Moving On - Tumblr Posts
Remember
Do you remember that night we spent on the floor, playing Pokémon? We must've kissed for hours, laying on that floor together. Afterward, you rested your head on my lap and stared up at me with your soul-snatching eyes. It was the first time I ever felt safe being so close to someone. Even though we were still basically strangers...you felt like home.
That night. That's when I knew I was yours.
Don't talk. Just walk.
Did I walk away too soon?
Could we have fixed things---
Talked it out---
Found a compromise?
After what you said,
That you didn't know what you wanted
That you wanted me on your terms
That you had "no desire to change" your behavior
It felt like the answer was clearly stated.
Because I realized then,
That, to you, I'm someone
Who's not even worth a conversation.
And that tells me
That walking away was the right choice,
Even if sometimes it still doesn't feel like it.
It was you. It was always you.
You were always the one I would've chosen.
And you chose someone else.
Thank you.
Thank you for reminding me how chaos feels.
Because otherwise, I may not have taken a leap with someone "boring"--someone who is consistent, reliable, and honest.
Thank you for showing me that "boring" is exactly what I need.
At a certain point, I realized I couldn't try to make us work anymore. I realized I couldn't, and even more, I realized I didn't want to be the only one fighting for us any longer.
I realized I want so much more than to keep myself stuck feeling how I've felt my whole life--lonely.
So I let you go.
I fought the Universe to avoid you,
But the Universe laughed
And pummeled me to the ground.
When I stood up,
You were standing there.
I was so afraid of you, then.
Until you spoke.
Fear turned to calm.
Calm to warmth.
Warmth to excitement.
Excitement to
Heartbreak.
And you were gone.
Today is the last day I'm allowing myself to cry about you.
Seeing you used to make me feel warm.
But today, the thought of seeing you sent me into a dysregulated panic. I trembled uncontrollably and felt like I was going to pass out or throw up.
I don't feel safe around you anymore.
Free At Last
As my gaze met yours, I felt nothing - no resentment, no sorrow, no regret, no happiness, no longing for your affection; just emptiness. It was in that moment I finally found peace.
Montana
The crisp Montana air greeted me as I stepped off the plane. It had been months since we’d last spoken, months since I’d made the decision that still gnawed at me. I needed to see this place, to see if it was as wonderful as he’d said it was, to see if I had made the right choice.
Driving through the open roads, surrounded by towering mountains and endless skies, I felt a pang of regret. He had always described Montana with such passion, his eyes lighting up at the thought of the wide-open spaces and the slower pace of life. Now, seeing it for myself, I understood why. The beauty was undeniable, almost overwhelming.
“You were right,” I whispered to the wind as I pulled up to a secluded overlook. “I do love this place.”
The vast landscape stretched out before me, a patchwork of greens and golds under a sky so blue it seemed surreal. I imagined us here, exploring the wilderness, finding peace in the simplicity of it all. But that dream had slipped through my fingers.
California was my home, and I couldn't leave it behind. My career, my house, my family, and friends—all the roots I had put down over the years held me back. The thought of uprooting my life for a dream, no matter how beautiful, had been too daunting.
We tried to make it work, talking about long-distance and weekend visits. But he wanted a partner who would share his dream, not just visit it. When I told him I couldn't commit, his disappointment had been palpable. As hard as it was, we both knew it was time to part ways.
Standing here now, I felt the weight of that decision. I’d lost not just the man I could have loved, but also the chance to be a part of this breathtaking place. The realization stung, but I knew I had made the choice I believed was right for me at the time.
As I watched the sunset paint the sky in hues of orange and pink, I let myself imagine, just for a moment, what it would have been like. The laughter, the adventures, the quiet nights under a blanket of stars. It was a bittersweet vision, one that I knew I would carry with me.
Montana was as wonderful as he had said, maybe even more so. But my life, my heart, was still in California. The ache of what could have been would fade, I hoped, and maybe one day, I’d find peace with my decision.
For now, I took in the beauty of Montana, a place that would always hold a piece of my heart, even if I couldn’t call it home. And as the sun dipped below the horizon, I whispered a silent farewell to the dream I had once dared to consider.
I actually didn't think about him today.
Which is funny and good I think.
But now that I do think about him again, I still miss him.
But it hurts less.
And I am less angry too.
Someone I love tells me a story,
It reminds me of you,
Suddenly I am calling you good when you say you are bad.
Suddenly I am still in love with you.
And when I come back,
I am happy like it is now,
I see your name and smile,
My scars itch,
But I am getting better.
I am starting to heal.
Just had a flashback from a decade ago.
I was chillin with one of my good friends and he was snacking on peanut butter (spooning it out and just nommin) while we were sitting on his couch watching tv.
I looked at him. Looked at the jar. And in .02 seconds scooped a blob out with my hand.
*smack-a-roo*
Handful of pb to the face.
A delightful reminisce.
Zero impulse control that fateful night.
Letting the past fade as it should.. hand in hand with a rabbit man... a true friend and partner in crime..
i did not stitch my dna but i will embroider it until it is my own
Just the other month you told me you loved me, now I'm lucky enough to even get a hello from you.
I still care for you so much that I have to think of all the wrong things you did to me just to sleep at night.