Drug Relapse - Tumblr Posts

Wow I know

Self Inflicted(TW*)

With a needle in hand and ice in her veins,

She carves her pain onto her skin with no restrain.

Blood drips like tears from her broken heart,

The addiction consumes her, tearing her apart.

Each prick of the needle brings temporary relief,

But the scars on her skin are a cruel thief.

She's trapped in a cycle of self-inflicted pain,

Unable to break free from the addiction's chain.

She longs to escape the torment within,

But the only escape she knows is through sin.

The needle and ice are her only solace,

A twisted form of self-inflicted malice.

She's a prisoner of her own twisted mind,

Trapped in a world where pain is all she finds.

But deep down she knows, she can never be free,

For the addiction has taken her soul, with no key.

me, in a downward spiral:

*self sabotage and high-risk behaviors*

45 -

Warning: I got a lot to say (as usual).

I got married!! Again. Hehe, finally had our weekend we booked two years ago. It was absolutely stunning. But it was a lot. Can we normalize not wanting a big wedding or even a wedding at all? Can we normalize wedding anxiety? Can we normalize dreading big events?

Can everyone just understand that I had a difficult childhood so big intense emotions are terrifying for me and I usually use alcohol/drugs to tamp it down so I can still experience them, albeit distantly. Not excusing, just explaining.

Also - hello this shit is expensive! And we had a frugal wedding.

In the sense that, as a bride, I feel like I should be all sparkles in my eyes and over the moon and dancing on a rainbow - but really, it was my nightmare. My ADHD was in overdrive & the whole weekend felt like a blackout. Reading personal intimate vows in front of people? No thank you lol. Having all eyes on me? I’ll pass. Feeling immense pressure to have ONE perfect day? I’d rather crack.

But I did it anyway. I’m glad I did. And I did all the super emotionally intense parts, sober as a priest. Yay!

Some positives: I’m so lucky to have people who will travel just to celebrate with me. My mom made a speech…it was poetic & very sweet. She described me as “radiant, effervescent, and vivacious”. Like?????? :) I love a good vocabulary.

Umm my stepdad made a speech and he was a freaking VIBE. We haven’t always gotten along but he loves my mom fiercely & is so supportive of her. So I can’t really fault the guy, even if sometimes I’m just like *points to head* “wtf is going on up there?”. I also got some quality time with my extended family, whom I rarely see. They flew over two oceans and two continents just to be with me for this day! Like how amazing is that. :)

The whole night looked like something out of a fairytale with a bohemian theme and fairy lights. Turqoiuse waters & perfect white sand. It was dreamy and picturesque and beautiful.

On top of that, I have friends in all places - I’m not really a one group friend. So it’s a little unnerving to have everyone come together (Will they get along? Will there be drama? Will it be awkward? Will I be so focused on everyone else’s experience that I forget to enjoy my own? LOL but really)

But it was so so much better than I could have ever imagined. We all had a blast!

Speaking OF sobriety, yeah we broke that shit. I had my first alcoholic drink in almost 5 months. Now, those of the I bleed AA variety would freak out because yes, I relapsed. And omg haven’t I read the big book that says I can never ever ever have a drink again? What will Bill think? /s

But hear me out: I discussed my choice to drink with my therapist prior to actually doing it. I had a support system and a harm reduction plan in place. And, I’ve been doing a LOT of work in the last few months to identify, forgive, heal myself & limiting beliefs/negative thought patterns. Ya know, the ones that I used alcohol and drugs to cope with. I’m not anywhere close to where I’d like to be but I’m a hell of a lot farther away from who I used to be.

As my therapist put it: “It seems like this is a symbolic decision for you. Kind of like a “fuck you I am in charge of my life & I can make my own decisions and I don’t care what anyone else thinks”. She’s not wrong.

BUT BUT BUT here’s the best part! Yes I drank, however all it did was remind me of how shitty alcohol actually feels. I don’t miss the hangovers one bit. I enjoy feeling semi-stable in my emotional sense. I like feeling clear headed. Also drinking a lot makes you bloated and more susceptible to gaining extra weight. We want to be snatched always!!!!

I am going back to my life with no intention or desire to drink. No desperate wanting to escape. How freaking wild. Now what works for me may not work for anyone else - but again, sobriety & recovery are so unique to everyone. Everyone’s story starts from the same feelings, but recovery is not a one size fits all.

With all of that being said - I feel super good these days. Not in like a manic & overstimulated way, but a sort of quiet peace that comes with feeling like I am really loving myself for all that I have been, all that I am, and all that I will be.

I want to live my life & the idea of all the things I can do is exciting now. I no longer feel (constantly) like I’m drudging through the monotony of life. I know bad days will come. So will good days. Slowly but surely, I am creating new habits that take me further from my past and closer to the light of my future.

I came to the realization that who fucking cares? The world and the people in my life (though with the best of intentions) will tell me who they think I should be. Will tell me how to fit the mold. But I don’t care about fitting the mold anymore. I don’t want to apologize for having needs and existing. I have people who love all the little bits of me and have always loved them, despite my inner critic telling me I have to earn it.

I decide who I am.

I mean, there’s tons of awful fucking people in the world, who are still loved by someone. Like even Hitler had his main squeeze til the final breath. If that’s any consolation lol.

And just from a nerdy math perspective… statistically speaking, there are 8B+ people in the world. If 10 don’t like me or don’t get me, theres 10 more that do!

I trust my inner She to guide me to where I want to be and to attract the people that I need. These days I have faith.

Each day a little better and brighter.

61 -

I’m just so tired. The urge to escape was strong this morning. It was overwhelming.

Yesterday was so emotionally draining. I feel like a failure right now but deep down I know I’m not.

I wouldn’t have been able to say that before. And that’s how I know things are changing :)

I don’t believe in signs but my ex (everyone has that one ex that just….you know, THE EX of all the exes) contacted me out of nowhere and I can’t stop staring at the message.

He contacts me periodically, a thirsty slide into the DMs. lol

(also me: HAHAHA told ya mf i was amazing ur loss big boi)

I’m obviously not going to touch that, but it gets me thinking about how things always seem to come around at the same time.

Is there a deeper meaning to anything?

Is this a sign - maybe the universe is saying “hey it’s your chance, here’s temptation to fuck it all up and it’s up to you girly!”

I’m only human so I’ll admit it, there will always be a tiny grain of hope. Doesn’t matter how committed or in love I am now.

Because who hasn’t been fucked over or taken for granted, and hoped that one day they’d come back and realize? Like finally getting revenge in a way.

The heart isn’t mutually exclusive.

I feel so vulnerable and all of the thought patterns I’ve worked so hard to overcome, are just lurking in the shadows.

It’s funny how our addict minds are just waiting for the second we start to feel better - regardless of how bad it was last time, it will still try to convince me it’ll be different next time.

It’s fucked up honestly. My own brain? Working against me.

But you know what? This time I don’t want to prove anything to anyone. I don’t want to be perfect - I am just too tired to care anymore.

I deleted all of my social media and decided my new life dream is to be a ghost.

Sometimes….it really is just about doing the work. I cried so much in the last 24 hours but it has been cathartic. I forgot that crying is actually a completely normal expression and release of energy.

I’m definitely afraid of my feelings. This is all I know so far.

Hey, one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.

Each day, a little more. I won’t drink today.

62 -

Baby steps. No drink & no desire to drink.

Actually I’ve been craving a salad and yoga haha.

I’m trying to take it easy and slow. No grandiose expectations or promises

The only things I need to do right now are slow down, breathe deep & not drink.

Each day, a little better and brighter.

66 -

We’re back at day 4 of no booze. I caved at the two-week mark. Nothing wild but also as I sipped I realized a few things:

• I stopped after a few sips because it wasn’t the relief I was looking for. Short term feeling - but the long term impending doom sense switched on.

• Immediate gratification is great, obviously. But working at something, sitting with it - it’s not supposed to relieve the feeling per se, but show you how to manage it. How to live life while carrying it. The more we sit with our feelings, the stronger the resilience we build.

• There’s nothing wrong with me if my energy is low or my mood is off

• I will not genuinely be able to understand myself & my feelings/mood cycles if they are constantly warped through the use of substances.

• Everything goes back to the breath

• Not prioritizing my basic needs means that I’ll overcompensate in other areas

• It’s okay if I don’t buy into AA - I think, as with everything, you take what you need and leave what doesn’t resonate. Not everything will. But in my experience, there’s an underlying “pressure” to follow the way they tell you and make it your life. However, I think some of the principles they teach have been eye opening and have really helped me. It feels safe to wear my shame in those rooms.

• Every time I “fail”, I learn something from it. Leaning into failing = more knowledge.

• Sometimes all I need to do is get out of my head and into my body. I should really stretch more

• Remember the bigger picture of your life

That’s all. We keep going.

73 -

I am afraid I will never kick my issues. Right when I think I’ve got a grip, I slip. Again, and again, and again.

I’m so sick of this.

How many more mistakes do I need to make? What is it going to take for me to stop?

I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Ugh.

75 -

Day 1 again. Hi Day 1. We’ve become very good friends lately

I will not drink today. But I will take a shower and go on a walk and meet with my therapist.

I feel so all over the place.