, connection, and personal growth. Share your fears and aspirations with trusted friends or mentors who can provide support and encouragement.
Taking Action
Action is the antidote to fear. Start with small actions that challenge your comfort zone. Each step forward diminishes the grip of fear and reinforces your belief in your abilities. Celebrate your progress and learn from setbacks without letting them derail your momentum.
Practicing Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself throughout this journey. Overcoming fear is not about perfection but progress. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend facing similar challenges. Recognize and celebrate your courage, resilience, and determination.
Embracing Growth
Moving through fear is not a linear process; it's a continuous cycle of facing challenges and evolving. Each experience of overcoming fear strengthens your confidence and resilience. Embrace the lessons learned along the way and use them to propel yourself further toward your goals.
Fear is a powerful force that can either hold us back or propel us forward. By understanding, acknowledging, and confronting our fears, we unlock our true potential and discover new possibilities. Embrace courage as a guiding force in your journey towards personal and professional fulfillment. Remember, the path through fear is not easy, but it is undoubtedly worth it.
In the words of Nelson Mandela, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it." So, dare to confront your fears, embrace discomfort, and embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth.
Watch out guys I'm becoming self-aware
ig: @i-want-to-be-a-writer
full offence but nobody is immune to propaganda so instead of shitting on somebody's attempt to educate themselves and be better, because you think "oh but i ALREADY knew the truth x years ago," how about you look in the mirror and think about that one time YOU fell for some bullshit too
im too self aware i wanna be dumb and impulsive like everyone else
I lie to myself all the time, but I never believe me. -SE Hinton, The Outsiders.
... Not exactly wrong ...
In the last few months things have been more abnormal, than normal for me. It’s pretty interesting to say that I find myself operating at a level of chaos that I shouldn’t be. Hectic situations are like being able to see the sun clearly. Where others only see purple storm clouds. I have always been grown. My youth was stolen from me. Ripped from the cage in my chest that holds my little beating heart. The adults around me forged a weapon against one another fom my little remains. Mother and child against father with son. Kin against kin.
Since the age of 7 years, adults have questioned me! Told me! Volun-told me what I should think and what I should do.
From there I was told how I should feel about my mother and ill fitting she was. And I was told about how much a loser my father was. Nothing, was fair for me. No experience of greatness thrusted for me to experiment of what I had come from. Only what I supposedly lacked.
By the ones we call family. On both sides, are the ones that create situations that ultimately have nothing to do with them. It’s always when the shoe is placed on the other foot they see how it feels.. …With no regret, I practice my bitch craft and I practice it fiercely. No hold bars. And anyone can catch a sift blade of my palatial sword. Burn from my relentless gaze.
I. Still angry because no one want to hear me speak. Vent, let out all of that anger. Tell my truth. I need to have the. Own up to what they have done. Admit that you were wrong and that I cost me emotionally type venting. In the end everything feels as it doesn’t matter because I was not planned more wanted in the first place. The shadows of there faces linger on my thought because I have been on my own for a very long while. I have been creating my own families. And still nothing ever compares. In one way or another I am, in the subtlest of ways. Reminded of my place in these places. In these groups, in these homes. I think that I will feel at ease. And at home, when I create my own organic family. Find my partner. Build a home. Create a stable life. And have babies.
I think that I’m ready to do this and never look back at those who I have come from. To never let my children and partner know what foolery, ignorance and contemptuous people that I birth from. “Now Is the time. Now is the hour. Now is the magic. Now is the power!”
KNOWING WHEN TO SAY WHEN!!!
I say knowing to say when in the tittle because. I'm still learning this. Hopefully you all can get some help from this or even advise me on this too.
When I was a Gaybe = Gay baby. I would use humor to have people over look my homosexuality. It was my way of feeling safe in other peoples presence. Little did I know there was no such thing. I have learn that they just tolerated me. A feeling I wish on no one. A feeling of, I'm only here because you feel like dealing with me at this moment. I bring this up because of the first valuable life lesson that I learned was. To not allow my loyalty to enslave me.
What I have noticed about myself is that. I like to stick with what I know and with what I am comfortable with. And part of that for me is loyalty. It's a quality I truly value in people. Something I was shown very little of as a child and in my early 20's.
I noticed that I was a giver. I would give my time. My energy, my love. My. Almost everything. To me, this was being loyal. What I had not known was that I lacked boundaries. I lacked self awareness and self love. You see my mother since the age of 8 has been telling me that she could not wait until I was 18, so she could kick me out. That I was a problem child and what not. I use to feel bad about being male. She would get mad at me for not doing traditional male things but she pushed men out of my life. So how was I supposed to do. How was I supposed to KNOW!!!
Little did she know, I knew. That she was not really mad at me. But mad at my father. I looked just like him! I looked like a spitting image of that man. For that I believe she did not want me or love me the way I needed to be. Because of what ever issues those two had with one another.
I also know that my father was a whore. I mean, I cant blame him. He was handsome as fuck. Still kind of is. My father is a quarter french a quarter Puerto Rican and fifty percent Blacktino. My father is a sexy pasty man. lol When people look at me they think I'ma mulato. Part Black and part White. No latino, but there are those of us who can Identify me. Which always made me feel good about myself.
So going back into this " SAY WHEN!" Business. These experiences that I had. With my mother and the guest appearances from my father. Has let me know how much value I had to them. This is how, in my opinion, children start to form their Identities. Thus, where Loyalty has become a pillar I look for in other people.
However, what I lacked and were cracks, created in this pillar was "CONSISTENCY." Can you continue to be a loyal person to me. On this journey, I looked for love of a mother and love from friends. And I had found it. Or so I thought........ to be continued!!!
“Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.”
Robert Holden