I Know Youll See This Baby

I know youll see this baby

I wanna be soft with my sub

Praise them after they bring me coffee and play with their hair as they wake up

Gentle kisses and back rubs after rough scenes

Hugs when they're sad

Pausing the scene to check on them

"Is that too tight, baby?"

Gently grabbing their neck from behind and tilting their head back to kiss me, my other hand on their waist

Surprise stuffed animals

Getting cozy and watching movies

Holding hands through thunderstorms

It's not all about rough sex and making them cry (even though they look so pretty when they do)

When I used to sit and fantasize about my recovery, I would imagine daintily trying bites of fear foods.

My recovery didn't look like that. It was crying at my first taste of red meat in 6 months. It was refusing to eat in the dining room. It was planning the exact right time to eat breakfast so my inlaws wouldn't see. It was being disappointed by every food I used to love and finding new ones. It was crying when I broke my jeans and the bravery to buy the bigger size. It was getting to know myself outside the aesthetic and realising after it all I don't like food that much.

This will never not be funny to me.

My wonderful amazing fiance got drunk today. He told me he admired my determination. The fact that I was so dedicated to a look I was willing to kill myself meant 'this person doesn't take shit' but then when I went full force intorecovery 'this person really doesn't take shit'. Then he described me as aggressively working to better myself whether misguided or not

This has made me feel better than anything else could have

Bio oil is amazing

I decided to finally forgive myself. I went out and got myself some bio oil. It's made for scars and stretchmarks. I have plenty of scars but the only ones that bother me are the self harm ones.

I've been putting bio oil on twice a day for a week (closer to a week and a half). I can see them melting before my eyes. The worst of them, burns that had me in the ER, are a lot paler and less raised. The cuts on my legs are gone on one side.