It Gets Even Better - Tumblr Posts
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Sometimes I feel this urge to do something shady, to keep secrets. It’s always when my life is going good. I feel suffocated if I don’t have something for myself. I feel like I need to explode.
I fuck up then I spend all this time trying to repair it and come out stronger - and then I’m like “hmm things are going a little tooo well” and I light my life on fire with gasoline.
I don’t get it. Why?
What motivates people to continue choosing the same choices/decisions even though they KNOW that it’s not the right one?
Even though I know that my choices are keeping me on this little hamster wheel of alcoholism and doom.
Why do we make the same mistakes over and over when we know better? I say I’m not afraid of stepping into my fear, but why am I terrified of choosing different when it comes to substance abuse?
I have a husband who loves me deeply and is so devoted. Sometimes the weight of the love is daunting. I am afraid of myself sometimes. I am afraid of the way I think. I worry that he has me on a pedestal. I am terrified of deeply hurting him or ruining us. I feel suffocated by the pressure of trying to improve. I am not doing it as gracefully as I hoped and I am holding fault with myself for that.
So when I look at myself, I think of all of my mistakes. Of how far I still need to go. Of the lessons learned. Of whether or not I am defined by the choices I make.
But I think that when other people look at me, they don’t see that. I think they may see the good.
I just want to see it too. And I am, slowly.
I had myself convinced that I was manic and suffering from grandiose delusions because I stopped people pleasing and started agreeing with people when they complimented me and speaking my mind and thinking that “I actually am a really great person”…..LOL
No, I’m just developing a strong sense of self worth. I’m doing things from a genuine place and not just so I can feel like I’m earning people’s approval/liking of me.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m totally delusional and I’m actually a giant asshole who totally self-absorbed and unaware of reality.
Welp. Hopefully not! Just gonna keep trusting my intuition and hoping for the best hehe