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James's Special Delivery: James Conquers His Fear of Marriage with Meowth (part three of three)

"There once were Pokémon that married people. There once were people who married Pokémon."

I bet none of them had to worry about ending up in a sappily written mpreg. Or having their kid's name start with "Meth."

Part one

Part two

This fic contains:  Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; lack of medical and scientific knowledge; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; odd ideas about romance; unusual pillow talk; Meowth lingers on James's feet again; ridiculously easy resolutions to problems; attempts to rehabilitate James’s mother (she totally approved of Jessiebelle’s bullshit she deserves no mercy); both James and Meowth eat the placenta (off-screen)

-O-o-O-o-O-

James and his mother had been writing each other letters and calling each other.

James and Meowth had quit Team Rocket. They started selling legal drugs and were making a surprising amount of money. James would keep his kitten.

Bethany knew about James’s kitten. She was okay with it.

James was eight (out of nine) weeks pregnant. His mother was coming to visit their cabin.

James and Meowth were trying to save for a very small wedding. They were planning on using a wedding dress and a Meowth-sized tuxedo from their disguises.

“I’m going to look just awful in white,” James said. He wasn’t even showing that much, since Meowth kittens were smaller than human babies. He was showing a little, though, enough that he could hardly move fast.

Meowth almost wished James would give birth early. He hated to see James so uncomfortable. He decided James should stand up as little as possible.

The kitten was moving around a lot inside of James, which was a pretty weird feeling for him. He thought the kitten might be trying to come out early. He read a book about what to expect when “expecting.” It said having sex could induce labor. He grabbed Meowth and ran into the bedroom.

“Meowth, please have sex with me,” James said.

“Why?” Meowth asked.

“Because having sex might make me go into labor,” James said.

“I don’t think you’re in any condition to have sex. And you’re only eight weeks through it. That would only work if you were overdue,” Meowth said.

James collapsed onto the bed. “I’m worried,” he said.

“About what?” Meowth said.

“I’m worried about if I’ll be a good parent.”

“You’ll probably make a good parent,” Meowth said, massaging James’s feet. He pressed his paw into James’s finely arched soles and rubbed his slender toes.

“Maybe you’re right,” James breathed.

“You kinda already sound like you’re in labor,” Meowth said.

James moved to a more comfortable position. “Maybe I’m just hot and bothered,” he said. He lowered his eyelids, trying to look sexy. He let out a falsetto giggle. “My mother is coming tomorrow. She’d have a fit if she walked in on us right now.”

Meowth stroked James’s hair. “She knows about the kitten, right?” he asked.

“Yes, I wrote her about it,” James said.

They sat on the bed for a while.

“Did you still want to have sex?” Meowth asked.

“Yes, I’m pretty hormonal,” James said.

They closed the bedroom door.

-O-o-O-

The next day, James’s mother came. As soon as she came in, she and James hugged. She could only stay for one night. She had to go back to work the next day. She didn’t have to work, but she chose to.

James cooked dinner for everyone. He made sure to make extra food.

After dinner, he and Bethany went into his bedroom. James confessed about being worried when Bethany asked him why he wasn’t more enthusiastic.

“You’re really lucky you love Meowth,” Bethany said.

“I suppose,” James said.

“Why aren’t you excited?” Bethany asked.

“I’m just so nervous. I’m afraid I won’t be a good parent to the kitten.”

“Of course you’ll be a good parent. You may be a former Team Rocket member, but you do have parental instincts. You’ve got what a lot of people don’t have these days: a good heart. Stay true to yourself and your kitten and you’ll be fine.”

James had broken down in tears. “Oh, Mother. I wish we could’ve been this close sooner,” he cried.

Bethany hugged James.

“Now, about what you’re going to name the kitten….”

-O-o-O-

The next day, Bethany had to leave. James and Meowth waved from the porch as she drove away.

They went inside. James felt a strange movement inside of him.

“Meowth….the kitten is kicking harder,” James said.

Meowth put a paw on James’s stomach.

“Wow. The kitten is pretty active today.”

James put a hand on Meowth’s paw. It seemed as if the kitten would come out at any time.

-O-o-O-

James was well over nine weeks pregnant with the kitten.

He wasn’t showing as much as he would with a human baby, but he still felt like he was carrying a Voltorb in his shirt.

One morning, Meowth was trying to help James get up.

“It’ll be fine, Meowth. I can manage,” James said. He suddenly felt a sharp flash of pain. He doubled over, clutching his stomach.

“Are you okay?” Meowth asked.

“I think I’m in labor,” James panted.

“Stay in bed, Jimmy,” Meowth tried to sound calm.

James shifted into a sitting position and breathed deeply. A few hours later, James gave birth to a tiny Meowth kitten.

“It’s a girl,” James said.

“What’s her name?” Meowth asked. He bit off the kitten’s umbilical cord.

“Her name is Methesia,” James said.

“That’s pretty,” Meowth said. He put the placenta on a plate. He and James could make a breakfast for two out of it.

James wiped away his tears as he brought Methesia to his bosom and nursed her. He had to be strong for his kitten.

-O-o-O-

The next day, James and Meowth got married. They held the ceremony in their backyard.

James put on his white dress and wove tiny white roses into his hair. He wasn’t a virgin, but as a former member of Team Rocket, he didn’t care about rules.

James stood by the window. This was it. He was about to tie the knot with Meowth. He thought Jessiebelle had scared him away from marriage for life.

He briefly thought about how a character in a movie made a rope out of sheets tied together and climbed out of a window. He immediately banished that thought.

“I have to be strong for Meowth and Methesia,” James thought. “I can’t think about the past.”

He looked in the mirror, checking his appearance. He had something old (his dress, from one of their disguises), something new (he’d just gotten a new bottlecap), something borrowed (he’d borrowed a slip from Jessie), and something blue (his hair).

“You look just fine,” a voice said.

James turned around. “Mother!”

Bethany hugged James. “You’re going to be a beautiful bride to Meowth and a great parent to your kitten,” she said.

“Thank you, Mother,” James said, wiping away tears.

-O-o-O-

Bethany went to sit down with the other guests (Jessie and Mondo). James stood quietly, waiting for his cue. He took a deep breath.

As he walked down the aisle, he knew even though he was scared, he had to do it.

He had to be strong for the kitten and Meowth.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Team Rocket members don't care about virginity and placenta makes a great romantic breakfast for you and your cat-husband.

The Sad Saga of James Morgan and Company: My Writing Style Was Goblin Mode

Imagine being an eleven-year-old girl who is obsessed with Xena: Warrior Princess (and ripping off the dark plots from it) and Pokémon. Imagine being this kid who, after acting out her fanfics (that involve way too much human sacrifice and crucifixion) with her Barbies, decides she should actually write them down in a form other people can read.

Add a dose of repressed anger issues and you get this.

This fic contains: Colorful language; general angst; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; violence; convoluted occult lore; blood; murderous, occult-powered Jessiebelle; attempted murder; Jessiebelle wants to honor-kill James(?!); Jessiebelle slut-shames James a lot; character death and resurrection; ellipses abuse; Jesus Hades Christ eleven!me tortured James a lot in fic (I don’t know why; he was and still is my favorite Pokémon character); James has bottlecap powers

-O-o-O-o-O-

*Imagine that Jessie, James, and Meowth have been trying witchcraft to do better at their job. It doesn't work for Jessie and Meowth, but it works for James. So he's a witch now. Imagine Jessiebelle is trying to kidnap James and is also a witch. Since James is a witch (whose powers are not supposed to be used for evil) and Team Rocket is an evil organization, the mismatch makes his powers go insane, weakening him.

*Jessiebelle sneaks up behind James while he's sitting at camp. He screams, but Jessiebelle puts a rag with knockout potion over his mouth. He passes out. Meowth comes on the scene.

Meowth: What did you do to him?! Jessiebelle: If he won't marry me, I'll have to marry him. I made him unconscious with a potion. I'll do the same with you.

*Meowth screams. Jessiebelle knocks him out with the potion and runs off with James, who is still unconscious.

*When Meowth comes to, Jessie is there.

Jessie: What happened to you? Where's James? Meowth: Jessiebelle used a potion to knock him out. She did that to me, too. I guess she took James away.

*They go out looking for James. Meanwhile, James comes to. He's chained to a wall. Jessiebelle is standing in front of him.

Jessiebelle: Did you have a nice nap?

*James magically screams so loud, Jessie and Meowth can hear him.

Meowth: That sounded like James!

*Back at the dungeon…

James: What are you trying to do to me? Jessiebelle: If you won't marry me, I'll just have to marry you. By force. And I know you're a witch, so those chains are witchcraft-proof.

*James tries to break the chains with his powers but it doesn't work. He screams. Jessiebelle puts her hand over his mouth.

Jessiebelle: Don't make me use the potion again.

*Jessie and Meowth climb through the window.

Jessie: You can't force him to marry you! Meowth: He doesn't love you!

*James looks relieved to see them.

Jessiebelle: I'll kill him if you two try anything.

*James's eyes widen. Jessiebelle turns to him.

Jessiebelle: You have dishonored your family, you know. If you resist marrying me, I'll have no choice but to kill you.

*James's widened eyes focus on the noose Jessiebelle is holding.

Jessiebelle: Either tie the knot or tie the noose. James: Why should I have to die because I don't want to get married? Jessiebelle: Shut up, or I'll blast you to pieces!

*Jessiebelle takes out a bulky wand that looks like a shotgun. James puts his head down.

Jessiebelle: And don't you dare try to scream again because I've got a really sharp dagger I'd like to test out on some flesh. (pulls out a really sharp dagger) Jessie: Stop threatening him! It makes no damn sense, killing him just because he doesn't want to get married. Jessiebelle: So you want to be killed with him? I can arrange that. James: Don't kill her! Jessiebelle: I told you to shut up, you insolent trollop! (takes out a needle with black liquid in it)

*James can't help it. He struggles against his chains. Jessiebelle pimp-slaps him across his face.

Jessiebelle: I told you, that's useless! Now, stop it! (kicks James) Meowth: You stop it! Quit trying to marry or kill him. I think you just want to marry him to kill him. Jessiebelle: That's not true. If he resists, I kill him. If he accepts, he lives. James: Why would I marry a murderer? Are you going to sacrifice me? Jessiebelle: That's it! I'll make you suffer, little witch! James: No, you won't! I'm not that same weak little child I was before. Jessiebelle: I can trigger your powers to go insane, you know. Jessie: I challenge you to a Pokémon battle, Jessiebelle! Jessiebelle: Fine. If you win, you can keep the little whore. If I win, I keep him. And possibly sacrifice him. Jessie: Don't call him a whore.

*They start the match. Jessie's Arbok wins the match and knocks Jessiebelle's Vileplume out. Jessie, James, and Meowth escape the dungeon. They look for a place to camp out.

Meowth: (to James) Are you okay? James: Why wouldn't I be? Meowth: You're not usually so quiet. James: I'm just tired.

*They find a place to camp out.

-O-o-O-

*Imagine Jessiebelle has a new way to kill James if he doesn't marry her. She makes him suffer and beg for death.

*Jessie, James, and Meowth are trying to think of a new plan for stealing Pokémon. Jessiebelle comes out of nowhere and grabs James inconspicuously.

Jessie: Where did James go? Meowth: I don't know. I think I saw him get grabbed by somebody.

*Jessiebelle is running off with James, who is magically screaming as loud as he can so Jessie and Meowth can track him.

Jessiebelle: Will you shut up, you harlot?

*Jessiebelle shuts James up with her knockout potion. When she gets to the dungeon, James wakes up.

Jessiebelle: All right. No more Miss Nice Warlock. James: What do you mean, "no more?" You were never Miss Nice Warlock. Jessiebelle: You're going to suffer until you beg for death. I'll be glad to fuck you up until you die. James: It'll be a cold day in hell before I beg for death. Jessiebelle: Well, I guess you'll be there in hell on that cold day.

*Jessie and Meowth set their tent up right next to the dungeon. Even though it's next to it, Jessiebelle can't see it because James left them a camouflage potion spray.

*Jessiebelle drags James outside (it's a really hot day) and ties him to some dead leafless tree that's in the sun. The sun is right on him and it's "no shadow time." He almost faints. Next, Jessiebelle throws rocks at him, but doesn't kill him with them. Then she makes him carry heavy bricks, barely clothed, through mud on a rainy day. That's his breaking point. James faints and the bricks are cutting his arms and legs, so now he's covered in mud and blood.

*Jessie and Meowth are unaware of all this happening until they find James's limp body lying there. He's not dead. When they take him into their tent, he wakes up.

James: What happened? (tries to sit up, but is still dizzy from the torture in the sun) Jessie: I don't know what she did to you. We just found you lying in the mud. James: I don't know if I remember all of what happened. (tries to sit up again, winces, clutches head) Meowth: Lie down. What happened to you?

*James tells them what he remembers.

James: I don't care what she does to me, I'm not marrying her. Meowth: If that bitch ever tries that again, I don't know what I'm gonna do, but it won't be good. Jessie: So what you're saying is, a fucking-up is in the question. Meowth: Yeah. Pretty much.

*Jessiebelle glances out the window. She squints through a magic scope and sees the tent.

Jessiebelle: Whoever's in that tent, you're squatting on private property and I have a right to shoot! (cocks wand)

*Jessie and Meowth tell James to stay inside. They get out of the tent.

Jessiebelle: Not you bastards again! What'd you do with James? Jessie: He's not with us right now. Jessiebelle: My ass! (jumps out window onto tent)

*Jessiebelle lands next to James.

Jessiebelle: I'm locking you up and throwing away the key!

*James screams. Jessiebelle puts her hand over his mouth. He bites her hand. It doesn't faze her. She takes James inside the dungeon and locks the door behind them.

*Inside….

Jessiebelle: You know what happens now? First, I'll get your little friends.

*Jessiebelle drags Jessie and Meowth in with a sucking wind and chains them to the wall with witchcraft-proof chains.

Jessiebelle: Next I'll test out my new dagger on their necks. James: Don't kill them, kill me. Jessiebelle: What was that? James: I said, kill me instead. Jessiebelle: Fine. (walks over to James and stabs him)

*James slides down the wall, leaving a trail of blood. Jessiebelle unchains Jessie and Meowth.

Jessiebelle: You can't help him now, so I might as well let you free. (leaves in a cloud of red smoke) Meowth: No….(walks over to James) No….he's not dying….we can save him.

*James isn't quite dead yet.

James: I'm sorry. It's true. I am dying. Meowth: No, you're not. I can help you. I'm sorry we didn't save you in time. James: (coughs up blood) She moves too fast. Nobody can stop her. At least she won't bother you now I'm dying. Meowth: You're not dying. Just don't talk, save your strength, maybe you'll live. James: (painfully) Nobody can live through being (breathes with difficulty) mortally wounded. Meowth : Is this goodbye?

*James's eyes close. They don't open again. Meowth holds James's hand in his paw. James's hand is cold.

Meowth: He's dead. Jessie: I guess it was too much for him. The suffering was, I mean.

*Meowth starts to cry. Jessie holds him.

Jessie: Maybe we could try one of those rituals to bring him back. Meowth: But how? The powers didn't come to us. Jessie: Then we'll steal some of Jessiebelle's.

*They find Jessiebelle's spell books and supplies. They find a cauldron and start trying to mix the potions. They sacrifice three Spearow, prick their fingers, and add their own blood to the cauldron. Then they drip their own blood on the floor, making markings, and place James's body in the center. They pour some of the potion on James. He comes back to life.

James: I'm alive. (gasps) Meowth: Don't get worked up. We don't want you fainting when you've just come back to life. James: I'm not worked up. I'm happy.

*The three of them hug and get out of there.

Meowth: I managed to grab this. (pulls out a bottle of potion) But I don't have anything to cover it.

*James zaps a bottle cap out of the air and puts it on the potion bottle. Team Rocket walks into the sunset.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Eleven!me knows way too many synonyms for "whore." Also, James's powers are magical screaming, conjuring bottlecaps, and mixing potions.

Toxic Rocketshipping: Jessie Makes James Her Sex Slave WTF (part one of three)

This is one of the very few times I tried to write a Jessie x James fic.

And in the proud tradition of Team Rocket, I fucked it up royally.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; sexual assault; gross misunderstanding of slavery; possibly uncomfortable discussions of romance; Stockholm syndrome mistaken for love; bizarre focus on James’s virginity (why); Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; out-of-character behavior for James and Meowth; absolute character assassination of Jessie; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic (seriously what the fuck)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

The trouble started when Jessie bought me.

Yes, that's right, she bought me.

I don't know how she did it. She even had a title deed written up for me.

I skimmed the deed. Something caught my eye. It was a word. Two words, actually.

"Sex slave."

I was Jessie's sex slave?! Didn't she know I valued my virginity?

What exactly did a sex slave do, anyway?

I was about to find out.

-O-o-O-

The horrible abuse started the night after Jessie bought me. She touched me in places that were inappropriate. It was really uncomfortable, but for some reason, I didn't try to break away.

Was I becoming a weak slave?

I realized I wasn't becoming weak. I was already weak. I thought that answered my question.

It didn't.

I soon realized why I was letting Jessie do all these things to me.

I was beginning to fall in love with her.

I didn't know why I was in love with Jessie. She had abused me so much, I should've hated her.

I couldn't, somehow.

I didn't want to get on her bad side, so I let her do whatever she wanted to me and did whatever she told me to. It wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I wasn't very smart.

I'm lucky she didn't do it with me. I wouldn't be a virgin right now.

-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

Jessie started taking James into her room a lot. I knew James was her sex slave, so she was probably "exploring" his body.

One night, James came out of Jessie's room and came into the room that he and I shared. He was trembling and crying.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Jessie made me strip right in front of her. I refused, so she ripped off my clothing. I've never been so humiliated in my entire life," James said between quiet sobs.

"Why did she do that?! That's an invasion of privacy!" I was angry.

"I'm her sex slave. She'll do that if I don't do what she says," James whispered.

"She has no right to make you strip if you don't want to," I said.

"Yes, she does, Meowth. She bought me. She has a title deed and everything." James produced two sheets of typed paper. One was a contract and the other was a title deed.

"Where's the 'everything'?" I asked.

"Right here," James said. He took out his sex slave identification card, a name tag, and an identification bracelet.

"Jessie has so much control over you, she's got you defending her when she's violating your rights. You need to stand up to her," I said.

"I just don't know how. And even if I did, I couldn't," James said.

"Why not?" I asked.

No answer.

"James, is there something you're not telling me?" I asked.

"I just can't stand up to Jessie, that's all."

"Why can't you?"

"Because….I love her," James said. He looked at me with tears in his eyes. I was sorry I pushed him to answer.

"Even after she did all those awful things to you?" I said, in a softer voice.

James nodded and the tears ran down his lovely face.

"But if you love her, why haven't you told her?" I asked.

"Because I don't want to love her. I don't know how I do. It's just a weird feeling. I can't explain it," James said. "I didn't even want to fall in love." He started to cry silently.

"It's okay. You can't help your feelings," I said, comforting James.

"I thought that if I let her do whatever she wanted with me, I wouldn't get on her bad side so there would be a chance she would love me too and stop doing these things to me," said James.

"That won't help. She'll just be like, 'okay, I can do whatever I want with you,' and she won't stop, she'll get worse," I said.

"So how am I going to stand up to her?" James asked.

I had to admit, I had no freaking idea.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Living beings are not property. They are certainly not real estate.

The Sad Saga of James Morgan and Company: The First of the Ill-Fated OCs

I made practically a whole boy band of original characters for James to fall in love with. They will, of course, all end up in Jessiebelle's fridge as angst fodder. I'd jokingly say, "Original Character: do not steal," but there's barely anything there to steal.

This fic contains: Colorful language; general angst; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; definite out-of-character moments for Ash (he's kind of ableist holy crap); violence; convoluted occult lore; blood; underdeveloped original character; murderous, occult-powered Jessiebelle; attempted murder/human sacrifice; Meowth gets weirdly descriptive about death; character (Pokémon) death and resurrection; ellipses abuse; Jesus Hades Christ eleven!me tortured James a lot in fic (you always hurt the ones you love i guess)

-O-o-O-o-O-

*Imagine Team Rocket is just walking, minding their own business, until Jessiebelle kidnaps James again. Jessie and Meowth follow her.

Jessiebelle: You stupid, stupid little strumpet. Why do you even try to run from me? You know resistance is futile. You can't run and you can't hide. James: If I can't hide, how come it takes you so long to find me? Jessiebelle: Well, you can hide, but not for long.

*Jessiebelle sprays a potion on James. He falls to the ground, writhing in pain.

James: What is that stuff? Jessiebelle: It's a special potion for disobedient witches.

*James faints. Jessie and Meowth jump in the window.

Jessiebelle: Why must you break my windows? In fact, why must you ruin my plans of sacrificing your friend? Jessie: Unlike you, we don't want to control him.

*Jessiebelle's guard, a boy with green hair and green eyes, walks in.

Guard: Did you kill him?! Jessiebelle: No, but I'm going to. Guard: (looks at James) Don't kill him. Jessiebelle: And why shouldn't I kill him? He's evil, you know. Guard: He's not evil. In fact, I don't think he could be a bad guy.

*While Jessiebelle and her guard are arguing, Jessie and Meowth take James out of there.

Meowth: Wake up, James!

*Meowth starts gently patting James's cheek. James wakes up.

James: What happened? Meowth: You were poisoned by that crazy bitch Jessiebelle. James: It wouldn't be the first time. (winces)

*James takes out a vial of reddish-brown liquid. He turns pale while drinking it and clearly is not enjoying it.

Meowth: What is that stuff? James: (coughs) It's Jigglypuff blood, not taken violently. It's supposed to be an antidote. (doubles over, tries not to vomit)

Meowth: Feel any better? James: Not right away.

*Later that day, James's powers are going insane, which seems to drive him crazy.

James: (softly) I hate her. Meowth: What? James: (louder) I hate her. Jessie: What's the matter? James: I hate her! I hate her! I HATE HER! Meowth: Calm down. Who do you hate? James: I hate that crazy bitch! Jessie: You mean Jessiebelle. James: Yes.

*No one speaks until the next day because of that violent outburst James had. Ash comes across Team Rocket.

Ash: It's Team Rocket! What trick do you have up your sleeves now? Jessie: Just piss off, twerp.

*James is standing with his head down. All he can think about is how he hates Jessiebelle.

James: I hate her. Meowth: Uh-oh. Jessie: Not this shit again. Ash: What?! James: I hate her. Ash: What the hell are you talking about?! James: (screaming) I hate that crazy bitch Jessiebelle! Ash: (backing away) Are you sure you're not the crazy bitch? James: How do you think you'd act if someone wanted to sacrifice you?! Ash: Okay, call the guys in white coats. James: (hisses) I don't need them. I'm not a crazy bitch, I'm a sane witch! Ash: Right now, you sound like a cat. Meowth: Hey! I resemble that remark! Ash: Whatever drugs you're on, I'm gonna just say no. James: I am not on drugs! You're full of shit, you little twerpy bastard! Shut the hell up! Ash: (dubiously) Right.

*Jessie pulls James back and dumps a vial of green potion on his head. James blinks, then seems to snap out of a trance.

James: What was I saying? Ash: That you're not a crackhead? Meowth: Let's just get outta here.

*Jessie and Meowth lead James away to find a place to camp. When they find a good spot, Meowth makes James lie down.

Meowth: After that outburst, you should probably rest. James: What did I do and why don't I remember anything? Meowth: Let's just say you got a little bit mad.

*James sighs. This was clearly the work of Jessiebelle's dark magic.

-O-o-O-

*Imagine Jessiebelle traps Jessie, James, and Meowth in a cage. She decides to leave them there for a while.

*They're clawing and trying to batter their way out. Jessiebelle ignores them.

Jessie: This isn't working. We're going to have to try and get the keys. James: I don't think we'll ever get out. She wants to leave us in here until we beg to die. Meowth: I think all our skin will rot away and our organs will dry up and our blood will evaporate before we beg for death. I'd rather have my brain disintegrate than beg to die.

*They're in different cages. Jessie is in one cage while James and Meowth are in a second cage.

Meowth: I'm not going to beg to die. James: Neither will I. Jessie: I definitely won't.

*Jessiebelle comes back in.

Meowth: Ya hear that? You're not gonna win this! Jessiebelle: Shut up, hell cat! (kicks Meowth, knocking him out) Don't tell me what I will and won't do. Damn you! James: (crawls over to Meowth) What have you done to him?! (holds Meowth)

*Jessiebelle leaves. James tries to nurse Meowth back to health magically. Jessiebelle comes back in and sees James holding Meowth with tears streaming down his cheeks.

James: You killed him. Jessiebelle: No, I didn't.

*James's eyes start glowing ominously. He's got a dark look on his face. But for a second, he looks hurt.

Jessiebelle: I wouldn't do that if I were you. This cage is witchcraft-proof. (to her guard) Tylas, watch these three. See that they don't escape. And keep a very watchful eye on that boy. (walks away)

*Tylas watches them. James is still crying silently.

Tylas: Why are you crying? James: Meowth is going to die. I hate Jessiebelle. Tylas: To tell you the truth, I don't really like her either.

*James and Tylas look in each other's eyes.

Tylas: What's wrong? James: (seems to snap out of a trance) Nothing. (sighs sadly) Maybe she didn't kill him. If you kill a Pokémon out of spite, you get cursed.

*James puts his ear to Meowth's heart. His eyes glaze over. His face gets really pale. He cries out.

Tylas: What's wrong? James: (sobbing) She killed him. Jessie: She killed Meowth?! James: Yes. (sobs) Jessiebelle: What's all this noise about? James: You know damn well what it's about. Jessiebelle: True, but I want to see if I'm right. James: You killed Meowth. Jessiebelle: I was right. (walks out again) Jessie: James, couldn't you use that life potion on Meowth? James: I didn't think of that.

*James sprays the life potion on Meowth. They don't even need to do the whole routine with the sacrifices this time. Meowth comes back to life.

Meowth: I'm alive again. James: I'm so glad you're alive. Jessie: So am I. Tylas: I'm glad, too.

*They manage to escape.

Jessiebelle: How could you let them escape?! Tylas: I don't know. I was hiding the key. Jessiebelle: There's always tomorrow.

*Meanwhile, Jessie, James, and Meowth are in the forest, looking for a place to camp out.

Jessie: I think it was really strange that Tylas was glad Meowth was alive. James: He said he didn't like Jessiebelle that much. Meowth: It was nice of him to help us escape. Jessie: Definitely. Don't you think so, James?

*James doesn't answer. He's staring into space.

Meowth: Hello? Anybody home?

*Jessie waves her hand in James's face.

James: What? What were we talking about? Jessie: We were talking about how it was nice of Tylas to help us escape. James: Oh, yeah. Him. (sighs) Meowth: Why do you keep daydreaming when we talk about him? (figures it out) Hey, I know why! James: What? Jessie: I think you're in love with Tylas. James: (blushes) I'm not. I just….like him a lot. Meowth: That's love.

*James thinks about this for a while.

James: Okay. So Maybe I'm in love with Tylas. Meowth: Then I'll go tell him. James: Wait! Come back here!

*James chases after Meowth. They eventually find a place to camp out.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you kill a Pokémon out of spite, you get cursed. This story must be a Poké serial killer, then.

The Sad Saga of James Morgan and Company: Nobody Is Safe

More of my Pokémon occult AU, barely-there OCs, and James whumpage (I swear he's my favorite character I don't know why I did this to him).

This fic contains: Colorful language; general angst; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; underdeveloped original characters (and their fridging); violence and blood; convoluted occult lore; murderous, occult-powered Jessiebelle (now with fucked up whip action!); attempted murder; main character death (RIP Jessie); Jessiebelle is really messed up; ellipses abuse; Jesus Hades Christ eleven!me tortured James a lot in fic (this extends to Jessie and Meowth it seems); James still has magical powers

-O-o-O-o-O-

*Imagine Tylas quit being Jessiebelle's guard because he didn't want to help kill James. He figures out that James is in love with him. Jessiebelle decides to kill him by putting a curse on James. So, because James loves Tylas, if they kiss each other, Tylas will die.

*James is running from his Victreebel, which is chasing him. Tylas is running, too. He wants to get away from Jessiebelle's dungeon. They both run into each other.

James: (gets up) I'm sorry. It's my fault. I wasn't watching where I was going. Tylas: I wasn't looking either. And I was running too fast. I should be sorry.

*They both look into each other's eyes. Victreebel ruins the romantic moment by pouncing James. James gets Victreebel back into the Pokéball. Tylas is looking at him.

Tylas: Are you okay? James: (shyly) Yes. (blushes) Tylas: You sure? You're turning red. James: I'm fine. (blushes harder)

*They stand there like that for a few seconds.

Tylas: Are you, by any chance, in love with me? Is that why you're so shy and blushing? James: (breathes) Yes. Tylas: Wow. (smiles) James: Well, I have to get back to the camp now. Tylas: Okay.

*They walk away from each other.

Meowth: Did you tell him? James: Yes. At least I didn't kiss him. Then he'd die.

*The next day, the trio and Tylas walk toward each other.

Tylas: James, I know you're kind of shy around me, so I'll make this short. I love you.

*This is too much for James. He bursts into tears.

Tylas: Was it something I said? James: I'm sorry….I shouldn't have started crying. (sniffles) It's just that….Jessiebelle put a curse on me and if I kiss you, you'll die. Tylas: I still love you. James: So do I. But I can't kiss you. Tylas: That's okay.

*Jessiebelle is spying on them.

Jessiebelle: He's too smart. He won't make a mistake. I'll have to kill Tylas myself. James will either beg me to kill him, or die of a broken heart.

*Jessiebelle traps James and Tylas. Jessie and Meowth follow them. Jessiebelle gets out a dark occult knife. She locks James in a cage.

Jessiebelle: Now you'll witness the death of your lover! James: No! Let me die for him! Jessiebelle: No, this time, you can't die for your friend. I'm going to dip this knife in a very powerful potion. It's so powerful, your life potion and your powers won't be able to bring him back to life. I call it "Pure Death." (dips dark occult knife in the pure death potion)

*Jessiebelle stabs Tylas with the the dark occult pure death knife. James's vocal cords lock up and his breathing is shaky.

Jessiebelle: You want his dead body? James: (shakily) Yes.

*James grabs Tylas and gets out of there.

James: You're not going to die. You can live. I can save you. Tylas: She stabbed me with the pure death knife. James: Maybe she was lying about how powerful it was. Tylas: She wasn't. I know that potion. I saw her make it. I will always love you. James: I will, too.

*Tylas dies.

Meowth: You okay? James: No. (is quiet awhile) Maybe I'm not meant to love anyone. (gets up and walks away) Meowth: Where are you going? James: To get a shovel and to bury him.

*Jessie and Meowth see James standing out there in the rain, burying Tylas. He says something, but they can barely hear it. Then he comes back.

*The next day….

Meowth: Love is cruel. James: I hate that word now. Meowth: What?! James: I hate the "L" word. Jessie: You're being ridiculous. James: Everyone I love dies. I managed to bring Meowth back to life, but Tylas is gone. If one more person I love dies, I might consider committing suicide. Meowth: You must've liked him a lot to feel that way now. James: I did. (sighs heavily) I don't want to hurt your feelings, but can I please be left alone for a while? Meowth: You're not hurting our feelings.

*Jessie and Meowth go into the tent. James stays outside. He lets go of the fact that Tylas is dead and realizes that sometimes when you really love a person, you have to let them go.

-O-o-O-

*Imagine Jessiebelle captured James and then Jessie and Meowth followed them and got chained up, too. Jessiebelle injects poison into James. It isn't the pure death poison or some other deadly poison. She sets off a bomb, leaves the dungeon, and lets it blow up. Jessie, James, and Meowth blast off, get separated, and land in three different places. Jessie lands in a lake. James lands in a tree. Meowth lands in another dungeon.

*Jessie gets out of the lake.

Jessie: I wonder what the other two are doing.

*A bunch of kids see her coming out of the lake and start laughing. Meanwhile, James is up in a tree, on a branch. He loses his balance and falls. The tree branch snaps and falls. It lands on his head and knocks him out. At a dungeon….

Meowth: This must be Jessiebelle's new dungeon. (looks around) I'm never blasting off again.

*At the lake….

Jessie: I would take off my skirt and wring it out if all those kids weren't staring.

*At the tree a blond boy finds James. The boy's name is Lucian.

Lucian: He's hurt really badly. Jessiebelle doesn't have to know about this.

*Another boy (red-haired) comes out of the bushes.

Boy: What happened? Lucian: This boy is really hurt.

*The other boy's name is Lenny. He's Lucian's friend.

Lenny: How could he have gotten all those injuries? He looks so young. Lucian: He's only seventeen. His parents want him to marry Jessiebelle, but Jessiebelle has been abusing him. I'm Jessiebelle's new guard. It's a shame he's being abused. Lenny: How has he not died? Lucian: He's a witch, so he has some slight protection against her. But I'm going to protect him more.

*Lucian spreads a paste on James's leg where the poison was injected into him.

Lucian: He's got a bad head injury. Jessiebelle must've hit him. Or maybe he fell out of a tree.

*James wakes up.

James: Where am I? (sits up with difficulty) Lucian: I'm going to help you. I don't care what Jessiebelle thinks. Where are your friends? James: I don't know. We got separated when Jessiebelle blew up the dungeon. Lenny: Who are your friends? James: One of them is a girl named Jessie. She looks exactly like Jessiebelle, but tougher and with longer hair. The other one is a talking Meowth. Lenny: A talking Meowth? I think you should lie back down. James: But it's true. Lucian: He's right. I've seen the talking Meowth. They seem quite close. What happened to you? James: Jessiebelle injected poison into me and blew up the dungeon. Somehow, when we blasted off, Jessie, Meowth, and I got separated. I landed in a tree, but I lost my balance and fell. Then something hit me on the head and I blacked out.

*Jessie and Meowth step out of the bushes.

Meowth: What are you doing? Lucian: I'm helping him. Jessie: A likely story. Lucian: But I want to help him. Meowth: So you can earn his trust and then ambush him when he least expects it. Lucian: No! It isn't like that. I just found him unconscious a few minutes ago. He told me he got separated from you and he didn't know where you were. Meowth: You gained that much of his trust to find that out. Lucian: I took care of his wounds. Meowth: Usually he does that himself. Lucian: He was unconscious.

*Jessie and Meowth share a look.

Meowth: Okay. You can help him. But we'll stay with you to make sure there's no funny business. Lucian: (to James) I'll take care of you.

*James is looking up at Lucian adoringly. Team Rocket befriends Lucian and Lenny. James is in love with Lucian.

-O-o-O-

*Imagine Jessiebelle wants to make James die of sadness. She kills Lucian. Then she decides to try to kill Jessie, then James will commit suicide, ask Jessiebelle to kill him, or die of sadness.

*The trio is walking along the road. Jessiebelle grabs James, knocks him out with her potion, and runs. She comes to a toll booth in the middle of the forest.

Toll Booth Attendant: Where are you going? Jessiebelle: Sorry. I can't tell. It's top secret.

*Later, Jessie and Meowth come to the toll booth.

Toll Booth Attendant: You again?! Jessie: That was just someone who looked exactly like me. Which way did she go? Meowth: And was she carrying a boy? Toll Booth Attendant: She went that way. (points) Yes, she was carrying a boy. Jessie: Did you see what the boy looked like? Toll Booth Person: He had long violet hair. His eyes were closed. He was wearing a uniform similar to yours. Why? Do you think she's going to do something bad to him? Meowth: She's going to kill him.

*They find Jessiebelle's dungeon. James is locked up in a cage. He's kicking the door and trying to blast it open with his powers.

Jessiebelle: Kicking it and using your powers won't do anything. James: I have to at least try!

*Jessie and Meowth come in.

Jessiebelle: Since you're here, I'll just kill one of you. I can't kill that hell cat or I'll get cursed, so I'll have to kill you. James: No. Don't you kill her. Let me die for her! Jessie: James, you're too young to die. I'll die for you. James: No. I couldn't save Tylas and Lucian, but I'm going to save you. Jessiebelle: (dips dark occult knife in pure death potion) I think I'll end this argument. (stabs Jessie)

*James starts screaming and kicking the cage door to get it.

James: You bastard! How could you?! Jessiebelle: Young witches. Always so temperamental. (lets James out)

*James grabs Jessie's dead body, grabs Meowth by the hand, and gets out of there.

James: She's already dead. I didn't even get to say goodbye. (starts to cry softly)

*Meowth can't say anything because he's crying, too. James gets a shovel and buries Jessie.

*The next day, Jessiebelle jumps out of a tree and lands on her feet in front of James and Meowth. She's dressed like Jessie.

James: Jessie? Is that you? Jessiebelle: It's me. Your worst nightmare. Meowth: You're not Jessie. Jessiebelle: Meowth, that's right.

*James faints. Jessiebelle is about to stab James.

Meowth: Fuck off of him! (scratches Jessiebelle across the face)

*Jessiebelle screams and runs off.

Meowth: James, wake up!

*James wakes up.

James: What happened? Meowth: You passed out when Jessiebelle came back.

*Meowth notices James trembling.

Meowth:What's wrong? James: She couldn't have made a Team Rocket uniform that quickly. She would've had to take it off Jessie's body. She dug up Jessie's grave and disrespected her body. Meowth: You're sweating. James: I hate Jessiebelle. Meowth: So do I. James: What did Jessie ever do to her? Why did she have to kill her and do that to her dead body? Meowth: We've gotten killed by her, too. What did any of us do to her to make her kill us? James: I think she wants to make me die of sadness or beg for death. She's getting back at me for not marrying her. Meowth: That could be right. James: I think I should put something on Jessie's grave. Meowth: What are you going to put there?

*James gets up. He goes over to Jessie's grave (which is next to Tylas's grave) and takes out one of his roses. It's a blood red rose. There's a faded pink one on Tylas's grave.

Meowth: But that's your rose you say the motto with. James: I know. I'll carry a black rose because I'm in mourning. Meowth: She'd probably want us to continue saying the motto as we steal Pokémon. James: I don't know if I can continue to be a Team Rocket member. I think she'd want me to, and I want to honor her memory. Meowth: I want to, too. James: Why don't I just dye my uniform black?

*Jessiebelle jumps out of a tree again. She grabs James. Meowth runs after them. They all end up at the dungeon.

Jessiebelle: Marry me or die. I know a great way to kill you.

*Jessiebelle pokes James in the dick with the handle of a dark occult knife. Meowth manages to free James, take him by the hand, and run out of there.

Meowth: Why don't we tell Officer Jenny about this? James: She'd never believe a Team Rocket member. She'd probably laugh if I told her I was sexually abused.

*Jessiebelle kidnaps James and his grandparents. Meowth gets catnapped (or Poké-napped) too.

Jessiebelle: I thought you could use your old-age wisdom to set your grandson straight. (whips James around the waist)

*The whip wraps around James's waist and starts choking him. Jessiebelle tugs on the whip, trying to strangle James.

James's grandfather: What are you doing to him?!

*Jessiebelle lets go of the whip. James falls backward, unconscious. His grandparents catch him before he falls.

James's grandmother: This is madness. Meowth: Why are you killing him?

*James's grandfather is holding his body.

James's grandfather: You killed him. Meowth: (listens to James's heartbeat) He's not dead. He's just unconscious.

James's grandmother: You're going to be all right.

*James comes to.

James: What happened? Meowth: Jessiebelle tried to strangle you to death. James's grandfather: You leave our grandson alone. Jessiebelle: And if I don't?

*Growlie comes in and sets Jessiebelle on fire. She pours water on the fire. Meowth scratches her face. Everybody else runs out of there, taking Meowth with them.

James's grandmother: I'm so sorry we didn't intervene earlier when your parents tried to force you to marry Jessiebelle. We didn't know the danger they were putting you in. James: It's okay. They covered up a lot.

*After James's grandparents and Growlie leave, Meowth comes up to James.

Meowth: I guess it's just the two of us. James: Yeah. Just us. Meowth: Let's go.

*James and Meowth walk into the sunset.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Even in the middle of nowhere in an occult-infested forest, you can't escape the toll booths.

The futile task of ordering the chaos

ao3 fic dreamwidth

An index of oldfic:

A Worse Pill to Swallow: Part one Part two Part three

The Book of Moltres James: Part one Part two Part three Part four

Giovanni Is Just the Worst boss: Part one Part two

James and Meowth Do A Fluffy Experiment: Part one Part two

The Angsty Domestic Life of Team Rocket: Part one Part two Part three

Jessie Drugs James and Is Generally Abusive: Part one Part two Part three Part four

James's Special Delivery: Part one Part two Part three

Toxic Rocketshipping: Part one Part two Part three

Bad Blood: Part one Part two Part three

Holiday Half Arse: Part one Part two

You Got Played (A Yu-Gi-Oh songfic): Part one Part two Part three Part four Part five

The Invasion (A Sims 2 Darkfic): Part one Part two Part three

(IN PROGRESS) The Sad Saga of James Morgan and Company: Episode one Episode two Episode three Episode four Episode five

Brotherly Love (A Taboo Animaniacs fic): Part one Part two Part three Part Four Part Five

New fic and miscellany:

Level Nineteen and Pregnant: A Short Crackfic

The Charm Cat and His Queen: Erotic Blueshipping Haiku

Blueship Ahoy: A Collection of James/Meowth Smut Short Stories

Leaky Loki: A Sims 2 kinkfic (direct link to ao3)

Your Narf is My Drug: A Pinky and the Brain/Animaniacs parody songfic (mirror on ao3)

(IN PROGRESS) The Prophet of Moltres: An Illustrated Crackfic: Page one

(IN PROGRESS) Team Rocket But They're Sims: Part one Part two Part three Part four

Toxic Rocketshipping: But What Are James's Thoughts On Yaoi? (part two of three)

It might seem like the fic has calmed down, but it's just trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

Part one is here.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; gross misunderstanding of slavery; possibly uncomfortable discussions of romance; Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; found family to lovers firebomb; Jessie freckle-shames James; silly, middle-school romance writing; out-of-character behavior for James and Meowth; absolute character assassination of Jessie; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic (so much James whumpage)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

James was in the sun, working on our plan.

It didn't work.

James gets freckles when he stays in the sun for a long time. I thought it was cute, but Jessie didn't.

"Get rid of those hideous spots," she said.

"I can't," James said.

"Then you'll just have to be uglier than usual." Jessie sounded like she didn't care about James's feelings.

James just stared at her. Then he ran into our room and closed the door.

"What's his problem?" Jessie said.

"His problem?! What's your problem? Why are you trying to hurt James like this? He never did anything to you. He cared for you all the time. You never even said 'thank you' once to him," I said.

"Thank him? That little bitch? I'd rather marry that twerp. At least he's not as ugly as James," Jessie said.

"I don't believe you," I yelled.

I went into our room. James was lying down. His hair was messy, his eyes were swollen from crying, and he had dark circles under his eyes. Tears ran down his face, over his freckles.

"What's wrong, James?" I knew he could be upset because of what Jessie said, but there might be a deep-seated reason for all this crying.

"I heard the whole conversation. Jessie hates me." James's voice shook as he spoke.

I didn't want to tell him the truth. But lying only makes things worse. So I just didn't say anything.

"I knew it," he said.

"I just don't know what's with Jessie. First, she buys you, now she abuses you," I said. "I don't know what to do to comfort or protect you."

"It's okay," James said.

We sat in an awkward silence for a long while.

Then James asked the question.

"Would you mind if I liked Pokémon?"

"You mean, 'like them' like them?"

"Yes. It's called Pokébestial."

"No. I wouldn't mind. Actually, I think I'd like you—I mean, like it, too."

Why?

"Okay," James said.

Like you? Why did I say that? I wasn't ready for James to know that. The only way he didn't hear that is if he couldn't think clearly.

Wait a minute—I just kinda mumbled it. That meant it was likely he didn't hear it.

Good, I thought.

-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

I was out of love with Jessie, but I think my orientation got a little "off."

I think I'm Pokébestial.

The closer I got to Meowth, the more I liked him. At first, he was like an older brother, then he was like a twin brother, then we were like good friends, as in playmates. Then we started becoming like best friends.

Suddenly, I had a crush on Meowth.

What if he had a crush on me?! We'd be boyfriend and—

Hold up. Wait a minute. This'll have some yaoi in it.

That just didn't seem right, but I couldn't do what Jessie or anyone else would think is right. I had to tell Meowth.

But what would Meowth think? What if he was like everyone else? What if he didn't like it?

I was in for a real surprise.

-O-o-O-

Later that afternoon, we were sitting in our room, all alone.

Just us boys. No Jessie. She wouldn't want me until nighttime.

"James? I need to talk to you," Meowth said.

"Okay," I said. But I noticed something about his voice. It was soft, almost shy-sounding. He was also blushing a little, I could see it through his fur.

"Did you hear what I said about you being Pokébestial?" he asked.

"No. What did you say?" I asked. I started to get just a bit suspicious.

"I said that….I'd like it," Meowth said.

"Why?" I asked. I kind of knew why, but I just couldn't think clearly because of what it was.

"I like you."

"Like me, like me?"

"Yes."

Right then. I just found out my crush likes me too. What did I do? I did the only thing that was in my character to do.

I passed out.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Being Pokébestial is probably better than being a sex slave for your coworker, though neither is recommended.

Toxic Rocketshipping: Jessie Is Just the Worst Fortune Teller (part three of three)

This fic is possibly Not Safe For Life.

Please heed the warnings.

Part one is here. Part two is here.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; gross misunderstanding of slavery; violence; sexual abuse; Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; silly, middle-school romance writing; the twerps witness something horrible; out-of-character behavior for James and Meowth; absolute character assassination of Jessie; Jessie manages to be anti-choice and pro-abortion at the same time; very shaky understanding of psychological issues; mpreg mention; crucifixion mention; oddly-placed musings on spirituality; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic (Jesus and Hades had nothing to do with this you leave them out of it)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

"James, wake up!"

I came to at the sound of Meowth's voice.

"What just happened? Was that a dream?" I asked. I was lying on the bed with an ice pack on my forehead.

"You fainted. Right after I told you I liked you," Meowth said. I thought he still sounded shy and maybe a little bit hurt.

It wasn't too good to be true, I thought. I began to feel lightheaded again, so I lay back down.

"You don't like me?" Meowth said. He definitely sounded hurt this time.

"I-I just…" was all I could get out.

"What?" Meowth's voice was still soft.

"I….I love you, too," I whispered.

Then Meowth did something I never thought he'd do.

He kissed me. I kissed him back.

We were kissing on the lips.

It just felt right, even though it was wrong. No. It wasn't wrong. We both wanted it.

When our mouths parted, I was practically paralyzed.

Meowth hugged me and started French kissing me. I wouldn't have liked it if it were someone else, but Meowth's mouth was perfectly clean. His breath tasted like mint.

We stopped. We just stared at each other.

"Wow," was all I could say.

Meowth blinked. His large cerulean eyes had a look in them that said, "Did I do that?"

I looked around. Jessie was nowhere to be found.

"Jessie isn't here," I said.

"That's a relief," Meowth said.

We were safe.

-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

The trouble started that night.

Jessie called James into her room for some "slave business." James went in reluctantly.

It was silent for a while until I heard a scream.

I was hiding in Jessie's closet, so I peeked out of the crack in the door. James was lying down on the bed, tied down. Jessie was touching his groin.

"Get off of me! Stop it!" James was screaming.

Jessie pulled James up by his shirt. "Do not resist me. Unless you want things to get ugly," Jessie said. She flung James back down.

That did it.

"If you wanna talk ugly, go look in a mirror," I said, coming out of the closet.

"Damn you!" yelled Jessie. She hit James across his face hard.

Jessie started to unzip James's fly.

"Let me go!" James screamed.

Then, like things weren't bad enough, guess who comes in?

Team Twerp.

"We heard screaming and thought there might be—What the hell is going on with you three?!" Ash yelled.

All this was probably too much for James. He burst into tears.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, while holding James.

"I already told you. We heard screaming and thought someone was being killed or something," Ash said.

Misty had come over to James to comfort him.

"What has she been doing to you?" Misty asked.

James was crying too hard to answer, so I said, "Jessie bought him."

"She bought him?! With a title deed?!" Misty was shocked.

James nodded through his tears.

"That's fucked up," she said.

"She made him her sex slave," I said.

"That's an invasion of privacy! Why would she want to do such awful things to James?" Misty said.

"I don't know. She must be a horny psychopath," I said.

Ash and Brock had to hold Jessie back from sexually abusing James.

That wasn't pretty.

-O-o-O-

Jessie had to be locked up in her room so she couldn't attack James.

Team Twerp stayed with us. They just wanted to help if anything happened.

"Good guys don't usually help bad guys," I said.

"Well, we're not your usual good guys," said Ash.

Jessie started banging on the door of her room. James and I went to the door.

"What are you banging for?" James asked timidly.

"Look under the fucking door and you'll see," Jessie yelled.

James looked under the door. There was a sheet of paper. He gave me a look that said, "What do you think this could be?"

When he turned over the paper and looked at it, he turned completely white.

"That will be you and Meowth one day," Jessie said.

James had dropped the sheet of paper on the floor and staggered into the bathroom. I heard loud vomiting noises coming from the bathroom.

I picked up the paper. On it was the most fucked up thing I ever saw.

It was a crudely drawn picture of the three of us. I was nailed to a cross with my eyelids taped open. That was bad enough, but next to my crucifixion, was a worse picture. Jessie was kicking a very pregnant-with-kittens James in the stomach. James was screaming. There was a red line coming from between James's legs.

Scary.

Written under it was, "I know your secret. This is your future."

Nasty.

I walked right back to Jessie's door.

"Why did you draw that nasty picture of James and me?" I asked.

"Because both of you are Pokébestial freaks and you need to know what's coming," Jessie said.

"What makes you think either of us would let that happen?"

"One day, you're gonna wake up after fucking James's ass and know the picture was right."

I wasn't getting anywhere, so I just decided to give up.

James had come out of the bathroom and into our room. He fell onto the bed.

"How could she have found out about yesterday?" I asked myself.

I guess James must've heard because he said, "She must've heard us kissing."

We were silent for a while.

I sat by where James was lying down.

"Meowth?" James said.

"Yes, James?" I said.

"I've come to a realization. I don't belong with Jessie. I belong with you." James looked up at me. His eyes shone like emeralds. "I've found a place where I belong."

I imagined what James had been going through. He didn't belong with snooty rich people, but he didn't belong with Team Rocket. This was like the ending of a quest to find his place in life, like a spiritual kind of thing.

That whole experience had brought us together.

-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

Meowth cleverly managed to buy me back. He ripped up the title deed and set me free.

Jessie was sent to a mental institution. She is on parole right now.

Caveat emptor, Jessica Romanova.

Meowth and I were together at last.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Don't try to buy your friends. No, literally don't try to buy your friends, they're not property holy shit.

The Sad Saga of James Morgan and Company: I Still Have Questions

If you were (or still are) a regular viewer of Xena: Warrior Princess, you will probably recognize the inspiration for this fic as the season three episode "Forget Me Not." You will also notice that eleven!me completely mangled it.

This fic contains: Colorful language; possible out-of-character moments for James and Meowth; convoluted occult lore; murderous, occult-powered Jessiebelle; ellipses abuse; definite out-of-character moment for Ash; original character; attempted suicide on astral plane/alternate timeline; violence; Jessiebelle is really messed up; Butch and Cassidy are pretty terrible, too; Jessie is still dead; James actually has useful powers (?!); Jesus Hades Christ eleven!me tortured James (and Meowth!) a lot in fic (this particular warning is getting a lot of use isn't it)

-O-o-O-o-O-

*James and Meowth are still mourning Jessie. Jessiebelle is still after James. One day, James and Meowth are walking in the forest when they come across a strange building. It has a sign that says, "Answer Shack: Any questions will be answered, whether you like it or not." It looks like a stone temple.

Meowth: Do you have any questions? James: (thinks awhile). Yes. Several.

*James goes in, but the two guards don't let Meowth in.

Meowth: Hey, what's the big idea? Guard One: Only one inquirer is allowed at a time. Meowth: I don't have any questions. I just wanted to go in with my friend. Guard Two: The questions must be asked and answered in private.

*In the temple, James is standing and looking around. A boy who looks an awful lot like Tylas is standing across from him. James is looking at him with a frightened look on his face.

Temple Keeper Tylas look-alike: What is wrong, James? James: (whispering) Nothing.

*The boy even sounds like Tylas, except his voice is monotone. He's also a witch.

Temple Witch: What do you wish to know? James: Why did all the things that happened to me have to happen to me? Temple Witch: I know what you are talking about. I have been watching you. I have seen you witness the death of your chosen sister and best friend as well as the death of your true love. I have seen you go through pain only a power-carrier can survive. I know the answer to all your questions. It all had to happen to you because you are the Chosen One. If all of that had not happened to you, history would have been changed. And because you are a good bad guy, meaning that on the outside you are a bad guy, but on the inside, you cannot stand being bad. You will kill yourself if you steal one more Pokémon. You will want your Meowth friend to scratch your heart out if your plan to steal Ash's Pikachu actually works. James: No…. Temple Witch: Yes. It may be painful, but it is the truth. You cannot deny it. James: No. I like being part of Team Rocket. I like being evil and nasty. Temple Witch: Admit it. You are not fit to be a bad guy and you know it.

*James tries to break away from him, but for every step backward he takes, the Temple Witch takes a step forward. Even if the Temple Witch weren't taller than him, he'd be afraid.

Temple Witch: You are the perfect one for my experiment.

*Meanwhile, outside….

Meowth: Let me in, NOW!

*Meowth hears James scream. The guards let him in. Meowth sees James lying unconscious on the floor. The Temple Witch stands over him.

Meowth: (screams) What have you done to him?! Temple Witch: I dosed him with this. (holds up a sack of powder) I will take you into what he is thinking and experiencing now.

*The Temple Witch takes Meowth into a back room to show him what James is experiencing in the astral plane dimension. It's mostly what would happen if James had never met Jessie and Meowth.

Meowth: You forced him to think these awful thoughts? Temple Witch: It was necessary. (points to a lonely-looking Pokémon) Look over there. Does that cat look familiar? Meowth: Is that….? Temple Witch: Yes. That is you.

*The cat he pointed to could talk, but….

Temple Witch: What is wrong with this picture? Meowth: I don't know. All I see is a cat talking. Temple Witch: He is talking to himself. This is where you would be if you had never met James, just after Jessie died. All alone.

*Some people take him away.

Temple Witch: Listen. Person taking Meowth away: Where is your owner? Can you really talk and understand us? Meowth in James's dream: She died. Person: We'll have to set up an orphanage. Dream Meowth: An orphanage?! Please don't take me there! Person: I'm sorry, but we can't let you stay on the streets if you used to have a trainer. (takes him away) Temple Witch: That is what would have happened. Now, look at this.

*They're at a mansion, looking through the window.

Meowth: That's James! I don't see anything different about him. Temple Witch: Look closely. At his expression. Look what that woman is doing to him. Meowth: That's Jessiebelle! But she's got a whip and a wand. James looks so scared and sad. Temple Witch: He is not just scared and sad. He is frightened and miserable. Now, watch.

*Jessiebelle closes the door and locks it. James sits, shaking. He's crying. Jessiebelle hits him.

Meowth: Don't let her do this to you! Temple Witch: He cannot hear or see you. Meowth: I don't want to see any more of this. Temple Witch: We are not finished. Look.

*James is in the dungeon. He's doing something with a rope.

Meowth: What's he doing? Temple Witch: He had to tie the knot. Now he will tie the noose. Meowth: What's that supposed to mean?! Temple Witch: He is committing suicide.

*Jessiebelle comes in. She makes James put the noose away. He's now like a slave. He can't talk without permission.

Meowth: She's hurt him so much. Temple Witch: He is not allowed to cry. One tear could mean death for him. Meowth: (crying) Stop! Take me back to reality. I want to see the real James. Not some emotionless, voiceless boy who happens to be the same person. Temple Witch: It is now time to return.

*They go back to reality. James wakes up.

Temple Witch: What both of you just saw and experienced was a page from your life's history ripped out. The page where you met each other. (disappears into a cloud of smoke)

*James picks up Meowth and runs as fast as he can trying to get as far as he can from that temple. Later that day….

Meowth: Why are you sitting on that rock? James: (flat, monotone voice) I'm thinking. (wanders back to the tent)

*James's face is pale and his eyes are glazed over. Meowth could swear on Jessie's grave that an eerie green glow is coming from James's green eyes. Meowth follows him into the tent.

Meowth: If there's something wrong, please talk to me.

*James glances at Meowth, even though he isn't really looking at Meowth.

James: (flat voice) It's just that boy. He looks too much like Tylas. Meowth: (thinking) I wish I had the old James back. Not….this distant boy who looks at everyone with an empty stare and wanders around like a ghost. I want my only living friend back.

*Meowth starts to cry.

James: (flat voice) What's wrong? (turns to face Meowth)

*James's empty stare and the lack of color on his face only makes Meowth cry harder.

Meowth: I'm worried about you. James: (flat voice) Why ever would that be? I'm fine. Meowth: No, you're not. You talk like a robot. You wander around like a ghost. You have that distant look in your eyes. You're almost as white as your uniform. James: (soft, flat voice) I've always been like this. Meowth: (crying) No, you haven't! I just want the old James back. The one who even though he could only smile weakly, he'd smile anyway.

*James is quiet for a minute. Meowth thinks he sees a very small trace of emotion on James's face. When James turns to face him fully, he has that emotionless expression and empty stare back on.

James: (flat voice) There's nothing wrong with me. (sighs) Meowth: Even your sighing sounds monotone. James: (flat voice) Maybe after a good night's rest, we'll both feel better.

*They go to sleep. The next day, James wanders off to that rock he sat on the day before. The twerps notice him.

Ash: It's Team rocket! What are you up to now?

*James doesn't answer him.

Ash: What's the deal with him?

*James turns in Ash's direction. He has that distant look in his eyes.

Ash: He's giving me he creeps. Brock: He looks strange. Like a ghost, except he's not floating or see-through.

*Misty walks up to James.

Misty: What's wrong? James: (flat voice) Nothing. Meowth: He's been like that for hours.

*Misty waves her hand in front of James's face. He doesn't seem to respond.

Misty: He's so pale and quiet. Why is that? Meowth: I don't know. James: (flat voice) It's something I saw yesterday. Misty: What was it?

*James tells her in a flat monotone voice. His eyes are halfway open, like he's in a trance. After hearing the story, the twerps are disturbed and leave. James is trying to support himself by leaning on a nearby tree.

Meowth: I think he's draining your energy. James: (flat voice, getting shakier) I'm fine. Maybe my powers are just going insane again.

*James shakes violently, breaks away from the tree, and runs to a bush to throw up.

Meowth: You sure don't seem fine to me.

*James looks up again while wiping his mouth. He seems to have rejected whatever powder he took in the temple. The distant James dissolves. James breaks down in tears.

James: (crying) That temple witch was Tylas's ghost, being controlled by Jessiebelle.

*Meowth comforts James and then walks him back to the tent to rest. Later that evening, Meowth decides to cook dinner.

Meowth: We're having soup. It'll go down easier for you. (hands James a bowl) James: Thanks.

*The next day, as they're walking through the woods, they come across Butch and Cassidy.

Cassidy: I don't see Jessie anywhere. I guess she couldn't cut it in Team Rocket after all.

*James and Meowth glare.

Butch: You two should go ahead and quit while you're behind. You're not fit to be Team Rocket members. Cassidy: Are you still shitty at training that Victreebel? Did it finally snap and eat Jessie's hair off? Is that why she left you? Butch: Or did all your failures drive her to make a final blast off?

*James's hands curl into fists.

James: JESSIE WAS MURDERED, YOU UTTER CUNTS!

*James zaps lightning at Butch and Cassidy. They scream and run off. James sinks to his knees and stares at his hands.

Meowth: Ha! You sure showed them! (turns to James) James? James: I could've killed them…. Meowth: But you didn't. James: That doesn't matter! (trembling) Meowth: I think you should lie down. James: Let's just set up camp.

*They set up camp. James goes into the tent and lies down on his sleeping bag. Meowth follows.

Meowth: I'm worried about you. First, Jessiebelle tries to kill you, then she kills Jessie, now this. I hate to say this, but maybe we can't fight her anymore. James: What are you saying?! Meowth: Maybe we should surrender. James: No! I'm not going down without a fight. It's even in our motto! "Surrender now or prepare to fight!" I have to live up to it. Even if we lose. (sighs sadly) Jessie would want us to. Meowth: I miss Jessie, too. And we're not even near her grave. James: It's not just Jessie I miss. That temple witch reminded me of Tylas. Meowth: I see a pattern here. You loved Tylas, so Jessiebelle killed him. Jessie is our friend, so Jessiebelle killed her, and….

*James's eyes widen.

James: You're the only one left. (starts crying quietly) Meowth: I won't die. And I won't leave you. James: I will protect you.

*James protects Meowth and they manage to avoid Jessiebelle for a while.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If a person, place, or organization claims to have all the answers, RUN.

The Sad Saga of James Morgan and Company: The Trouble Is Made Double

In which James loses his blood innocence (first kill drama) but gains a doppelganger.

This fic contains: Colorful language; possible out-of-character moments for James and Meowth; convoluted occult lore; murderous, occult-powered Jessiebelle; ellipses abuse; original characters; blood and violence (including sexual violence); Jessiebelle slut-shames James a lot; Jessie is still dead; Jesus Hades Christ eleven!me tortured James (and Meowth!) a lot in fic (and then I decided one James wasn't enough); James still has magical powers

-O-o-O-o-O-

*Jessiebelle kidnaps James again. Meowth meets Lenny and they both follow.

*At the dungeon, Jessiebelle has a new guard named Tyrel, who looks down at James mockingly.

Jessiebelle: Tyrel, help me find a way to punish this strumpet. James: I'm no strumpet! I'm still a virgin! Jessiebelle: I would've thought you'd sin with Tylas or Lucian. James: Don't you say their names. Tyrel: If you want, I could dig them up for you. James: I will beat the piss out of you. Tyrel: I'd like to see you try, whore-lock.

*James starts punching and kicking Tyrel. Tyrel is bigger than him, so his fighting doesn't do anything.

Tyrel: You're so soft. Will you love me like the other guards?

*Tyrel grabs James's ass and pulls him down. James bites Tyrel on his dick.

Tyrel: Get this crazy ho off my fuckin' dick!

*Meowth and Lenny come in. Jessiebelle whips James.

Meowth: He fights good, in a dirty way.

*Jessiebelle pulls James off Tyrel's dick. Meowth and Lenny get James out of there.

Meowth: That was weird. James: He grabbed my arse and called me a whore. Meowth: Now I see why you did that.

*Suddenly, a trap closes around James's leg. He shrieks.

Meowth: What's wrong? James: I think Jessiebelle set a trap and I fell into it.

*Meowth and Lenny pry the trap open and get James's leg out, somehow managing to avoid the powder smeared on it. James looks relieved until he sees the powder seeping into his skin. His eyes widen.

Meowth: What's wrong? James: It has poison on it. (winces) I'm starting to think the universe has something against me. Meowth: You and me both.

*James continues to put antidote on the poison.

James: (sighs) I'm just a bad luck charm. If life was a test, I'd get an "F." You're probably better off without me. Meowth: Don't say that. (grabs James's hands) We're stronger as a team. I will not leave you behind.

*They manage to keep away from Jessiebelle and Tyrel for a while.

-O-o-O-

*Imagine Tyrel made James so mad, he did an awful thing.

*James, Meowth, and Lenny are walking through the woods. Tyrel kidnaps James. Meowth and Lenny follow them (as usual). Tyrel does everything to torture James. Jessiebelle just stands by watching and smiling at the whole scene. Tyrel grabs James's nether areas. James tries to kick Tyrel. Tyrel pushes James against a wall with his foot. James gets away from the wall and punches Tyrel. Tyrel grabs James.

Tyrel: You are a disgrace and dishonorable for refusing to marry Jessiebelle. You must be punished! James: Let go of me!

*James starts fighting like mad. He grabs the pure death knife and stabs Tyrel three times. Tyrel is dead.

James: What have I done? Jessiebelle: (smirking) Congratulations, James. Your first kill.

*James just whimpers.

Jessiebelle: You should be happy. You didn't even like him. James: I drew blood. I killed someone. Jessiebelle: And the really funny part is, I controlled you and made you kill him. (laughs)

*James snarls and glares at Jessiebelle.

James: Leave me alone.

*Meowth and Lenny drag him out of there. James is pale.

Meowth: Are you okay? James: No.

*James begins to cry quietly.

James: I hate Tyrel. And I hate Jessiebelle. (sobs) Meowth: I know how you feel.

*Meowth puts his arms around James. James hugs Meowth. They stay like that for a long time. Neither of them are thinking about Jessiebelle's newest guard.

-O-o-O-

*Imagine Jessiebelle got a new guard. This guard really surprises James and Meowth.

*Their day starts out just like any other. Walking along, minding their own business, trying to avoid death. Then Jessiebelle grabs James inconspicuously. Meowth and Lenny follow. Jessiebelle takes James to her dungeon.

James: What more could you possibly want to do to me? Jessiebelle: Don't you want to meet my new guard? James: I'd rather not. Jessiebelle: Well, you're going to see him anyway. Evander, you can come out now. Evander: Is he here?

*Evander's voice sounds very familiar to James, but with a different accent.

Jessiebelle: Don't be shy. Come meet your target.

*A black-clad boy comes out of the shadows. James gasps. The boy looks exactly like James. The same hair, the same body type, the same face. And he's smirking evilly and James is staring at him, horrified.

Evander: What are you staring at, James? James: You have my face.

*Evander looks straight into James's eyes. His eyes are an icy shade of pale green, much colder than James's emerald green eyes.

Evander: Not exactly. I have the same Pokémon, too. James: No, you don't. You can't. Evander: You're right. Koffing and Weepinbel aren't the same as Weezing and Victreebel.

*James faints from the shock and from staring into Evander's eyes.

Meowth: What have you done to him?! Evander: He can't handle my Glare.

*Evander pimp slaps James. James wakes up, covered in sweat.

Evander: Did you have a nice nap?

*James just snarls and scowls at him in a very undignified way.

Jessiebelle: Good boy, Evander. Evander: Thank you, Master.

*Jessiebelle pats Evander on the head. Evander smiles like a dog getting patted on the head.

James: If you're so obedient, why don't you marry Jessiebelle? Evander: Because I'm helping her marry you. And I'm not suited to become the sacrifice. Jessiebelle: Leave Team Rocket. Marry me. James: No. I won't leave Meowth. Evander: Come now, the Temple Witch told you you're no good at it. James: That Temple was a trap! You disrespected Tylas's spirit!

*Evander hits James across the face.

Evander: Don't you tell us about disrespect, trollop!

*Evander takes out a Pokéball and releases a Persian.

Evander: Persian, fury swipes!

*Persian scratches James. He cries out in pain. Evander calls out an Arcanine.

Evander: His name is Archie. James: Copycat. Evander: Archie, bite him!

*Archie bites James. James screams. Evander calls back Archie and Persian. He starts beating James himself. He continues to whip James even after he's unconscious.

Meowth: Get away from James!

*Meowth slashes his way in and fights off Evander. He and Lenny get James out of there. He's covered in blood. Meowth collects some of the blood, cleans James up, and takes care of his wounds. James wakes up.

James: Is he gone? Meowth: Don't worry. He's not here.

*James begins to cry silently.

James: Why did she have to get a guard that looks exactly like me? Why did I have to kill that other guard? Meowth: It was self defense. James: That was my first kill ever. Meowth: I hate to say it, but you might have to do it again.

*James looks at Meowth, horrified.

Meowth: You have to kill Evander. James: No! I couldn't! Meowth: But if you don't kill him, he'll kill you!

*James shakes his head.

James: I'm not killing anymore. Tyrel will be my first and last kill. I can't kill Evander. Meowth: Then what are we going to do? James: I don't know. But there has to be another way.

*To be continued….

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you keep saying "Make it double," one day a fic writer will actually take you up on it.

Holiday Half Arse: A Less-Than-Festive Fic (part one of two)

At some point, twelve!me decided to write a fic that took place during several holidays. The holidays barely got referenced (Jessie attacks James and Meowth on Thanksgiving and if you do the math, the kitten was probably conceived around Halloween), but I didn't skimp on the drama.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; mpreg; colorful language; absolute character assassination of Jessie (she's super violent towards Meowth and pregnant James); Jessie gets offensive about out-of-wedlock kittens; very shaky understanding of psychological issues; pregnancy is quite rough on James; Officer Jenny is repetitive

-O-o-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

I fell onto the bed.

I just couldn't seem to close the button on my fly. I tried everything I could to get the button in the hole. I didn't know what was wrong because I wasn't fat. Usually my pants would be falling off.

I finally got the button into the hole. I went over to the mirror and started to brush my hair. I saw that it seemed to have grown quite a bit longer in a short amount of time. I wondered why.

I looked in the mirror at my reflection. Meowth always told me I was beautiful.

Meowth is my boyfriend. Yes, that's right. I'm a human with a Pokémon boyfriend.

Meowth came in the room.

"James?" he said to me.

I didn't really hear him.

"James?" he said again.

"What?" I said.

"You okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," I said.

"Breakfast is ready," Meowth said.

At breakfast, I ate more than usual. "Someone was hungry," Jessie said as I washed the dishes.

We spent the entire afternoon trying to make up plans to capture Pikachu. We couldn't really decide which one to use, but we did agree on one thing. No more pitfalls for a while.

I was suddenly exhausted, so I went into the bedroom to take a nap. I woke up two hours later. Meowth was sitting next to me, watching me sleep.

"Jessie tried to cook again. It didn't work. Now we need to know what topping you want on the pizza," Meowth said.

I was about to answer, but then I got the urge to run into the bathroom and vomit.

(Meowth's point of view)

I ran after James. I found him in tears kneeling on the floor, wiping his mouth.

"James, what's wrong?" I asked.

James took a while to calm down. "I….I….I'm…." was all he could get out.

"Take it easy," I said, patting his hair.

James took a breath. "I just keep throwing up. I don't what's wrong with me. What if it's serious?" he said.

I thought for a minute. "You've also been eating more."

James gave me a look.

"And you've been getting tired easily. And you've been pretty emotional, even more than usual."

James's look intensified.

"I'm saying you might be pregnant, Jimmy."

James was shocked. "I-I can't be," he said.

"Here, take this test."

I gave him a pregnancy test to pee on. He did it and a blue plus sign appeared on it.

James looked down at his stomach. "How did I not know?"

"You're probably not that far into it. Also Meowth kittens are a lot smaller than human babies, so you won't show as much," I said. "The kitten is probably already feisty."

James smiled. "I could've told you that part."

(James's point of view)

The good part of the experiment was Meowth and I would have a kitten.

The bad part was I'd be uncomfortable and not that attractive.

I was in bed often, so my hair was so messy, I looked like I had lice. It was just bad luck that my freckles from the sun hadn't gone away. They made my face look even more flushed than it already was. My eyes were getting swollen from sleeping. I also had dark circles under my eyes.

Here's the uncomfortable part. I had to throw up every five seconds in the morning and early afternoon. It felt like torture after I did. I was so weak I couldn't walk back and forth from one room to the other, so I fell asleep in the bathroom a lot. My cravings for food were driving me crazy.

And the kitten was kicking so hard, I felt like birthing it every time it kicked.

Every single thing bothered me.

Once, Jessie said, "That kitten will be out of wedlock." I screamed, "I don't care! That doesn't mean it doesn't deserve to live!"

"Touché," Jessie said.

I ran into the bathroom, crying. I heard Jessie and Meowth talking through the door.

"You didn't mean anything bad, did you?" Meowth was saying.

"If the kitten is born out of wedlock, it's a bastard kitten. That's just how it is," Jessie said.

"How could you say that? Or even want to say that to James? He never said anything about your Pokémon."

"The kitten isn't his Pokémon, Meowth. It's his child."

"So why you gonna dis it like that?"

"Don't talk back, you furball! Someone needs to tell James the truth and if you're too stupid to know it, I'll just have to tell him."

"I'll make sure you don't." Meowth's voice was cold.

"Is that a challenge?!" Jessie yelled. I heard a scream and Meowth crying.

I rushed out of the bathroom. Jessie had shoved Meowth against the wall. Meowth was in tears, wailing.

"Jessie, what are you doing?!" I screamed.

Jessie came over to me and started pushing me.

"This is our business. Don't butt in!" she yelled.

I saw Meowth staring at us, still crying.

I had to stand up to Jessie.

(Meowth's point of view)

Jessie pushed James into the bathroom.

"So, you want to make this your business?" Jessie said in a threatening tone of voice.

The door was open so I could see what was happening.

Jessie slapped James across his face. James started crying.

"Why did you beat up Meowth?!" he yelled.

"That is none of your business!" Jessie hit James again.

"Stop hitting him, bitch!" I screamed.

Jessie yelled, "Stay out of this, ass-cat!" She kicked the door shut.

I ran to the phone and called the mental institution.

"It's an emergency!" I screamed.

"Hey, calm down. What's wrong?" the person on the phone said.

"A maniac beat me up and is beating up my friend. I think she's trying to kill us."

"We'll be right over."

They got to our cabin fast. "Where is she?" one of them said.

"In the bathroom," I said.

The people opened the door. The bathroom was not a pretty sight. It was completely trashed. James was sitting against the wall, crying, while Jessie threatened and cursed at him, waving a wrench. I could see a few bruises on James.

"You interfere with me fucking up Meowth, you'll get fucked up, too, cunt!" she yelled.

"See? She's a psychopathical fuckass!" I screamed.

The people stared at me, looking surprised.

"Sorry. Excuse my language," I said.

They still stared.

"You're a talking Meowth?!" they said.

"Yes, but please arrest her!" I yelled.

The people dragged Jessie out of there in a straitjacket.

"I'll get you both even if it's the last thing I do! One day you bastards will get the ultimate fuck-up!" Jessie screamed.

"Is everything okay?" Officer Jenny asked.

I didn't hear because I was trying to get James out of the bathroom.

"James, she's gone. Please come out of there," I said.

"Is everything okay?" Officer Jenny asked again.

"I can't get James out of the bathroom. I just want to know if he knows everything is all right," I said.

Officer Jenny knocked on the door. "You can come out now."

James didn't come out. I could hear him sobbing and sniffling.

"Please come out, James. The mental institution got her and took her away. We're safe now," I said.

James opened the door a crack and peered out. He came out, picked me up, and hugged me.

"Attaboy," one of the people said.

"Is everything all right?" Officer Jenny asked.

"Everything is fine now," James said.

Later that evening at dinner, it was weird when I was setting the table and I only needed two place mats, two plates, two cups, two napkins, and two sets of silverware.

"What are we having for dinner?" I asked.

"Tuna," James said. James had been craving tuna all day.

When we sat down for dinner, James took out a bottle of chocolate sauce.

"What are you gonna do with that?" I asked.

"I'm going to put it on my portion," James said. I asked him to pass the bottle so I could try it, too.

After a while, James said, "It tastes okay, doesn't it?"

I nodded. "It's perfect. Right, Jess—oops, I forgot. Jessie isn't here."

"I'm going to miss her even if she did abuse me." James had tears in his eyes.

"At least our kitten is safe," I said.

"Yeah. That's one thing to be thankful for," James said.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Officer Jenny is ineffective in domestic abuse cases (at least in whatever AU this takes place in).

Holiday Half Arse: Nyarth Nativity (part two of two)

Twelve!me should not be trusted to plan a Christmas dinner or name mpreg kittens.

Part one is here.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; mpreg; absolute character assassination of Jessie (she’s super violent towards Meowth and pregnant James); very shaky understanding of psychological issues and mental institutions; James, Meowth, and their kitten eat the placenta

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

Before we knew it, it was the middle of December. James had gotten pregnant in October, so the ninth week was getting closer.

One day we were sitting in the living room, watching TV. Actually, I was sitting, bored at all the corny Christmas commercials and James was lying down, half-asleep. The couch wasn't the most comfortable place to fall asleep, but I couldn't blame James for not being fully awake. All those commercials were so cheesy and boring.

A commercial came on. I thought James would be falling asleep, but it was a telephone commercial. It was about a couple who couldn't be together for Christmas. They decided if they couldn't be together, they should at least call collect so they save money.

To my surprise, James burst into tears.

"That commercial was so sad. We're lucky we can be together for the holidays," he said.

"We can be together every day," I said. I hugged James. He hugged me too. He winced.

"Did my claws come out?" I asked.

"No. The kitten just kicked," James said.

James was a little round. The kitten would come any day. I wasn't sure if I could call James's Team Rocket uniform a maternity outfit.

I did learn that the kitten moved more whenever James ate anything sweet.

It seemed like the kitten could come out in the eighth week.

-O-o-O-

On Christmas Eve, James seemed to be really enthusiastic about having the kitten near Christmas.

He went into the bedroom to take a nap. A few minutes later, I heard James call me. He was breathing hard.

"I….I think it's time," he panted.

James pushed while I caught the kitten as it came out. One final push popped out the kitten.

The kitten was okay, of course. James was also okay. He still hurt a little, but he was okay.

"It's beautiful," James breathed.

"Just like you," I said. Then I bit off the kitten's umbilical cord.

The kitten opened its eyes. It had emerald green eyes like James.

James smiled at me. "It's a girl," he said.

"What's her name?" I asked. James was sure to come up with a meaningful name.

"Her name is Jessowth," James said. He started to breastfeed the kitten.

"Jessowth. Interesting name," I said.

The next day, on Christmas, James and I were happy to cuddle up in front of the TV with our daughter. We decided to have the placenta for our Christmas dinner that night.

"I guess we can't have sex tonight," James said.

"Oh, don't worry. The kitten and your love makes up for it," I said.

James began to cry.

"I'm sorry. That was just so sweet. You….You know I really love you, don't you?" James said.

"Yes. And I love you too," I said. "And anyway, you have to wait four or five weeks. You don't want to strain yourself."

James smiled. "You're the doctor."

(James's point of view)

Our little kitten seemed to grow so fast in just five weeks.

Jessie wasn't yet out of the mental institution. I was a little glad. A violent person shouldn't be around a newborn kitten.

After about ten weeks, I began getting sick again: eating a lot and vomiting. And I was craving foods I didn't normally eat.

After three hours of that, I just got out the Pokémon pregnancy test. A few minutes later, Meowth came into the bathroom.

"Are you okay, James? You look flushed," he said.

"Meowth, I'm pregnant again," I said.

"Another kitten?! Wow, you're producing a lot of kittens," Meowth said.

"It's just one," I said.

"Well, we're raising one kitten. We can raise another one," Meowth said.

Meowth was actually little more than a kitten himself. He was an adult (if he was human, he would be only slightly older than my eighteen years), but he hadn't evolved into a Persian (and he didn't plan to). One could say I was having kittens for a kitten.

Both Meowth and Jessowth are my kittens to watch over, care for, and protect.

Epilogue (Meowth's point of view)

Jessie eventually came home from the mental institution. She and James are friends again.

Jessowth is talking. She sounds like a female version of me.

Jessowth seems to be kind of wary of Jessie. Maybe she knew Jessie abused James when he was still pregnant with her.

James is delighted to be having another kitten. He's pretty far along.

We're all one big happy Team Rocket.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Maybe don't name your newborn kitten after your formerly abusive friend, no matter how much she's improved. Also: tired of that boring bird for Christmas dinner? Try placenta!

You Got Played: A Yu-Gi-Oh Songfic (Part One of Five)

I warned you.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; Kaiba and Bandit Keith dueling in bed without cards to "Cotton Eye Joe"; author's notes to give track listings; condom mention; cheating; terrible OC; terrible OC uses the r-slur; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother's romantic life; Kaiba is classist about McDonalds

-O-o-O-o-O-

Kaiba sat at his computer, lost in thought.

He kept daydreaming of his new boyfriend, Bandit Keith. Kaiba and Keith had been dating for about two weeks. Kaiba’s new group of friends, Yugi and company, wasn’t sure that he should be dating a character like Keith, but Keith had seemingly changed from a low-down, dirty cheater to an acceptable choice for a boyfriend. Plus, they knew that Kaiba could take care of himself, so they figured it would be okay.

Kaiba blew his reddish-brown hair out of his face. His dark blue eyes began to get a look of anticipation in them. He was going to see Keith that night. He and Keith always went out on their dates at night. Kaiba didn’t think this was weird because he wasn’t very fond of going out during the day. He thought it was boring. The night was just more interesting to him.

Another odd thing that Keith did was forbid Kaiba to tell anyone outside of his brothers and Yugi’s group of friends. Keith had told Kaiba that if he didn’t tell anyone outside of the aforementioned people, then the press wouldn’t find out and be after them. After all, he and Kaiba dating would make a great article in a magazine, since Kaiba was the World Champion at Duel Monsters and Keith was the Intercontinental Champion. Kaiba thought this part was sort of weird because the press couldn’t care less about them; they were too busy going after pop stars and actors to worry about duelists. But Keith told him that he should keep it a secret just in case the press started to actually care about the lives of duelists.

That night, Keith waited in a dark corner of the schoolyard of Domino High School. A tall, slim figure approached him.

“Who’s there?” Keith asked lazily, combing his dirty blond hair with his fingers.

“I’m here.” The figure stepped out of the darkness. It was Kaiba, dressed in a black shirt, black pants, black boots, and his white trenchcoat.

“Damn Kaiba, you look fine as hell!” Keith said, walking over to Kaiba.

“Thank you, Keith,” Kaiba answered.

Keith put his arm around Kaiba’s shoulders and the two walked off.

Keith and Kaiba went to see a horror movie. Kaiba wasn’t that interested in horror movies, but he didn’t mind because Keith was there.

When the movie was over, Keith walked Kaiba home. After Kaiba went inside of his mansion, and Keith began to walk away, another figure stepped into the spotlight of the streetlights.

“Hey, Keith,” a female voice purred.

Keith turned to look to the left, which was where the voice came from. A girl stood in the light. She had piercing green eyes, wavy blond hair that cascaded to her waist, and although she had very tanned skin, one could tell that she was Caucasian. She wore a pink tank top and tight blue jeans, cut off at mid-thigh.

“Hey, Kyra,” Keith said.

“What’re you doing in such a fancy neighborhood?” Kyra’s high voice floated out seductively.

“Just walking.” Keith stopped to ogle Kyra.

“You haven’t forgotten our date tomorrow afternoon, have you?” Kyra asked, stepping rather close to Keith.

“How could I forget our one-month anniversary?” Keith said putting his arm around Kyra’s waist.

“I’ll wear something extra-sexy,” Kyra said.

Then she and Keith kissed, then walked off together.

-O-o-O-

Kaiba went upstairs to his room. He threw himself onto his bed. He almost wanted to sing, he was so happy. He had never felt like this before.

Mokuba was walking past Kaiba’s room. He saw Kaiba stare off into space, then suddenly start laughing for no apparent reason.

“Seto? Are you feeling okay?” Mokuba asked. It wasn’t like Kaiba to just start laughing for no reason, unless he was practicing his evil laugh.

“Keith makes me so happy,” Kaiba said.

Mokuba understood. “So, how was your date tonight?”

“We went to see ‘Saw’ and then we went to dinner at McDonalds,” Kaiba answered. (The last part of their date involved Keith saying “I love you, baby, so you can supersize it.” How cheap.) “It was sort of good because Keith was there, but I didn’t like the movie. You shouldn’t see ‘Saw.’”

“Not even if you’re at a playground?”

Kaiba smiled at Mokuba’s pun. “It’s a really dumb movie. I think it was rated ‘R’, but the people selling the tickets didn’t ask how old we were, so we were able to get in,” Kaiba continued. “He made it less boring by making cute little sarcastic comments. We were the only two people in the theater, so it was okay. And I know this part is going to sound weird coming from me, but he let me cuddle up to him during the supposedly scary parts.” Kaiba chuckled sexily.

Mokuba was fascinated. While he didn’t fully trust Bandit Keith, he liked the way Keith made his brother so happy.

At that moment, their older brother, Noah, walked in. Noah was very protective of his two younger brothers, and he definitely did not trust Keith. In fact, he didn’t really trust anyone who dated Kaiba. He was afraid that they would treat Kaiba the wrong way.

Noah walked over to Kaiba’s bed and sat down next to the two of them. “So, how did your date go?”

“We went to a movie and then we went to dinner,” Kaiba answered, still in a dreamy, trance-like state.

“Keith didn’t take advantage of you, did he? He didn’t try to get you to do anything you didn’t want to?”

Kaiba sighed. “Noah, by now you must realize that nobody can make me do anything I don’t want to do. You must also realize that if Keith was trying to take advantage of me, I would catch him and he would be in a world of trouble. So don’t worry about it.”

Noah ran his hands through his green hair. “I just get so worried whenever you go out with Keith. I mean, you only go out at night and you always go to places where there aren’t a lot of people. I’m just afraid that he might hurt you.”

“Don’t worry, Noah. I can take care of myself,” Kaiba said.

-O-o-O-

The next day, Kaiba sat in his mansion, doing something on the computer. His next date with Keith wasn’t until that night.

Keith went out with Kyra for their one-month anniversary. Kyra wore a short, low-cut pink mini-dress with high-heeled shoes. Keith wore a red T-shirt and jeans.

“This is such a great restaurant,” Kyra commented, as their food was brought to the table. They were at the Domino Mall in a restaurant called “Café Bistro.” It was a semi-classy restaurant, which meant the waiters had to wear suits. There was a man playing the piano in a corner of the restaurant.

“Only the best for my girlfriend,” Keith said, touching Kyra’s hand.

Kyra caught sight of a group of kids outside the restaurant. Yugi and company were listening to the music that was playing in the mall.

“Come on, come on, get it on, we’re ridin’ in our rollacoasta!” Joey was singing along to the song that was playing as Yugi, Yami, and Tea watched. Tristan was dancing comically next to Joey.

“Who’re those losers?” Kyra asked.

Keith saw them. “They’re just some kids who’re at our school. They act like that all the time.”

Just then, out of the corner of his eye, Keith saw a green-haired boy and a younger boy with black hair approaching. He nearly choked on his food. “Oh, hell, no! What’re those Kaibas doing here?!” he thought frantically.

Kyra saw Noah and Mokuba. “Whoa…..did he dye his hair, or is he a plant-based life form?” she commented on Noah’s interesting hair color.

“Um…they’re just some rich kids,” Keith answered quickly. Then to change the subject, he added, “You weren’t kidding when you said you’d wear something extra-sexy.”

Kyra giggled like the ditz she was. “You’re so sexy when you say things like that!”

Outside of the restaurant’s window, Keith caught Mokuba’s eye. “Hey, there’s Bandit Keith!” Mokuba said. “But who’s that girl with him?”

He and Noah watched Keith and Kyra talking and laughing.

“I don’t like the looks of this,” Noah said.

“Maybe she’s his sister,” Mokuba suggested.

They watched Keith and Kyra start to kiss on the lips.

“Or maybe she’s not,” Mokuba corrected himself.

“Holy crap! Keith’s a player! We have to tell Seto!” Noah exclaimed.

“Tell me what?” Kaiba had walked up behind them. He had not heard the first part of their conversation or seen Keith and Kyra in the restaurant.

In the restaurant, Kyra had seen Kaiba walk over to his brothers. “Oh my god, who is that freak in the white trenchcoat? He looks like some kind of retarded robot,” Kyra said.

Keith looked out the window and saw the three brothers. “Oh, shit, Kaiba’s here, too!” he thought.

“Do you know that boy?” Kyra asked Keith.

“Uh….he’s just another rich kid,” Keith answered.

Back outside, Kaiba was still waiting for an answer. His back was to the restaurant’s window.

“What did you want to tell me?” he asked.

Noah started to say something, but Mokuba interrupted. “We were going to say that we want you to come and see what’s in Hot Topic with us. Come on, Big Brother!”

Mokuba dragged both Kaiba and Noah off in the direction of Hot Topic. In the restaurant, Kyra was still yapping away.

Keith inwardly sighed with relief after seeing the brothers leave. “That was close,” he thought.

That night, Kaiba stared out of his window at the moon. He was getting ready for his date with Keith. They were going to go to the park and look at the stars. Kaiba loved to find each constellation and explain all about it because….well, because he’s smart like that. Keith didn’t seem to mind Kaiba talking. Keith always just responded by saying, “That’s my smart Kaiba.”

‘He came to town like a midwinter storm. He rode through the fields, so handsome and strong. His eyes were his tools and his smile was his gun, But all he had come for was having some fun.’ (author's note: Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex)

Kaiba and Keith walked through the dark streets holding hands. Kaiba looked up at Keith, his blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight.

They sat in the park in silence, looking at the stars. Kaiba was sitting about a foot away from Keith, looking at the stars, trying to see if he could find any constellations.

Keith looked over at the boy. “Kaiba’s sitting awfully far away,” he thought. He moved in closer to Kaiba. Kaiba’s pale face seemed to glow in the moonlight.

Kaiba blushed as he noticed Keith move closer. Kaiba wasn’t sure he liked Keith getting that close.

Then, Keith slid his arm around Kaiba’s waist. Kaiba turned an even deeper shade of red upon feeling Keith’s arm around his waist.

Kaiba suddenly realized that he actually liked Keith being that close to him.

Suddenly, they heard voices coming from somewhere in the park.

“I wonder what Keith’s up to without us?” They recognized this voice as Bonz, one of the members of Keith’s gang.

“Yeah. It’s been bloody borin’ without `im.” They recognized this voice as Sid, another member of Keith’s gang.

“Fuck! It’s my old gang! They’re not too fond of the idea of us going out together, so we gotta get outta here!” Keith whispered to Kaiba.

Kaiba hesitantly escaped with Keith. They ran through a couple of alleys, jumped over a fence, and finally ended up at Keith’s house. They were the only ones there.

“So what’ll we do now?” Kaiba asked.

“I have an idea.” Keith took out a condom.

Kaiba gasped.

“We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, though. We could do something else,” Keith continued. “But, if you don’t do it, you’ll really be missing out….”

Kaiba was quiet for a moment. He loved Keith, but he wasn’t sure he was ready for it. However, even though his brain was saying “No,” his body was saying “Go.” He took one look at Keith’s muscular, rock-hard body and began to feel like a cat in heat. Soon, he was so overwhelmed by his emotions that he couldn’t think straight.

“I…..I think I want to do it,” Kaiba said.

Keith closed the door and put the condom on. That night, Kaiba gave up his virginity to Keith.

‘He brought disaster wherever he went. The hearts of the girls were to hell broken sent. They all ran away so nobody would know And left only men ‘cause of Cotton-Eye Joe.’ (author's note: Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex)

By the time they were done, they were on the floor. Keith took off the condom. “Uh-oh.”

“What does that mean?” Kaiba asked, starting to get worried.

“The condom broke.”

Kaiba’s eyes widened in horror.

“Don’t worry. I don’t have any STDs, so neither do you,” Keith said, kissing Kaiba’s forehead. Then he picked Kaiba up and set him down on the bed.

“Now you have to promise me that this’ll be our little secret, okay, Kaiba?” Keith said.

“Why?” Kaiba asked.

“Because someone might spy on you telling your friends and it could leak out to the press. I know you think the press doesn’t care, but it’s better to be safe than sorry,” Keith said, stroking Kaiba’s hair.

“Oh.” Kaiba understood. “Can I at least tell my brothers?”

“Yes, but only them.”

Kaiba looked away. He hated having to keep their relationship a secret. He was suspicious that Keith might forget about him after this incident. What if Keith was planning to dump him? Is that why Keith made him keep it a secret? Could Keith be seeing another person? “That’s impossible,” Kaiba thought. “If he was cheating on me, I would have caught him by now. I would have picked up on some kind of clue that he accidentally let slip out, such as calling out someone else’s name. He couldn’t be cheating.”

‘We’ll fast-forward to a few years later. And no one knows except the both of us. And I have honored your request for silence. And you have washed your hands clean of this.’ (author's note: Hands Clean - Alanis Morissette)

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: A McDonalds date is not for a classy bitch like Seto Kaiba. Take him to the Waffle House.

You Got Played: Seto's Love Life Tears the Kaiba Brothers Apart (Part Two of Five)

A wise man once said, "You know what this story needs? A love triangle!"

Part one is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg fakeout scene (bonus "even pregnancy of the male variety does not work that way" content); vomit mention; Bandit Keith being a prick; everybody is kind of an idiot; Kaiba and Yugi dueling in bed without cards to “Cotton Eye Joe”; author’s notes to give track listings; condom mention; cheating; terrible OC; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; old people bingo hall fight; Blue Eyes White Dragon underwear as a plot point

-O-o-O-o-O-

When Kaiba got home, he had nothing else to do. Doing the nasty with Keith had taken a lot out of him, so his first stop was the refrigerator.

Mokuba entered the room as Kaiba was making a sandwich out of cheese whiz, mayonnaise, pickles and, oddly enough, chocolate.

“Seto, what’s with the weird food?” Mokuba asked.

“I was just really hungry,” Kaiba answered.

“You’re never really hungry.”

“Doing it with Keith must have taken a lot out of me.”

“WHAAT?!”

“Did I say that out loud?”

“You DID IT WITH KEITH?! HOLY HELL!”

“It’s not that big of a deal, Mokuba.”

“Yes, it is! Noah’s gonna be pissed off!”

“No, he’s not, because you’re not going to tell him.”

“But-”

“Please, Mokuba? I don’t want Noah getting mad at Keith and trying to beat him down.” Kaiba attempted to use “puppy eyes” on Mokuba.

It actually worked. “All right! I won’t tell him.”

“Thank you.”

After Kaiba finished his sandwich (and a whole bunch of other food), he went to bed.

The next morning, Kaiba ended up paying for overeating by having to run back and forth to the bathroom to either puke or defecate. This started at about five o’ clock in the morning. Later in the morning, Kaiba was perfectly fine.

He reflected on what happened the night before. He knew Mokuba would keep his secret for him. He also knew that he couldn’t tell Noah, at least not right that moment.

“I can’t tell Noah right now. It would worry him too much. Plus, he might try to beat up Keith, thinking that Keith raped me. I don’t want to start any drama.”

Later that day, Keith and Kaiba were actually going out in the daytime for once. They were sitting in a hidden spot in the park.

Keith was looking around, nervously, knowing that Kyra could come walking by at any minute.

Kaiba was leaning his head on Keith’s shoulder. Normally, Kaiba didn’t do this, but Keith made him so happy that he kissed Keith on the cheek. Keith put his arm around Kaiba’s waist. Keith noticed how slender and delicate Kaiba was compared to himself.

A few minutes later, Kaiba left, saying he had to go to the bathroom, but he’d be back.

While Kaiba was in the bathroom, Kyra had stopped to talk to Keith. Noah and Mokuba had gone to the park and were walking by them.

“The weather’s really good today,” Noah was saying, until Mokuba stopped dead in his tracks.

“What’s wrong?” Noah asked.

“Look,” Mokuba said.

Keith and Kyra were making out, and they were in a very interesting position, with Kyra wrapping her legs around Keith….

“Holy crap….” was all Noah could say. “Isn’t he on a date with Seto right now?”

“Yeah, but we can’t tell Seto,” Mokuba said.

“Why the hell not?! He has the right to know that his boyfriend’s a player,” Noah said.

“But Seto’s so happy! Why should we ruin it? What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him, right?” Mokuba retorted.

“Listen, Mokuba, I want Seto to be happy just as much as you do, but he deserves to know the truth about Keith,” Noah said. “I just hope he hasn’t gone and done something stupid, like having sex with Keith.”

Mokuba stared over at Noah out of the corner of his eye. “That ship has already sailed,” he thought.

By the time Kaiba was finished in the bathroom, Kyra had left. Keith was still waiting on the bench. Kaiba sat down next to Keith. They moved in closer to each other and began to kiss. It was at this moment that Keith realized how different Kaiba’s and Kyra’s kissing was. Kyra always kissed him for a really long time and she used her tongue. Her kisses were long, steamy, and passionate. Kaiba’s kisses, on the other hand, were usually short and he never used his tongue.

“Oh, Ky, your kisses are so hot,” Keith muttered.

Kaiba stopped kissing Keith and looked directly up at him. “Did you just call me ‘Kai?’”

“Oh, shit, I just said that out loud,” Keith thought. “Uh….yeah.”

“Keith, that’s cute, but I’m not sure if I like pet names,” Kaiba said.

“Okay, then, I won’t call you ‘Kai’ if you don’t like it.” Then Keith remembered something. “I just remembered, I have to do some stuff tonight, so I won’t be able to see you.”

“It’s okay,” Kaiba said. “I should probably stay in and catch up on my sleep, anyway.”

So Keith walked Kaiba home.

-O-o-O-

When Kaiba went into the mansion, he heard the sounds of Mokuba and Noah having an argument of sorts.

“We have to tell him, Mokuba! He needs to hear the truth!” Noah was saying.

“But it would make him really mad! We can’t tell Seto that!” Mokuba protested.

Kaiba walked into the room. “What can’t you tell me?!”

“Seto, today we saw Keith making out with a girl in the park and we saw her and Keith on a date in the mall yesterday,” Noah said.

Mokuba covered his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see his brother fly into a rage at the news. When he heard nothing, he looked up. Kaiba wasn’t raging. He was just standing there, looking shocked, somewhat angry, and a little hurt.

“Why would you say something like that about Keith?” Kaiba asked in a dangerously calm, quiet voice.

“Because it’s true,” Noah answered.

“No, you’d say something like that because you don’t like him. Why don’t you just grow up and let me go out with whoever I want and STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS?!” Kaiba’s voice got increasingly louder until he was shrieking.

“Seto! Keith is cheating on you! Hasn’t he ever slipped up and called you by the wrong name, or something?”

“No, he hasn’t! If he was lying to me, I’d be able to tell, Noah!”

“You can’t tell when someone’s lying all the time, Seto! He’s going out with another girl! He’s playing you like X-box!”

“YOU LIE!” Kaiba screamed, running to his room.

“Seto!” Mokuba ran after him, but not before he gave Noah a look that said, “I told you so.”

In his room, Kaiba was pacing around his bed, feeling extremely pissed off.

“How could he?! How could Noah even think of accusing Keith of cheating?!” Kaiba thought angrily.

Mokuba entered Kaiba’s room.

“Seto?” he started.

“Can you believe him, Mokuba? He has the nerve to tell me all that bull about Keith cheating on me. Does he think I’m a moron? Did he really expect me to believe that?”

“Well, I don’t know….”

“You don’t believe him, do you?” Kaiba asked, surprised at the possibility that Mokuba could believe Noah.

“Not really,” Mokuba answered. “Listen, Seto, maybe you should just calm down. I’m sure Noah didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he didn’t,” Kaiba said, lying down.

-O-o-O-

Lately, that week, Kaiba noticed that Keith had been ignoring him. For the past five or six days, Keith had not seen Kaiba. They hadn’t gone out together or seen each other on the streets. Keith had not even called Kaiba.

“Could Noah be right about him?” Kaiba thought. “No! That’s preposterous! Why would Keith want to cheat? I can’t believe I even thought for a second that Noah was right.”

Later that afternoon, Mokuba walked into Kaiba’s room to see what he was doing. Kaiba had taped a poorly-drawn crayon picture of Noah to the wall and was currently blowing spit balls at it. There was a huge target drawn over Noah’s crotch.

“Seto, what are you doing?” Mokuba asked.

“I’m getting out all my anger without actually harming Noah,” Kaiba answered. He put another piece of paper in his mouth, stuck it in the straw and blew it out. It landed right on the target.

“Have you two even talked to each other?” Mokuba asked. Kaiba didn’t answer because he was too busy doing a victory dance that involved him trying to do the Harlem Shake, but failing horribly.

“Now what are you doing?” Mokuba asked, trying not to laugh at Kaiba’s horrible dancing.

“I’m doing my victory dance. I hit the target.”

Kaiba stopped dancing, put on his boots, and headed for the door.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m bored. I’m going for a walk,” Kaiba said, going out the door.

-O-o-O-

Yugi was bored.

He was walking down the street, just looking for something to do. It was his grandad’s bingo night and his cousin, Yami, had gone with him because he likes games. Yugi had chosen to do something else.

“It’s times like these that make me wish I had a girlfriend,” Yugi thought jokingly.

Kaiba just happened to be walking down the same street at the same time. He was starting to calm down over his altercation with Noah. Now he was just bored and wanting something to do.

Kaiba and Yugi ran into each other—literally. Yugi was walking past and he didn’t see Kaiba because it was dark and Kaiba was wearing black. Kaiba was walking and staring straight ahead, so he didn’t see Yugi because he didn’t look down. Yugi accidentally put his foot out too far to the left; Kaiba tripped on it and ended up on the ground.

“OW!” Kaiba yelled.

“Oh, crap! Kaiba, I’m sorry, let me help you up,” Yugi said, going over to Kaiba.

“Yugi, it’s okay. I can get up on my own. I guess I shouldn’t have worn black at night, huh?” Kaiba said, getting to his feet.

“No, I should’ve been watching where I was going,” Yugi said.

They both walked together for a while.

“So…do you wanna come back to the game shop and duel with me?” Yugi asked.

“Sure,” Kaiba answered.

Kaiba and Yugi made their way to the game shop. They weren’t exactly in the shop, because they were in Yugi’s room. They had decided to duel the old-fashioned way, without an arena or duel disks (Kaiba hadn’t brought his anyway).

Kaiba ended up losing to Yugi. Fortunately, he didn’t go all psycho over it.

“I always lose to you,” Kaiba said, shuffling his deck. He looked a little annoyed.

“Losing isn’t that bad,” Yugi said, trying to cheer Kaiba up.

Yugi’s large lavender eyes met Kaiba’s blue ones. Their faces got closer and closer, until……

Yugi and Kaiba began to kiss.

After a few seconds, Kaiba pulled away, saying, “No…I can’t do this….Keith wouldn’t like it.”

Yugi stopped. “How is your relationship with Keith, anyway?”

Kaiba looked somewhat upset, so Yugi started to regret asking the question. “He’s been ignoring me for some reason…I don’t know why. I think he’s losing interest in me,” Kaiba muttered.

“That’s awful! I knew Keith was low-down, but that’s just not right,” Yugi said, angrily.

Kaiba was surprised. He didn’t think Yugi cared that much about their relationship.

“If Keith is thinking about breaking up with you, he’s a loser. He doesn’t deserve you,” Yugi said.

“Thanks,” Kaiba said. “You know, Yugi, Keith doesn’t have to know about us kissing. So, if you want to continue, it’s okay with me.”

Yugi’s face brightened and his eyes gleamed mischievously. “I’d like to continue…I’d really like to continue.”

One thing led to another, and pretty soon, their clothes were off, and……unlock the power of your imagination to guess what happened next.

‘If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I’d-a been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?’ (author's note: Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex)

When they were done….doing their thing, Yugi noticed that the protective device that he was using had burst. “Uh, Kaiba, our ‘protection’ broke.”

Kaiba sighed. “What else is new?”

“So, was this your first time?” Yugi asked.

Kaiba hesitated to answer. He didn’t know if he should tell Yugi about what he did with Keith.

From Kaiba’s silence, Yugi could tell what Kaiba was thinking. “It was Keith, wasn’t it? He was the one who took your virginity, wasn’t he?” Yugi asked.

“I swore I’d never tell you this, but yes. He was,” Kaiba answered.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about it. It just really makes me mad how he did that to you, and now he’s ignoring you,” Yugi said, stroking Kaiba’s hair. “He shouldn’t be ignoring you, he should be treating you with the respect you deserve.”

“I don’t feel like I deserve much respect now. I feel like a cheap whore,” Kaiba said, quietly.

“Well, you’re the farthest thing from a whore,” Yugi told him.

Suddenly, they heard footsteps on the stairs, then somebody saying, “I’m home!”

It was Yami.

“What’s Yami doing home so early?! I thought he was playing bingo with Grandpa and all those old people!” Yugi exclaimed.

The two boys scrambled to hide Kaiba’s clothes. Kaiba hid in Yugi’s bed and Yugi sat down in front of him, pulling his clothes on. Yugi was finally dressed, just as Yami walked into the room.

“I thought you were playing bingo with Grandpa,” Yugi said.

“I was, but these two old people got into a fight because they both had bingo and only one person could win. One of them threw his walker at the other, and the other one tried to run over him with his wheelchair. Then everyone started throwing their canes and cards at each other. It got sort of crazy, so Grandpa sent me home,” Yami explained. “Hey, whose deck is this?” He had spotted a dueling deck on the desk. He picked it up and looked at it.

“This looks an awful lot like-no, correction, it is Kaiba’s deck! Was Kaiba here?” Yami asked.

“Well, you could say that,” Yugi said, stalling.

“I have to sneeze,” Kaiba thought.

“What does that mean?” Yami asked.

“Ah-choo!” Kaiba sneezed.

Even though it wasn’t a big sneeze and it was muffled by the bedcovers, it was big enough to be heard by Yami. He rushed over to the bed.

“All right! Whoever’s under there, come out!” Yami said, afraid it might be a robber who snuck into Yugi’s room.

Kaiba hesitantly poked his head out from under the covers.

“Kaiba?!” Yami was shocked.

“Hello, Yami,” Kaiba said sheepishly.

Yami was about to pull the covers off Kaiba to help him out (Kaiba was practically buried in covers), but Kaiba said, “Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’m kinda…..not wearing any clothes..”

“Oh, crap, I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay, Yami. Could you please hand me my clothes?”

Yami handed Kaiba the pile of his clothes. Kaiba put his shirt and socks on, but he realized that there was something missing.

“Have you seen my underwear?” Kaiba asked.

“What do they look like?” Yami asked.

“They’re white boxers with Blue Eyes White Dragons on them.”

Yami and Yugi started to search for the underwear, but they couldn’t find it. They heard the door close downstairs.

“It’s Grandpa,” Yami said.

They started to speed-search, but Yugi’s and Yami’s room was always a mess, so they had no luck.

Mr. Moto’s footsteps were getting closer and closer.

Kaiba pulled his pants on, sans underwear, and grabbed his deck.

“I have to go,” Kaiba said. “You’ll get in trouble if your grandfather finds me up here like this.”

“But what about your underwear?” Yugi asked. “You need it.”

“I’ll manage without it. I’ll help you look later,” Kaiba said, putting his deck in his pocket.

“That’s okay, we’ll give it to you when we find it,” Yami said.

With a slight wave, Kaiba climbed out the window and went home.

Yugi and Yami watched Kaiba’s retreating figure.

“Can you imagine the chafing? We’d better find that underwear,” Yami said.

Yugi was lost in thought, daydreaming about a boxer-less Kaiba.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Clearly, the sexiest song in the world is Rednex's "Cotton Eye Joe."

You Got Played: Kaiba Gets Cheated On While I Play Unfitting Music (Part Three of Five)

It is becoming apparent that the concept of a songfic (a fic that includes song lyrics that actually make sense with the plot) was lost on teen!me.

Part one is here. Part two is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg for real this time (bonus “even pregnancy of the male variety does not work that way” content); vomit mention; Bandit Keith being a prick; everybody is kind of an idiot; author’s notes to give track listings; abortion mention; anti-abortion protesting and abortion being outlawed mention; cheating; terrible OC; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; Yami/Atem is corporeal for some reason; Blue Eyes White Dragon underwear as a plot point

-O-o-O-o-O-

The next morning, Noah was thinking (or obsessing) over the argument he had with Kaiba.

“Maybe Seto’s right. Maybe I only think Keith’s cheating because I don’t like him. Maybe I just like butting in too much,” he thought. “No! That’s wrong! I saw Keith cheating with my own two eyes-twice! Maybe this is one of these things that he needs to find out on his own.”

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Kaiba was puking his guts out. He had no idea why he was doing it, but he knew it was worse than it had been the morning after he did it with Keith.

Mokuba walked in. “Seto! Are you okay?” he asked, worried.

“I’m fine, Mokuba, I’m probably just coming down with something,” Kaiba answered. “I must’ve caught it from Yugi’s room. I think Yami had the flu last week.”

“What were you doing in Yugi’s room?” Mokuba asked.

“We….we were….um…..we were kinda, sorta, maybe doing it,” Kaiba answered. “But don’t tell Noah.”

There was a period of silence.

“Maybe you’re pregnant,” Mokuba said jokingly, trying to get Kaiba to relax.

Unbeknownst to Mokuba, Kaiba took his joke seriously. Kaiba grabbed his trenchcoat, ran to the drugstore, and bought a pregnancy test. When he got home, he went back into the bathroom and, following the instructions in the box, peed on the white oval on the little plastic stick. After about a minute, he looked at the oval. There was a blue plus sign on the oval.

Kaiba’s grip on the test tightened until the plastic stick snapped in his hands.

-O-o-O-

“That test is wrong. There is no way I could be pregnant,” Kaiba thought angrily. He washed his hands vigorously, then dumped the test in the garbage can. “But….it wouldn’t hurt to go to the doctor and see if the test could be right.”

Kaiba went to the doctor’s office (he had made an appointment earlier), where the test was proved right.

“It has to be Keith’s. But I can’t tell him. He’ll probably dump me even faster. And I definitely can’t tell my brothers. I don’t want to worry Mokuba and Noah would go ballistic,” Kaiba thought.

Meanwhile, at the Muto residence, Mr. Muto was taking the laundry out of the dryer when he found an odd piece of underwear. It was a pair of white boxers with Blue Eyes White Dragons on it.

“What’s this? I’ve never seen this underwear before,” he thought. He decided to go ask Yami and Yugi about it.

“Yugi? Yami? Is this your underwear?” Mr. Muto asked, giving them the underwear.

“Um….yeah, it’s my underwear,” Yami answered.

“Really? It looks a little big for you.”

“Yeah! That’s why….uh, that’s why I’m….I’m gonna take it back to the store for a refund! Yeah, that’s what I’ll do!” Yami said, trying so hard not to sound fake.

“I’ll take it back for you, Yami!” Yugi said. “Because I know where you got it!” Yugi sounded extremely fake.

“Thanks!” Yami said.

“I’ll just take this back to the store and not to Kaiba’s house because it’s not his underwear!” Yugi said.

“What was that last part you said?” Mr. Muto asked.

“I said…..maybe I’ll find another pair! Yeah, that’s what I said!” Yugi said.

“Okay,” Mr. Muto said, then he left.

“That was close,” Yugi and Yami thought.

-O-o-O-

Yugi set off, underwear in his pocket, to find Kaiba. He decided to go to Kaiba’s house first.

Kaiba was pacing the floor, wringing his hands, and worrying about his relationship with Keith when he heard the doorbell ring. He went to go answer it since Mokuba and Noah were doing something else.

Yugi was standing outside. “This is a really big mansion,” he thought. “I bet Kaiba has a really big bedroom….and a huge bed……Wait, what am I thinking?! Why did I just think that?! Okay, stay calm, think normal thoughts…This underwear looks a little stretched out in the butt…..Kaiba’s got some junk in his trunk…What the hell?!”

At that moment, the door swung open and Kaiba came out.

“Hey, Yugi,” he said.

“Hi, Kaiba,” Yugi said. “I brought you these.” He held the underwear out to Kaiba.

“Thank you,” Kaiba said, taking the underwear.

Yugi started to stare straight ahead—at Kaiba’s crotch. “I wonder if he’s wearing any underwear now,” Yugi thought.

“Um..Yugi? I’m up here.” Kaiba was looking down at Yugi with a concerned expression on his face.

“What?” Yugi looked up. “Oh, sorry.”

“So, would you like to come in?” Kaiba said, stepping back to let Yugi in.

“No, thanks. I should probably get going,” Yugi politely declined.

“Are you sure?” Kaiba really wanted Yugi to stay. He liked being with Yugi.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay.”

“Bye, Kaiba.”

“Good bye, Yugi.”

Kaiba watched Yugi’s short, retreating figure.

“Yugi’s so sweet…I love him…..What the—I love him?! But that’s not right…I’m having Keith’s child…How can I love Yugi that way?”

For the first time in his life, Kaiba was utterly confused.

Yugi walked home with his hands in his pockets.

“Kaiba’s changed a lot since Battle City,” Yugi thought. “He seems a lot nicer…and hotter…Why am I suddenly wishing that he’d break up with Keith?”

‘I used to pride myself on being the other man, But now it’s flipped and I don’t want you with no other man.’ “I guess we’re only meant to be friends, or dueling rivals…” ‘Why can’t you understand anything I’m offering? I gave you the world but you just wanted arguing.’

“I still wish he’d come over to the game shop more often.”

‘Won’t you come on and go with me? Come on over to my place. Won’t you sit yourself down and take a seat? Let me ease your mind. We’re gonna do it our way.’ (author’s note: My Place - Nelly)

-O-o-O-

The next day, Kaiba sat on the subway with his brothers.

“How am I going to tell Keith about his child? He might not like the idea of becoming a father so young. And because the anti-abortion groups protested, I can’t get an abortion. I could never bring myself to abort a child, anyway…I’m afraid to tell him, but I can’t wait till it’s too late,” Kaiba thought.

‘Sitting on a crowded train, It’s all good, it’s all good, it’s all good. Wishing all the time away, Til that day, that day!’

“On the other hand, he might be okay with all of this. I wish I knew what he was thinking.”

‘Oh, Seto, hold on. Just hold on, and on, and on, and on. Oh, Seto, be strong. Just hold on, and on, and on, and on.’ (author’s note: Jesse Hold On - B*Witched)

The train reached the stop. The Kaiba brothers got off and ascended out of the subway station and walked to the mall.

They were walking around the mall. Mokuba and Noah were trying to pick up girls and Kaiba was just along for the ride. He was also hoping that he would see Yugi there.

The brothers were sitting on a bench in an obscure part of the mall, when they suddenly heard someone yell, “Bandit Keith, what’re ya doin’?!”

Kaiba recognized the someone as Joey, but he didn’t think much of it because Joey was always running around, talking at the top of his voice. But then he heard Yugi ask, “Bandit Keith, who’s this girl?”

Kaiba snapped to attention. He began to walk closer to get a closer look. Mokuba and Noah followed him.

He saw Joey and Yugi looking at Keith and some other girl. Joey and Yugi looked shocked and horrified. Keith looked like he was thinking, “Shit, I’ve been caught.” The girl had a “what-the-hell-is-going-on” type of expression on her face.

“Um.. This is my girlfriend,” Keith said, stupidly.

“But I thought you were wit’ Kaiba,” Joey said. Then it hit him. “Wait a minute…..You’re cheatin’ on `im!”

“Bandit Keith! How could you cheat on Kaiba?!” Yugi yelled. Keith was staring at something—or someone—behind Yugi. “Hey! Look at me when I’m talking to you!” Yugi shouted.

“Uh, Yuge? I think he’s starin’ at Kaiba,” Joey said.

Yugi turned around and saw Kaiba standing there. “Oh, no…..”

Kaiba stared in disbelief. “He’s got a girlfriend,” he thought, “and she’s beautiful….”

Kaiba had an expression of mostly anger and disgust on his face. But Yugi could also see, in Kaiba’s eyes, that Kaiba was heartbroken.

Kaiba ran off to the bathroom silently.

“Kaiba, wait!” Yugi called.

But Kaiba didn’t even look back.

-O-o-o-

“He has a girlfriend,” Kaiba thought angrily. “I’ve been such an idiot. How could he possibly want to be with someone like me, when he could be with that sexy girl? How could I let myself get tricked like that?”

Kaiba walked out of the stall he had been sitting in and splashed some water on his face. Then he exited the bathroom.

Noah and Mokuba were waiting outside the bathroom.

“Let’s go home,” Mokuba said.

So they went home, since they were tired of the mall, anyway.

Meanwhile, at the mall, Yugi and Joey were still chewing Keith out for cheating. Kyra had gone into a cosmetic store and, being the ditz she is, she didn’t remember what had happened not but five seconds ago.

“You low-down, piece o’ trash cheata! Dis is da lowest thing a guy like you could do! I don’t even like da guy, but how could ya cheat on Kaiba like `dat?!”

As you can probably guess, Joey was doing most of the talking while Yugi seethed silently.

“Listen, dorks! Why don’t you just butt out and mind your own goddamn business?!” Keith yelled as he walked off.

“Man, what an asshole!” Joey exclaimed. Then he looked down at Yugi, who was staring into space. “Yuge, you okay?”

“I hate Bandit Keith.”

Joey was shocked. He had never heard Yugi talking about hating anybody-except this substitute teacher they had once, but she was a bi-otch, so everyone hated her.

“But, Yuge, you don’t hate anybody.”

“Except Bandit Keith. I wish he’d go to hell.”

Joey got scared. “You’re freakin’ me out, Yuge.”

Yugi sighed. “I’m sorry, Joey. I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s just that I hate what Bandit Keith did to Kaiba. He shouldn’t be able to get away with it.”

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Even if you are male, you will not know if you are pregnant the day after you had sex.

You Got Played: This Wouldn't Have Happened if They'd Brought Their Duel Disks (Part Four of Five)

All the drama in this fic and not one card game. Did teen!me even understand this show?

Part one is here. Part two is here. Part three is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg; Bandit Keith being a prick; all the characters are kind of idiots; author’s notes to give track listings; cheating; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; Yami/Atem is corporeal for some reason; Yugi and friends go all Office Space fax machine on Bandit Keith; the 2004 is strong with this one

-O-o-O-o-O-

The next day, Mokuba noticed that Kaiba didn’t seem to be “completely there.” It was as if Kaiba was under a trance of sorts. He barely spoke, slept or ate.

And he didn’t smile. Not even a trace of a smirk could be seen on his face.

Noah hadn’t noticed because he was out, trying to get rid of his anger toward Keith.

Mokuba entered Kaiba’s room. “Seto, what’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself lately.”

“Nothing. I’m fine,” Kaiba said, coldly.

“Seto, I know something’s wrong and it has to do with Bandit Keith. I’m gonna find out sooner or later, so you might as well just tell me now.”

Kaiba sighed. “Noah was right. I couldn’t tell that Keith was cheating on me. But now I see how he did it. We only went out during the night, so he could cheat in the daytime. When we did go out, we went to places where there weren’t a lot of people, so no one would see him cheating. He also made me keep it a secret so no one would know and be able to tell his girlfriend.”

“So, when are you gonna break up with him?” Mokuba asked.

“That’s the problem. I can’t,” Kaiba answered.

“Why not?”

“I can’t.”

“Why can’t you?”

“I just can’t, Mokuba!”

“You have to dump him because he cheated on you, Seto! Why won’t you tell me why you can’t?!”

“I can’t because I’m pregnant with his child, Mokuba! I can’t dump him while I’m having his child!” To Mokuba’s surprise, Kaiba’s eyes started to tear up.

“Seto….You never cry,” Mokuba said, shocked, while Kaiba wiped his nose.

“Who says I’m crying?” Kaiba punched the wall and began wiping his eyes.

Mokuba started to hug Kaiba as Kaiba continued to cry. “Don’t worry, Big Brother. Everything’ll be all right, somehow.”

Meanwhile, Noah was taking a walk. He was still fuming about Keith’s actions.

“How could he do that to Seto?! He was the perfect boyfriend towards Keith. How could he hurt my little brother like that?!” Noah thought angrily.

It just so happened that Yugi, Joey, Yami, and Tristan were walking down the same street as Noah. Yugi and Joey had told Yami and Tristan about what Keith had done to Kaiba and they were just as pissed.

Noah met up with the four other boys.

“Keith is a sorry-assed cheater,” Yami declared.

“Yeah. He’s the lowest of the low for playing with Kaiba like that,” Tristan added.

“We should make him pay,” Yugi said in a low, ominous voice.

“Y’know, Yuge, you don’t sound so freaky sayin’ dat anymore,” Joey commented.

As they were walking down the street, Keith came along and practically pushed them all down, saying, “Outta my way, bitches!”

“Hey! You can’t just go around, knockin’ guys ova like dat!” Joey yelled. “And we’re not finished cussin’ you out ova Kaiba!”

Joey, Yami, Tristan, and Noah dragged Keith into a deserted alley while Yugi followed them slowly and eerily, like a stalker following his victim.

“I already said stay the fuck out my business! It’s none of your business whether I cheat on Kaiba or not!” Keith shouted.

“Actually, it became our business when Yugi and Joey told us how they caught you making out with that girl,” Yami said.

“It became my business when you decided to toy with my little brother’s heart!” Noah yelled.

Keith stepped into Yugi’s space. “What about you, little Yugi? When did this become your business?” he taunted.

“The minute you laid your disgusting hands on Kaiba.” Yugi’s voice was eerily calm.

“What does my touching Kaiba have anything to do with you? He was nothing but a whore to me. He was just someone to do when I got bored with Kyra,” Keith sneered.

Yugi was enraged.

“You hurt Kaiba. Now you must pay,” Yugi said.

Yugi, Yami, Noah, Joey, and Tristan descended upon Keith the way a flock of vultures descends upon a carcass and began to beat him like a rented mule. Both Joey and Tristan tackled Keith to the ground. As he tried to get up, Noah kicked him in the shins and knocked him down again. Both Joey and Tristan began to smack and backhand Keith upside his face. Noah started to punch Keith in one of his arms. Keith was now on all fours. Yami began to kick Keith’s butt—literally and repeatedly. Yugi began to kick Keith in his thighs, screaming.

“Seto Kaiba is NOT YOUR WHORE!! HE IS A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS AND YOU HURT THEM! I HATE YOUR STUPID ASS!! I HOPE YOU GO TO HELL!!” Yugi screamed, beginning to punch Keith in his other arm.

Kaiba had decided that he should take a walk to clear his mind. He was walking through the streets of Domino when he heard Keith shouting and Yugi screaming, along with the others.

He stealthily dashed into the alley, following the screaming. At the sight of the five boys beating Keith down, his blue eyes grew wide with horror.

The five boys (and Keith) stopped carrying on and looked up at Kaiba in pure shock. They didn’t expect him to come and find them like this.

Kaiba looked as if he was about to shout, but they couldn’t get a closer look because as swiftly and as quietly as a young deer, Kaiba ran out of there.

“Kaiba, wait! We’re sorry!” Yugi tried to call, but Kaiba only kept running, his long, white trenchcoat flowing behind him.

The other four boys only looked at each other, then continued to beat Keith down.

“WAIT!” Yugi cried out.

The boys looked up.

“This isn’t right! We shouldn’t be hurting Keith,” Yugi said.

“But, Yuge, he hurt Kaiba. We hafta get him back,” Joey said.

“And I have to avenge Seto,” Noah said.

“But two wrongs don’t make a right; we need to help Kaiba through this, but not stand here and fight,” Yugi said.

“That sounds vaguely like Dr. Seuss,” Yami commented.

“Guys, did you see the look on Kaiba’s face? We only upset him even more by doing this.”

They all looked at each other, reluctant to agree. But soon, they realized that Yugi was right.

“All right, Bandit Keith. You can go now. But if I ever see you lay your filthy hands on Seto again, we’re just gonna end up here again,” Noah warned.

Keith walked (or limped) out of there.

Meanwhile, Yugi had run off to catch up with Kaiba.

“If I had known this was wrong earlier, I wouldn’t have encouraged it,” Yugi thought. “Now all I wanna do is tell Kaiba how sorry I am.”

‘It’s like I missed a shot, It’s like I dropped the ball. Damn, I’m sorry. It’s like I’m on stage, And I forgot the words. Damn, I’m sorry.’

Yugi could see Kaiba’s tall, white-clad figure walking toward the rich neighborhood that he lived in.

‘But I’d apologize a million times before, I’d apologize a million more. So here it comes again, For all the wrong I’ve done. So get ready, babe, Here’s one million one.’ (author's note: Sorry 2004 - Ruben Studdard)

“Kaiba, wait up!” Yugi called.

Kaiba slowed down, but he didn’t stop.

“Kaiba,” Yugi said, catching up, “I really need to talk to you.”

“I can’t talk right now, Yugi.” Kaiba continued to walk.

“But, Kaiba, I need to talk to you about what I did.”

“I saw what you did.”

“Kaiba, I wanted to say that I’m sorry for it. I got mad about what Bandit Keith did to you. I let my anger control me and…and that’s it.”

“I can’t talk about it right now, Yugi. I have to go home.” Kaiba almost sounded tearful.

“But, Kaiba, Keith called you a whore!” Yugi didn’t even realize that he said this until it was too late. “Now I’ve done it,” he thought.

At this point, Kaiba could no longer stand it. He broke into a run. Yugi couldn’t catch up to him.

“Kaiba!” Yugi called, but to no avail. “Great, just great. Now I’ve done it.”

At the mansion, Mokuba was sitting around, doing nothing until he heard the door slam. He went into the foyer, just in time to see Kaiba stomp up the stairs.

“Damn…what happened to him?” Mokuba thought.

In his room, Kaiba sat, feeling confused and angry.

“Why would Keith say such a thing? I don’t go around sleeping with everyone…I hate this whole situation..I wish I had never seen Keith cheating..”

‘I don’t wanna know. If you’re playing me, keep it on the low. `Cause my heart can’t take it any mo’. And if you’re playing games, please don’t let it show. Oh, baby, I don’t wanna know….’ (author's note: I Don't Wanna Know - Mario Winans feat. Enya and P. Diddy (wow what terrible timing))

-O-o-O-

The next day, Kaiba woke up with a new goal: Get Keith back.

“I’m not going to take this lying down. I’m going to get my man back,” Kaiba said as he put on his trenchcoat. Noah was standing just outside his door and he heard Kaiba’s plan.

As Kaiba was walking past the door, Noah said, “You really shouldn’t, Seto.”

Kaiba turned around. “Nobody, not even you, can stop me, Noah.” Then he walked out the door.

He found Keith hanging out in a deserted alley. He snuck up on Keith and cornered him.

From the look in his eyes, Keith could tell that this was not the same Kaiba he had slept with and deflowered. “More Agreeable Kaiba” had reverted back to “Creepy, Cold-Ass Kaibitch” in the few minutes it took him to find Keith. He almost completely reverted back to the way he had been before he made friends with Yugi and company—cold, irritable, and just downright unpleasant.

“So, Keith, how’s your girlfriend? And when did you plan on telling me about her?” Kaiba said in a low, threatening voice. He had Keith pinned to the wall. Keith could feel Kaiba’s fingernails digging into his shoulders.

Keith tried to charm his way out of it. “You’re really feisty today. Did mean, nasty Yugi piss in your cornflakes?” Keith grabbed Kaiba’s ENORMOUS buttcheeks.

“GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY ASS!!” Kaiba hollered in Keith’s face. Keith grabbed Kaiba’s shoulders and flung him onto the ground.

Mokuba had followed Kaiba into the alley because Noah had sent him to make sure that Kaiba didn’t get hurt. He ran out from where he had been hiding and yelled, “Hey! You can’t handle Seto like that! He’s-”

“Stay out of this, Mokuba!” Kaiba interrupted. He got to his feet and turned back to Keith. “So why’d you lie to me, Keith?! Why’d you cheat on me after what I’ve done for you?! Do you know that I’m carrying your child?! I know you don’t because you’ve been ignoring me ever since we did it! How could you cheat on me after we had sex?!”

“Listen, Kaiba, it’s nothing personal, but Kyra’s a lot more experienced than you. She’s also a hell of a lot more satisfying,” Keith said.

“So, you’re just going to dump me because I used to be a virgin and because I’m no good in bed. You disgust me. I can’t believe I ever let you lay your filthy hands on me!” Kaiba shouted.

“Will you stop fucking shouting?! Your voice grates on my nerves like sandpaper!” Keith shouted.

Kaiba hauled off and slapped Keith across the face. “That’s for swearing in front of my little brother!” he shouted.

Then he slapped Keith again.

“And that was for getting me knocked up,” Kaiba said quietly. “Come on, let’s go, Mokuba.”

Mokuba followed Kaiba and his long white trenchcoat (and huge butt) out of the alley.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Instead of violence, solve all your problems with card games.

You Got Played: Bandit Keith Howard Must Die Inside (Part Five of Five)

In which I turn a Yu-Gi-Oh fic into a cheesy teen movie (that most teens wouldn't even be allowed into without a fake ID).

Part one is here. Part two is here. Part three is here. Part four is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg (bonus “even pregnancy of the male variety does not work that way” content); Bandit Keith being a prick; all the characters are kind of idiots; author’s notes to give track listings; cheating; terrible OC; terrible OC slut-shames Kaiba; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; Yami/Atem is corporeal for some reason; artistic liberties taken with medical technology

-O-o-O-o-O-

Meanwhile, Kyra had her own plan.

Kyra didn’t care that Keith had sex with Kaiba; hell, she had cheated a few times, too. But for Kaiba to just steal Keith from her like that—that was completely unacceptable by her standards. She wasn’t going to let any trenchcoat-wearing, Blue Eyes White Dragon-loving freak steal her man.

So that afternoon, when she spotted Kaiba walking down the street, little brother in tow, she grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into an area surrounded by bushes and trees. Mokuba saw her grab Kaiba and followed them.

“What the hell?!” Kaiba exclaimed. As Kyra stopped dragging him, he tripped and ended up on the ground. Kyra looked down at him as if she was an arrogant princess and he was a lowly peasant.

‘No matter what you do, He’ll never wanna be with you. He’s into what he’s got (and that’s me), He loves me, He loves you not.’ (author's note: He Loves You Not - Dream)

Kaiba got up, brushed his clothes off, and glared at Kyra.

Kyra had heard Kaiba’s outburst about Keith cheating. She didn’t appreciate Kaiba’s attempt to get his man back.

“What is your problem?!” Kaiba shouted.

“I don’t appreciate you moving in on my man,” Kyra said, evilly, yet seductively.

“What?! He cheated on me with you!” Kaiba retorted.

Kyra shook her head. “Kaiba, you’re so wrong, you’re right. Don’t you realize that Keith never thought of you as a boyfriend? He looks at you as a whore.”

“Don’t call me a prostitute.” Kaiba’s voice got low and threatening, which would be pretty freaking scary if he snuck up on you in a dark alley. “I don’t go sleeping around with everyone and I didn’t get paid for what I did.”

“Well, I’m not gonna let a whore like you steal my boyfriend just because your damn condom popped!” Kyra shouted.

“Well, maybe you should because I had him first!” Kaiba retorted.

“That’s a heaping pile of bullshit! I had him first! I’ve had him for a whole month!” Kyra shouted.

Kaiba’s eyes went wide. Kyra sensed weakness and went in for the kill.

“So, how long have you been dating Keith, Kaiba?” Kyra asked.

Kaiba said nothing.

“Come on, Kaiba, tell me how long you two dated!” Kyra pressed, still smiling evilly.

“That is none of your business, Kyra,” Kaiba growled.

“Why don’t I go ask Keith myself? I’m sure he’ll be happy to tell me how long you two dated. Or should I ask Noah? And he’ll surely want to hear what you did with Keith after he tells me, won’t he?” Kyra taunted.

Kaiba turned red. “Do not test me, Kyra.”

“Then tell me how long you and Keith dated, damn it!”

“We dated for two weeks. Then he started to ignore me.”

“I knew it! I knew he couldn’t have been with you for that long! He only stayed with you long enough to get in your pants, which, since you’re such a whore, obviously wasn’t long!” Kyra laughed evilly.

“Hold up!” Mokuba walked into the clearing. “I don’t know much about this whole situation, but it seems like you two are getting mad at each other for no reason. I mean, you didn’t know that Seto was dating Keith. And Seto didn’t know that you were dating Keith. It seems to me that the real bad guy here is Bandit Keith. He played both of you like Nintendo 64.”

Kaiba and Kyra looked at each other, in silence, for a moment. Finally Kaiba spoke. “What do you propose we do about it, Mokuba?”

“I propose that you play him back.”

-O-o-O-

A few minutes later, Keith was walking through the park when he saw the most repulsive thing ever (in his opinion).

Kaiba and Kyra were French-kissing on a bench.

“What the fuck is this?!” Keith shouted when he saw them.

Kaiba and Kyra looked up at Keith, then turned back to each other and continued kissing.

“Don’t you turn away from me!” Keith pulled Kyra off of Kaiba. “What the fuck are you doing with my girlfriend, Kaiba?!”

“We’re kissing. Couldn’t you tell?” Kaiba deadpanned.

“Kaiba, there are a million other girls in Domino. Why’d you have to choose my girlfriend?!”

“He chose me because we’re both tired of getting played by you,” Kyra answered.

“What?!” Keith tried to play dumb.

“Don’t act like you don’t know, Bandit Keith. You made both of us believe that we were the only one you were dating. You just wanted to get in both of our pants and feel like you were some kind of sex king for it,” Kaiba said.

“But why are you complaining, Kaiba? You know you liked it,” Keith said, trying to grab Kaiba’s butt again. Kaiba not only pulled away violently, but kicked Keith off of himself. Keith grabbed Kaiba and, before Kaiba could do anything about it, he began to kiss Kaiba on the lips. Kaiba pulled away and spat on the ground.

“You taste like shit!” Kaiba shouted.

Keith only laughed at this. “I love it when you’re nasty, Kaiba. You’re so sexy when you’re mad.”

“Then I must be really sexy now, because you’re really pissing me off!” Mokuba had to hold Kaiba back before Kaiba could cause any bodily harm to Keith.

Then Kyra turned to Keith. “Y’know, you’re a real pig. First, you cheated on me. Then, you tricked Kaiba into sleeping with you and you treat him like a cheap whore. Then you plan to dump him when he’s having your kid. Pardon my French, but you’re an asswipe!” Kyra shouted.

“Well, you shouldn’t be complaining either. You’re a whole lot hotter than Kaiba, so I’ll always come back to you,” Keith said smugly.

“Not this time, Keith! You know that little thing between you and me that’s called a relationship? Yeah, about that: it’s over!” Kyra shouted.

Keith’s jaw dropped at least two inches. Kaiba walked over to him.

“Bandit Keith, if you play with fire, you just might get burned,” Kaiba said.

-O-o-O-

After Keith had walked off, stupefied by what Kaiba and Kyra did, Mokuba, Kaiba, and Kyra shared a victory high-five.

“That was so great! You two really put Keith in his place!” Mokuba cheered.

“We sure did,” Kaiba said.

“Kaiba, I’m sorry I called you a whore. I didn’t mean it, you’re really not a bad guy,” Kyra said.

“It’s okay,” Kaiba said. “And I’m sorry I almost stole your boyfriend.”

“It’s okay, you didn’t know he was dating me.”

As Kyra turned to leave, she said, “And you’re not a bad kisser either.”

Kaiba blushed. “Thanks.”

Later that day, Kaiba was walking down the street, alone. He was happy that he had put Keith in his place, but he was sad that Keith wouldn’t ever want to be with him. A part of him hated Keith and wanted him to drop off the face of the earth, yet another part of him wanted Keith to come back and take responsibility for his actions.

“What am I supposed to do with his child? I can’t raise it all by myself,” Kaiba thought. “And why would Keith want to do what he did? Why would he just take my virginity, then dump me like that? How could I be so stupid?!”

‘How you gonna up and leave me now? How you gonna act like that? How you gonna change it up? We just finished making up. How you gonna act like that?’

Kaiba reached his home. He went up to his room and lay down.

‘How you gonna act like we don’t be making love? You know we be tearing it up, breaking stuff, and getting rough. How you gonna trip, How can you forget? How you gonna act like that?’ (author's note: How You Gonna Act Like That - Tyrese)

Mokuba went into Kaiba’s room. He found Kaiba lying on the bed, staring into space.

“I can’t believe Noah was right, Mokuba. I acted like such a pompous idiot. He kept trying to warn me and I wouldn’t listen,” Kaiba whispered.

“Seto, you’re not an idiot. You were just being protective of your boyfriend because you loved him. It’s not your fault that Keith was a low-down cheater. You deserve someone better than him, anyway, so forget about him,” Mokuba said.

“But how can I forget about him?! I’m having his kid!” Kaiba growled.

“Don’t worry, Seto, we’ll figure something out. Everything will be okay,” Mokuba said, hugging Kaiba.

Noah heard their conversation and entered the room. “Are you okay in here?”

“Noah, you were right. I should’ve listened to you when you said that Keith was cheating on me. I’m a jerk,” Kaiba said.

“No, you’re not a jerk. I didn’t want to be right. I just didn’t want you to get hurt. I only wanted you to be happy,” Noah said.

Kaiba’s exhaled heavily. “Thanks,” he said, starting to smile again.

“But you say you’re having Keith’s child. How can you break up with him?” Mokuba asked.

Noah took a second to recover from this shocking news, then he responded, “He can’t, Mokuba. I’m going to go to Bandit Keith and force him to take responsibility for what he did.”

“You can’t do that, Noah. He’ll only end up cheating again,” Kaiba said.

Then, Mokuba thought of something that changed everything. “What if it’s not Keith’s?” he mused to himself.

He didn’t realize that Noah had heard him. “What did you say?”

Mokuba realized that he had said it out loud. “Uh, nothing?”

“It’s okay, Mokuba, he’d find out sooner or later, and I’d rather it be sooner than later,” Kaiba said. “I did it with Yugi, too.”

Noah stared at Kaiba in shock. “Did it ever occur to you that it could be Yugi’s child?”

“No, it didn’t. Because I started getting the symptoms after I did it with Keith. It couldn’t be Yugi’s kid,” Kaiba stated.

“Well, just to be sure, I’m taking you to the doctor to find out,” Noah said.

Due to amazing advances in technology (and the fact that this is just a fictional story), a machine had been invented so an expectant mother could tell who the father of the child was. All they would need was a sample of Yugi’s DNA.

They had their sample; it was a few strands of Yugi’s hair, taken from Kaiba’s trenchcoat. They knew it was Yugi’s hair because it was tri-colored and they made sure it was Yugi’s and not Yami’s.

“I’m telling you, it’s not Yugi’s child. You’re wasting your time, Noah,” Kaiba said, as they went to the doctor.

“I just want to be sure, Seto,” Noah said.

After the test, the doctor showed them the results. “Seto Kaiba, I have determined that the father of your baby is Yugi.”

“I knew it,” Noah thought.

“I can’t believe it,” Kaiba thought.

That night, Kaiba reflected on the events of the day, as he lay in bed. He had put his cheating boyfriend in his place, successfully broken the news about his situation to Noah, and found out who the true father of his child was.

“But will Yugi even look at me after I ran off yesterday? I bet he’s already moved on. He thinks that it’s Keith’s child. He probably thinks I’m a freak. That Blue Eyes underwear was a little weird,” Kaiba thought.

As Kaiba drifted off to sleep, he thought, “Where do I go from here?”

-O-o-O-

The next evening, Yugi decided to go to the park to listen to music. It was a nice, quiet day. The setting sun painted the sky brilliant shades of red and violet. Yugi listened to his portable tape player, admiring the nature while running through the park.

Kaiba, who had decided to stop moping around the house and go outside, was walking through the park, too. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice the sunset that much.

It was getting dark. Yugi was wearing black as he walked toward Kaiba. Kaiba didn’t see Yugi and Yugi wasn’t really watching where he was going. The two ran smack into each other, knocking them both over.

“Oh, crap! I’m so sorry, Kaiba!” Yugi exclaimed, running over to help Kaiba up.

“Yugi, we’ve gotta stop meeting like this,” Kaiba said, smiling as he got up.

“I keep knocking you off your feet,” Yugi commented.

“In more ways than one,” Kaiba thought silently. He said out loud, “Yugi, I have to tell you something.”

Yugi looked up with interest. “So do I.”

“I love you, Yugi,” Kaiba said quickly.

Yugi stared at Kaiba. “That’s certainly different.”

“If you don’t love me back, I’ll understand,” Kaiba said, turning away.

“No, I do. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I love you, too,” Yugi said.

“Really?” Kaiba asked.

“Really,” Yugi answered.

Yugi and Kaiba hugged.

“Yugi, I have something else to tell you. I’m pregnant with your child,” Kaiba said.

“But, I thought it was Keith’s child,” Yugi said.

“No. I was wrong. It’s yours,” Kaiba said.

“Then, maybe we can get married,” Yugi said.

They sat down on a bench.

“Do you wanna listen to music?” Yugi asked.

“Sure,” Kaiba answered.

Yugi took out the tape player, put a tape in, pressed play.

As they listened to the music, Yugi remembered something that had happened in PE class. “Remember in PE when we had to learn the tango?”

Kaiba chuckled. “It was disastrous. The teacher paired us up and I was too tall to dance with you properly.”

“And I kept stepping on your feet,” Yugi added.

They listened to the music for a while. Suddenly, a song came on that got their attention.

‘Watch the band, Through a bunch of dancers. Quickly, Follow the unknown.’

“Our song is playing,” Yugi joked. “Let’s dance.”

“You think our dancing will be any better?” Kaiba asked.

“Well, I’ve gotten taller and I’ll try not to step on your feet,” Yugi said. “Let’s try the tango.”

“You don’t wanna do such a dance with me. I can’t,” Kaiba said.

“You’ll be fine,” Yugi said.

They began to dance. Kaiba was surprisingly good at it.

“You’re really good at this,” Yugi said.

Kaiba smiled. “Thanks, Yugi.”

They continued to dance in the final twilight of the setting sun.

‘Courage, my word, didn’t come it doesn’t matter. Courage, couldn’t come at a worse time.’ (author's note: Courage - Sarah Polley (I heard it in an episode of Charmed))

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you're going to two-time a guy, make sure he's not better at card games than you.

Brotherly Love: A Taboo Animaniacs Fanfic (Part One of Seven)

I warned you this was coming (check the tags). I told you, dog.

I was an older teenager when I wrote this. I'm pretty sure I had started college at the time. Somebody shared a dorm room with me while I was writing this nonsense. Possibly, they were writing similar nonsense; I went to a weird college.

Readers of my other account (that I haven't yet connected to this one) might recognize that I tried to rework this into a James/Meowth fic (but didn't get very far). Apparently, mapping Meowth, James, and Jessie onto Yakko, Wakko, and Dot might not work as well as I had previously thought.

Anyway, DEAD GOODFEATHERS: DO NOT EAT

Content Warning: Consensual romantic relationship between two siblings (just because I wrote about it in a story doesn't mean I'd do it; I have a sibling and I would never get bizzay with them); aged-up characters; terrible attempt at writing Scratchansniff's accent out phonetically; exhibitionism; questionable knowledge of psychology; big emotions, including: *extremely Gonzo voice* GUILT and *extremely Septa Unella voice* SHAME SHAME SHAME (ding ding); Yakko angst

-O-o-O-o-O-

All was quiet over Burbank that Thursday night. Yakko Warner sat on the balcony of the Warner Brothers Studio water tower, gazing over the city lights.

His two younger siblings, Wakko and Dot, were worn out from that day’s antics and were soundly sleeping in the bedroom the three shared. They hadn’t even stirred when Yakko closed the door of the water tower. Yakko should have been tired too, considering he wreaked just as much havoc as his siblings, but he had a lot on his mind.

Lately, he’d been having these “feelings.” They were similar to the ones he got when he looked at Hello Nurse, but more intense. Hello Nurse was pleasing to the eye—very—but that was it. He merely liked looking at her, not….doing things with her, like what he wanted to do with the object of these “feelings.”

The Warners didn’t age, being toons, but Yakko figured he should still have gone through puberty by now. He didn’t know much about this subject, having driven Ms. Flamiel off before she could teach them Health, but nevertheless, he was sure he wasn’t supposed to be having feelings for the person that he did.

A cold breeze chilled Yakko’s skin through his fur. He decided it was time to go back inside.

Before turning in, he decided to check on his siblings. Dot, on the bunk just above Yakko’s slept relatively quietly, occasionally muttering about how cute she was. Actually, Dot did look pretty cute when she was sleeping—a trait not many people possessed. And Yakko certainly didn’t expect the object of his affections to possess this trait, considering how gross he acted in his waking hours.

Yakko easily scaled the top bunk to gaze upon the object of his affection. His little brother, Wakko, lay curled up, pillow’s edge in his mouth, half-covered by the blanket.

Watching his brother sleep so innocently only forced the most dirty thoughts into Yakko’s mind. Hastily, he tried to expel them. “This is my baby brother! How could I ever think of doing those things to him?”

Looking shamefully down at Wakko, Yakko decided it was time for another cold shower.

-O-o-O-

For once in his life, Yakko was the last Warner sibling to wake up. Usually that honor fell to Wakko, but Yakko hadn’t exactly fallen asleep right after he went back to bed.

See, Yakko liked to talk. He talked almost every second of the day, to the point where Dr. Scratchinsniff threatened to duct tape his mouth shut. He even talked in his sleep, especially when something was bothering him. If Dot or Wakko had heard him, well….he didn’t want to think about it.

So one can imagine Yakko’s sheer horror when he woke up to Wakko, sitting by his bed, staring at him.

“Wakko, what are you doing?” Yakko shrieked, sitting straight up in bed.

“Watchin’ you,” Wakko answered calmly.

When Yakko realized that Wakko probably hadn’t heard him talking in his sleep—otherwise he would have been a lot less calm—he calmed down.

“I mean, what are you doing watching me,” Yakko said, more calmly.

Wakko shrugged. “You’re usually the first one up.”

Yakko sighed, relieved. However, Wakko took it as a sigh of exasperation and immediately drooped.

“If you don’t want me to, I won’t do it anymore,” he said in a small voice.

Yakko rushed to comfort him. “No, I don’t mind you watching me. Hope you’re enjoying the view.” Yakko flashed a cheesy smile at Wakko. Wakko giggled.

“God, what a cute giggle,” Yakko thought.

“I guess Dot’s already up,” Yakko commented, making the bed.

“She’s in the bathroom,” Wakko answered, throwing off his pajamas. He searched around for his blue sweatshirt.

Yakko turned around to look for his pants and let out a short cry of shock. He was staring directly at Wakko’s naked form. True, Wakko’s back was turned, and he didn’t normally wear pants, but still…. Yakko was fascinated by his brother’s lack of self-awareness sometimes. He suddenly turned away. “Stop gawking at your brother like that!” he mentally scolded himself.

“What happened?” Wakko asked, from under his shirt.

“I just stubbed my toe. I really should move the night table further away from the bed,” Yakko said, his eyes creeping slowly toward Wakko, who was still putting on his shirt and still naked.

At that moment, Dot came out of the bathroom. The minute she walked in the room, she shrieked. “Wakko, put your clothes on!”

Yakko saw a devilish smile come over his brother’s face.

“What if I don’t?” Wakko challenged, lifting his shirt higher over his head.

Yakko, despite his conflicting emotions, turned to the camera, blew a kiss and said, “Goodnight, everybody!”

Dot only rolled her eyes. “Wakko, if you don’t put your clothes on, I’ll be forced to….” She thought for a moment, then grinned menacingly. “I’ll be forced to call in a clown!”

Wakko’s eyes bugged out, then he very quickly slid his shirt onto his body.

Yakko raised an eyebrow. “Darn. I was beginning to enjoy that—WHAT?! NO!” He immediately slapped himself for thinking it. He put on his pants very quickly, hoping to hide the sudden protrusion.

As soon as the siblings finished breakfast, the phone rang. It was Dr. Scratchansniff, asking them to come in for their appointment.

Yakko was too consumed by his thoughts to even notice Hello Nurse, which really surprised Dot. Wakko, who was busy screaming, “Hello, Nurse!” didn’t seem to notice. Yakko felt a tiny pang when he saw his brother’s reaction to the voluptuous blonde. “How could I ever imagine that he’d feel the same way about me as I do about him?” he thought, sulking on the waiting room couch, oblivious to the bemused looks Dot gave him.

Dot gazed at Yakko. He definitely wasn’t himself today. Normally, he’d be talking a mile a minute, planning out exactly how he was going to fracture Scratchansniff’s sanity this week. And if he wasn’t doing that, he’d be happily looking at this month’s (or last year’s, depending on how diligently the magazines were replaced) issue of Toon Times. Today, he just sat there, looking as though he’d just been suckered into a conversation with Pip Pumphandle. Dot wanted to ask what was wrong, but she didn’t want to pry. Besides, she thought, he’ll probably be over it soon and be back to normal.

Dot, who wasn’t interested in any of the magazines, turned to Wakko to find him blowing spit bubbles. “Ew.”

Dot sighed. This was going to be a long wait.

Hello Nurse came out. “Yakko, Dr. Scratchansniff will see you now.”

Yakko dragged himself off the couch and trudged into the office.

-O-o-O-

Dr. Scratchansniff was shielding himself behind his desk, waiting for the inevitable explosion of Yakko entering. Honestly, every time the Warners came within a fifty foot radius of him, insanity and misery were sure to ensue. He couldn’t have one appointment without Yakko making sarcastic comments, Wakko doing something gross, and Dot getting off-topic and leading him on a verbal wild goose chase. A this rate, he was never going to get these kids de-zanitized.

“Vait a minute,” Dr. Scratchansniff thought. Instead of the usual noisy, zany greeting, he was hearing….silence?

The psychiatrist emerged from behind his desk to find Yakko, sitting quietly on the couch in front of him. He didn’t even seem to notice the doctor; he absently traced the wrinkles in the upholstery with his fingers, a pensive expression crossing his visage.

Scratchy had never seen Yakko this quiet. Ever. Even if he wasn’t talking, he’d usually be sitting there, smirking at the trouble that lay in store for the psychiatrist. Yakko didn’t seem to be plotting any kind of chaos; he seemed to be lost in his own world.

Scratchy cleared his throat to get Yakko’s attention. Sure enough, Yakko dragged his eyeballs up to meet Scratchy’s.

“Oh. Hi, Scratchy,” he muttered lethargically, punctuating his speech with a heavy sigh.

“Yakko, you seem to be awfully quiet today. Vhat seems to be zhe problem?” Scratchy asked, expecting Yakko to drop the act and start the chaos any second.

“Nothing.” Yakko mumbled.

Scratchy noted this on his pad of paper. This seemed serious.

“Yakko, if zhere ist a problem, you know you can tell me,” Scratchy said in a gentler tone. “Das ist vas I’m here for.”

“Okay, but I don’t think you’re gonna like it….”

“Try me.”

Yakko took a deep breath. “I think I’m attracted to my brother.”

Scratchy raised an eyebrow. This was new. He’d dealt with patients who had issues with incest, but it was a whole different story now that it was a Warner in the situation.

“You think I’m disgusting, don’t you?”

Scratchy looked up from his notepad. Yakko was staring at him, a hurt expression on his face.

“Nein, nein, I am not here to judge. Now, Yakko, are you sure zhat it is attraction you are feeling tovards Vakko?”

Yakko stared at him. “I. Want. To. Make. Out. With. My. Brother. Yes, I’m positive I’m attracted to Wakko,” Yakko retorted.

“Hmm….” Scratchy wrote on his pad some more. Yakko couldn’t take it anymore.

“You gotta help me, Scratchy! I’ve been hiding it from him all along and it’s eating me up inside! It’s only a matter of time until I slip up and say it or I say it in my sleep! I can’t have my brother thinking I’m some kind of freak!” Yakko jumped on Scratchy’s desk. “Seriously, I’m starting to find his lack of hygiene sexy,” he whispered behind his hand.

“Zhe only zhing I can suggest right now is writing zhese feelings in a journal. I vill have to zhink about zhis some more before going further,” Scratchy answered.

Yakko sighed, relieved. Maybe if he wrote his nasty little thoughts down, he wouldn’t have the urge to yell them from the top of the water tower anymore.

“Thanks, Scratchy! I’ll send Wakko in.” Yakko hopped off the desk and skipped out the door.

Scratchy knew he’d be able to refrain from telling Wakko about Yakko’s feelings for him. However, he still wasn’t exactly looking forward to this appointment. His office hadn’t smelled right since the last one. Plus, he could never get very far in de-zanitizing him because he never said much.

“So, Vakko, is zhere anything you vant to talk about?” Scratchy asked.

“Like what?” Wakko responded.

“Like…. Your relationship vith your siblings.”

“Oh.” Wakko smiled. “It’s fine.”

“Care to elaborate?” Scratchy pressed.

“It’s….really fine?”

Scratchy sighed. “Anything else? How about your day?”

Wakko thought for a while, then perked up. “I actually got up before Yakko! But not before Dot.”

“Go on.”

“And….she got into the bathroom first and took forever. So I didn’t shower.” Wakko grinned. Scratchy rubbed his temples.

Dot’s appointment was a little better. Scratchy got more out of her—maybe more than he wanted.

“So, Dot, vould you like to tell me about your relationship vith your brozers?” Scratchy asked.

“They’re cool most of the time, but sometimes Yakko talks in his sleep, which gets really annoying because he’s always yelling, ‘Hello, Nurse!’ And Wakko can be kinda gross. Like today, he didn’t take a shower—he hasn’t for two weeks now—and he wouldn’t put on his clothes until I threatened to sic a clown on him. Actually, now that I think about it, that was kinda funny.” Dot giggled.

Scratchy looked up in surprise. “He….vouldn’t put on his clothes?”

“Yeah, and it really seemed to freak Yakko out. I don’t know why, though, ‘cause they take baths together and they have the same stuff. Mostly.” Dot shrugged.

Scratchy was furiously writing on his notepad. Dot got bored and started balancing on her tail. She found that she could almost see Scratchy’s notepad.

“Whatcha writing?” she asked.

Scratchy held the pad against his chest. “Notes.”

“Oh. “ Dot got off her tail.

In the end, Scratchy didn’t call them in for a group appointment. Based on his notes, he had a lot to work through before he even made a dent in their zaniness.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you lock three volatile cartoon characters in a tower and expect them to stay sane after sixty years, you're playing yourself.

Brotherly Love: Wakking Off (Part two of seven)

I have this theory that the Warner siblings are Set animals (like from ancient Egyptian lore), so the rules of mere mortals don't apply to them. One of Set's many domains is disorder and chaos, so I think it checks out.

Now watch teen!me write two of them acting like King Tutankhamun's parents.

Part one is here.

DEAD GOODFEATHERS DO NOT EAT

Content Warning: Consensual romantic relationship between two siblings; aged-up characters; questionable knowledge of psychology; godsawful usage of mid-noughties slang; big emotions, including: *extremely Gonzo voice* GUILT and *extremely Septa Unella voice* SHAME SHAME SHAME (ding ding); just two bros taking a bath together, sniffing each other's fur, tongues and tails twining whatevs

-O-o-O-o-O-

Yakko had been writing in his journal for three days.

It wasn’t working.

He figured he’d try Scratchy’s suggestion. It was only a start, Scratchy had said, but it might actually be enough to quell the incestuous thoughts Yakko had.

But the more Yakko wrote, the stronger the feelings grew. It got to the point where many of his entries were accompanied by a few diagrams of what exactly he wanted to do to his brother.

He also had to worry about hiding it. He had it hidden under his mattress, but what if they decided to make a mattress fort and it fell open as they moved the mattress? Every page included either a horrifyingly graphic description or a picture, so there was no way they’d miss it.

It got to the point where Yakko decided he just needed to maybe avoid Wakko for a while.

For the next three or four days, Yakko kept his distance. If Wakko entered the room, he left. He sat as far away from Wakko as he could at meal times. When the time came for them to take a bath, Yakko suggested they take separate ones. Wakko looked like he’d cry and it tore Yakko up inside.

The following night, Dot announced, “I’m going to the mall with Hello Nurse!”

Yakko’s heart skipped a beat. He’d be all alone. With his brother.

“The mall?” he asked.

“Yes, the mall. You know, with the stores, the food court, the pushy salespeople trying to unload their soon-to-be-outdated cell phones?” Dot said.

“Aaaah…Are you sure you want to go to the mall?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Really sure?”

“Positive.”

“Shiggity-sure?”

Dot stared Yakko dead in the eye and said, “Not only am I sure, I am shiggity-sure for shizzo my nizzo.” Then she left before Yakko could ask any more questions.

Yakko sighed. He was all alone. With Wakko.

Or not. He didn’t see Wakko around. Where was he?

Yakko looked all over the water tower. When he got to the bedroom, he found Wakko, sitting on his bunk.

“Wakko, what are you doing in here?” Yakko started to ask, until his brother turned around.

Wakko was crying.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Wakko asked in a small voice.

“What made you think that?” Yakko asked, sitting down on the bunk.

“You always leave when I come in. You won’t sit next to me. You didn’t want to take a bath with me.” Wakko sniffed.

Yakko winced. He didn’t think that Wakko would notice his avoidance. Wakko did, however, notice the wince.

“I knew it. You were avoiding me.” He turned away from Yakko.

Yakko mentally scolded himself. He was always forgetting how sensitive Wakko was. He should have thought that what he was doing would hurt his feelings. He also never realized how much he underestimated his little brother. He should’ve known he’d figure something was up.

“Yes, but I wasn’t trying to be mean to you,” Yakko said, gently putting a hand on Wakko’s shoulder.

“Why else would you do it, then?” Wakko still refused to face him.

“Because….well….I don’t know if I should tell you….”

“What? You don’t think I’ll understand? You think I’m stupid, don’t you.” Wakko attempted to jerk himself away again, but Yakko held him still.

“No, it’s just a really weird reason,” Yakko tried to explain.

“Try me.”

“It’s because I love you.”

Wakko stared at Yakko, confused.

“Not just that kind of love. I mean, I love you. I want to kiss you, and make out with you, and lots of other terribly graphic things that I’ve written down in a little book that I keep hidden under my mattress.” Yakko exhaled, waiting for the inevitable scream.

Only, it never came. Yakko looked at his little brother. The confused look was gone, replaced by a stolid expression.

Suddenly, Wakko took Yakko’s face in his hands and brought it closer to his own, until he began to kiss him.

It wasn’t like one of those kisses they did to their “special friends,” either. It was a bona fide on-the-lips kiss. It turned into more when Yakko realized there were two tongues in his mouth and only one of them was his. Until now, it had never occurred to Yakko that Wakko could do a whole lot more with his tongue than use it as a tape measure and let it dangle out of his mouth.

When it was over, Yakko barely heard Wakko ask, “Did you like it?”

“Holy….” was all Yakko could say. He had no idea his little baby brother could kiss like that. “Where did you learn that?!”

“From all the girls I went out with,” Wakko answered.

Yakko blinked a few times. “Well….That was amazing. But why didn’t you say anything before you did it?”

“You know me. I like to be more….physical.” Wakko flashed a carnal smile at Yakko.

Yakko was floored. He’d always thought of his little brother as being somewhat innocent. Clearly, he was mistaken. However, he wasn’t disappointed.

Yakko’s eyes must’ve been bugging out, because Wakko dropped his carnal grin. “Was that too much?”

Yakko smiled. “No, just a little too fast. How about….” He moved closer to Wakko, in a cuddle. “We start here?”

Wakko cuddled back. “Faboo.”

-O-o-O-

Dot came back from the mall a few hours later. “I’m home!” she announced to the house.

Nobody answered. Dot pouted.

“They all went to bed and now I’ll have to wait to show them all the cute clothes I got.” Dot skipped to her room to put away her clothes.

As she got out her pajamas, she noticed that Wakko’s bunk was empty. Maybe he wasn’t asleep?

Dot shrugged, then went to the bathroom to get changed and washed up. She listened for signs that Wakko was still up, but heard none. When she went back to the bedroom, she realized why.

Both Yakko and Wakko were sleeping on Yakko’s bottom bunk. They were tucked in, nice and snug, and Yakko had his arm around Wakko, almost protectively.

Dot had to admit it was cute—and she should know. She figured Wakko just had a bad dream and couldn’t fall asleep without his big brother to protect him. She hoped it wasn’t because of the clown comment she’d made a few days ago.

“Oh, well,” Dot thought. She hopped into her bunk and immediately went to sleep.

-O-o-O-

The next morning, Yakko was the first one awake. He wondered if the previous night had really happened, or if it was all some crazy dream. Then he looked down at his little brother, sleeping cutely on his arm, and knew it was real.

Yakko looked at the clock. It was barely even 7:00. Normally, he’d just go back to sleep until 9:00, but he decided he’d just watch Wakko sleep for a while.

He didn’t get to watch him long, as Wakko began to wake up. Yakko gazed down at him, lovingly, as he stretched his little body, then smiled up at Yakko.

“Wanna go at it again?” he asked, sleepily, wiggling into a sitting position.

“I’d love to, but we might wake Dot,” Yakko answered. Then, he got a idea. “Since we didn’t take our bath together yesterday, why don’t we do it today?”

Wakko perked up in response.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’”

Very quietly, the two went down the hall to the bathroom. Wakko got out their washrags while Yakko ran the bath. As he was pouring the bubble bath into the measuring cup, he spotted something out of the corner of his eye, that grabbed his attention and held it hostage.

Wakko, having gotten the washrags out, was starting to undress. Yakko watched as he slid out of his blue nightshirt and tossed it onto the toilet. Then he took off his red cap and placed it gingerly on top of his shirt.

Yakko stared, until he realized that the tub was slowly filling up with bubbles. He capped the bottle clumsily, unable to take his eyes off his naked brother. Just then, Wakko turned around and Yakko jerked his gaze in the other direction.

“Yakko, what’s wrong?” Wakko asked, going over to his brother, who still couldn’t seem to close the bottle.

“Nothing. Nothing at all! This bottle is just really hard to close, which is odd because normally I can never get it open. Man, they’re child-proofing everything these days, aren’t they?” Yakko liked this verbal diarrhea even less than the speechlessness that preceded it.

“You’re rambling. And why won’t you look at me?”

Yakko felt his head starting to turn, but resisted. “You’re naked.”

“We’ve seen each other naked before.”

“Yeah, but now it’s different. It’s like we’re….” Yakko struggled to get the word out. “Lovers. I still can’t get over the idea that maybe we shouldn’t do this.”

Wakko gently turned Yakko’s head downwards to face him. Yakko was now staring at his little brother in all his naked glory. The most frightening thing about it was that without his cap, Wakko looked a whole lot like himself.

“You even look like me. A constant reminder that we’re carrying out incest,” Yakko continued, nearly entranced. “It’s not that I don’t want to do it. But what would happen if someone should find out? What if they separate us?”

Yakko was silenced by Wakko’s body pressing against his own. “If we’re very careful, nobody will know. Even if they do find out, they’re not going to take us away from each other. I won’t let them.”

Yakko needed no more persuasion. “Then let us commence our bath,” he said, grinning and sliding off his pants.

The brothers climbed into the tub. Submerged up to their waists in bubbles and water, it appeared as though they were innocently taking a bath together—if you completely ignored the fact that they had their arms around each other and were inches from kissing.

Yakko suddenly felt something move his tail. He looked down and saw Wakko’s tail tentatively rubbing against his own.

Yakko smiled, intertwining his tail with that of his brother. Soon, Wakko was pressed against Yakko’s chest, kissing the side of his neck, while Yakko rubbed his nose against Wakko’s head.

Suddenly the door opened. Dot poked her head in. Luckily, Wakko’s head was facing away from the door, so it merely looked like Yakko had his nose on Wakko’s head. Both turned to look at her.

It still looked weird, and Dot made no secret of this with her facial expression. “What are you doing?”

“Um….Sniffing Wakko’s fur,” Yakko answered. “This new shampoo smells great!” Yakko took a huge whiff of Wakko’s head and had to quickly hide how intoxicating he found the scent. Wakko only continued to stare dopily at Dot, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

Dot must have been convinced, because she dropped the “what the hell” expression and said, “Okay!” Then she skipped off to the bedroom.

The minute the door closed, Yakko gave a sigh of relief. “That was close.” He turned to Wakko with a serious, but loving expression. “Maybe we ought to wait until we’re sure nobody will catch us. Or get a ‘Do not disturb’ sign.”

“It’s a little late for the sign, isn’t it?” Wakko said, lapping at Yakko’s neck.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Always be aware of how many tongues are in your mouth.

Brotherly Love: All Three Warner Siblings Have Questionable Taste in Men (part three of seven)

Might as well release more of that old Yakko x Wakko fic into the world.

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Part one is here. Part two is here.

DEAD GOODFEATHERS DO NOT EAT

Content Warning: Consensual romantic relationship between two siblings; aged-up characters; questionable knowledge of psychology; godsawful usage of mid-noughties slang; citrus scale: lime (adult fun-time happens, but is not shown); however, the lead-up to the adult fun-time is described in detail; big emotions, including: *extremely Gonzo voice* GUILT and *extremely Septa Unella voice* SHAME SHAME SHAME (ding ding); animane-y, totally insane-y, Dot is slut-shame-y

-O-o-O-o-O-

For the next few days, the Warner brothers kept their romance on the D.L. Even when Dot was not in the room or asleep, they refrained from attempting to get in a quick kiss or cuddle.

However, the more they tried to hide it, the harder it got. Yakko wasn’t sure he could keep himself from giving Wakko seductive winks from across the room. Wakko wasn’t sure if he could keep himself from flat out glomping Yakko.

One day, Dot exclaimed, “There’s a Mel Gibson lovers’ convention this weekend!”

They were all sitting at the table, eating pizza for dinner. When Dot turned to look at the calendar, Wakko couldn’t help himself. He snuck a quick kiss on Yakko’s nose, then went back to devouring his pizza (and the box) long before Dot turned around again.

“I’ll definitely have to go to that,” Dot continued. “It starts on Friday and lasts until Monday.” She turned to her brothers. “Think you can survive without me for four days?”

Yakko and Wakko looked at each other. Four days….With nobody but themselves around.

“It’ll be tough, but I think we’ll manage,” Yakko said. “We wouldn’t want to keep you from your ‘future husband.’” He twiddled his fingers to add air quotes.

Dot playfully flicked Yakko’s nose. “A girl can dream, can’t she?” she said with a smile, then went to pack.

When Yakko was sure she was gone, he gently touched Wakko’s hand. “We’ll have the tower to ourselves for four whole days. Are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

“Way ahead of you,” Wakko responded.

The next night, Friday, Dot left for the convention with Hello Nurse, who was also a fan. There weren’t any waterworks, but it still felt weird for the siblings, as they had never really been separated before.

However, Yakko and Wakko didn’t let the (very) slight separation anxiety get them down for long. First, they took their bath—with no interruptions and plenty more kissing.

That night, they sat together on Yakko’s bunk. They didn’t cuddle, they just sat in silence, enjoying the mere fact that they were alone together. It was almost as if they were waiting to see how long they could last without physical contact—or waiting for something to interrupt them just as it was getting good.

They weren’t waiting long, because after a few minutes, the brothers sprang up and went at each other more vigorously than they had before. Yakko ran his hands over Wakko’s ears, kissing his head as Wakko pulled Yakko on top of himself, licking Yakko’s neck as he moved.

Yakko began to get really into it. He eventually began to work his hands down Wakko’s body. He caressed the blue-clad arms, wishing he could touch the actual flesh. Wakko had moved south to kissing Yakko’s chest.

Yakko worked his way down until he got to Wakko’s waist. He suddenly stopped. Did he really want to undress his little brother? Was this really the right thing to do?

Wakko looked up at Yakko, puzzled. “Why’d you stop? It was getting really good.”

Yakko backed off, then sat back on his feet. “I think I got into it too much.”

“What do you mean?”

“I lost myself in the moment. I….I wanted to touch your body, and not just through your clothing, but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.”

Wakko lay in front of Yakko a few seconds longer, then took off his shirt. Yakko could almost feel a certain area in his pants start to grow. He looked down and realized that the protrusion was not, in fact, baloney in his slacks.

Wakko looked at Yakko’s crotch, then back up at Yakko. “We can take care of that.”

“That’s all well and good that you feel the same, but if we do this now, there’ll be no turning back. We’ll be up to our necks in the type of situation only allowed if our names were Ptolemy,” Yakko said, trying desperately to get it down. It wasn’t working. Wakko was being so calm, it was scary.

“Do I get to be Ptolemy I or do I have to play Ptolemy II?” Wakko asked. “Anyway, I don’t want to go back.”

“And we’re basically kids! I mean, we’re not really kids, seeing as how we’ve been around since the ‘30s, but we don’t exactly age normally, so we’ll always be forever young,” Yakko started rambling again.

Wakko sat up, his tail working its way up Yakko’s body.

“And what if you don’t like it? I mean, I’ll probably be fine, but what if we’re just not ready to go this far? It’ll be like I’m rap—”

Yakko was cut off by Wakko giving him a long sultry kiss, using that incredible tongue of his.

“I’m ready. You wouldn’t be raping me, we’re technically both adults, I don’t care if you’re my brother, and nobody’s going to find out. Really, Yakko, it’s going to be okay. Now please,” Wakko’s voice shook slightly, “just give it to me.”

Yakko felt a slight pressing on his leg. It took him a while to realize that that wasn’t Wakko’s tail.

He looked back at Wakko. He could see the longing in his eyes. He began to wonder how long he’d felt this way. Was he feeling this way longer than Yakko had? How much longer?

“You’ve felt this way for much longer than I have, haven’t you?” Yakko found himself asking. “You’ve had to hide it all this time.”

Wakko looked away. “You’re having second thoughts, aren’t you? You think I’m disgusting.”

“No, I don’t. I just didn’t want to do something that might hurt you,” Yakko soothed, putting his hands on Wakko’s naked shoulders. “But clearly not doing this now would be detrimental to your sanity.”

Wakko grinned up at Yakko. “I have no sanity.”

“Which is why I’m concerned. It’s illegal to do the horizontal hokey-pokey with a crazy person,” Yakko said.

“You’re not exactly sane yourself.”

“Right you are, little brother.”

And with that, Wakko proceeded to show Yakko just how insane he could get.

-O-o-O-

Dot entered the dark water tower as quietly as possibly, in case her brothers were asleep.

The convention hadn’t been as fun as she’d thought it would be. Sure, Mel Gibson was there, but with the huge lines of people, one could barely get five seconds with the guy. Then he had to leave early to work on another movie—something about “passion.”

“Speaking of passion,” Dot thought, taking out her newly autographed photo of Mel Gibson, “I wonder where I could put this up. I’m running out of room over my bed.”

Dot shrugged, put the picture back in its folder, then continued to her room. “I’ll figure it out later.”

As she was putting her things away, she noticed Yakko and Wakko in the same bunk again. Wakko was snuggled up against Yakko, surprisingly not wearing his red cap.

“Well, that’s a first. He never takes that thing off,” Dot thought.

Just like the other night, Yakko had his arm around Wakko in the same protective manner.

“Wakko seems to be having a lot of nightmares lately,” Dot thought, climbing onto her bunk. “I wonder what he and Yakko have been watching while I was gone.”

Had Dot looked more closely, she would have noticed that both Yakko and Wakko were naked.

-O-o-O-

The next morning, Yakko didn’t get to watch Wakko sleeping at all, because Wakko woke up first.

Wakko stared up at his sleeping brother, his eyes travelling up and down the arm around his own body. He smiled just as lovingly as Yakko had when he was in this situation, only Wakko’s smile was more dopey due to his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth.

He was deeply in love with his older brother. He’d still be in love with Yakko even if they weren’t doing all these fun things together. But Wakko needed to get physical with Yakko. He’d never been much for words, but if he could show Yakko how much he loved him, his message would get through.

He felt the arm under him stir as Yakko began to wake up.

Yakko carefully moved his arm so he could prop himself and look at Wakko. “So, about last night,” he started with a grin.

“Was I good?” Wakko asked hopefully.

“Good? You were wonderful! I don’t really have any idea of how it should have gone, but I don’t care! The nipple-honking was a nice touch, too.” Yakko moved in closer.

Wakko moved even closer to Yakko. “Are you up for another round?”

“When do you want it?” Yakko took his brother into his arms.

Dot was in the bathroom, going about her cuteness routine. This involved showering, washing her hair, blow-drying and combing, a blood sacrifice to Venus, and brushing her teeth before finally picking an outfit and flower scrunchie.

Just as she was about to get into the shower, she realized she’d forgotten her blow-dryer in the bedroom. She could always get it after her shower, but then her hair would drip all over the floor and leave a wet trail, and they had a house rule about no pratfalls before 10:00 AM.

“I’d better get it now.” She headed to the bedroom.

When she arrived at the door, she sensed she should stop. She stopped and heard Yakko and Wakko talking through the partially opened door.

She peeked through the crack and saw Wakko standing, stark naked, in front of Yakko. And Yakko didn’t seem as freaked out as he had the last time Wakko stood around naked. In fact, he looked like he liked it.

“Is it hot in here or is it just me?” Yakko was saying, fanning himself, supposedly at Wakko.

“It’s both of us.” To Dot’s shock, Wakko’s voice had taken on a sultry tone.

Then Wakko went over to Yakko and began to kiss him—on the lips.

Dot watched in horror as Yakko picked Wakko up and put him on the bed, while Wakko had his hands firmly around Yakko’s waist. By the looks on their faces and the movement of their mouths, she could tell that Wakko’s tongue had decided to pay Yakko’s mouth a visit.

Dot turned away from the door. She couldn’t go in there now. She couldn’t even think of what to say.

“What the hell was that?!” Dot thought. “Yakko and Wakko—disgusting! How could they do such a thing?! I thought Yakko knew better than that! And Wakko’s pretty gross, but even that’s nasty for him!”

Dot wanted to kick the door down and yell at them, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. “I don’t even know what to say to them, I’m so angry. I can’t even bear to look at them right now.”

Dot ran back to the bathroom to take a nice long shower.

-O-o-O-

Wakko sat in the kitchen, in his pajamas.

Shortly after they’d finished kissing, Yakko went out to get the paper. Wakko spent time finding his cap (it’d fallen under the bed the night before) and made the bed, something he rarely did.

Whe he finished, he went to brush his teeth, but the bathroom was occupied. He’d figured Yakko had gotten the paper and needed to go, so he decided to eat first, since he was pretty hungry.

They had forgotten to buy cereal, so Wakko found a box of ramen noodles and nuked them (in the microwave, not with a literal nuclear weapon).

He was about halfway finished when a half-soaked figure marched into the kitchen.

It was Dot.

“You tongue-sucking harlot!” Dot screamed. She’d been unable to quit thinking about her brothers and as she showered, she’d only gotten angrier.

“How could you do that with Yakko?! Don’t you have any decency?! He’s your goddamn brother, for Pete’s sake! You just seduced him like some twopence trollop! Do you even understand what you’ve done? You don’t, do you?! I thought you were just gross, but now I know you’re an incestuous WHORE!” Dot shouted. She’d never been so angry at her brothers in her life.

There was silence as she caught her breath and Wakko stared at her with a look of absolute terror on his face.

“And you’re not a college student, so why are you eating ramen for breakfast?!” Dot hollered before stomping out of the room.

-O-o-O-o-O-

And the moral of today's story is: If you catch your brothers making out with each other, take a shower, but be careful not to drip water everywhere. Safety is important.