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A Worse Pill to Swallow: Second Litter (part two of three of a old Blueshipping Pokémon fic)

The sequel sure is a thing.

Part one is here.

This fic contains:

-Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (warning because some people might be disturbed by it, even though Meowth can consent in this story)

-unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy (I think mpreg is fine, just explain it maybe)

-bizarre anti-abortion overtones (the views expressed in this fic by twelve me do not represent the views of adult me)

-general angst

-swear words

-shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy

-possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth and extreme out-of-character moments for Brock (I don't even know why I made him a super douche; I actually liked Brock)

-random "Jessiebelle does dark magic" plotline

-weepy!James (even moreso than he is in canon), dickish!Jessie, and generic boyfriend!Meowth

-no, seriously, Brock is just the worst in this fic

-odd ideas about romance

-ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-

*James wakes up on the couch.

James: What happened? Meowth: You fainted. James: You mean I fell asleep. Meowth: What are you talking about? James: It's not yesterday? Meowth: Did you hit your head when you fell, Jimmy? James: I dreamt you told me I was going to have more kittens. Meowth: That wasn't a dream. You fainted and I dragged you onto the couch. James: May I be excused? Meowth: Sure.

*James goes into the bathroom and starts vomiting. Meowth goes in with him. James finishes vomiting and just sits next to the toilet, crying.

James: (sobbing) I just can't stand it. Meowth: You can always take the pills…. James: (sharply) No! (folds arms)

*Meowth is a little surprised by James's tone of voice.

Meowth: Okay, I won't make you do it. James: You better not.

*James's voice is as cold as the snow falling outside Team Rocket's cabin. Meowth decides not to say anything else about the pills.

*A few weeks later, a snowstorm occurs. Team Twerp is wandering around the forest.

Misty: Hey, look, a cabin! Maybe we could ask to stay there.

*They go to the cabin and knock on the door. Jessie answers it.

Jessie: What are you twerps doing here? Misty: We're stranded and we need a place to stay. Jessie: Sorry, we can't. Ash: Why not? Jessie: Because….(gets a Pikachu-stealing idea) I changed my mind. You can stay.

*Ash and friends come inside. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, James is drinking milk. The kittens are asleep. He looks up and sees the twerps entering.

James: What are they doing here? Brock: You're looking a little fat, James. James: Shut up. Brock: Well, you are.

*James shoves Brock up against the wall.

James: You understand that I can sit my so-called "fat" self on your skinny little twerp butt, right? Jessie: Get off the twerp. You'll scare him.

*James backs away from Brock, letting him slide down the wall and onto the ground. Jessie takes James aside and whispers the plan to him.

Jessie: It may interfere with your kittens, but you can probably bear it.

*James looks shocked at the deviousness of Jessie's plan.

Brock: What is your problem? James: (folds arms) Why do I have to tell you? Brock: Just answer the damn question! James: (smirks) No. Brock: What is your freakin' problem?! James: You're my problem! You bug me! Brock: If you think you aren't fat, then why does it bother you? James: Because I'm pregnant, not fat!

*The room is silent. Then Team Twerp starts laughing.

Brock: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard! Who would even want to do it with you? James: Why, you little punk!

*James grabs Brock by his shirt and is about to double slap him.

Meowth: James, calm down! It's not good for your kittens if you're like this! James: (to Brock) How do you think you'd feel if you were going to birth a whole litter of kittens in a week and someone kept bugging you? Brock: Put me down! Put me down! Meowth: Put him down, James.

*James drops Brock. He then storms out of the room into the bathroom, where he slams the door.

Meowth: What did you do to him? Brock: I just asked him what his problem was. Meowth: Never ask James that question. Especially when he's having kittens.

*Meowth goes into the bathroom. James is sitting with his head on the toilet seat. His hair is messy.

Meowth: Are you sick again? James: No. But I think I'm going to be. Meowth: Is it the kittens again? James: Yes. They keep kicking. I tried eating only bland foods, but it's not working. It's been like this since the start. It's almost like the kittens are purposely trying to hurt me. Meowth: They wouldn't be. They don't know any better and why would they want to hurt you? You're giving them life. James: Maybe you're right.

*James shifts slightly, which earns him a kick from the kittens. He winces.

Meowth: James! Are you okay? James: I'll be fine. (feels another kick) Ow! It's just getting worse. (winces) Maybe they're….coming early. (clutches stomach)

*The kittens stop kicking James and go to sleep.

James: I think they're finally asleep. Meowth: Maybe you should go to sleep, too. James: Good idea.

*Later, James is awakened from sleep in the early morning by the kicking of the kittens. He drinks a glass of warm milk and goes back to bed. James's departure from the bed and return wakes Meowth.

Meowth: You okay? James: I feel like they're going to claw their way out of me. Meowth: It must be Jessiebelle. She did dark magic to them. What has she put inside you instead of normal kittens? James: (crying) They're hellcats! All ten or twenty of them! She's put demon kittens inside of me! They're all demon kittens! (sobs)

*James feels a lot of kicks from the kittens. He cries out in pain, cursing his pregnancy.

James: (strained) She's mad that I wouldn't make an heir with her, so she's punishing me, using my body to create demons. That bitch.

*Team Twerp has been listening from the other room.

Brock: So he's really got a jelly doughnut in the oven. I guess he really is well-bred.

*The door they're leaning on swings open. James and Meowth see that they're being spied on.

James: What are you doing spying on us? Brock: I should take some of your "demon kittens" and breed them. Then they'll grow into pretty good battlers. James: Stay away from my kittens when they're born.

*Team Twerp goes back to bed. James turns over.

Meowth: Are you all right? James: Where did I go wrong? I was happy at first, but I don't know what to feel now.

*The next morning at 7:00 AM, a falsetto scream is heard.

Brock: The James trap worked.

*James comes out of the bathroom. His face is flushed and there is a glue trap stuck in his hair.

James: There is a glue trap stuck in my hair. I suggest the person who did this come over here and remove it. (puts hands on hips) I'm not leaving until you do.

*Brock comes over to him and takes out a pair of scissors.

Brock: This will be easy.

*Brock holds the scissors to James's hair and is about to cut some of his hair. James grabs Brock's arm.

James: Drop the scissors.

*Brock drops the scissors.

Brock: How am I going to remove it without scissors?! James: (sugary sweet voice) Well, then, I guess you'll have to find another way, won't you? (folds arms, smiles sweetly) Misty: He does look pretty cute like that. Brock: Whose side are you on?!

*Brock is about to get a handful of James's hair and pull it out of the trap. James flips his hair out of Brock's reach.

James: (giggles innocently) Lay one hand on my hair and you'll no longer have a hand. Brock: So what am I supposed to do? James: I don't know. (giggles a little too sweetly) Brock: First he's a brute, now he's an innocent ditz. James: (steps into Brock's space) What did you say? Brock: I said….There's no dispute! Yeah, we totally need to get that glue trap out. James: (steps out of Brock's space) That's better. (smiles sweetly)

*Brock reads the back of the glue trap.

Brock: It says "comes off victim in warm water." Okay, come over to the sink, James. James: Like I said, I'm not moving until you remove the trap. Brock: God damn it. (under his breath) You can lead a whore to water but you can't make him put his head in the sink. (gets an idea) I know what to do.

*Brock gets a small pail and fills it with water.

Brock: Want a shower? 'Cause I should pour it all over your dirty ass. Cool down the kittens. James: (sugary voice) I wouldn't do that if I were you.

*Brock holds the bucket up to James's hair. James puts his hair in the bucket. The glue trap dissolves and falls off.

James: Now behave yourself. You wouldn't want me to get ugly, would you? Brock: (sotto voce) You're already ugly. James: (ominously) What was that? Brock: Um….nothing! James: (smiles sweetly) That's better.

*James walks back into the bathroom and closes the door.

Brock: How did he possibly hear that?

*Later, in the bedroom….

Meowth: Ash is so annoying. James: It's not Ash, it's Brock. He keeps messing with me. Meowth: All Ash talks about is being a Pokémon master. Give the subject a rest. James: If I hear the word "fat" come out of Brock's mouth one more time….(goes back to bed) Meowth: (surprised) You just got up and now you're getting back in bed? James: (sighs) I'm just tired. Cats sleep for thirteen hours and I guess I should sleep that long for the kittens. Meowth: Actually, kittens sleep for sixteen hours. James: The longer the better. (yawns) Meowth: Are you sure you're not sick? James: I'll be fine.

*In a few seconds, James is in a deep sleep, snoring. Meowth watches him for a while.

Meowth: (thinking) He's so cute when he's sleeping.

*James has a dream where Jessiebelle comes and tries to take his kittens. He wakes up screaming.

Meowth: What's wrong, Jimmy? James: (shakily) I dreamt Jessiebelle tried to kidnap me and make me give birth to the kittens in her dungeon.

*Brock bursts into the room.

Brock: Are the kittens ready to come out?! James: No, and even if they were, you wouldn't be getting any of them. Brock: Oh, come on. You don't mean that. James: I believe I do. Brock: I can heal your pain. James: How? Brock: Give me the kittens and I'll tell you how. James: No. First of all, you're not getting any. Second of all, they haven't been born. Brock: I can heal your pain and help you birth them at the same time. James: No. (backs toward bedroom)

*James runs out of the room. Brock chases him through every room in the cabin. Brock finally traps James behind the couch.

James: (looks up, sees Brock) AHHH! Brock: Won't you let me help you birth the kittens? James: First, you insult me, then you threaten me? No way. If you want kittens, get your own two Meowths, and let them screw each other.

*James gets up and starts pushing Brock backward.

James: I'm going to birth them, and I'm going to keep them. (shoves Brock against the wall) Got that? Brock: (scared) Yes.

*James backs away from the wall, letting Brock fall to the ground.

James: Good day.

*James walks into the bedroom, after shooting a kind of flirtatious smile at Team Twerp.

Misty: Cute smile. Brock: Whose side are you on? Ash: That's the second time today he did that.

*Later that day, they're having lunch. James cooks meatballs and puts chocolate on his portion.

Brock: Why are you pouring chocolate on your meatballs? James: Because I like it.

*James eats every meatball on his plate and every last drop of chocolate. he drinks four glasses of milk. Brock stares at him.

Brock: Are you feeling okay? James: What's it to you?

*James puts his plate in the sink. He begins washing a spoon.

Brock: This fell off of your Pokéball belt. (holds out Pokéball) I'll give it back if you give me a kitten. (waves Pokéball in James's face) James: (slowly, ominously) Give me Victreebel's Pokéball. NOW. (holds up spoon)

*Brock walks over to where James is sitting and gives him the Pokéball.

Brock: (mockingly) Here ya go, Sugar-tits.

*James grabs Brock by his shirt and pulls him close to him.

James: (narrows eyes, smiles sweetly) Don't call me Sugar-tits.

*Victreebel comes out and bites James on the ass.

James: Let go of my sweet ass! (puts Victreebel back in the Pokéball)

*James smiles sweetly at Brock before getting up and walking back into the bedroom.

*Later that day, there is a telephone commercial on the TV. James bursts into tears at it.

Brock: What is your problem? Why are you crying at a commercial? It's just a friggin' commercial! James: You're getting on my last nerve! I'll bear the kittens, but I won't bear your constant harassment! Brock: Why are you even having kittens? Humans don't do that. James: This one does. Brock: Well, you're a Pokébestial freak. James: That's it! I may be a lot of things, such as irritable, hormonal, and emotional, but I am not a freak! Brock: Take a chill pill. Or maybe an anti-pregnancy pill. James: Maybe I will!

*Everyone looks at James, who has just realized what he's said.

Brock: You monster. Do you realize what you just said? James: You're right. I'm a monster.

*James runs into the bedroom, crying.

Meowth: What did you do that for?! Couldn't you see he didn't realize what he said?! Brock: I broke him. (yelling) Hey, James! Do you still have your Moltres personality now, kitten-murderer? James: (from bedroom) Shut up! (screaming) Just shut up, okay? (kicks door closed)

*Loud cursing while crying can be heard from behind the door.

James: That bastard! He knows I plan to have the kittens! He just wants them to come out all fucked up! He just wants an excuse to ridicule me! I hate Brock! I hate Brock! (crying) I am such a fiend for hating! I can't believe I almost considered taking the pills!

*Outside the bedroom door, Meowth is listening in.

Meowth: I better go in and talk to him.

*Meowth goes in. James is kneeling next to the bed with his face buried in the covers.

Meowth: James, what's wrong? James: It just hurts. (sobs) Meowth: That's a good sign. It means they'll come out soon.

-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Nobody is safe from the out-of-character plague.

A Worse Pill to Swallow: The Return of the Jilted Jessiebelle Plot

Jessiebelle kills Dumbledore Meowth! The resurrection ritual will blow your mind!!!1eleven!

Here lies the thrilling conclusion to "A Worse Pill to Swallow."

Part one is here.

Part two is here.

This fic contains: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; bizarre anti-abortion overtones; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; weepy!James (but can you really blame him, considering what twelve!me did to his life?); dickish!Jessie; generic boyfriend!Meowth; random “Jessiebelle does dark magic” plotline that goes absolutely nowhere; odd ideas about romance; loose understanding of the occult; possibly demonic kitten plotline that goes nowhere; kitten birthing scenes (make it double!); Twerps witness the miracle of Pokébestial childbirth; major character death (that gets undone by the most bullshit of methods); questionable song parody; JAMES EATS A PLACENTA; desecration of grave; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-

*They all get ready for bed. That night at about 12:30 AM, Meowth is woken up by James shaking him.

James: Meowth! Meowth! I think it's time! Meowth: Breathe and push. (takes James's pants off)

*James starts breathing and pushing. He screams because of the pain.

James: It's not easier the second time! It just hurts more! Meowth: Hold my hand, Jimmy.

*James holds Meowth's hand. His pain increases.

James: (squeezes Meowth's hand) AHHH!

*James's other hand is in a fist.

Meowth: Push, James! James: (crying) I'm trying to!

*Team Twerp is spying on them.

Ash: What the crap?! Brock: This is weird. Misty: ….Maybe we should've camped out in a cave.

*James is pushing as hard as he can. He feels a kitten coming out.

Meowth: Push! James: AHHHH! (pushes)

*The push makes three of the kittens pop out.

Kittens: Meow! James: If I could get this last one out….(straining) Just one more left, Meowth….(squeals, pushes) Meowth: You're almost there! James: (weakly) Help, Meowth…. Meowth: Push, James! James: (pushes) EEEEE!

*A little kitten pops out.

Kitten: Meow! James: Ohhh….(falls back into bed)

*Meowth bites off the umbilical cords, then goes back to gingerly patting and rubbing James's hand.

James: (tired) So I didn't have ten kittens. Jessie: You do realize you just gave birth in front of the Twerps?

*James blushes, smiles sheepishly, and sweat-drops.

Meowth: You should just rest, James. It's late and you just had four kittens.

*Meowth gives the kittens bottled milk pumped from James's nipples. He scrapes the afterbirth onto a plate for them to eat. James goes back to sleep.

*The next day….

James: (sing-songishly) Oh, kittens! It's feeding time!

*James opens his shirt and picks up a kitten. The kitten bites James on the nipple and glares at him.

James: He hates me. I birthed him, and he hates me. (teary) What did I do wrong? Meowth: The others like you.

*All the other kittens sniff and lick at James.

James: I think they're just hungry. Meowth: I'll take care of this one for now. (picks up a milk bottle) James: I'll feed the other three.

*Two of the kittens suckle from James. The third one drinks a bottle of James's milk. The kittens take turns drinking from bottles and suckling from James, like the last litter did.

*A few weeks later, James takes a ride on Meowth's rocket again. A few weeks after this, James wakes up in the middle of the night to vomit.

*Minor detail: the snowstorm has kept up and Team Twerp is still stranded there.

*James gets out the pregnancy test for Pokémon and pees on the grey oval. Meowth notices James isn't in bed with him and gets up. He sees a light under the bathroom door.

Meowth: (knocks on door) Jimmy? You okay in there? James: (spaced out) Meowth? Meowth: Yes, James? James: (spaced out) Would you believe me if I told you that I'm pregnant again? Meowth: This is the third time. James: (spaced out) I know.

*There is silence for a minute. James is thinking about how his life got to this point.

James: Meowth? Will you please come in and nurse me? I'm about to get very, very sick.

*Meowth "nurses" James and makes sure none of the "sickness" lands outside the toilet. That's pretty much all he can do at this point.

Meowth: You definitely have a kitten in there. James: How many this time?

*Meowth gets out the "Kitten 2000 Pregnancy Test," a test that tells how many kittens a Meowth (or a James) will have. James pees on the grey oval. After a minute, a blue "1" appears.

James: Finally….A single birth. Meowth: But it'll probably seem equal to at least three kittens. James: (sighs) I'm used to it.

*James gets off the bathroom floor. He will probably be back there soon.

James: I guess I'll go back to bed. Any suggestions on what I should do?

*James is standing with a hand on his hip. His blue hair looks wet and his white pajamas look translucent because of the sweat. Meowth has a few ideas about what he wants to do with James in bed, but he wisely keeps them to himself.

Meowth: I think you should stay in bed—I mean—off your feet for a while.

*James sits down on the bed, feeling the kitten move.

James: I don't know why, but I'm really nervous this time. Meowth: You shouldn't be nervous. You're practically a pro at this. James: I just feel like something very bad is about to happen.

*Let's skip ahead to see why James is so nervous.

*Jessiebelle breaks in and kills Meowth with an occult knife.

James: No….He can't die. I'm still pregnant with his kitten. Jessie: He's gone, James.

*Like James is going to settle for "he's gone."

James: No. He can't be. He's not. This is just one of my crazy dreams, isn't it? Isn't it, Jessie?! This is just a dream, right?! Right?! Jessie: James, he's dead for real. James: Oh, no….(sits down heavily) No! (starts crying) Jessie: Don't cry, it's not good for the kittens. James: (weakly) This must've been why I was so nervous. (screaming and sobbing)

*The next day is a cold, cloudy day. The weather makes Meowth's gravesite look like a barren field. James comes out of the cabin, dressed entirely in black. He's wearing a black cloak with a small red "R" on it. He looks sad and his unkempt hair is blown limply by the wind. Basically, he looks defeated. He walks over to Meowth's grave and kneels down.

James: Why, Meowth? Why did you have to die? You never got to see your kitten. I'll never get to see your face light up at its birth. Sure, Jessie will help me, but now I'll need a photograph to compare the kitten's looks to yours.

*James stands up. He starts singing quietly.

James: (singing to the tune of "American Pie," the Madonna version) You left me singing….Why, why did Meowth die? We've got kittens, you were smitten by Jessiebelle's knife. We're down to two, with Jessie and I. I can't continue being a bad guy. I can't continue being a bad guy….

*The twerps are watching from a distance.

Misty: That's a nice song. James: (blushes) Thank you. (sighs) Meowth used to love helping me sing the kittens to sleep.

*They stand there silently.

Misty: I should be getting back to the group. James: Goodbye, Misty. Misty: Goodbye, James.

*James goes back into the cabin. His face looks drained of color, except for a red flush because of the cold wind. He goes into the bedroom and lies down in bed. He dreams Meowth's spirit comes back. He wakes up, quietly.

James: Meowth's spirit came back to me. Maybe Meowth will, too.

*James feels the time to give birth coming closer until one stormy night….

James: The kittens are coming! Jessie: Push! James: (pushes and screams) I know I can do this! (pushes) Kitten: (pops out partially) Meow! James: OH MY GODS! (screams, pushes)

*The kitten pops out fully. This time, James must bite off the umbilical cord.

Kitten: Meow! James: He's beautiful. (gets teary-eyed) But Meowth won't see this. (starts crying)

*Jessie comforts James and holds him as he breastfeeds the kitten. A little while later, he and the kitten share the placenta as a snack.

*The next day, after the kitten is more alert, James takes him outside to see Meowth's grave.

James: See that? That's Meowth's grave. He helped give you life. (softly) Unfortunately, you'll never get to meet him. Kitten: Meow? James: He was murdered. (starts to cry) Kitten: Meow. (snuggles up against James)

*The little kitten meows and smiles up at James.

James: (sniff) I love you. And your father did, too. (holds kitten close, starts crying again)

*After a while, James stops crying.

James: (dark voice) I cry too much. Jessie was right. Every single day, I cry.

*James's tone scares the kitten. The kitten starts to cry.

James: (near to tears again) Now I've scared my own kitten. (to kitten) It's all right, I didn't mean to take that tone of voice. I'm sorry I scared you. (sniffles)

*Tears run down James's face. He cradles and rocks the little kitten. The kitten stops crying.

James: It's all right. Don't cry.

*He is answered by a quiet snore and a small meow while breathing. The kitten has fallen asleep.

James: (smiles sadly) How sweet. He snores like a combination of me and….(voice trails off) I don't know what I'm going to do if I end up mentioning….I can't even say my own teammate's name. Am I too traumatized?

*Jessie comes out to comfort James. Wobbuffet comes out of his Pokéball.

Jessie: Get back in, Wobbuffet!

*Wobbuffet goes over to Meowth's grave and pees on it.

James: (gasps) Wobbuffet! Show some respect!

*The dirt shifts. A paw punches out of the earth, followed by the rest of a very dirty Meowth. Jessie and James are surprised.

James: Meowth? You're….you're alive?! Meowth: Apparently, Wobbuffet urine has regenerative properties. (looks at James) Is that the new kitten? James: Yes. I'm sorry you didn't get to see his birth. Meowth: (smiles) Don't worry. I saw it.

*A simple, happy ending to a complicated Pokébestial story.

-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Wobbuffet should pee on my music taste; maybe it'll get better.

The Book of Moltres James: A Religiously Clueless Pokéfic (part one)

Other contenders for titles: Yes, Virgin James, There Is A Moltres God; The Blood of the Chicken

This is a fic I wrote when I was thirteen (possibly old enough to know better). Apparently, I watched "The Fortune Hunters" and thought it needed a fix fic. Unfortunately, this fic is just a little broken.

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it's the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it's okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; a loose understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; bizarre focus on James's virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; definite out-of-character moments for the twerps; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; bad ideas about romance; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

(James’s point of view)

I was a fallen soul.

“I’m not a Moltres,” I thought. “My life is trash.” That was what I used to think.

That was before I realized that I had looked up the wrong date. I had looked up the date March 20, 1984 instead of April 20, 1984.

“I’m not a Magikarp!” I thought. Oh, happy day!

Then another thought hit me: What if I was something worse? Like a Weedle? I was afraid to look at the fortune book for a week. Then I realized it’s only a fortune. It can’t hurt me. I looked up my fortune. I couldn’t believe it.

I was actually a Moltres.

-O-o-O-

I watched a group called the Moltres Witnesses. They were very serious Moltres worshippers.

Jessie called it a cult, but I didn’t care. I, too, had become a serious Moltres worshipper. I stopped eating chicken because Moltres is a fire chicken. I prostrated myself in the Temple of Moltres. Before I went in, I purged myself, forcing my body to rid itself of all impurities.

The only part of the chicken I would consume was its blood.

Later, I found out the Moltres Witnesses weren’t that extreme, they just bowed down and prayed to Moltres every day.

I didn’t really join the group at first. I only watched them, hiding, and secretly worshipped Moltres with them. I was too shy to ask them if I could join.

But one day, Moltres came. He was right next to me all along and I didn’t even know it.

I heard a voice on the wind say, “What are you doing over here in the bushes?”

I turned around. Moltres was there.

“I….” I was speechless.

“Yes?” Moltres patiently awaited my answer.

“I was honoring you,” I said, while bowing, “O Mighty Moltres.”

“I’ve seen you. You have given up eating the flesh of the chicken. You only drink the blood. You purge yourself before entering my temple,” Moltres said.

“You can talk?!”

“Yes, James, I can talk.”

I was shocked. He knew my name! Wow!

After that, I loved, respected, and honored Moltres even harder.

Then the accident happened.

-O-o-O-

Jessie and Meowth were watching the news on TV. An accident report came on. The accident wasn’t far from us.

“Wow. That’s nasty. That huge thing must’ve caused a really big fire,” Jessie said.

“Jessie, be quiet! Don’t let James hear!” Meowth said.

As soon as I heard the “don’t let James hear” part, I ran out into the living room.

The accident was Moltres.

Moltres had been hit by a truck.

I ran into the bathroom crying. I heard Meowth say, “I knew it would break his heart. I just wanted to protect him.”

After about five minutes, I snuck out of the bathroom to the crash site. Officer Jenny was there with Nurse Joy. The twerps were there, too.

I didn’t care who was watching. I bowed down to Moltres and talked softly to him.

“What’s he doing?” Ash said.

“Moltres must’ve been like a god. The legendary bird deserves a proper burial,” Officer Jenny said.

I attended Moltres’s funeral. The Moltres Witnesses were there, too. The twerps, Officer Jenny, and Nurse Joy were there, also.

I didn’t cry. I knew I had to be strong for Moltres. But I was thinking, “Why did you leave me like that, Moltres? Why did it have to be you?”

“It was just a chicken with fire on it,” Ash said.

I got mad. “No, he wasn’t! Moltres was a god to a group called Moltres Witnesses! How can you say he was ‘just a chicken’?”

Ash shut up for the rest of the funeral.

The Moltres Witnesses came up to me.

“Hey, you’re the one Moltres talked to!” one of them, a blond man, said.

I got a little scared. What if that was forbidden?

“What’s your birthdate? I wanna look up your Pokémon type.”

“April 20, 1984.”

The man flipped to April twentieth in the Pokémon fortune book.

“He’s a….a Moltres!” the man yelled.

“No wonder Moltres liked him. He’s kinda hot,” a red-haired guy said.

“Oh, give it up Ronald, he’s too young for you,” a green-haired woman said.

“What’s your name?”

“James. What’s yours?”

“Cujo.”

“I’m Rosemary,” the woman said.

“I’m Ronald,” the other guy said.

When the funeral was over, we said goodbye to each other. I walked home. I couldn’t believe Moltres had died.

“Who will I look up to now?” I thought.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If a book says you're a thing, immediately join a cult for it and get hit on by Ronald McDonald at a funeral for a fire chicken. (DO NOT ACTUALLY DO THIS)

The Book of Moltres James: The Annunciation to the Virgin Moltres James (part two)

In which our Man-Mother of Everlasting Blaze is born anew in the purifying flames of the fire chicken. We're getting real weird with this one.

Part one is here.

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it’s the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it’s okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; loose understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; lack of medical knowledge; bizarre focus on James’s virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; odd ideas about romance; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

I wanted to die.

I knew I was Pokébestial and in love with Moltres. I wanted to be with him, but he was dead. Even if he were alive, I couldn’t do it with him because I valued my virginity.

I didn’t know Moltres was in love with me until one fateful day.

I was fine until Jessie, Meowth, and I got in the van. I had been driving for about five minutes before I felt like I was going to vomit. Jessie and Meowth noticed.

“Why are we driving so slow?” Jessie asked. I pulled over.

“Hey, you okay, Jimmy?” Meowth asked.

I grabbed an empty paper bag and threw up in it.

“Jessie, I think you better drive,” Meowth said.

Jessie and I switched places.

“Maybe it’s just carsickness,” Meowth said.

“No, I never got carsick. Why would I start now?” I said.

When we got home, I went to the bedroom to lie down. I overheard Jessie and Meowth talking.

“No way! That can’t be what’s happening to James!” I heard Jessie say.

I went to the hallway so I could hear more clearly.

“I know the signs,” Meowth was saying.

“What signs?” I thought.

“After what happened while we were on the Shuckle potion, it wouldn’t be surprising if James was pregnant.”

Oh my gods.

“You did that with him?” Jessie said.

“No, not like that. I mean, I didn’t do it with him. But maybe some magical Poké-force was attracted to him and did it.”

You are crazy, Meowth.

“That could be possible,” Jessie said.

Please stop talking about that! I silently screamed. I ran back to the bedroom. A few minutes later, Meowth came in.

“Want any water?” he said, holding up a glass of water.

I just stared at him, dazed.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

He knows! He knows I overheard him and Jessie, he knows what I’m thinking. I just know it, I thought.

“James, there’s a special doctor you can go to,” Meowth said.

-O-o-O-

“A midwife?!”

“It’s just for a checkup,” Meowth said.

We were standing in front of a small building.

“They check for interspecies pregnancies in case anything really weird happened,” Meowth said.

We went inside. We were the only people in the lobby except for the receptionist. We already had an appointment. The doctor came out. He led Jessie, Meowth, and me into the exam room.

“According to what the receptionist told me, you’re here to get a pregnancy test,” he said.

I nodded.

“Okay.”

I had to lie down with my legs spread. The doctor used his machinery to look around my nether regions. When the test was done, the doctor looked over the results of the test. He looked completely surprised.

“Would you come in my office for a minute?” he said.

I went into the office with him.

“Have you had sexual intercourse with any Pokémon?”

“No, I’ve never even had sex. Why?”

“Because these test results are positive.”

I was shocked. “But that can’t be….”

“The test results are positive and you show all the signs. Also, my machinery detects that the child is of legendary Pokémon ancestry.” Then, he leaned in closer. “I think a greater force did this to you,” he added.

“What…?”

“This isn’t just a regular hospital. We study magic here, too.”

“Oh.”

When I walked out of there, I still had questions, but the doctor probably couldn’t answer them.

When we got home, Jessie and Meowth went to talk privately. I went into the bedroom, dazed.

Then, suddenly, a voice called me over to the window.

It was Moltres!

“Moltres!” I whispered, running over to the window.

“It’s me, James,” Moltres said. “I returned to tell you I did this to you.”

“You mean I’m…? O Mighty Moltres, it is an honor,” I said, bowing.

“I chose you because you were the purest Moltres Witness. Also, you are a virgin and still will be after you have the child.”

Then, just like that, Moltres disappeared. Just before Moltres disappeared, I saw a ghostlike figure of a person. The person had red-streaked yellow hair and was wearing golden robes.

Could they be Moltres’s human incarnation?

I told Jessie and Meowth the whole thing.

“Moltres did it?”

“The spirit of Moltres came back and told me.”

“Moltres? It would be okay if Meowth did it or even one of the twerps, but if Moltres did this to you, it might be some sort of evil spirit.”

“Jessie, don’t preach. Moltres isn’t evil.”

It wasn’t easy, but I finally convinced Jessie that Moltres wasn’t evil and he did it because I was a virgin and I was pure.

-O-o-O-

(Meowth’s point of view)

James was seven months pregnant with Moltres’s child.

He got emotional at times.

He seemed to be getting weird cravings for chicken blood.

We had found out James’s child wouldn’t be a Moltres, but a human.

James still worshipped Moltres every day.

One day, James got a fever. Jessie and I took care of him so his unborn child wouldn’t be harmed. We later found out that James was feverish because Moltres was a fire Pokémon. That’s also why the child was unharmed by the fever.

Once, I saw James streaking his face with blood and chanting to Moltres under the full moon. It was pretty weird, because I thought James wasn’t the gothic type.

Another time, I saw him crying in bed.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Why did Moltres have to die? Who would be so cruel to run over the Mighty Moltres?” James sobbed.

At that moment, I wished I knew.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Apparently James's conception was an Immaculate one.

The Book of Moltres James: The Bird(man) Who Got Away (part three)

The story calms down for a bit, but goes back to its usual bonkers self in the next part. Teen-me just couldn't help herself and had to shoehorn in some blueshipping.

Part one

Part Two

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it’s the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it’s okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; lack of medical knowledge; bizarre focus on James’s virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; definite out of character moments for the twerps; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; odd ideas about romance; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Third person point of view)

“James, if you’re going to wear those awful maternity clothes, at least wear matching shoes instead of your boots,” Jessie said.

“No way! I don’t want anyone to see my ankles,” James said.

His ankles weren’t that badly swollen, but to James, they were huge.

James also thought he looked awful in his Team Rocket uniform because he was very heavily pregnant, so he got a black maternity shirt and sewed a red “R” onto it.

Team Rocket hadn’t chased the twerps for eight months. The twerps wondered why. So they knocked on the door of Team Rocket’s cabin. James answered it.

“What are you three doing here?” he asked, peeking out from behind the door so the twerps could only see his face.

“How come we can only see your face?” Brock asked. Then he added, “Are you decent?”

“No,” James said. “I won’t be for another month.”

“You’re naked?!”

“No!”

“Then why would you be indecent?” Misty said.

“Because I don’t want you to see me.”

“Why not?” Ash said.

“I just don’t!” James said. He tried to push the door closed, but Ash started trying to push it open.

“Why haven’t you chased us?” Ash asked.

“Because we don’t want to!”

James pushed the door shut and locked it. The twerps were surprised.

“Team Rocket doesn’t want to chase us?” Misty said.

“I feel so rejected!” Brock said.

“Something’s up,” Ash said.

The twerps ran around the cabin, looking to find a window to look in, but all the windows were covered with shades.

“Wait a minute. They haven’t chased us for eight months. James said he didn’t want us to see him for a month. That makes nine months,” Brock said.

“What does that mean? Is James in school?” Ash asked.

“School is ten months, Ash,” Misty said.

“And when Team Rocket drank the purple Shuckle potion, Meowth fell in love with James,” Brock continued.

“Brock, where you’re going with this story is just weird,” Misty said.

“Where is he going with it?” Ash said.

“Don’t you get it?” Brock said.

“No,” Ash said.

Brock and Misty face-faulted.

“He’s saying James and Meowth had sex and James is pregnant!” Misty yelled.

“Eww! I wish you hadn’t told me!” Ash yelled.

“But James is a human and Meowth is a Pokémon,” Misty said.

“There are times when that doesn’t matter,” Brock said. “However, we don’t know if this is one of those times.”

“We don’t even know whether or not James and Meowth had sex,” Ash said.

So the twerps forgot about it and minded their own business.

-O-o-O-

James was a little over nine months pregnant.

He had become quieter and emotional. He was eating more than he usually did.

Sometimes he would run to the temple of Moltres and stay there for hours, praying for a safe birth.

He still got feverish fits. Sometimes he would just get really feverish for a few hours.

One day, Meowth was sitting with James, who was lying down in bed.

“I know you’re hot and uncomfortable, but it’s part of the pregnancy,” he said, stroking James’s hair.

“Meowth….I’m two weeks overdue so far. Maybe it lasts more than nine months,” James said.

Meowth hated to see James so miserable. He knew Moltres had chosen James because he was pure and a virgin, but James was so young. He was only eighteen.

Meowth had had plans for James and himself. He wanted to capture Pikachu and other Pokémon and sell them to the boss, get rich, quit, run off, and marry James and raise kittens with James.

He also sort of thought that fantasy was too good to happen and figured he would end up being a thug while James was pregnant and barefoot in a Team Rocket trailer near the jailhouse.

The reality was a lot like Meowth’s worst-case-scenario fantasy. They were living in a shack little bigger than a trailer. Meowth was a criminal and James was pregnant, but not barefoot.

“He wouldn’t want to be barefoot. Then we’d see his ankles,” Meowth thought.

James raised himself off the bed slowly.

“Where are you going?” Meowth asked.

“The bathroom,” James answered, limping towards the bathroom for a nice long cry.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you really love someone, you will learn to let them go and get impregnated by a mystical fire chicken spirit after reading a fortune-telling book.

The Book of Moltres James: He's Going to Need Burn Heal for His Soul (the fourth and final fraction)

He'll probably also need burn heal for another part of his body, but I'm not going to say which one.

Parts of this story are....very 2002.

Part one

Part two

Part three

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it’s the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it’s okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; lack of medical knowledge (especially when it comes to "natural medicine"); bizarre focus on James’s virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; definite out of character moments for the twerps; Butch and Cassidy are probably out-of-character, too; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; bad ideas about romance; birthing scene; JAMES EATS THE PLACENTA (offscreen); ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

The next day, James found out something he really shouldn’t have to deal with in his condition.

He found out who had been driving the truck that hit Moltres.

He was at the convenience store with Jessie, buying diapers. There was no one in the store except for the girl working there and two old ladies.

Butch and Cassidy walked in. They saw James in the diaper section and couldn’t help tormenting him.

They didn’t know Jessie was nearby.

“So, James, how does it feel to not be a Moltres?” Cassidy said.

“Actually, you’re wrong. In the real fortune-telling book, I was still a Moltres. So how does it feel to know I don’t care about your insults?” James said.

“Well, you will care—after we tell you about the death of Moltres,” Butch said.

“What do you know or care about the death of Moltres?” James retorted.

“You know that truck that ran over Moltres? What was on the truck?” Cassidy said.

“A black ‘R’.”

“Haven’t you figured it out? We didn’t know until it happened. But we looked back and saw this giant yellow fiery chicken,” Butch said.

“You didn’t….” James said.

“Oh, yes, we did.”

“And you’re proud of it.” James’s tone was dark.

“Yeah, we sure are.” Cassidy laughed in James’s face.

Then Butch and Cassidy walked out, laughing evilly and somewhat hysterically. The two old ladies stared at them.

James was left in a state of shock. He paid for the diapers.

“Jessie, we have to leave the store, now,” James said. He saw Butch and Cassidy hanging around outside.

“Why? What’s the rush?” Jessie said.

“We just have to.”

Jessie thought Officer Jenny was there, or James was about to go into labor, so she followed James out.

“Where are you going?” said a froggy voice.

They turned around and saw Butch and Cassidy. Jessie realized why James wanted to leave.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk. Trying to run away. That’s not very Moltres-like,” Cassidy said.

“And what were you doing in the diaper aisle? Do you wear diapers?” Butch said.

“Wait, he doesn’t. But I bet he and Meowth got together and did it and the kitten needs it!” Cassidy said.

“I knew you looked like you gained weight,” Butch teased.

James turned red.

“Leave him alone. Does he really need you to deal with? He lost Moltres and he’s going to have a baby. Don’t you think you should just piss off?” Jessie turned to James. “Let’s go.”

“Coward!” Cassidy screamed.

Jessie turned around. “Who are you calling a coward?!”

James tugged on Jessie’s shirt sleeve. “Jess, we should go.”

They got in their unmarked van and drove away.

“They ran over Moltres,” James said flatly.

“They did?!”

James nodded solemnly.

They were silent.

“Why does Cassidy have to be such a bitch? Like, who does she think she is, insulting you like that—”

“Jessie….”

“What is her problem? She needs to just shut the fuck up.”

“Jessie….”

“Maybe I should give her a good beating next time she does that.”

“Jessie! I think it’s time!” James cried out.

Jessie sped up. “We’ll be home in a second,” she said.

They got to the cabin. Jessie got out the van. “Can you walk?” she asked James.

“I think so….” James got out of the van and doubled over.

“You can’t walk,” Jessie said.

She tried to help James, but he resisted. “I want to do it myself,” he said.

Jessie ignored him. She picked him up and went into the cabin. She put him down on the bed. Meowth walked in.

“What’s wrong with James?” he asked, sounding worried.

“He’s in labor. Call the doctor,” Jessie said.

She went back to James. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” James was almost in tears.

“Maybe the doctor could give you some painkillers when he gets here.”

“No, Jessie.”

Jessie looked at James. “You don’t want painkillers?”

“I’ve never needed any unnatural medicine in my life.”

“What?”

“Not all medicine is man-made, Jessie. Most of it is made out of plants. But I’ve only taken medicine that has no chemicals in it.”

“What about the times when there wasn’t any natural medicine?” Jessie said.

James’s eyes glazed over. “I managed without it.”

Jessie remembered all the times she called James weird for running out to get all those weird plants. She wouldn’t help him find the plants because she was working on their plans. Meowth, who thought dandelions were flowers, wouldn’t have been very helpful. So James had to go out alone and find the plants himself, while he was in pain. If he didn’t find the plant he needed, he would just come back and suffer. Meowth would try to comfort James, but Jessie made them both work, so they hardly had any time to rest.

If Jessie had known James was so uncomfortable, she wouldn’t have teased him.

“Natural medicine is better for him anyway.”

Both Jessie and James turned to the door to see who spoke. It was the same doctor who gave James the check-up.

The doctor went over to James, who was having another contraction. “Just breathe,” he said.

James was breathing, but it sounded more like sobbing.

“All right, you’re ready to push!” the doctor said.

Meanwhile, the twerps heard a scream.

“What was that?” Misty said, scared.

“I think it was a scream,” Brock said.

They ran, following the screaming.

Back at the cabin, James was experiencing childbirth.

“You’re almost there! I can see the head. Now, just push really, really hard this time!” the doctor said.

James screamed and pushed. That last push did it.

“Congratulations!” the doctor said. Everyone heard the baby cry.

James cried. “I wish Moltres was here to see his child.”

Unknown to James and the others, a yellow-clad figure with red-streaked yellow hair floated outside the window.

“Worry not, James,” the figure said mentally. “I did.”

James got the telepathic message and looked toward the window. The figure smiled at him. The next thing James knew, the figure turned into the spirit of Moltres and flew off. James’s eyes filled with tears of joy as he held his child.

The doctor went into the other room to talk to Jessie and Meowth. James sat in bed, feeding the child from his breast.

Team Twerp had watched the whole thing through the window.

“What the hell?!” Ash screamed.

“Shut up, Ash! He’ll hear you,” Misty said.

James looked up. “What are you twerps doing here?”

“James….What did you just do?” Misty asked.

Ash climbed through the window.

“Take another step and I’ll slap you with the umbilical cord.” James’s tone was dark and ominous.

“James, please don’t tell me you just gave birth to the child you’re holding,” Misty said.

“Fine. I won’t tell you.”

“I don’t think you should become a parent,” Ash said. “Maybe you should give the child up.”

“You’ll get this child when you pry her from my cold dead arms.”

“Who’s even the father?”

“Why would you care?”

The doctor came back in. “Who are these three?” he asked.

“No one important,” James said.

“Did he really give birth to that child?” Misty asked.

“Yes. I helped him,” the doctor said.

“Maybe you three should go now,” Meowth said.

The twerps left.

“You should get some rest. You’ve been through a lot today,” Jessie said to James.

James put the child in a basket.

“He’ll be a good Moltres Witness,” Meowth said.

“It’s a girl. Her name is Twilight,” James said.

The doctor took out a dried plant, a pestle, and a mortar. He ground the plant up and mixed it with water.

“Here, drink this. It’ll help get rid of the pain,” he said.

James drank the potion.

“Natural medicine never fails to do its job. It lasts longer than synthetic medicine,” the doctor said. “And I saved the placenta. You can eat it for strength later.”

“No wonder you was always so healthy,” Meowth said.

They were silent for a while. James finished drinking the medicine.

“I just realized something,” James said. He must’ve been feeling better. “I don’t think I can fit into my Moltres costume.”

Everyone but James face-faulted.

“Well, at least I can lose weight by catching Pokémon,” he continued.

“You can’t, at least, not yet. You should try not to do anything that physical for six weeks.”

“Six whole weeks?” James exclaimed.

“Six to eight weeks. And you should try to stay off your feet.”

James lay back down, sighing.

“Get some rest, James,” Meowth said, tucking James back into bed.

Then the doctor left and James went to sleep.

-O-o-O-

James sat, nursing the tiny blue-haired baby.

He loved his daughter, Twilight. “If only Moltres could see her….”

He suddenly got the urge to look at the window.

He looked and saw the spirit of Moltres, in human form.

“Hello, James,” Moltres said.

“Moltres! You’re here!” James cried.

He went over to the window.

Moltres noticed Twilight. “Is she our child?” he asked.

“Yes,” James said.

“She’s beautiful. Just like her man-mother,” Moltres said.

“Look, Twilight, this is your father,” James said, showing Twilight to Moltres, but not in a Michael Jackson-ish way.

“Now you don’t have to be sad about her not knowing her father,” Moltres said. He hugged James. “I must go now. Goodbye, James.”

“Goodbye, Moltres.”

-O-o-O-

Epilogue (editor's note: PRAISE THE MIGHTY MOLTRES THIS SHIT IS ENDING)

Jessie, James, Meowth, and Twilight live happily in their new house.

Jessie, James, and Meowth got a new job where they get paid $1,000 a week so they have money to buy a small house. They all quit Team Rocket to set a good example for Twilight.

The twerps are not at war with Team Rocket anymore. They live next door to Jessie, James, and Meowth and visit them regularly.

Butch and Cassidy will probably feel the flames of Moltres and not in a good way.

James still goes to the temple of Moltres. He takes Twilight there, so she knows how great her father was.

James is an official Moltres Witness convert. He hopes Twilight will follow in her parents’ footsteps.

And as for Moltres, well, he’s out there. Moltres may just be reincarnated. James was never sure of that.

But he’s bound to find out!

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Eat the placenta.

E A T ~ I T ~ F O R ~ S T R E N G T H

James and Meowth Do A Fluffy Experiment

That last story was a bit of a downer. I'm posting a fluffy fic this time around.

This fic contains:  Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (warning because some people might be disturbed by it, even though Meowth can consent in this story); unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; lack of medical knowledge; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; odd ideas about romance; Dr. Fuji is miraculously alive somehow; unusual usage of words at times

-O-o-O-o-O-

Meowth went into the bedroom. It had been a long day and he just wanted to sit around and watch TV. Team Rocket’s latest plan failed. That little twerp, Ash, sent them blasting off again.

Meowth heard James come in.

James was the one reason Meowth stayed with Team Rocket. Meowth secretly loved James.

He saw James walk into the bedroom. He looked at James’s long, graceful legs.

James saw Meowth and smiled at him. It was a sort of small, shy smile. James had been shy around Meowth lately.

James got in bed. Meowth didn’t blame him for wanting to go to bed. It was 11:00 PM and James had gotten up at 6:00 AM that day.

Jessie came in. “Where’s James?” she asked.

“He’s in bed,” Meowth said.

“Okay, then. I won’t wake him up.” Jessie left.

Meowth sat, watching James sleep. He thought of kissing him in his sleep, but then he thought, “That’s not right.”

“Someday, I’ll tell him I love him,” Meowth vowed.

-O-o-O-

James got up, got dressed, and fixed breakfast.

He sat and waited for Meowth and Jessie to get up.

Meowth walked into the kitchen.

James felt like kissing Meowth. He was madly in love with Meowth. If James were also a cat, he would want to have Meowth’s kittens.

Little did he know, he’d get the chance.

After everyone had come to breakfast and eaten, they got a call from Team Rocket labs. They wanted to see James and Meowth.

They went to the labs. Jessie had come with them, but she wasn’t allowed to come in. She had to wait in the lobby.

James and Meowth went into the room where Dr. Fuji was waiting. He gave them a pill.

“Here. This is for our new experiment. James, you take this pill. Meowth, you have sexual intercourse with James. We’re trying to see if humans can have Pokémon offspring,” Dr. Fuji explained.

James was nervous, but happy. He would get to sleep with Meowth, and possibly confess his love to him!

James didn’t think the pill would actually work.

Meowth was happy. Maybe James would see how much he loved him while they were having sex.

They went home.

“What did he want to talk to you about?” Jessie asked.

“He wanted us to do an experiment to see if humans can have babies with Pokémon,” Meowth said.

“That’s weird, but okay. Which one of you is going to take the pill?”

“I am,” James said.

Jessie knew James had a crush on Meowth and Meowth had a crush on James.

“Good luck,” Jessie said.

“Thanks,” James said.

-O-o-O-

It was 9:00 PM. Meowth was waiting for James to get ready to do the experiment.

James was in the bathroom, staring at the pill in the bag. He wasn’t sure he wanted to do this.

“James, are you in there?” Jessie asked.

“Yes,” James said softly.

“What are you doing in there?”

“Taking the pill.”

“Are you almost finished?”

“No, I haven’t taken it yet.”

“Why not? Are you all right in there?”

“No.”

“What’s wrong?”

James opened the door a crack. Jessie could see he had been crying.

“I can’t do this, Jessie. I’m too nervous,” James said.

“You’ll get over it,” Jessie said.

“I’m afraid of what will happen. I know it’s unlikely, but what if it works? Meowth will think I’m a slut and—”

“James, why would he think you’re a slut if he did it to you? You can do this. Meowth is in there, waiting for you. I bet he’s probably nervous, too. But you’ll do just fine with this experiment.”

James smiled. “Thanks, Jess.”

“You should take that pill and confess your love to Meowth.”

James took the pill and went into the bedroom.

“Are you ready?” Meowth asked.

“I guess,” James said.

James got into bed with Meowth.

“James, I really love you. If this experiment works, I will be there for you all the way,” Meowth said.

“I-I love you, too,” James said shyly.

There was an awkward silence.

“What if it doesn’t work?” James asked.

“Then we’ll have better luck next time,” Meowth said.

This puzzled James, but then Meowth said, “Let’s do this.”

James smiled shyly at Meowth. He forgot about his nervousness.

Meowth deflowered James for the rest of the night.

-O-o-O-

James woke up quietly the next morning.

“Was that all a dream?” he thought.

He saw Meowth in bed next to him and realized it wasn’t a dream.

He didn’t know what time they had to report back to the lab, but he was sure he had to do it that day.

“Meowth, wake up,” James whispered.

“Huh? What’s happening?” Meowth was still half asleep.

“Do we have to go to the lab anytime soon today?” James asked.

“I don’t know,” Meowth said.

Their phone rang. James got out of bed and answered it.

“Hello?” he said.

“James, you and Meowth have to report to the lab soon,” Dr. Fuji said.

“Okay, we’re on our way,” James said.

After they hung up, James and Meowth got washed up and dressed really fast. They told Jessie where they were going and went out the door. They got to the lab five minutes early.

“James, come in here for your test,” Dr. Fuji said.

James went in. When he came out, they were analyzing the results.

“James, Meowth, we have your test results now,” Dr. Fuji said.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: "Deflowered" doesn't mean what you seem to think it means, thirteen!me. Also, Dr. Fuji is dead. You should know this.

Level Nineteen and Pregnant: A Pokémon crackfic

For a change, here's a recent fic. Hopefully, it's not a badfic.

Of course, it contains blueshipping and mpreg. And TMI from Meowth.

-O-o-O-o-O-

James fidgeted on top of the toilet lid, but kept his eyes locked on the plastic stick in his hands. The suspense was worse than waiting for a blastoff. "Has it been a minute yet?"

Meowth checked the stopwatch. "Not even close." He glanced up at James. "Jimmy, don'tcha know a watched pee stick never turns?"

James's gaze never shifted. "That only applies to pots. Besides, I want to see the exact second the blue line appears."

Meowth scratched his head. "What difference does that make?"

James pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Maybe the speed at which it appears will indicate whether or not this test is even reliable." He sighed. "I really don't want to tell HQ's doctors about this."

Meowth reread the test's packaging. "It does say 'Ninety-nine percent more accurate than other brands.'" He blinked at the tagline. "Maybe I shoulda swiped some of those other brands."

James shook his head, as if to clear it. "The clerks would want to know what a Pokémon wanted with human pregnancy tests. We'll work with the one we've got." He hazarded a glance at the stopwatch. "Has it been a minute yet?"

Meowth checked and shook his head. "Thirty seconds left."

"What is taking you so long—oh." Jessie stopped short when she saw the box in Meowth's paws. "This certainly complicates our mission."

"Tell me something I don't know." James fidgeted again, then sat up straight. "It's changing! How much time is left?"

The beeping of the stopwatch was his answer. Meowth was on his shoulder in seconds. "What's it say?"

James squinted at the test's screen. "It's….half a blue line? That can't be right." He skimmed the instruction sheet. "Thin line, thick line, two lines, no lines—they say nothing about half-lines!"

Meowth examined the test. "Maybe this one's defective." He put the test down.

Jessie grabbed the test and examined it further. "I don't see any signs of damage. Are you sure you followed all the instructions?"

"Positive," James said. "I peed all over the blasted thing!"

Jessie dropped the test as fast as she'd picked it up. "If only Meowth were that thorough about Poké-protection."

"Hey! I double-bagged my meat," Meowth protested.

Jessie glared. "Mew damn it, Meowth! You're not supposed to use two condoms at once!"

"You're not?!" both Meowth and James asked, surprised.

"Not unless you want them to tear from rubbing together." Jessie gave an annoyed sigh. "This is why we need Sex Ed as part of Team Rocket training."

James squinted at the half line again—had it lengthened?— and asked, "So, Jess, could I be half-pregnant?"

Jessie only face-palmed. "Let me see those instructions."

While she read the instruction sheet, Meowth mused over his newfound knowledge. "Come to think of it, maybe I got the wrong kind." He looked up at Jessie. "Do they come in different sizes?"

"Of course," Jessie said. "Some pocket rockets blast off further than others."

"And some have a French tickler head," Meowth boasted. James gave a weak nervous laugh.

"Too much information, Meowth." Jessie continued to read through the instructions. "You dingbats, you're supposed to wait two minutes for it to work, not one!"

"Mew's Tongue," James swore before sliding off the toilet to vomit into it. Jessie went to hold his hair back.

"I guess we don't need that test anymore," Meowth said.

"He could just be nervous. Two minutes have probably passed by now. Go check the test," Jessie told him.

Meowth picked the test up and looked at the screen. The line had lengthened to reach the other end of the screen. "Well, there's the thick blue line."

Both Jessie and James's shoulders sagged. "Seriously?"

"As blue as James's hair."

James wiped his mouth. "It's lavender."

-O-o-O-o-O-

Blueshipping, why can't I quit you?

James and Meowth Do A Fluffy Experiment (part two of two)

This story is slightly less fluffy when you remember that they're having the kitten as part of an experiment for a criminal organization that has mistreated their test subjects, but thirteen!me did not write by that logic.

Also, it seems that Jessie kinda forgot the conversation she had with James the previous night. She probably remembered the Iron Fleet, though.

Part one is here.

This fic contains:  Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (warning because some people might be disturbed by it, even though Meowth can consent in this story); unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; bizarre focus on James's virginity (it disturbs me how often this shows up in these warnings); lack of medical knowledge; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth (weepy!James and generic boyfriend!Meowth are back); odd ideas about romance; Dr. Fuji is miraculously alive somehow (and also out-of-character); weird plot inconsistencies; "deflowered" doesn't mean what thirteen!me seems to think it means; boomer humor pregnancy gags; HOLY SHIT I REMEMBERED MONDO EXISTS?

-O-o-O-o-O-

Jessie was watching TV when James and Meowth came in.

“James, how did the test go?” she asked.

James was crying. He didn’t seem to have heard her. He ran into the bedroom, crying.

“James, wait! Please let me talk to you!” Meowth said.

Jessie knocked on the bedroom door. “Can I come in?” she asked.

“Yes,” James said.

Jessie came in. “What happened? Why are you crying?” she asked.

James sniffled for a while, then answered. “The experiment worked and now I’m pregnant,” he said.

“Meowth did that to you?!”

“Yes.”

“Weren’t you a virgin before?”

“Yes, but he had to do it. We would lose our jobs if we didn’t,” James said.

“But didn’t you value your virginity?”

“Yes, sort of. But that doesn’t matter. What am I going to do about the kitten?”

“I think you should just rest now. I’ll go talk with Meowth.”

Jessie went back into the living room. “Meowth! Shame on you!”

“What did I do?”

“You deflowered James!”

“But I had to. And I love him!”

“You do? It’s not just lust?”

“Yeah. Got a problem with that?”

“No. It’s okay, then.”

They heard soft snoring from the bedroom.

“I hope James will let me talk to him when he wakes up,” Meowth said.

-O-o-O-

James woke up about two hours later. He just lay there in bed, thinking about this whole mess.

He was going to have Meowth’s kitten.

Meowth came in. “James….I’m sorry for doing this to you. You probably had other plans to do this with someone else. If you don’t forgive me, I’ll understand,” Meowth said.

“You don’t need to apologize. I love you. I had other plans, but they were plans with you. Actually, they were just dreams that I thought would never happen. So it’s okay. I’m glad I did this with you,” James said.

“Are you sure we don’t just have a crush on each other?”

“No, I’m sure it’s true love.”

Meowth decided to just agree with James on that one. Usually James was right about things like this.

They knew they’d be able to make it through this ordeal.

-O-o-O-

The kitten would be born after nine weeks. James and Meowth got married.

The kitten would be small, so James probably wouldn’t show very much.

Fortunately for James, he didn’t get morning sickness. But he did get mood swings and weird cravings.

Skipping to the fourth week of pregnancy, Jessie and Meowth were staring at James while he was getting a snack.

“What is that?” Meowth asked.

“Beef jerky with peanut butter,” James answered.

“James….Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” Meowth asked.

“I’m fine, Meowth.”

Another time, Meowth tried to kiss James on the lips.

“What are you doing?” James asked.

“Kissing you.”

James didn’t look very happy about it. In fact, he looked frustrated. He let out a frustrated sigh and walked away.

“What did I do?” Meowth said.

“Well, you have been trying to make out with him a lot. Maybe you’re crowding him,” Jessie said.

Meowth decided to give James some space for a while. After an hour, he just couldn’t take it. He had to go see James.

He found James in tears, in the bedroom.

“James, why are you crying?” Meowth asked.

“I’m so sorry if I hurt you. I’m just scared.”

Meowth hugged James.

“You don’t have to be scared. It’s okay. I’m here for you, Jimmy,” Meowth said.

-O-o-O-

James was a little over nine weeks pregnant. He was only a little bigger, but he still wore a maternity shirt. He also still wore his Team Rocket uniform boots.

“Don’t your feet get hot in those boots?” Jessie asked.

“Yes, but I don’t want anyone to see my swollen ankles,” James said. He felt ready to give birth to the kitten any minute.

One day, Mondo came over.

“The lab sent me over to check on all of you. It’s about the experiment,” Mondo said. “What exactly is this experiment, again?”

“Well….It’s sort of weird. James and Meowth did it and I just watched, so I think they should explain it,” Jessie said.

“Where is James, anyway? I haven’t seen him for over two months.”

“There’s an explanation for that.”

They turned around and saw James, standing in the doorway.

“He’s wearing a maternity shirt,” Mondo whispered to Jessie.

“I know,” Jessie whispered back.

“That experiment that Meowth and I did was an experiment to see if humans could have babies with Pokémon. And it worked,” James said.

“Congratulations, James!” Mondo said happily.

“Thanks, I guess,” James said.

“Why aren’t you excited?” Mondo asked.

“I don’t know if I can handle it,” James said.

“Of course you can handle it!” Mondo said.

“Yeah, Mondo’s right! You can do anything you set your mind to, James,” Jessie said.

James smiled shyly. “Thanks for the support,” he said quietly.

“You deserve it,” Mondo said.

-O-o-O-

James went into labor the next day. The scientists at the lab helped him give birth.

“It’s a girl,” James said to Meowth.

“What’s her name?” Meowth asked.

“Her number is #0775,” Dr. Fuji said.

James looked Dr. Fuji straight in the eye. “She has to have a name,” he said solidly.

Dr. Fuji was somewhat unnerved. “All right, then. What’s her name?”

“Her name is Willow.”

James got to keep his kitten with Meowth.

-O-o-O-

Epilogue

James and Meowth are living happily together with Jessie. Their daughter, Willow, is very smart. Mondo visits them.

They all quit Team Rocket. They got jobs with decent salaries.

The twerps don’t blast them off anymore.

The trio was meant to be happy after all.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the Story: If you have a baby as an experiment for a criminal organization, they'll totally let you name them and won't immediately whisk them away. They'll even let you keep the kid if you quit!

At least they didn't make James eat the placenta.

The Angsty Domestic Life of Team Rocket: WTFcats (part one of three)

And we're back in the dark. Or at least a passing shadow. This starts off with standard-issue angst, then veers into what-the-fuckery toward the second chapter.

Also, so many unexplained talking Meowth OCs. WHY.

Warnings: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (this time with an OC talking Meowth); unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; workplace violence; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; general angst; lack of medical and scientific knowledge; original characters; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; odd ideas about romance

-O-o-O-o-O-

The Meowth kitten packed her things. She wanted to get as far away from that place as she could. Her parents got blasted into the troposphere almost every day, her younger brother cried almost nonstop, wanting his man-mother, and she was considered a freak of nature.

The Meowth kitten’s name was Methidy. She was an unusual kitten. Her parents were a male Meowth and a human male. They were testing out a drug for Team Rocket scientists. The drug could make humans produce Pokémon offspring. The experiment worked and she and her younger brother, Methoni, were the results of it.

She looked unusual for a Meowth kitten, too. Instead of having grey eyes and cream-colored fur like her father, she had green eyes and bluish violet hair like her mother.

No matter how much her parents, James and another talking Meowth, said that the blue fur was pretty, their teammate Jessie always said, “It’s still pretty freaky.”

Methidy knew her parents loved her. But she just couldn’t stay in that hellhole any longer.

-O-o-O-

The next day, James found a note on his dresser. When he read it, he passed out.

When he came to, Matalico, his boyfriend (another talking Meowth), and Meowth were sitting next to him, wiping his face with a wet rag.

“I read the note, James,” Matalico said.

“What did the note say?” Meowth asked.

James gave Meowth the note. It read:

“Dear Mom and Dad:

I’m leaving the house. I can’t stand to be here anymore. It’s too painful with Jessie calling me a freak. I’ll send you an address and phone number when I find a place to live.

Your daughter, Methidy. P.S. I love you both.”

“This is just plain sad. I hope we can find her,” Meowth said.

“Why are our children growing up to be like me? I don’t want them to have to go through all of what I did,” James said between sobs.

“They’re like you because you had them and raised them. It’s just hereditary. Besides, you managed. Maybe Methidy will, too,” Matalico said.

“At least we know she still loves us,” James said.

-O-o-O-

Later that day, Methoni said his first words.

“Run away,” Methoni said quietly.

“Matalico! Methoni’s talking!” James cried.

Matalico ran over to the two.

“Run away,” the kitten repeated slightly more loudly.

Then he ran in circles saying, “Run away!” over and over again.

When he finally stopped, James picked him up and cradled him, with tears in his eyes.

“Even Methoni wants to leave,” he sobbed.

Matalico kind of felt guilty for being so proud of Methoni’s first words. James put his whole heart into being a parent and what did he get? Two kittens who just seem to want to run away.

Methoni didn’t really want to run away. He had just heard that phrase so often, he memorized it.

He would stick around when things got really bad.

-O-o-O-

One day, Team Rocket got a call from Giovanni.

When Matalico got off the phone, he looked so serious, James was shocked.

“They don’t need me anymore. So….they’re going to kill me,” Matalico said.

James was so shocked, he couldn’t even cry.

“But, Matalico….We need you….” James whispered.

“But they don’t.”

“They can’t!”

“Yes, they can. I’m no longer useful to them, James,” Matalico said.

The cruelty was enough to kill James, but somehow, it didn’t.

The next day, Team Rocket thugs came and took Matalico. An hour later, they threw his snow-covered body at the door of the cabin as James opened the door.

James screamed and cried as if he was being tortured, which he basically was. He couldn’t see how he could go on without Matalico.

Then things took a turn for the worse.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Go ahead, make your characters' names start with "Meth." You won't cringe half to death when you reread it twenty years later.

The Angsty Domestic Life of Team Rocket: Quite the Turn (part two of three)

Thirteen!me thought this story should be rated PG-13.

Thirteen!me was a goddamn idiot.

Part one is here.

Warnings: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; workplace violence and murder; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; general angst; lack of medical and scientific knowledge; drunk Giovanni smoking crack; original characters; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; self harm; odd ideas about romance and revenge; blood drinking (?!); FUCKING CANNIBALISM?!

-O-o-O-o-O-

It was a cold winter day. Meowth had decided to help James raise Methoni. Jessie still wanted them to think of plans to steal Pikachu and was being a slavedriver to them. Methoni was old enough to be able to understand their situation, but young enough for it to be better not to tell him.

That didn’t mean he didn’t know what was going on, which he did.

That day, James had come down with something because he and Jessie worked all day shoveling snow and burying Matalico. Meowth had to take care of Methoni because he and James didn’t want Methoni to get a cold.

Methoni was asking a lot of hard questions. The answers were too extreme so all Meowth could say was, “Let’s wait until you’re older.”

Then after literally twenty questions, Methoni asked the ultimate push-them-off-the-deep-end question: “What happened to my father and my sister?”

At that moment, James snapped.

He went into the bathroom, mumbling something about avenging Matalico’s death.

“I think he’s breaking down,” Meowth said.

-O-o-O-

James forced himself to vomit. He was punishing himself for letting Matalico die. Then he took a small razor and started to cut himself. After he made about ten cuts, he stopped.

He grabbed a pocketknife and climbed out of the bathroom window.

He ran to Giovanni’s headquarters. He broke into Giovanni’s office. The guards tried to catch him, but he was too fast for them.

When James arrived at Giovanni’s office, Giovanni was drunk and smoking crack.

“What do you want?” he yelled violently at James.

“I’m here because you killed Matalico!” James yelled.

Giovanni slapped James down with his ring hand. “I don’t care about that waste of a Meowth,” he said.

James took out the pocketknife and stabbed Giovanni.

When Giovanni finally stopped breathing, the guards came in and looked shocked.

“Don’t tell anyone about this if you know what’s good for you,” James said.

“Hey, take it easy, babe. We want to thank you for that. He was a slavedriver,” one of the guards said.

“You’re welcome,” James said.

When the guards left, James trashed the surveillance camera. He locked the door. He had killed Giovanni, but his work was far from over.

He poked a hole in one of Giovanni’s legs. Blood poured out of the hole. James collected the blood in a cup.

James cut off pieces of Giovanni’s flesh and began to eat it. The taste didn’t faze him; he’d eaten some pretty weird things when he was pregnant with Methoni.

After eating about a quarter of Giovanni’s flesh, James collected more blood. He began to drink the blood.

When he was done, he cleared away the remains of Giovanni. He had become dazed after doing that little cannibal homicide thing. It was probably because he had never eaten human flesh before. He had drank blood before, but it wasn’t human blood. Every time he, Jessie, and Meowth accidentally killed a Pokémon when they blasted off, James would stab the Pokémon and drink its blood to honor it. Jessie and Meowth knew about this habit; Jessie thought it was weird and Meowth thought it was brave.

James cleaned the blood off his clothing and face. He had to admit, he was pretty cute. That was why the guard had called him “babe.” He hoped they wouldn’t try to make him “do things” with them. He didn’t want to insult the ghost of Matalico.

James went back home. He entered the bathroom through the open window.

Then he realized what he’d done and started vomiting.

Meowth came in.

“James, are you okay?” he asked.

“What have I done?” James screamed.

“What do you mean?” Meowth said.

“Let’s just say, we don’t have a boss anymore.”

“What did….How did….?” Meowth wasn’t even finishing his sentences.

“I killed him.”

“What did you do with the body?” Meowth asked.

“I drank his blood and ate his flesh,” James answered, completely calm.

Meowth noticed the cuts on James’s arms. “Who did this to you?!” he asked, alarmed.

“I did,” James said.

Meowth looked at James sadly. He knew right away this was because Matalico was killed.

“You know what we have to do, don’t you?” he said.

“What?” James said.

“Turn you in.”

James screamed.

-O-o-O-

James woke up screaming.

It turned out it was all a nightmare.

He never killed Giovanni. He never drank Giovanni’s blood. He never went cannibal on Giovanni.

He had just fallen asleep in front of the toilet.

James remembered the horrible vision of Giovanni’s dead, rotting carcass. He rushed back to the toilet.

Meowth walked by. He heard James vomiting. He decided to leave James alone for a while.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, the fact that he was no longer dreaming hit James.

He realized it was the day after Matalico was killed.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Cannibalism and blood-drinking is no excuse for a messy appearance.

The Angsty Domestic Life of Team Rocket: Return of the Kitten (part three of three)

The conclusion. Things are calmer compared to James's fever dream in the last section. That isn't really saying much, though.

Part one is here.

Part two is here.

Warnings: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (this time with an OC talking Meowth); unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; general angst; lack of medical and scientific knowledge; original characters; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; bad ideas about romance; Doctor Proctor mention (that guy was a crap doctor); Star Wars cat ghost dad

-O-o-O-o-O-

Six hours later, James was still in the bathroom.

“He’s been in there an awful long time,” Jessie said.

“I hope he’s all right,” Meowth said.

Jessie went to the bathroom door. “James, are you in there?”

“Yes,” James answered.

“What are you doing in there?”

“Nothing.”

“I know you’re not doing just ‘nothing’ in there. Meowth said he heard you throwing up.”

“I’m okay now.”

Jessie went back into the living room. After she and Meowth talked, they decided to take James to Doctor Proctor.

-O-o-O-

Jessie and Meowth sat in the waiting room. They hoped nothing was wrong with James.

James came out.

“What did the doctor say?” Meowth said.

“We can go home now,” James said.

“That’s what he said?” Jessie said.

“I’ll tell you what he said when we get home,” James said.

Nobody said a word during the ride home.

The ride home seemed to last forever to Jessie and Meowth, partly because they really wanted to hear what the doctor said and partly because James was driving ten miles per hour. They also had to stop a few times to take care of Methoni, who was too young to be left at home alone.

When they finally got home, Jessie and Meowth couldn’t stand the suspense any longer.

“What did the doctor tell you? Is anything wrong?” Jessie asked.

“He said I’m pregnant again,” James said.

“Who’s the father?” Meowth asked.

“Matalico is the father. We did it just before we found out they were going to kill him,” James said.

Methoni had just woken up. “What happened?” he asked.

James forced a smile. “Guess what? You’re going to get a younger sibling,” he said gently.

“What’s a sibling?” Methoni asked.

“A sibling is a brother or sister,” James said.

“Yay! I’m gonna get a sibling!” Methoni said. He ran to the bedroom, cheering.

“He’s so happy. If only he could have his father and sister,” James said sadly.

This made Jessie feel guilty.

“I’m sorry I ever called Methidy those things! I didn’t think it would hurt her that badly! Now she’s run away and it’s all my fault!” she said.

“It’s okay. She’ll write to me and I’ll tell her you’re sorry,” James said.

-O-o-O-

It took nine weeks for a kitten to grow.

Skipping to the fourth week, James was getting mood swings and cravings.

Jessie and Meowth could only stare at James when they saw him eating weird food.

As for his mood swings, they could get weird at times. For example, they were watching TV when a telephone commercial came on. It happened to be a romantic commercial, too. James saw it and burst into tears.

“James! What’s wrong?” Meowth was worried.

“It’s just so romantic. It reminds me of Matalico,” James said, wiping tears.

They were silent for a while until they heard James gasp.

“What is it?” Jessie asked.

James looked blissfully happy. “The kitten just moved.”

“That’s wonderful!” Meowth said.

Methoni, who was sitting quietly and watching the TV, jumped up and ran to James’s side to feel him. Jessie and Meowth watched as James explained what was happening to Methoni.

“He’s actually a better mother than my mom was,” Jessie said.

“It’s so sad the boss had to hurt the family like that,” Meowth thought to himself.

But James handled it.

-O-o-O-

James was nine weeks pregnant. He was only a little bigger (Meowth kittens were smaller than human babies), but he still wore maternity clothes. Methoni, Meowth, and Jessie were really curious to see how the kitten would turn out.

While James was waiting for the kitten, he was also waiting for a letter from Methidy.

One day, he got that letter. It said:

“Dear Mom and Dad (and Methoni),

I found a place to live. It’s really close to where you live. The address is 666th street, House 13.

How are Jessie and Meowth?

Love, Methidy.”

James’s eyes filled with tears. Meowth saw James crying.

“What’s wrong, James? Why are you crying?” he asked.

“I just got a letter from Methidy,” James said. He wiped away tears.

“What does it say?” Meowth asked.

“She gave an address.” James handed him the letter.

Meowth read the letter.

“Hey, that’s only two blocks away,” he said.

“Do you think I should go over there and get her?” James said.

“I don’t know. I think we should ask her first,” Meowth said.

James went into the bedroom to lie down and think about it. Meowth followed him.

Suddenly, James sat straight up. “Meowth….” He started.

“Yes, James?” Meowth said.

“I think my water broke,” James said calmly.

Meowth ran to call the doctor. Jessie kept Methoni out of the bedroom.

About two hours after the doctor came, James gave birth to a Meowth kitten. It was a girl. She had cream-colored fur and bright green eyes.

James was crying. The kitten’s green eyes looked exactly like Methidy’s eyes.

“I wish Methidy could see her new baby sister and how much Methoni has grown up,” James sobbed.

“I can,” a voice said.

James looked up. Standing in the doorway, next to Jessie was Methidy.

“Oh my gods….” James began to cry again.

Methidy walked over to James. They both hugged.

Matalico’s spirit was floating outside the window.

“I knew she’d come back someday,” he said to himself.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you're going to run away, try to get further than two blocks.

Jessie Drugs James and Is Generally Abusive: Hurt Without Much Comfort (part one of four)

Another darkfic. I had almost forgotten I'd written this (those repressed memories wouldn't cooperate).

I'm slowly realizing that I wrote a lot of hurt/comfort and whump fic before I even knew there was a term for it.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; abuse; workplace violence; depiction of medical issues and injuries; poisoning by chemicals or drugging; forcible injection; out-of-character behavior for James and Meowth; absolute character assassination of Jessie; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

It all started when Jessie decided we had to work harder and look more threatening so people would be scared of us. That meant we had to look good and not ghetto.

That meant cleaning the van.

All she did was shove a bucket of some cleaning liquid in our faces. It smelled like ass.

"What is this crap?" I said.

"It's a special chemical blend," Jessie said. Then she went to work on our plan.

At the time I didn't know what was going on. I thought this was just another way to improve Team Rocket that probably wouldn't work.

It wasn't.

-O-o-O-

We were cleaning the van for about a half an hour when James started coughing.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I don't know. I just don't feel good," James said weakly.

"Maybe it's the chemicals," I said.

At that point, James fainted.

I ran to get Jessie. "James just fainted!" I screamed. "Help him!"

We went to James. He was unconscious and motionless.

"Speak to me! Do something!" I yelled.

Jessie just said, "He'll live," and walked away.

I couldn't believe it. I just stood there. Had she lost her mind?

(James's point of view)

I came to in our tent. I was lying on my sleeping bag. Meowth was sitting nearby.

"What happened?" I asked.

Meowth ran over to me and hugged me. "You fainted," he said. He was crying. I didn't know why he was crying at the time.

"Why are you crying?" I asked. It hurt me to see Meowth unhappy or crying.

"I'm just happy you're conscious. Now get some rest," Meowth said. He exited the tent.

I lay in bed, alone in the tent. The only reason why Meowth would be crying is if something happened.

"Something could've happened to Jessie!" I thought.

I was almost panicking. I tried to sit up, but was hit by a sudden rush of nausea. I lay back down, but it didn't improve. I sat up again and threw up.

I slept for about three hours after that.

Even thought Meowth came into the tent again, I didn't ask him why he was crying. I thought he would be upset or hurt.

I was also scared. Maybe it was something Jessie was trying to do to me. She did make us clean the van with some strange chemicals.

She was trying to drug me.

(Meowth's point of view)

The day after the van incident, I saw something that nearly frightened me.

It also gave me a clue to what Jessie put in the cleaning liquid.

I was sitting outside the tent. James was inside the tent, resting. He had been resting a lot after the incident with the cleaning liquid.

Or maybe he had been training that homicidal Victreebel.

Anyway, Jessie came in. She was holding a syringe with a needle. What could that be for, I thought.

I watched with curiosity, then fear. Jessie stuck the needle in James's left arm.

James sat up quickly. His bluish-violet hair was ruffled because he'd been sleeping. His bright green eyes were glazed over.

He stared at Jessie for a few seconds, then passed out.

I went into the tent after Jessie left.

"Wake up, James," I said softly.

James opened his eyes halfway.

"What happened?" James asked softly.

"I saw Jessie inject something into you. It made you faint," I said. I didn't know if James would believe me or if he would think I was putting down Jessie, but I had to tell him the truth.

He didn't believe it.

"It….it must have been something else that caused the fainting," James whispered.

"No, I'm pretty sure it was the injection," I said quietly.

James began to cry as if his heart had been broken.

In a way, it had been.

-O-o-O-

I saw something I never thought I would see.

Jessie was forcing James to take some pills. James was refusing. Ever since he was drugged with the needle, he'd been feeling unwell.

Jessie took out the syringe. She dissolved the pills in water and put it in the syringe. She injected the drug into James. James pulled away and ended up collapsing on the ground.

As soon as Jessie walked away, I dragged James inside the tent. He sat up weakly.

"Meowth….Was I dreaming? Did I just have a nightmare about Jessiebelle? Am I hallucinating?" James asked weakly.

"It was real, and it was Jessie," I said.

James didn't look like he in any condition to resist the truth. In fact, he looked like he would faint from shock.

James also looked hurt. I didn't know what to do.

"But why?" he asked.

All I could say was, "I don't know."

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: The D.A.R.E. program did strange things to twelve!me's brain.

Jessie Drugs James and Is Generally Abusive: Jessie Evolves Into a Poison Type Pokémon (part two of four)

Another installment of "Reasons I'm Glad I Instinctively Had a 'Lurk More' Mentality as a Kid." Featuring "What the Fuck Was Up with Twelve!me?"

Part one is here.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; abuse; workplace violence; questionable depiction of medical issues and injuries; possibly uncomfortable discussions of romance; angst over romantic orientation that might hit too close to home; poisoning by chemicals or drugging; forcible injection; sexual abuse; suicidal ideation; attempted murder plot; Pokémon/Human romantic (maybe?) relationship; out-of-character behavior for James and Meowth; absolute character assassination of Jessie; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic (this isn't even the worst of it)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

Lately, I noticed James acting differently. When he was around Jessie, he wouldn't look at her or talk to her. If she talked to him, he'd burst into silent, but violent tears.

Then one day, he asked me for advice about something that surprised me, but sort of didn't. This was probably the bravest thing James did because he was so shy about romance.

"Meowth? What do I do if….I-I love another boy?" James asked.

"What?" I said.

"I'm in love with another boy," James said softly.

"Who?" I asked. James looked away suddenly. He was probably afraid to say it. "Okay, you don't have to tell me."

"I don't know how it started. I can't even remember when it started." James managed to say this and then broke down into tears.

"I don't even want to have these feelings," James sobbed. "I don't want to fall in love."

"Why don't you want to fall in love?" I asked.

"What if the person I'm in love with hates me? What if they think there's something horribly wrong with me for falling in love with them? What if they abuse me? What if they act like I'm not there? And if I get married, what if they make me do….forbidden things with them?" James began wiping away tears again.

"But don't you want to be happy when you're in love?" I asked.

"I won't be happy if I'm in love! I'm not ready to fall in love. I just want to take care of you," James said.

"Are there any other reasons why you don't want to fall in love?" I asked.

"I-I'm still afraid of being tied to someone," James whispered.

I could understand why. With all that Jessiebelle put him through, no wonder James was afraid of romance.

I didn't blame him for fearing love.

-O-o-O-

Another very unexpected thing happened. It frightened me.

It also proved how crazy Jessie was.

James was sitting in the tent. Jessie came in with a medicine cup. It was filled halfway. The liquid in it was a weird cream-colored white.

"Meowth, go outside," Jessie said.

"Why?" I asked.

"James and I have business," she said.

I went outside. What business could Jessie have with James?

I saw a small opening I could look through. I peeked in and didn't believe what I saw.

James was holding the medicine cup and eyeing it suspiciously.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Your medicine. What else?" Jessie acted like James was on drugs or something.

"I'm not on any medication," James said.

"Just drink it."

"No."

I must've tuned out because I heard a cry from James.

"Get off me! Stop it! I don't want it!" James yelled.

Jessie was sexually abusing James!

Jessie stuck the needle full of liquid in James's arm. James fell unconscious.

As soon as Jessie left, I went in to see James.

"Wake up," I said softly. James didn't move.

"Wake up," I said loudly. James still didn't move.

"Wake up, James! Say something!" I was crying and yelling.

James opened his eyes. He looked sad and serious. He almost looked hurt.

"So it was Jessie, wasn't it, Meowth?" James said. His voice was breaking and he sounded like he was going to cry.

"Yes," I said.

I wished I hadn't said that because James began to cry quietly. I hated to see James so unhappy.

The fact that it was Jessie who was hurting him made it worse.

-O-o-O-

I was coming out of the tent the day after the "medicine" incident. James wasn't in his sleeping bag, so I decided to look for him. I found him sitting near the river.

He was picking off the petals of a rose. I could hear him saying, "He loves me, he loves me not."

When he picked off the last petal, he said, "He loves me not." He sighed sadly and threw away the stem.

After a while, James shuddered violently. He looked into the river at his reflection.

"I'm such a failure. I don't blame Jessie for trying to drug some sense into me," he whispered. I could hear the tears in his voice. "I should end it now."

"Don't do it!" I yelled. I ran over to James, crying. I hugged him. "Don't kill yourself. Don't do it. I love you."

James hugged me back. I was crying with my mouth open, so I got to taste James's tears. They were weirdly sweet.

Just like James.

When we finished crying, I looked at James. I never realized how beautiful he was before. His silky hair was a rare violet color. For some reason, a thin clump of hair hung down in front of his face, which was so cute. His green eyes shone like emeralds. He was slender with delicate hands and feet. His skin was smooth and soft against my fur.

I envied the boy he loved.

(James's point of view)

The next day was the day everything went wrong.

Jessie told Meowth to get out of the tent. Meowth obeyed.

I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I always got that feeling when I was alone with Jessie. I wished Meowth wasn't so obedient sometimes.

Jessie handed a bottle to me. It had black liquid in it.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Poison. Put it in Meowth's food. Pour half of it in," Jessie said.

I swallowed so I wouldn't throw up.

"Will it kill him?" I asked.

"Of course it will! It wouldn't be poison if it didn't," Jessie said.

"Will he notice?" I managed to say.

"He'll die in his sleep," Jessie said.

That night, before I cooked dinner, I was driving myself crazy about it. When I left the camp, Jessie asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to get some firewood," I said.

I was out of Jessie's sight. I was about to go look for the firewood when I remembered I had the bottle of poison in my pocket.

I looked at the bottle in a daze. I couldn't kill Meowth. But I didn't want to go against Jessie's orders. I decided to dump the poison out secretly.

I knelt down and dug a small hole, about the size of Meowth. Then I got a disturbing thought.

What if I drank the poison?

I opened the bottle. The poison smelled awful, worse than the cleaning liquid. I couldn't do it. I poured the poison into the hole I dug. I'm not suicidal and I'm not a killer.

I put a rock in the hole and buried it. I used another rock as a marker.

At dinner, Meowth was quiet. Did he know what Jessie wanted me to do? Meowth didn't look scared. He looked worried.

Good, I thought. He doesn't need to be scared.

I do.

When we went to bed, Jessie asked me where the poison bottle was. I handed her the empty bottle.

"Good. It'll work better since you used all of it," she said.

I couldn't sleep. I really wasn't feeling well after lying to Jessie. I decided to run away with Meowth and turn Jessie in to a mental institution.

I set my alarm for 2:00 AM.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Meowth picks the worst times to have romantic thoughts. Also, he likes the taste of James's tears.

Jessie Drugs James and Is Generally Abusive: Team Rocket Gets Dramatic and Not in the Fun Way (part three of four)

It's becoming apparent that twelve!me was processing some weird things when she wrote this. Nothing as bad as what Jessie, James, and Meowth are going through, but enough that this got committed to paper (that's not all that gets committed in this fic god damn it I hate my thoughts sometimes).

Part one is here.

Part two is here.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; abuse mentions; questionable depiction of medical and psychological issues; shaky understanding of mental institutions; possibly uncomfortable thoughts on the nature of relationships; general angst; Jessie uses the r-slur; James uses the r-slur; hinting at a Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; out-of-character behavior for James and Meowth; absolute character assassination of Jessie; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic (it's spreading to Meowth)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

James's alarm went off early. I heard it.

"Why are you up so early?" I whispered.

"Quiet, Meowth. Pretend you're dead," James whispered.

I didn't know why he wanted me to do this at the time, but I did it anyway. I almost went back to sleep. I heard James packing our bags and tents.

"Where are you going?" I heard Jessie ask.

"To bury him," James said.

To bury him?!

I opened my eyes slightly. Jessie had gone back to sleep. James put his backpack on and put my backpack on me. I looked around. Only Jessie's tent was up.

James started running. It started to rain. It was extra cold because we were up so early.

I saw a town. James slowed and then stopped.

"We made it," I heard him say. James fell to his knees. He was obviously very tired from running so early.

James began to cry. "Don't worry, James. Whatever it is, it'll probably work out," I said, trying to comfort him.

"I hope so, Meowth. I hope so."

-O-o-O-

We got into a motel even though it was so early. James and I closed the curtains in our room and locked the door. We got in bed.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Jessie wanted me to poison you," James said. He swallowed, probably at what he was asked to do.

"And?" I asked, trying to sound calm.

"I couldn't and didn't," James said.

That's a relief, I thought. My next thought was: Wait a minute, no that's not!

"James? Did you drink any of the poison?" I asked.

"No. I was thinking about it, but the smell was so vile, I poured it into a hole and buried it," James said.

"What if Jessie finds us?"

"She won't. I'm turning her in to the mental institution."

"But….she's our friend."

"I don't care." James's voice broke. He started to cry quietly.

"Maybe if you turn her into the mental institution, you'll save her from being arrested. So you won't be betraying her," I said.

James smiled warmly at me. It was like the sun came out. "That's so sweet of you, Meowth," he said softly.

"Anything to soothe your pain, James," I said.

(James's point of view)

The day we got into the motel was the day we turned Jessie in.

I'll leave out the horrible details: the fight, the hitting, the scratching, the screaming.

The last I heard from Jessie before they put her in the truck was these words: "I'll get you, James and Meowth! Even if it's the last thing I do!"

Our motel was near the mental institution, so we could visit Jessie easily.

I wasn't sure I wanted to.

This was exactly why I didn't want to fall in love. I knew I'd get hurt. I was stupid for a second to think I wouldn't. If Jessie, who I thought was my best friend, could hurt me so badly, how much damage could a boyfriend do? Especially a boyfriend who might be my other best friend and someone I was ordered to kill? I couldn't fall further in love. I couldn't risk getting hurt again.

As I was thinking this, a feeling of hate and pain was overcoming me. I wanted to hate Jessie for putting me through all of this. I wanted to hate myself for turning her in. I wanted to hate myself for loving who I did.

I remembered a time when I had no reason to hate anyone except for Jessiebelle.

Remembering that time brought tears to my eyes. The tears washed away the hate and healed the pain.

I couldn't hate Jessie and I couldn't hate myself.

Because I was too busy loving Meowth.

(Meowth's point of view)

We waited a long time before we visited Jessie.

James spent a long time in the bathroom, staring at the wall before we visited. When I told him maybe we should go tomorrow, he said he might not have the courage to go the next day.

I still remember the fight Jessie started. I think she almost ripped off her straitjacket.

"What are you bitches doing here?" She practically yelled this.

"We're just making sure you're safe," James said. He was clutching his upper body with both arms.

"I was safe until you turned me in, traitor," Jessie said.

That didn't make any sense.

Next to me, James was trembling. The poor boy looked like he was going to run out of the room.

"I turned you in to save you," James whispered.

"Save me?! From what?"

"Killing yourself."

"How would I kill myself?" Jessie yelled.

"You're….You're unstable," James whispered. He looked at the floor.

"What about you? Fucking crying at the drop of a hat, lying to me about plans. You're the unstable one," Jessie said.

"Stop it!" I yelled suddenly. "Stop picking on James. He brought you here to protect you. He didn't want any of us to die or get arrested. Just lay off him, okay? He protected me and I'm going to protect him. Screw with that, and you know what'll happen."

"What do you know?! You're just a little freak Meowth who doesn't know shit about shit. You're both retards!" Jessie yelled.

"Don't you dare call Meowth a retard!" James yelled. "I don't know what's wrong with you, but you better stop it. We're not risking our lives going back to Team Rocket until you're out of here. Until then, you will not abuse Meowth or me emotionally, mentally, physically, or sexually."

I was surprised at James. He was so meek and he rarely yelled. I didn't expect him to scream like this.

Especially at Jessie.

All Jessie did was roll her eyes and say, "Fuck that. Fuck you too. Both of you. I should've handled the poison myself. Meowth is a retarded waste of flesh and blood."

I burst into tears.

James picked me up and tried to comfort me. He looked at Jessie with a mixture of anger and pain in his eyes.

"How could you hurt him like this?" he whispered. He ran out the door with me.

When we got to our room, James put me down on the bed. He went into the bathroom.

He didn't come out for a long time.

(James's point of view)

I cried for a long time. Why did Jessie hurt us like that? Do all psychopaths do this? I never found the answer. I only found more tears.

That was the worst fight I ever had with Jessie. I guess I'll never get her forgiveness. I shouldn't have even hoped for it.

How could Jessie call Meowth a waste of flesh and blood? He was anything but that. He was my….friend. My other best friend.

I couldn't bear to think about us going further than that. Don't even hope for it.

Meowth knocked on the door. "James, are you all right?"

I looked in the mirror. My eyes were glazed over. My hair was a mess. I had dark circles under my eyes, which were swollen from crying.

"I'm fine," I said.

I walked into the bedroom and collapsed into bed. Meowth put a wet rag on my forehead.

After a while, I fell asleep. I had a horrifyingly realistic dream about Jessie breaking out of her cell. I woke up screaming.

"What's wrong?" Meowth asked.

"I just had the worst nightmare about Jessie breaking out of her cell." I was sobbing quietly. Meowth comforted me. I then spoke three words I never thought I'd say.

"I hate Jessie."

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Don't try to force your best friend to poison their other best friend; you'll get in trouble (and make it double).

Jessie Drugs James and Is Generally Abusive: Jessie Evolves Into a 4chan Poster (part four of four)

I don't even know anymore.

Part one

Part two

Part three

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; abuse mentions; misunderstanding of medical and psychological issues; shaky understanding of mental institutions and psychopathy; general angst; hinting at a Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; out-of-character behavior for James and Meowth; absolute character assassination of Jessie; Jessie says "kys" to James; Meowth watches James sleep; abrupt ending where the issues are maybe not dealt with properly; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic (I don't know why; he was and still is my favorite Pokémon character)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

James had changed.

I hardly knew him anymore. He was more serious and sad. His eyes had lost their light.

What had happened to the James I used to know? He didn't used to cry all the time. He had no reason to hate anyone or anything. He seemed to be sad all the time after the visit. I found out later it was because he felt he'd betrayed Jessie.

I told James he should try to patch things up with Jessie. He agreed reluctantly.

We went to the mental institution again. James took a shaky breath.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I can't do it. I can't face her now," James said quietly.

"Maybe you should sleep on it," I said. "You'll feel better about it when you wake up."

We went back to our room. James took a nap. I thought about how James had changed and watched over him.

After a while, I noticed James was trembling. I took a closer look and saw that he was crying.

"James, why are you crying?" I asked.

"I don't want to hate Jessie anymore. I don't want to love….who I love anymore either," James said quietly.

This was ridiculous. Why was Jessie putting us through all this pain? Especially James. He never did anything to her. He always obeyed her.

I comforted James. He went back to sleep. I felt like I needed to pay James back for all the care he'd given me, although he never asked for anything in return.

But how could I do it so he didn't suspect my feelings for him?

I looked at him. He looked so cute and angelic when he was sleeping. Once, just before I had fallen asleep, he kissed me softly on my charm. He didn't realize it, but I replayed that moment a lot in my head.

I went over to James. He was fast asleep. I kissed him gently on his forehead.

Sweet dreams, Little Jim.

(James's point of view)

The next day, we visited Jessie again. The second visit was worse than the first.

Meowth went in first, alone. We wanted to go in alone because we thought it would be better than last time.

We were dead wrong.

Meowth went in. When he came out, he said, "Your turn."

I got up to go in. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to vomit.

I walked into the room. Jessie was in a straitjacket.

"Why are you here?" she asked.

"Just to see you," I said. I didn't like to see Jessie in a cage.

"You put me in here."

"I did it to help you!"

I regretted saying those words as soon as they came out of my mouth.

"Help me?! How the fuck did you think you were helping anyone? You're such a worthless bitch, James. Fuck you. You should've drank the poison yourself. I hate you."

I stood there, frozen. I knew tears were running down my cheeks, but I didn't try to wipe them away.

Jessie would never forgive me.

Jessie HATES me.

I ended up in the waiting room, not sure how I got there. Somehow, I ended up in the motel room, lying flat on my back on the bed.

Meowth sat next to me. "What happened?" he asked.

I never really told him.

(Meowth's point of view)

What happened to James?

He hardly smiled. He smiled a lot before the visit, but he didn't after the second one. He just sat around with a scared look on his face.

He was skinny before the second visit, but now he wasn't eating and he seemed to be wasting away.

He wasn't sleeping right. He had dark circles under his eyes and his hair was constantly messy.

He looked like a lost child.

What went wrong with the visit? What made James give up on life? What could I do to make him want to live again?

"What did Jessie do to you?" I asked.

James didn't answer.

"What did she do?!" I was almost hysterical.

James started crying.

"She….told me to kill myself," James sobbed.

I was pissed.

"That does it. Jessie has hurt you one too many times. Tomorrow, we're going back to that mental institution to straighten things out between you two. You don't deserve all this pain, James," I said.

James looked frightened.

"Will Jessie ever get out of the asylum?" James asked.

"Who knows?" I said.

(James's point of view)

Meowth and I walked back to the mental institution. I was really scared, but I had to straighten things out with Jessie.

"You can go to the bathroom if you need a break, but we're not leaving until we get things straightened out," Meowth had said.

I had no choice but to obey.

I walked into the room. Meowth followed.

"Why are you acting this way?" I managed to ask.

"What?!" Jessie said.

I was so startled I almost didn't answer. "Why are you acting this way" I repeated.

"You said I'm a psychopath," Jessie said.

"I want to know why you're a psychopath!" I didn't know why I was so cranky all of a sudden. I guess I didn't want to be bothered with smart arse comments.

"Fuck, you don't have to scream," Jessie said, uninterested.

"It's the only way you'll listen to me! Why did you want me to kill Meowth?! Why were you drugging me?!" I cried.

"To make Team Rocket better," Jessie said. The words "no, shit" would've fit perfectly in the sentence.

"How would that make us better? What does the word 'partner' mean to you? Meowth doesn't deserve to die and I don't deserve to be told to kill him! And I'm glad I lied and ran away! How would killing Meowth make Team Rocket better?!" I was trying to hold back tears, but I didn't seem to be doing a good job of it.

Jessie didn't look interested at all. I knew she could kick me or hit me from inside the cell (I was in kicking range).

Jessie kicked me in my side and punched me in the face. I was knocked over, of course.

Meowth jumped up and scratched Jessie across her face.

"Don't you ever hurt James like that!" he yelled. He was crying. "Why are you acting like a psychopathical asshole?! Just cut out the shit and stop hurting us! We can't go a fuckin' day without worrying whether you got your ass thrown in jail or escaped! Why are you suddenly such a dickhead, anyway?"

Meowth continued ranting and swearing at Jessie. Jessie still looked bored. Meowth must've realized she wasn't listening to him.

"C'mon, James. Let's go," he said, sounding depressed.

I struggled to get up. Meowth and I walked back to the motel.

Then Meowth was the one sitting around, looking ready to cry.

"Even yelling and swearing didn't make her listen," I said.

Meowth began to cry. I held him. The poor kitty. I had to protect him.

"I just wanted to get Jessie back," Meowth said.

We stared into each other's eyes. Meowth's pretty blue eyes had tears in them. I wiped away one of his tears.

"Maybe we will, Meowth. Maybe we will."

(Meowth's point of view)

Here's what happened.

James and I got out of the motel. We set up our tent next to the mental institution and went in there every day.

Jessie eventually got back to normal. I acted like nothing happened, but it took a while for James to get used to her.

A kind of happy ending to an unhappy experience.

Life isn't half bad.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: When a cat watches someone sleep, it's generally not creepy. If a sapient talking cat Pokémon watches someone sleep, well....It's still a better love story than Twilight.

James's Special Delivery: I Wish I Could Quit You (part one of three)

A slightly more fluffy fic after....whatever the fuck that last thing was.

I seem to have written most of these fics under the impression that Meowth is the dashing hero tomcat and James is like his ideal queen cat. I have no idea where my preteen/teen self got those ideas, but they're way too much like the Seme/Uke false dichotomy that seemed to plague a lot of slashfic when I was a kid.

This fic contains:  Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (warning because some people might be disturbed by it, even though Meowth can consent in this story); unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; lack of medical and scientific knowledge; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; odd ideas about romance; Dr. Fuji is miraculously alive somehow; mentions of Jessie being violent

-O-o-O-o-O-

James made up his mind. It was too painful. He couldn’t go on hurting innocent trainers and stealing their Pokémon.

He was quitting Team Rocket.

It was a hard decision. If he quit, he would have a hard time finding a job.

He would also have to leave Meowth, his one true love.

Little did he know, Meowth was thinking the same thing.

-O-o-O-

Meowth wanted to leave Team Rocket, too. He just wasn’t good at stealing Pokémon and his heart wasn’t in it anymore.

The only reason he had stayed so long was because of James. He was deeply in love with James. He couldn’t bear to steal Pokémon anymore, but he couldn’t bear to live without being around James’s gentle nature or seeing James’s lovely face or hearing his sweet voice.

It was a hard decision, but Meowth made up his mind. He was quitting.

-O-o-O-

That day, James went to tell Meowth he was quitting. Meowth went to tell James he was quitting. They ran into each other in the bedroom.

“I’ve been looking all over for you,” Meowth said.

“Me too. I have something to tell you,” James said.

“So do I.”

“You go first.”

Meowth took a deep breath. “I’m thinking about quitting Team Rocket.”

James looked shocked.

“James, I know we might never see each other again—” Meowth started.

“No, I’m surprised because I was thinking the exact same thing,” James said.

“If you’re thinking the same thing, we could quit together,” Meowth said.

“We could?”

“Yes, James. Because I love you.”

James was even more shocked. “Wow.”

“Do you love me too?”

“Yes, Meowth, of course I love you.”

Meowth held James’s hand and kissed it. James blushed.

James picked up Meowth and kissed him. They stared into each other’s eyes. Then they jumped on the bed and started kissing.

When they stopped kissing, James said, “There’s just one problem.”

“What is it?” Meowth said.

“What will Jessie do about this? How are we going to hide it?” James whispered.

Meowth put his arms around James. “Don’t worry. We’ll think of something.”

-O-o-O-

The next day, James came up with a brilliant plan.

“Meowth, I just got an idea. Why don’t we take Jessie to a psychiatrist and then when she’s less violent, we can tell her about us,” James said.

“But where are we going to find a psychiatrist?” Meowth asked.

“There’s a psychiatrist’s office in Team Rocket Headquarters. We can convince her to go there until she gets her violence problems fixed, then we can tell her we’re quitting.”

“We’ll have to trick her first, but it’s gonna work,” Meowth said.

-O-o-O-

The next day, James and Meowth talked Jessie into seeing the psychiatrist. Then Dr. Fuji called them.

“I need you to do an experiment. First, James, you swallow this pill, then have sexual intercourse with Meowth,” he said.

“What’s the pill for?” Meowth asked.

“It’s supposed to make humans able to have offspring with Pokémon,” Dr. Fuji explained.

James got nervous. He loved Meowth, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to have a baby.

He and Meowth picked up Jessie from the psychiatrist when her session was over and went home.

-O-o-O-

Meowth went into the bedroom later that day and saw James crying.

“James, what’s wrong?” he asked.

“I don’t want to have a baby for Team Rocket. I just want to have a baby for the two of us,” James said.

Meowth hugged James. “It’ll be okay,” he said, not knowing what else to say.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Team Rocket is totally an organization that makes its members do sexual science experiments yet will give them therapy to help them become less violent.

The Sad Saga of James Morgan and Company: Nobody Is Safe

More of my Pokémon occult AU, barely-there OCs, and James whumpage (I swear he's my favorite character I don't know why I did this to him).

This fic contains: Colorful language; general angst; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; underdeveloped original characters (and their fridging); violence and blood; convoluted occult lore; murderous, occult-powered Jessiebelle (now with fucked up whip action!); attempted murder; main character death (RIP Jessie); Jessiebelle is really messed up; ellipses abuse; Jesus Hades Christ eleven!me tortured James a lot in fic (this extends to Jessie and Meowth it seems); James still has magical powers

-O-o-O-o-O-

*Imagine Tylas quit being Jessiebelle's guard because he didn't want to help kill James. He figures out that James is in love with him. Jessiebelle decides to kill him by putting a curse on James. So, because James loves Tylas, if they kiss each other, Tylas will die.

*James is running from his Victreebel, which is chasing him. Tylas is running, too. He wants to get away from Jessiebelle's dungeon. They both run into each other.

James: (gets up) I'm sorry. It's my fault. I wasn't watching where I was going. Tylas: I wasn't looking either. And I was running too fast. I should be sorry.

*They both look into each other's eyes. Victreebel ruins the romantic moment by pouncing James. James gets Victreebel back into the Pokéball. Tylas is looking at him.

Tylas: Are you okay? James: (shyly) Yes. (blushes) Tylas: You sure? You're turning red. James: I'm fine. (blushes harder)

*They stand there like that for a few seconds.

Tylas: Are you, by any chance, in love with me? Is that why you're so shy and blushing? James: (breathes) Yes. Tylas: Wow. (smiles) James: Well, I have to get back to the camp now. Tylas: Okay.

*They walk away from each other.

Meowth: Did you tell him? James: Yes. At least I didn't kiss him. Then he'd die.

*The next day, the trio and Tylas walk toward each other.

Tylas: James, I know you're kind of shy around me, so I'll make this short. I love you.

*This is too much for James. He bursts into tears.

Tylas: Was it something I said? James: I'm sorry….I shouldn't have started crying. (sniffles) It's just that….Jessiebelle put a curse on me and if I kiss you, you'll die. Tylas: I still love you. James: So do I. But I can't kiss you. Tylas: That's okay.

*Jessiebelle is spying on them.

Jessiebelle: He's too smart. He won't make a mistake. I'll have to kill Tylas myself. James will either beg me to kill him, or die of a broken heart.

*Jessiebelle traps James and Tylas. Jessie and Meowth follow them. Jessiebelle gets out a dark occult knife. She locks James in a cage.

Jessiebelle: Now you'll witness the death of your lover! James: No! Let me die for him! Jessiebelle: No, this time, you can't die for your friend. I'm going to dip this knife in a very powerful potion. It's so powerful, your life potion and your powers won't be able to bring him back to life. I call it "Pure Death." (dips dark occult knife in the pure death potion)

*Jessiebelle stabs Tylas with the the dark occult pure death knife. James's vocal cords lock up and his breathing is shaky.

Jessiebelle: You want his dead body? James: (shakily) Yes.

*James grabs Tylas and gets out of there.

James: You're not going to die. You can live. I can save you. Tylas: She stabbed me with the pure death knife. James: Maybe she was lying about how powerful it was. Tylas: She wasn't. I know that potion. I saw her make it. I will always love you. James: I will, too.

*Tylas dies.

Meowth: You okay? James: No. (is quiet awhile) Maybe I'm not meant to love anyone. (gets up and walks away) Meowth: Where are you going? James: To get a shovel and to bury him.

*Jessie and Meowth see James standing out there in the rain, burying Tylas. He says something, but they can barely hear it. Then he comes back.

*The next day….

Meowth: Love is cruel. James: I hate that word now. Meowth: What?! James: I hate the "L" word. Jessie: You're being ridiculous. James: Everyone I love dies. I managed to bring Meowth back to life, but Tylas is gone. If one more person I love dies, I might consider committing suicide. Meowth: You must've liked him a lot to feel that way now. James: I did. (sighs heavily) I don't want to hurt your feelings, but can I please be left alone for a while? Meowth: You're not hurting our feelings.

*Jessie and Meowth go into the tent. James stays outside. He lets go of the fact that Tylas is dead and realizes that sometimes when you really love a person, you have to let them go.

-O-o-O-

*Imagine Jessiebelle captured James and then Jessie and Meowth followed them and got chained up, too. Jessiebelle injects poison into James. It isn't the pure death poison or some other deadly poison. She sets off a bomb, leaves the dungeon, and lets it blow up. Jessie, James, and Meowth blast off, get separated, and land in three different places. Jessie lands in a lake. James lands in a tree. Meowth lands in another dungeon.

*Jessie gets out of the lake.

Jessie: I wonder what the other two are doing.

*A bunch of kids see her coming out of the lake and start laughing. Meanwhile, James is up in a tree, on a branch. He loses his balance and falls. The tree branch snaps and falls. It lands on his head and knocks him out. At a dungeon….

Meowth: This must be Jessiebelle's new dungeon. (looks around) I'm never blasting off again.

*At the lake….

Jessie: I would take off my skirt and wring it out if all those kids weren't staring.

*At the tree a blond boy finds James. The boy's name is Lucian.

Lucian: He's hurt really badly. Jessiebelle doesn't have to know about this.

*Another boy (red-haired) comes out of the bushes.

Boy: What happened? Lucian: This boy is really hurt.

*The other boy's name is Lenny. He's Lucian's friend.

Lenny: How could he have gotten all those injuries? He looks so young. Lucian: He's only seventeen. His parents want him to marry Jessiebelle, but Jessiebelle has been abusing him. I'm Jessiebelle's new guard. It's a shame he's being abused. Lenny: How has he not died? Lucian: He's a witch, so he has some slight protection against her. But I'm going to protect him more.

*Lucian spreads a paste on James's leg where the poison was injected into him.

Lucian: He's got a bad head injury. Jessiebelle must've hit him. Or maybe he fell out of a tree.

*James wakes up.

James: Where am I? (sits up with difficulty) Lucian: I'm going to help you. I don't care what Jessiebelle thinks. Where are your friends? James: I don't know. We got separated when Jessiebelle blew up the dungeon. Lenny: Who are your friends? James: One of them is a girl named Jessie. She looks exactly like Jessiebelle, but tougher and with longer hair. The other one is a talking Meowth. Lenny: A talking Meowth? I think you should lie back down. James: But it's true. Lucian: He's right. I've seen the talking Meowth. They seem quite close. What happened to you? James: Jessiebelle injected poison into me and blew up the dungeon. Somehow, when we blasted off, Jessie, Meowth, and I got separated. I landed in a tree, but I lost my balance and fell. Then something hit me on the head and I blacked out.

*Jessie and Meowth step out of the bushes.

Meowth: What are you doing? Lucian: I'm helping him. Jessie: A likely story. Lucian: But I want to help him. Meowth: So you can earn his trust and then ambush him when he least expects it. Lucian: No! It isn't like that. I just found him unconscious a few minutes ago. He told me he got separated from you and he didn't know where you were. Meowth: You gained that much of his trust to find that out. Lucian: I took care of his wounds. Meowth: Usually he does that himself. Lucian: He was unconscious.

*Jessie and Meowth share a look.

Meowth: Okay. You can help him. But we'll stay with you to make sure there's no funny business. Lucian: (to James) I'll take care of you.

*James is looking up at Lucian adoringly. Team Rocket befriends Lucian and Lenny. James is in love with Lucian.

-O-o-O-

*Imagine Jessiebelle wants to make James die of sadness. She kills Lucian. Then she decides to try to kill Jessie, then James will commit suicide, ask Jessiebelle to kill him, or die of sadness.

*The trio is walking along the road. Jessiebelle grabs James, knocks him out with her potion, and runs. She comes to a toll booth in the middle of the forest.

Toll Booth Attendant: Where are you going? Jessiebelle: Sorry. I can't tell. It's top secret.

*Later, Jessie and Meowth come to the toll booth.

Toll Booth Attendant: You again?! Jessie: That was just someone who looked exactly like me. Which way did she go? Meowth: And was she carrying a boy? Toll Booth Attendant: She went that way. (points) Yes, she was carrying a boy. Jessie: Did you see what the boy looked like? Toll Booth Person: He had long violet hair. His eyes were closed. He was wearing a uniform similar to yours. Why? Do you think she's going to do something bad to him? Meowth: She's going to kill him.

*They find Jessiebelle's dungeon. James is locked up in a cage. He's kicking the door and trying to blast it open with his powers.

Jessiebelle: Kicking it and using your powers won't do anything. James: I have to at least try!

*Jessie and Meowth come in.

Jessiebelle: Since you're here, I'll just kill one of you. I can't kill that hell cat or I'll get cursed, so I'll have to kill you. James: No. Don't you kill her. Let me die for her! Jessie: James, you're too young to die. I'll die for you. James: No. I couldn't save Tylas and Lucian, but I'm going to save you. Jessiebelle: (dips dark occult knife in pure death potion) I think I'll end this argument. (stabs Jessie)

*James starts screaming and kicking the cage door to get it.

James: You bastard! How could you?! Jessiebelle: Young witches. Always so temperamental. (lets James out)

*James grabs Jessie's dead body, grabs Meowth by the hand, and gets out of there.

James: She's already dead. I didn't even get to say goodbye. (starts to cry softly)

*Meowth can't say anything because he's crying, too. James gets a shovel and buries Jessie.

*The next day, Jessiebelle jumps out of a tree and lands on her feet in front of James and Meowth. She's dressed like Jessie.

James: Jessie? Is that you? Jessiebelle: It's me. Your worst nightmare. Meowth: You're not Jessie. Jessiebelle: Meowth, that's right.

*James faints. Jessiebelle is about to stab James.

Meowth: Fuck off of him! (scratches Jessiebelle across the face)

*Jessiebelle screams and runs off.

Meowth: James, wake up!

*James wakes up.

James: What happened? Meowth: You passed out when Jessiebelle came back.

*Meowth notices James trembling.

Meowth:What's wrong? James: She couldn't have made a Team Rocket uniform that quickly. She would've had to take it off Jessie's body. She dug up Jessie's grave and disrespected her body. Meowth: You're sweating. James: I hate Jessiebelle. Meowth: So do I. James: What did Jessie ever do to her? Why did she have to kill her and do that to her dead body? Meowth: We've gotten killed by her, too. What did any of us do to her to make her kill us? James: I think she wants to make me die of sadness or beg for death. She's getting back at me for not marrying her. Meowth: That could be right. James: I think I should put something on Jessie's grave. Meowth: What are you going to put there?

*James gets up. He goes over to Jessie's grave (which is next to Tylas's grave) and takes out one of his roses. It's a blood red rose. There's a faded pink one on Tylas's grave.

Meowth: But that's your rose you say the motto with. James: I know. I'll carry a black rose because I'm in mourning. Meowth: She'd probably want us to continue saying the motto as we steal Pokémon. James: I don't know if I can continue to be a Team Rocket member. I think she'd want me to, and I want to honor her memory. Meowth: I want to, too. James: Why don't I just dye my uniform black?

*Jessiebelle jumps out of a tree again. She grabs James. Meowth runs after them. They all end up at the dungeon.

Jessiebelle: Marry me or die. I know a great way to kill you.

*Jessiebelle pokes James in the dick with the handle of a dark occult knife. Meowth manages to free James, take him by the hand, and run out of there.

Meowth: Why don't we tell Officer Jenny about this? James: She'd never believe a Team Rocket member. She'd probably laugh if I told her I was sexually abused.

*Jessiebelle kidnaps James and his grandparents. Meowth gets catnapped (or Poké-napped) too.

Jessiebelle: I thought you could use your old-age wisdom to set your grandson straight. (whips James around the waist)

*The whip wraps around James's waist and starts choking him. Jessiebelle tugs on the whip, trying to strangle James.

James's grandfather: What are you doing to him?!

*Jessiebelle lets go of the whip. James falls backward, unconscious. His grandparents catch him before he falls.

James's grandmother: This is madness. Meowth: Why are you killing him?

*James's grandfather is holding his body.

James's grandfather: You killed him. Meowth: (listens to James's heartbeat) He's not dead. He's just unconscious.

James's grandmother: You're going to be all right.

*James comes to.

James: What happened? Meowth: Jessiebelle tried to strangle you to death. James's grandfather: You leave our grandson alone. Jessiebelle: And if I don't?

*Growlie comes in and sets Jessiebelle on fire. She pours water on the fire. Meowth scratches her face. Everybody else runs out of there, taking Meowth with them.

James's grandmother: I'm so sorry we didn't intervene earlier when your parents tried to force you to marry Jessiebelle. We didn't know the danger they were putting you in. James: It's okay. They covered up a lot.

*After James's grandparents and Growlie leave, Meowth comes up to James.

Meowth: I guess it's just the two of us. James: Yeah. Just us. Meowth: Let's go.

*James and Meowth walk into the sunset.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Even in the middle of nowhere in an occult-infested forest, you can't escape the toll booths.

The futile task of ordering the chaos

ao3 fic dreamwidth

An index of oldfic:

A Worse Pill to Swallow: Part one Part two Part three

The Book of Moltres James: Part one Part two Part three Part four

Giovanni Is Just the Worst boss: Part one Part two

James and Meowth Do A Fluffy Experiment: Part one Part two

The Angsty Domestic Life of Team Rocket: Part one Part two Part three

Jessie Drugs James and Is Generally Abusive: Part one Part two Part three Part four

James's Special Delivery: Part one Part two Part three

Toxic Rocketshipping: Part one Part two Part three

Bad Blood: Part one Part two Part three

Holiday Half Arse: Part one Part two

You Got Played (A Yu-Gi-Oh songfic): Part one Part two Part three Part four Part five

The Invasion (A Sims 2 Darkfic): Part one Part two Part three

(IN PROGRESS) The Sad Saga of James Morgan and Company: Episode one Episode two Episode three Episode four Episode five

Brotherly Love (A Taboo Animaniacs fic): Part one Part two Part three Part Four Part Five

New fic and miscellany:

Level Nineteen and Pregnant: A Short Crackfic

The Charm Cat and His Queen: Erotic Blueshipping Haiku

Blueship Ahoy: A Collection of James/Meowth Smut Short Stories

Leaky Loki: A Sims 2 kinkfic (direct link to ao3)

Your Narf is My Drug: A Pinky and the Brain/Animaniacs parody songfic (mirror on ao3)

(IN PROGRESS) The Prophet of Moltres: An Illustrated Crackfic: Page one

(IN PROGRESS) Team Rocket But They're Sims: Part one Part two Part three Part four

Toxic Rocketshipping: But What Are James's Thoughts On Yaoi? (part two of three)

It might seem like the fic has calmed down, but it's just trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

Part one is here.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; gross misunderstanding of slavery; possibly uncomfortable discussions of romance; Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; found family to lovers firebomb; Jessie freckle-shames James; silly, middle-school romance writing; out-of-character behavior for James and Meowth; absolute character assassination of Jessie; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic (so much James whumpage)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

James was in the sun, working on our plan.

It didn't work.

James gets freckles when he stays in the sun for a long time. I thought it was cute, but Jessie didn't.

"Get rid of those hideous spots," she said.

"I can't," James said.

"Then you'll just have to be uglier than usual." Jessie sounded like she didn't care about James's feelings.

James just stared at her. Then he ran into our room and closed the door.

"What's his problem?" Jessie said.

"His problem?! What's your problem? Why are you trying to hurt James like this? He never did anything to you. He cared for you all the time. You never even said 'thank you' once to him," I said.

"Thank him? That little bitch? I'd rather marry that twerp. At least he's not as ugly as James," Jessie said.

"I don't believe you," I yelled.

I went into our room. James was lying down. His hair was messy, his eyes were swollen from crying, and he had dark circles under his eyes. Tears ran down his face, over his freckles.

"What's wrong, James?" I knew he could be upset because of what Jessie said, but there might be a deep-seated reason for all this crying.

"I heard the whole conversation. Jessie hates me." James's voice shook as he spoke.

I didn't want to tell him the truth. But lying only makes things worse. So I just didn't say anything.

"I knew it," he said.

"I just don't know what's with Jessie. First, she buys you, now she abuses you," I said. "I don't know what to do to comfort or protect you."

"It's okay," James said.

We sat in an awkward silence for a long while.

Then James asked the question.

"Would you mind if I liked Pokémon?"

"You mean, 'like them' like them?"

"Yes. It's called Pokébestial."

"No. I wouldn't mind. Actually, I think I'd like you—I mean, like it, too."

Why?

"Okay," James said.

Like you? Why did I say that? I wasn't ready for James to know that. The only way he didn't hear that is if he couldn't think clearly.

Wait a minute—I just kinda mumbled it. That meant it was likely he didn't hear it.

Good, I thought.

-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

I was out of love with Jessie, but I think my orientation got a little "off."

I think I'm Pokébestial.

The closer I got to Meowth, the more I liked him. At first, he was like an older brother, then he was like a twin brother, then we were like good friends, as in playmates. Then we started becoming like best friends.

Suddenly, I had a crush on Meowth.

What if he had a crush on me?! We'd be boyfriend and—

Hold up. Wait a minute. This'll have some yaoi in it.

That just didn't seem right, but I couldn't do what Jessie or anyone else would think is right. I had to tell Meowth.

But what would Meowth think? What if he was like everyone else? What if he didn't like it?

I was in for a real surprise.

-O-o-O-

Later that afternoon, we were sitting in our room, all alone.

Just us boys. No Jessie. She wouldn't want me until nighttime.

"James? I need to talk to you," Meowth said.

"Okay," I said. But I noticed something about his voice. It was soft, almost shy-sounding. He was also blushing a little, I could see it through his fur.

"Did you hear what I said about you being Pokébestial?" he asked.

"No. What did you say?" I asked. I started to get just a bit suspicious.

"I said that….I'd like it," Meowth said.

"Why?" I asked. I kind of knew why, but I just couldn't think clearly because of what it was.

"I like you."

"Like me, like me?"

"Yes."

Right then. I just found out my crush likes me too. What did I do? I did the only thing that was in my character to do.

I passed out.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Being Pokébestial is probably better than being a sex slave for your coworker, though neither is recommended.