Numb - Tumblr Posts
I'm incredibly tempted to just swallow my entire bottle of pills and not wake up tomorrow.
My first and only experience with love was abusive.
You were hurting me, abusing me... and I didn't even notice. Because I had no experience and so I thought that that was normal. It wasn't until you did something so bad it left me a complete wreck that I realized this thing between us was wrong. Only then I realized how many times you've scared me, intimidated me, made me feel numb, hurt, used. And just how wrong that was.
And I mean, sure, you were all nice and sweet in the meantime. But that made it only harder to see the wrongness.
And now, when I think about love... all I associate it with is pain and hurt, fear even. And I hate that.
I fear love, because in my experience it equals pain. And I don't want to get hurt. Who does?
I don't want to be hurt, so I don't want to be loved. And that is just so messed up.... I hate you for this. I hate you to the very core of my bones. I've never hated anybody this much. You damaged me on a level you'll never understand.
Often, I don't feel like I am inside the moment. I am crowded with a sense of detachment that throws me into a transitional state—as if I have been suspended into a space that exists outside of the sync of time and reality.
This is how winter feels like to me.
And Charles Bukowski poems.
Slowdive, cold wind, the day ends too quickly. Usual cigarette tastes different and I can’t comprehend any thought or feelings, it’s just constant void and unknown ache. I really do hate winter, yet I enjoy it’s silence. The numbness.
olyan vicces, amikor azt hiszed, valaminek már nincs hatása rajtad, egészen addig, amíg valami hasonló szituációba nem kerülsz újra és realizálod, hogy még mindig félsz.
i posted this somewhere else but i love this too much
ok but please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like everyone around them is getting everything they ever dreamed of while you just sit there... like, your best friend falls in love, gets the job they've always wanted, has a perfect family relationship, while you just sit there... nobody wants to talk to you, you're broke and unemployed, you never see your family... I can't be the only one who feels like they're never going to feel requited love
Point.
"Loving anyone is a curse, because you love them too much to leave them behind. And hate them enough to consistently think about it so much you are sure one day love won't matter...and you'll just go and you won't feel anything as you've loved to the point of numbing."
- Sequoia Red (via Sequoia Red) "Working on a novel...here's a snippet) @feelsgoodtogasp)
Why is this so true?
I was tired of being in the shadow of another.
Tired of paying for the crimes of another
Accused.
Tired of him berating every single thing that made me happy. That made me feel something.
Something other than feeling panic or numb
A laugh escaped my lips as I scrolled. He scoffed, “ that’s so fucking stupid. I can’t believe people do that shit. What the hell.”
Instant shut down. The smile was gone. That little spark blown away. So I scrolled away, turned off the phone and stayed silent.
Numb.
Countless times something or someone made me happy. Only for him to come knocking it down like a Jenga tower.
Now I’m left to rebuild the pieces, only for him to come another day.
I hardly feel anything.
I am just so fucking empty.
Countless,” Let me see your phone.”
“Why are you texting them?”
“ Show me.”
“If you have nothing to hide then you should just let me see your phone.”
“ Why are you making this such a big deal?”
“ You’re just like the rest of them.”
“ You’re all the same.”
I was sick of being accused of the crimes of another. I was tired of you berating what makes me happy. I was sick of living in another’s shadow.
I am allowed some privacy.
“Did you sext them?” Are you serious? I have done nothing but drop friend after friend for you. I turned down people who made me happy. Opportunities to have unforgettable memories. Just so I could feel like this.
When I was alone, and you weren’t there, I was able to ask him for advice. Because he went through something similar. Not because I wanted to fuck or date him.
I needed advice. Or homework help.
I just want my privacy. I just want some time to myself.
I’m tired of feeling that way.
Tw: drugs, sh, suicide
I made my mum cry 2 times today. And I feel guilty for it, but at the same time I just feel numb.
It's funny how hearing my perception of the world and her actions can make her cry when she always tells me that I have nothing to be sad about.
I think that she loves me, I just also want to feel it.
Feeling this numb is always a risky time, right now it would be so easy to just take a few more of my sleeping pills and leave.
I don't mind the pain I cause other people when I can't feel it. It's freeing to not care and cater to everyone's needs, but I also loose everything that makes me me.
I have to get out of this state or it could get dangerous. Maybe I'll make myself bleed again, relapse after more than two weeks again. Or I could drink, wake up tomorrow not remembering anything and with a headache that will kill me. Or maybe I should just smoke some weed. Relaxing and unwinding, caring even less but in a nice way. Getting lost in the smoke and my own mind.
I don't know. I probably shouldn't do any of it. I know I shouldn't. But keeping me alive takes killing me slowly.
Graduating soon and still just as lost as I was before starting college.
You know what? No, I'm not as fucking strong as you think I am. I'm actually quite sensitive and every time you make fun of me it. fucking. hurts. I'm an idiot for letting things go and coping with every stab through my heart with all sorts of addictions to numb the pain you give me. Thanks for making me into the pathetic loser I am today.
She says that I'm lucky I'm strong and don't give a shit. She doesn't understand that it has happened to me so many times that I stopped feeling anything towards situations like that. I've become completely numb, not strong. Instead of feeling sad, I'd feel empty and hollow.
Knowing that our species is just a pile of shit Idiots Worthless Useless Knowing that were all going to die just for a new generation a new life And for what? We're still killing people to say that killing people is wrong,to have world peace when we're still having wars Still fighting for no reward We're all just savages Hungry for new blood looking for a way out to find this taste of freedom but is it really there? What God is going to save us? Take us to this heaven This paradise? Does it even exists? Drugs rape Suicide murder Kidnapping Saying if we pray we'll wash away our sins but we can't do that to the past