My Wonderful Amazing Fiance Got Drunk Today. He Told Me He Admired My Determination. The Fact That I

My wonderful amazing fiance got drunk today. He told me he admired my determination. The fact that I was so dedicated to a look I was willing to kill myself meant 'this person doesn't take shit' but then when I went full force intorecovery 'this person really doesn't take shit'. Then he described me as aggressively working to better myself whether misguided or not

This has made me feel better than anything else could have

I feel like people forget most trans guys still had to grow up as girls.

We were still forced to be mature early

We were still told to not to take up space

We were still subject to female beauty standards

Our bodies were still treated as inappropriate

We were still pitted against each other

We were still excluded from “male” activities

We were still treated as lesser the boys

Those things don’t evaporate once we transition they’re fucking internalized. I constantly have to remind myself I’m allowed to exist. We don’t stop dealing with misogyny.

One time I had a panic attack mid act. We stopped got fast food and continued later once we were horny again

You have a complex relationship with your body and need to keep some/all of your clothes on during sex?

That's okay, what you're wearing looks good on you.

You need to take a lot of breaks doing anything intimate because you're easily overwhelmed?

I understand, I'm just happy to be here with you.

You're on medication that impacts your libido/makes reaching orgasm really difficult?

No pressure, tell me what feels good for you, and if you get frustrated we can do something else together.

Sex isn't going to look the same for everybody and that's fine, that's normal.

Sometimes you don't orgasm, sometimes you need to stop because your mood changes out of nowhere, sometimes you get really self conscious and need accommodations to take your mind off of it.

People are too complex for everybody to go about it the same, just keep doing what feels best for you, regardless of how different it may seem from other people's experiences.

When I used to sit and fantasize about my recovery, I would imagine daintily trying bites of fear foods.

My recovery didn't look like that. It was crying at my first taste of red meat in 6 months. It was refusing to eat in the dining room. It was planning the exact right time to eat breakfast so my inlaws wouldn't see. It was being disappointed by every food I used to love and finding new ones. It was crying when I broke my jeans and the bravery to buy the bigger size. It was getting to know myself outside the aesthetic and realising after it all I don't like food that much.

I feel so useless. I have done literally nothing today, just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. I know my arm needs to rest but I can't take another day of this. I'm going to do my back first thing in the morning. I just took my rest day in a weird place.

I cannot overstate the impact having good people around you can have. I got the bottom of my eating disorder and I fully believe I would have been bedridden for a lot longer if not for my fiance. He was ready the second I was discharged with the meal plan from my dietian. He put his own damn weight loss on the back burner for months both before and after my starting recovery just to make sure I was eating.

And you know what? It worked. For a very long time the sole reason I pushed through for recovery was for him. Finally I found my own reasons. I'm not tempted to go back anymore.