When I Used To Sit And Fantasize About My Recovery, I Would Imagine Daintily Trying Bites Of Fear Foods.

When I used to sit and fantasize about my recovery, I would imagine daintily trying bites of fear foods.

My recovery didn't look like that. It was crying at my first taste of red meat in 6 months. It was refusing to eat in the dining room. It was planning the exact right time to eat breakfast so my inlaws wouldn't see. It was being disappointed by every food I used to love and finding new ones. It was crying when I broke my jeans and the bravery to buy the bigger size. It was getting to know myself outside the aesthetic and realising after it all I don't like food that much.

I wrote a book!

There is a war that has torn the world in half. The elves against the ogres. The book follows a teenaged elf and a toddler ogre as they try to find a place to call home. Love and loss and amazing dedication for his age.

I know youll see this baby

I wanna be soft with my sub

Praise them after they bring me coffee and play with their hair as they wake up

Gentle kisses and back rubs after rough scenes

Hugs when they're sad

Pausing the scene to check on them

"Is that too tight, baby?"

Gently grabbing their neck from behind and tilting their head back to kiss me, my other hand on their waist

Surprise stuffed animals

Getting cozy and watching movies

Holding hands through thunderstorms

It's not all about rough sex and making them cry (even though they look so pretty when they do)

Pushing them up against the wall as soon as you come home from work. Frustration coursing through your veins needing to be released. "You're going to be a good toy and open your legs for me." You say as you push yourself inside without further warning.

I am trans and anorexic and those two entities play on each other so well. I'm half convinced my hatred of my own body is what drove me to starve in the first place.

There are 2 very distinct feelings for "I hate my chest for being feminine" and "I hate my chest for being two literal lumps of fat". And they can happen at the same time.

A fun thing about being both trans and on the autism spectrum is that sometimes I can't tell WHY I have discomfort with my body, because it could easily be either or even both.

Like, my legs. Do I dislike having hairy legs because it's a masculine-coded thing, and it's giving me gender dysphoria? Or is it a texture thing, and I just hate the feeling of skin touching skin, which is 10 times worse when it's hairy skin?

(I'm pretty sure the answer is "both")