Relapse - Tumblr Posts
TW VENT ‼️
TW for $h + BPD episode + eyestrain under cut
You ever just have a BPD episode and just have this moment :D
Alcohol
I just had a beer. The first alcohol I've consumed in a long long time.
darkside
I'm going all dark again, a little bit. or maybe the itnernet makes it easy to pretend to be one way or another. what ever, I've tried to eat a live a few teen girls who type "I"M proud to be psyco" or "i'm insane, deal with it"
so yeah. would of been almost fun to see anon raids, or hateing haters, stir up the fun. I seem to be obcessed(which it's ok to be obcessed, no shame in that!)
so, how much of tumblr has people proud to be obcessed with baby snuff porn? I mean, I really would like to see these tragic things happen. even if I need to spend months and months of creative lies to make the most questionable person ever. to see how much the world lights up with someone...dying over, being bullied for "being obcessed with toddlercon snuff porn" I just don't have anyone, and know to fake deaths in real life, outside of "person presumed missing". you can't hijack the airwaves and all the news with that, and I know from the "truthers" people want bodies. those sick fuckers say SandyHook shooting didn't happen/was all stated with actors, because they did not publish photos of the bodies. what the hell kind of person wants to see dead children?
so I can only assume that, people will have feelings, for someone who did die of sad, because evil people will tell someone to kill themself, if they write fan fiction that involves cartoon children, gore and brutal rape.
Now come on, tell me, tell me you would support them, you would right?
you would even if it was done for "the lulz" or only if a 13 year old writes it "because it is the only thing keeping them alive" and you never bash what people like. because those stories they write are make believe! and telling someone to die in a hole for it is hurting. it's murder.
this whole carade, it's easier than making a movie about said events, a mix of real and fake drama, and faked deaths, sock puppet haters, and someone doing questionable things. like how you don't tell raciests off (no really, it's so not cool to tell anyone to kill themself, even if they say to kill all Muslims, or bomb Asia or anything. not even a kid who microwaves kittens. trust me on this, I troll facebook with these "what ifs" and I get supprising answers of "nobody deserves.....") nobody deserves, and yet those same people are most likly going to bitch about offensive media, like "Oh no, another save the princess video game" or "this movie is horrible, and women hating, the female character dies brutal death" why is that important? they will tell me I'm wrong for making them sad, yet if I made horrible movies, they can bitch about me and be heros
now where was I? I don't know.
maybe I'll blame my messes on my bipolar2. that is what the cool kids do right?
Feeling Unwell
I do not believe I am well. Although, I don't believe I'm quite entirely unwell. Then again, it is said that the insane are unaware of their own insanity and that their frail grip on what they deem as sanity is, in fact, a self imposed lie. My reasoning behind my assumption is that simply, I am not feeling as up-to-standard as I once had. I lay on my bed or couch, nearly unable to move or even get up to feed myself. Not because I deem it unnecessary but simply because I find myself incapable of taking those steps to sit up, lay my feet on the floor, stand, and complete the desired task. I find myself indulging in a strange behavior. I crawl into the space underneath my bed, curl into the darkness, and weep. I do it because I have deemed that space, a place I cannot see my own flaws and the outside world can neither hear or be heard by me, as something akin to safety. Or perhaps it is just a hiding place; similar to how as children, we used to hide under the covers searching for that familiar darkness. I have also found myself weeping in my car, bathrooms, and anywhere I seem to be alone. I've even almost began to weep mid-conversation, and not for any easily discernible reason. It just feels like I have a deep, growing sadness, similar to a sickness. I fear the day I move on from hiding under my bed like a child frightened of the world above, and go wearily into death's unwelcoming embrace.
I do not know what help I should ask for or even if the help I am receiving is nothing but a bandaid designed to shield the wound rather than heal it. Although, I notice now, I am still taking the effort that feels nearly impossible at some moments. I sat up, put my feet on the floor, stood, and went to work. Then, after a disappointing shower, I laid on the couch watching a show with my father, trying not to weep as I did earlier today. After being inspired by the pangs of hunger, and being shortly dismayed by my seemingly newfound and temporary inability to rise, I stood and made a disappointing microwavable dinner. I write this while neglecting that half eaten dinner, but I timidly congratulate myself for even bothering to get up, go to work, take a shower, and make myself a low effort meal. Despite my feeling unwell, I do know that I have at least a few more moments before I give up completely. I do not know the cause of my sadness, I just know it is there once more, and I wish to remove it like the tumour it is making itself out to be.
Relapse is not failure. Relapse is not failure. Relapse is not failure.
Relapse does not mean you are incapable of quitting. The “cold turkey” narrative simply does not work for everyone. In fact, it’s kind of unrealistic. You can slowly wean yourself off of dependencies, distorted ways of thinking, habits, etc. Of course it would be difficult for you to take something you’ve held close to you for years, toss it away, and never go looking for it again. Recovery is something you practice- it is unreasonable to expect that you get it right the first few times. Making mistakes is how to learn what not to do! If you can quit right away and do, great! Hell yes! But if you can’t, you are not weak, nor are you an embarrassment for struggling; recovery is simply not as easy for some because everyone’s trauma and life situation is different. I struggle, too. You are not alone. I am proud of you for striving for recovery, even if it feels impossible sometimes. One day, it can be different. Even if you make mistakes time and time again, you will feel worse if you never try to get to that day at all. We can do this.
#meme #dankmemes #memes #memesdaily #relate #relateable #relateablequotes #relateablememes #mentalhealth #mentalillness #mentalillnessawareness #mentalillnessmemes #mentalillnessfeelslike #depressionhelp #ed #eathealthy #eatingdisorder #eatinghealthy #ana #anorexia #anorexiaproblems #anorexianervosarecovery #anorexiarecover #anorexiafighter #relapse #relapsequotes #music #musician #musicislife https://www.instagram.com/p/B5V4453p9yD/?igshid=1xmno1hznhe3j
Language and Possible Trigger Warning...
This will sound overdramatic, but... sometimes I don't even know why I bother to hope. This month has been bad day after bad day ever since the 1st, no exaggeration.
The record of days that haven't devolved is FOUR. FUCKING FOUR DAYS OF A BREAK BEFORE EVERYTHING WENT TO HELL AGAIN.
AND AFTER THAT? FUCKING ONE!!
I'm so done right now. This family problems I've been dealing with have been at their worst! I just. Can't. TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
It feels like it's just going to be day after day of misery and anger and confusion! I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT'S WRONG, THIS TIME! THIS IS THE FIRST DAY THAT I'VE BEEN ALONE WITH THIS FAMILY MEMBER AND THEY SEEMED FINE YESTERDAY! WEAK, BUT FINE!!
I can't believe it took me THIS long to start crying. REALLY crying. I want to scream and throw things and just jump OUT A GODDAMN WINDOW!
I've been trying SO HARD to get into mermay and I have some ideas, but writing is exhausting and I just can't do it! This could've been the first time I ever took part in something like this, but HELL IS HERE AND IT ISN'T GOING AWAY!
This family member was going on vacation with their spouse during the first week of June and I'd FINALLY have a break and the house to myself.
Ha.
Like THAT'S actually going to happen.
It's too good to happen. It WON'T happen, simple as that. I'm not even going to hope for anything better.
It's ironic to me that the year 2020 was the year my family suffered the least, but all of 2021 and 2022 had been pain and anxiety over family members. I wanted SO BAD for this year to not be worse. These family members are just dying of old age! It's made me realize just how SHIT our country treats older people. Bodies failing, dementia, FUCK THAT! THEY CAN'T LEAVE WHEN THEY WANT BY ASKING TO BE EUTHANIZED IN A HOSPITAL AND DIE WITH DIGNITY AND AS THEMSELVES! THEY HAVE TO FUCKING SUFFER PAIN AND HUMILIATION UNTIL THEY DIE AS SHELL OF THEIR FORMER SELVES, AND EVERYONE THEY LOVE HAS TO SUFFER AND STRUGGLE AND FALL BACK INTO AWFUL HABITS AND DISEASES AND IT JUST DOESN'T END!
FUCK PEOPLE!
I just... I can't handle this anymore. I'm not going to kill myself or anything; even if I wanted to it'd be the worse thing I can do to my family. They don't need or deserve that on top of everything else.
I just want to hide and hibernate until all this pain is over. I just want to wrap myself in a blanket cocoon and sleep until everything is less shit in the world.
The person I trusted most, the one I was closest to in the entire world, is figuratively dead.
Relapse
You know the feeling you get before you fall? That brief moment of complete panic. Imagine having that but for 15 minutes. 30 minutes. Maybe an hour. And then once that has passed imagine the feeling of complete emptiness. You feel numb. The numbness can go on for hours. Days. Weeks. That's what my depression/anxiety relapse feels like. I panic, knowing that it's gonna happen again but it always ends up getting worse.
shoutout to the people going through a relapse. The ones who thought thing we’re getting better but now they are back to the start. To the ones who could feel it happening and hated feeling their lives slip through their fingers. To the ones who have had multiple relapses and just want it to end. You are all so strong. Stronger than you think you are. You guys are brave. Braver than you can imagine. You will all make it. I believe in you. I know it’s hard but you will win this battle. You can do this.
45 -
Warning: I got a lot to say (as usual).
I got married!! Again. Hehe, finally had our weekend we booked two years ago. It was absolutely stunning. But it was a lot. Can we normalize not wanting a big wedding or even a wedding at all? Can we normalize wedding anxiety? Can we normalize dreading big events?
Can everyone just understand that I had a difficult childhood so big intense emotions are terrifying for me and I usually use alcohol/drugs to tamp it down so I can still experience them, albeit distantly. Not excusing, just explaining.
Also - hello this shit is expensive! And we had a frugal wedding.
In the sense that, as a bride, I feel like I should be all sparkles in my eyes and over the moon and dancing on a rainbow - but really, it was my nightmare. My ADHD was in overdrive & the whole weekend felt like a blackout. Reading personal intimate vows in front of people? No thank you lol. Having all eyes on me? I’ll pass. Feeling immense pressure to have ONE perfect day? I’d rather crack.
But I did it anyway. I’m glad I did. And I did all the super emotionally intense parts, sober as a priest. Yay!
Some positives: I’m so lucky to have people who will travel just to celebrate with me. My mom made a speech…it was poetic & very sweet. She described me as “radiant, effervescent, and vivacious”. Like?????? :) I love a good vocabulary.
Umm my stepdad made a speech and he was a freaking VIBE. We haven’t always gotten along but he loves my mom fiercely & is so supportive of her. So I can’t really fault the guy, even if sometimes I’m just like *points to head* “wtf is going on up there?”. I also got some quality time with my extended family, whom I rarely see. They flew over two oceans and two continents just to be with me for this day! Like how amazing is that. :)
The whole night looked like something out of a fairytale with a bohemian theme and fairy lights. Turqoiuse waters & perfect white sand. It was dreamy and picturesque and beautiful.
On top of that, I have friends in all places - I’m not really a one group friend. So it’s a little unnerving to have everyone come together (Will they get along? Will there be drama? Will it be awkward? Will I be so focused on everyone else’s experience that I forget to enjoy my own? LOL but really)
But it was so so much better than I could have ever imagined. We all had a blast!
Speaking OF sobriety, yeah we broke that shit. I had my first alcoholic drink in almost 5 months. Now, those of the I bleed AA variety would freak out because yes, I relapsed. And omg haven’t I read the big book that says I can never ever ever have a drink again? What will Bill think? /s
But hear me out: I discussed my choice to drink with my therapist prior to actually doing it. I had a support system and a harm reduction plan in place. And, I’ve been doing a LOT of work in the last few months to identify, forgive, heal myself & limiting beliefs/negative thought patterns. Ya know, the ones that I used alcohol and drugs to cope with. I’m not anywhere close to where I’d like to be but I’m a hell of a lot farther away from who I used to be.
As my therapist put it: “It seems like this is a symbolic decision for you. Kind of like a “fuck you I am in charge of my life & I can make my own decisions and I don’t care what anyone else thinks”. She’s not wrong.
BUT BUT BUT here’s the best part! Yes I drank, however all it did was remind me of how shitty alcohol actually feels. I don’t miss the hangovers one bit. I enjoy feeling semi-stable in my emotional sense. I like feeling clear headed. Also drinking a lot makes you bloated and more susceptible to gaining extra weight. We want to be snatched always!!!!
I am going back to my life with no intention or desire to drink. No desperate wanting to escape. How freaking wild. Now what works for me may not work for anyone else - but again, sobriety & recovery are so unique to everyone. Everyone’s story starts from the same feelings, but recovery is not a one size fits all.
With all of that being said - I feel super good these days. Not in like a manic & overstimulated way, but a sort of quiet peace that comes with feeling like I am really loving myself for all that I have been, all that I am, and all that I will be.
I want to live my life & the idea of all the things I can do is exciting now. I no longer feel (constantly) like I’m drudging through the monotony of life. I know bad days will come. So will good days. Slowly but surely, I am creating new habits that take me further from my past and closer to the light of my future.
I came to the realization that who fucking cares? The world and the people in my life (though with the best of intentions) will tell me who they think I should be. Will tell me how to fit the mold. But I don’t care about fitting the mold anymore. I don’t want to apologize for having needs and existing. I have people who love all the little bits of me and have always loved them, despite my inner critic telling me I have to earn it.
I decide who I am.
I mean, there’s tons of awful fucking people in the world, who are still loved by someone. Like even Hitler had his main squeeze til the final breath. If that’s any consolation lol.
And just from a nerdy math perspective… statistically speaking, there are 8B+ people in the world. If 10 don’t like me or don’t get me, theres 10 more that do!
I trust my inner She to guide me to where I want to be and to attract the people that I need. These days I have faith.
Each day a little better and brighter.
54 EM Songs In My Phone 😅 Not A Old But A Growing Fan :P #eminem #slim_shady #recovery #mmlp2 #relapse #mmlp #the_eminem_show
Tw: ed
Why do most of my friends have eating disorders??? And why am I falling back into mineee?
Seeing myself is making me nauseous and I am getting bigger and bigger by the day.
I thought I really beat it. I was doing so great and accepted my body as it is but now I can't anymore.
There is so much fat. I am just fat. So big. So much. I have to get smaller again.
I try so hard not to throw up after I've eaten. I try so hard to eat normal portions. But I see myself replacing food with water and clenching cravings with ice cubes again.
Chewing gum is keeping my mouth occupied while I try and eat something else.
It's getting harder again. And I think I kind of want to be consumed by it.
Preparing hot chocolate because relapsing is not the answerrrrrr
