I Am Trans And Anorexic And Those Two Entities Play On Each Other So Well. I'm Half Convinced My Hatred

I am trans and anorexic and those two entities play on each other so well. I'm half convinced my hatred of my own body is what drove me to starve in the first place.

There are 2 very distinct feelings for "I hate my chest for being feminine" and "I hate my chest for being two literal lumps of fat". And they can happen at the same time.

A fun thing about being both trans and on the autism spectrum is that sometimes I can't tell WHY I have discomfort with my body, because it could easily be either or even both.

Like, my legs. Do I dislike having hairy legs because it's a masculine-coded thing, and it's giving me gender dysphoria? Or is it a texture thing, and I just hate the feeling of skin touching skin, which is 10 times worse when it's hairy skin?

(I'm pretty sure the answer is "both")

I feel like people forget most trans guys still had to grow up as girls.

We were still forced to be mature early

We were still told to not to take up space

We were still subject to female beauty standards

Our bodies were still treated as inappropriate

We were still pitted against each other

We were still excluded from “male” activities

We were still treated as lesser the boys

Those things don’t evaporate once we transition they’re fucking internalized. I constantly have to remind myself I’m allowed to exist. We don’t stop dealing with misogyny.

I know youll see this baby

I wanna be soft with my sub

Praise them after they bring me coffee and play with their hair as they wake up

Gentle kisses and back rubs after rough scenes

Hugs when they're sad

Pausing the scene to check on them

"Is that too tight, baby?"

Gently grabbing their neck from behind and tilting their head back to kiss me, my other hand on their waist

Surprise stuffed animals

Getting cozy and watching movies

Holding hands through thunderstorms

It's not all about rough sex and making them cry (even though they look so pretty when they do)

One time I had a panic attack mid act. We stopped got fast food and continued later once we were horny again

You have a complex relationship with your body and need to keep some/all of your clothes on during sex?

That's okay, what you're wearing looks good on you.

You need to take a lot of breaks doing anything intimate because you're easily overwhelmed?

I understand, I'm just happy to be here with you.

You're on medication that impacts your libido/makes reaching orgasm really difficult?

No pressure, tell me what feels good for you, and if you get frustrated we can do something else together.

Sex isn't going to look the same for everybody and that's fine, that's normal.

Sometimes you don't orgasm, sometimes you need to stop because your mood changes out of nowhere, sometimes you get really self conscious and need accommodations to take your mind off of it.

People are too complex for everybody to go about it the same, just keep doing what feels best for you, regardless of how different it may seem from other people's experiences.

I feel so useless. I have done literally nothing today, just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. I know my arm needs to rest but I can't take another day of this. I'm going to do my back first thing in the morning. I just took my rest day in a weird place.

I fucked up my elbow, so I can't do like half my exercises and I want to put my head through a wall.