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Some shower thoughts..

My fatal flaw or hubris is that I care about being beautiful. For most of my life, I’ve thought being beautiful would solve all my problems. I care so much about the appearance I present to the world, probably because what’s underneath is messy and raw. Hello, it’s me, the walking cliché.

I’ve put so much money, time, and value into this. For vanity.

I’m obsessive about it, to the point where I notice it on other people. You know how people say nobody will notice that zit? Sorry to tell ya…but I notice. Don’t mind me, I’m just projecting my insecurities onto other people so I don’t have to deal with them.

I would never let it affect my opinion of someone else and yet it forms the basis of my opinion of myself.

I’ve spent hours picking at my skin, pulling out my hair, using all the lotions and serums to achieve some mythical standard of perfection that is forever elusive.

I’m going to school to be an esthetician because “it’s a passion” but I think it actually comes from this need to look perfect. To be desired. An insecurity. Although I have a really hard time admitting this at face value.

Objectively speaking, I am beautiful. People stop me in the store or on the street just to pay me the compliment. I’m used to it (I sound so arrogant but not trying to be), I hate to admit that sometimes I expect it & I’ve let it define me - and I often wonder if I were to suffer some great accident that took the beauty away, who would I be? Because so much of my worth is wrapped up in that. Really sad to admit this.

The thing is though, is supposedly, my character is also beautiful. I’m warm, I carry around granola bars to give to homeless people, I am genuinely curious about others to better understand them, I don’t make friends to get ahead, I don’t judge, I pay attention to the little things & I get excited for others’ joy.

I can never feel that part of me though. Listing positive things about myself brings me as much feeling as filling out paperwork or pointing out countries on a map.

I think we all have a deep seeded limiting belief like this. For some it’s money, for others it can be power, status, the list goes on. Making sure we have this - whatever it is - keeps us from feeling fractured. Like we have it all together even if we don’t.

None of us have it all together. When I was young, I used to take the opinions and advice of adults as truths. I always thought that when I’m an adult, I’ll have it all figured out like they do.

I’m turning 30 next year and I’m realizing that literally no one has any idea what the fuck they are doing.

Driving on our move - it was 20+ hours - was the therapy I didn’t know I needed lol. I came to terms with some things via: imaginary conversations with people, crying, letting my mind wander with the scenery, and belting out the lyrics to old school alternative (circa 2000’s, if you know then you know what’s good).

Not really sure where I’m going with this. Just reflecting. I spend a lot of time in my head.

Instagram @ blcksmth

If you’ve found yourself transforming and renewing yourself lately, but you’re unsure what’s coming your way — this is a sign that your soul is preparing you for a huge blessing to enter your life. 🕊 trust , it is arriving in divine timing.

June Jordan, from "Poem For Nana", Directed by Desire: The Collected Poems

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i dont understand