This Will Never Not Be Funny To Me.

This will never not be funny to me.

It's crazy how my perspective has changed. I stopped caring what my body looks like.

I'm elated that I can benchpress 4 kg when 6 months ago I couldn't lift the bar.

I'm amazed I can squat 10 kg because 9 months ago I could barely stand.

I can watch myself in the glass door and critique my form instead of my rolls.

I don't even flinch to add more to a meal.

I don't give a singular fuck what my body looks like. I want strength. I want power. I want the shaking on the last rep. I want the pain of pushing my body. I want to see what my body can do.

A skill you will need in recovery. You need to learn to sit with the anxiety. Not tracking is going to cause you anxiety. So will not weighing in and eating foods you "shouldn't". It's hard, but you won't get anywhere if you let the urges get the better of you every time.

I'm struggling with it right now. I'm nearly a year in and I want to track like fuck, but it will only hurt me in the long run. I need to wait until the urge passes.

When I used to sit and fantasize about my recovery, I would imagine daintily trying bites of fear foods.

My recovery didn't look like that. It was crying at my first taste of red meat in 6 months. It was refusing to eat in the dining room. It was planning the exact right time to eat breakfast so my inlaws wouldn't see. It was being disappointed by every food I used to love and finding new ones. It was crying when I broke my jeans and the bravery to buy the bigger size. It was getting to know myself outside the aesthetic and realising after it all I don't like food that much.

Pushing them up against the wall as soon as you come home from work. Frustration coursing through your veins needing to be released. "You're going to be a good toy and open your legs for me." You say as you push yourself inside without further warning.

I cant talk to anyone abòut this so im dumping it here.

My beloved and i got back into kink. We hadnt done any thing for 2 years and he only had 2 sessions under his belt before that.

We played. Session one fine fun even. Session two he brings out the belt and i love it. Session three was yesterday. More belt. Very fun. This afternoon my ass starts to hurt.

It's not too bad but a straight wooden chair is too painful. I sit on a pillow for 2 hours playing WoW. I can no longer comfortably lay on my back. Beloved went to put more lotion on. Bruises. Big ones.

I said i wanted bruises one day. I didnt mean now. Serves me right. I guess i expected him to somehow magically have perfect control of his tools. We have retired the belt until i have a higher pain tolerance and he has better control