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You Got Played: A Yu-Gi-Oh Songfic (Part One of Five)

I warned you.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; Kaiba and Bandit Keith dueling in bed without cards to "Cotton Eye Joe"; author's notes to give track listings; condom mention; cheating; terrible OC; terrible OC uses the r-slur; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother's romantic life; Kaiba is classist about McDonalds

-O-o-O-o-O-

Kaiba sat at his computer, lost in thought.

He kept daydreaming of his new boyfriend, Bandit Keith. Kaiba and Keith had been dating for about two weeks. Kaiba’s new group of friends, Yugi and company, wasn’t sure that he should be dating a character like Keith, but Keith had seemingly changed from a low-down, dirty cheater to an acceptable choice for a boyfriend. Plus, they knew that Kaiba could take care of himself, so they figured it would be okay.

Kaiba blew his reddish-brown hair out of his face. His dark blue eyes began to get a look of anticipation in them. He was going to see Keith that night. He and Keith always went out on their dates at night. Kaiba didn’t think this was weird because he wasn’t very fond of going out during the day. He thought it was boring. The night was just more interesting to him.

Another odd thing that Keith did was forbid Kaiba to tell anyone outside of his brothers and Yugi’s group of friends. Keith had told Kaiba that if he didn’t tell anyone outside of the aforementioned people, then the press wouldn’t find out and be after them. After all, he and Kaiba dating would make a great article in a magazine, since Kaiba was the World Champion at Duel Monsters and Keith was the Intercontinental Champion. Kaiba thought this part was sort of weird because the press couldn’t care less about them; they were too busy going after pop stars and actors to worry about duelists. But Keith told him that he should keep it a secret just in case the press started to actually care about the lives of duelists.

That night, Keith waited in a dark corner of the schoolyard of Domino High School. A tall, slim figure approached him.

“Who’s there?” Keith asked lazily, combing his dirty blond hair with his fingers.

“I’m here.” The figure stepped out of the darkness. It was Kaiba, dressed in a black shirt, black pants, black boots, and his white trenchcoat.

“Damn Kaiba, you look fine as hell!” Keith said, walking over to Kaiba.

“Thank you, Keith,” Kaiba answered.

Keith put his arm around Kaiba’s shoulders and the two walked off.

Keith and Kaiba went to see a horror movie. Kaiba wasn’t that interested in horror movies, but he didn’t mind because Keith was there.

When the movie was over, Keith walked Kaiba home. After Kaiba went inside of his mansion, and Keith began to walk away, another figure stepped into the spotlight of the streetlights.

“Hey, Keith,” a female voice purred.

Keith turned to look to the left, which was where the voice came from. A girl stood in the light. She had piercing green eyes, wavy blond hair that cascaded to her waist, and although she had very tanned skin, one could tell that she was Caucasian. She wore a pink tank top and tight blue jeans, cut off at mid-thigh.

“Hey, Kyra,” Keith said.

“What’re you doing in such a fancy neighborhood?” Kyra’s high voice floated out seductively.

“Just walking.” Keith stopped to ogle Kyra.

“You haven’t forgotten our date tomorrow afternoon, have you?” Kyra asked, stepping rather close to Keith.

“How could I forget our one-month anniversary?” Keith said putting his arm around Kyra’s waist.

“I’ll wear something extra-sexy,” Kyra said.

Then she and Keith kissed, then walked off together.

-O-o-O-

Kaiba went upstairs to his room. He threw himself onto his bed. He almost wanted to sing, he was so happy. He had never felt like this before.

Mokuba was walking past Kaiba’s room. He saw Kaiba stare off into space, then suddenly start laughing for no apparent reason.

“Seto? Are you feeling okay?” Mokuba asked. It wasn’t like Kaiba to just start laughing for no reason, unless he was practicing his evil laugh.

“Keith makes me so happy,” Kaiba said.

Mokuba understood. “So, how was your date tonight?”

“We went to see ‘Saw’ and then we went to dinner at McDonalds,” Kaiba answered. (The last part of their date involved Keith saying “I love you, baby, so you can supersize it.” How cheap.) “It was sort of good because Keith was there, but I didn’t like the movie. You shouldn’t see ‘Saw.’”

“Not even if you’re at a playground?”

Kaiba smiled at Mokuba’s pun. “It’s a really dumb movie. I think it was rated ‘R’, but the people selling the tickets didn’t ask how old we were, so we were able to get in,” Kaiba continued. “He made it less boring by making cute little sarcastic comments. We were the only two people in the theater, so it was okay. And I know this part is going to sound weird coming from me, but he let me cuddle up to him during the supposedly scary parts.” Kaiba chuckled sexily.

Mokuba was fascinated. While he didn’t fully trust Bandit Keith, he liked the way Keith made his brother so happy.

At that moment, their older brother, Noah, walked in. Noah was very protective of his two younger brothers, and he definitely did not trust Keith. In fact, he didn’t really trust anyone who dated Kaiba. He was afraid that they would treat Kaiba the wrong way.

Noah walked over to Kaiba’s bed and sat down next to the two of them. “So, how did your date go?”

“We went to a movie and then we went to dinner,” Kaiba answered, still in a dreamy, trance-like state.

“Keith didn’t take advantage of you, did he? He didn’t try to get you to do anything you didn’t want to?”

Kaiba sighed. “Noah, by now you must realize that nobody can make me do anything I don’t want to do. You must also realize that if Keith was trying to take advantage of me, I would catch him and he would be in a world of trouble. So don’t worry about it.”

Noah ran his hands through his green hair. “I just get so worried whenever you go out with Keith. I mean, you only go out at night and you always go to places where there aren’t a lot of people. I’m just afraid that he might hurt you.”

“Don’t worry, Noah. I can take care of myself,” Kaiba said.

-O-o-O-

The next day, Kaiba sat in his mansion, doing something on the computer. His next date with Keith wasn’t until that night.

Keith went out with Kyra for their one-month anniversary. Kyra wore a short, low-cut pink mini-dress with high-heeled shoes. Keith wore a red T-shirt and jeans.

“This is such a great restaurant,” Kyra commented, as their food was brought to the table. They were at the Domino Mall in a restaurant called “Café Bistro.” It was a semi-classy restaurant, which meant the waiters had to wear suits. There was a man playing the piano in a corner of the restaurant.

“Only the best for my girlfriend,” Keith said, touching Kyra’s hand.

Kyra caught sight of a group of kids outside the restaurant. Yugi and company were listening to the music that was playing in the mall.

“Come on, come on, get it on, we’re ridin’ in our rollacoasta!” Joey was singing along to the song that was playing as Yugi, Yami, and Tea watched. Tristan was dancing comically next to Joey.

“Who’re those losers?” Kyra asked.

Keith saw them. “They’re just some kids who’re at our school. They act like that all the time.”

Just then, out of the corner of his eye, Keith saw a green-haired boy and a younger boy with black hair approaching. He nearly choked on his food. “Oh, hell, no! What’re those Kaibas doing here?!” he thought frantically.

Kyra saw Noah and Mokuba. “Whoa…..did he dye his hair, or is he a plant-based life form?” she commented on Noah’s interesting hair color.

“Um…they’re just some rich kids,” Keith answered quickly. Then to change the subject, he added, “You weren’t kidding when you said you’d wear something extra-sexy.”

Kyra giggled like the ditz she was. “You’re so sexy when you say things like that!”

Outside of the restaurant’s window, Keith caught Mokuba’s eye. “Hey, there’s Bandit Keith!” Mokuba said. “But who’s that girl with him?”

He and Noah watched Keith and Kyra talking and laughing.

“I don’t like the looks of this,” Noah said.

“Maybe she’s his sister,” Mokuba suggested.

They watched Keith and Kyra start to kiss on the lips.

“Or maybe she’s not,” Mokuba corrected himself.

“Holy crap! Keith’s a player! We have to tell Seto!” Noah exclaimed.

“Tell me what?” Kaiba had walked up behind them. He had not heard the first part of their conversation or seen Keith and Kyra in the restaurant.

In the restaurant, Kyra had seen Kaiba walk over to his brothers. “Oh my god, who is that freak in the white trenchcoat? He looks like some kind of retarded robot,” Kyra said.

Keith looked out the window and saw the three brothers. “Oh, shit, Kaiba’s here, too!” he thought.

“Do you know that boy?” Kyra asked Keith.

“Uh….he’s just another rich kid,” Keith answered.

Back outside, Kaiba was still waiting for an answer. His back was to the restaurant’s window.

“What did you want to tell me?” he asked.

Noah started to say something, but Mokuba interrupted. “We were going to say that we want you to come and see what’s in Hot Topic with us. Come on, Big Brother!”

Mokuba dragged both Kaiba and Noah off in the direction of Hot Topic. In the restaurant, Kyra was still yapping away.

Keith inwardly sighed with relief after seeing the brothers leave. “That was close,” he thought.

That night, Kaiba stared out of his window at the moon. He was getting ready for his date with Keith. They were going to go to the park and look at the stars. Kaiba loved to find each constellation and explain all about it because….well, because he’s smart like that. Keith didn’t seem to mind Kaiba talking. Keith always just responded by saying, “That’s my smart Kaiba.”

‘He came to town like a midwinter storm. He rode through the fields, so handsome and strong. His eyes were his tools and his smile was his gun, But all he had come for was having some fun.’ (author's note: Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex)

Kaiba and Keith walked through the dark streets holding hands. Kaiba looked up at Keith, his blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight.

They sat in the park in silence, looking at the stars. Kaiba was sitting about a foot away from Keith, looking at the stars, trying to see if he could find any constellations.

Keith looked over at the boy. “Kaiba’s sitting awfully far away,” he thought. He moved in closer to Kaiba. Kaiba’s pale face seemed to glow in the moonlight.

Kaiba blushed as he noticed Keith move closer. Kaiba wasn’t sure he liked Keith getting that close.

Then, Keith slid his arm around Kaiba’s waist. Kaiba turned an even deeper shade of red upon feeling Keith’s arm around his waist.

Kaiba suddenly realized that he actually liked Keith being that close to him.

Suddenly, they heard voices coming from somewhere in the park.

“I wonder what Keith’s up to without us?” They recognized this voice as Bonz, one of the members of Keith’s gang.

“Yeah. It’s been bloody borin’ without `im.” They recognized this voice as Sid, another member of Keith’s gang.

“Fuck! It’s my old gang! They’re not too fond of the idea of us going out together, so we gotta get outta here!” Keith whispered to Kaiba.

Kaiba hesitantly escaped with Keith. They ran through a couple of alleys, jumped over a fence, and finally ended up at Keith’s house. They were the only ones there.

“So what’ll we do now?” Kaiba asked.

“I have an idea.” Keith took out a condom.

Kaiba gasped.

“We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, though. We could do something else,” Keith continued. “But, if you don’t do it, you’ll really be missing out….”

Kaiba was quiet for a moment. He loved Keith, but he wasn’t sure he was ready for it. However, even though his brain was saying “No,” his body was saying “Go.” He took one look at Keith’s muscular, rock-hard body and began to feel like a cat in heat. Soon, he was so overwhelmed by his emotions that he couldn’t think straight.

“I…..I think I want to do it,” Kaiba said.

Keith closed the door and put the condom on. That night, Kaiba gave up his virginity to Keith.

‘He brought disaster wherever he went. The hearts of the girls were to hell broken sent. They all ran away so nobody would know And left only men ‘cause of Cotton-Eye Joe.’ (author's note: Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex)

By the time they were done, they were on the floor. Keith took off the condom. “Uh-oh.”

“What does that mean?” Kaiba asked, starting to get worried.

“The condom broke.”

Kaiba’s eyes widened in horror.

“Don’t worry. I don’t have any STDs, so neither do you,” Keith said, kissing Kaiba’s forehead. Then he picked Kaiba up and set him down on the bed.

“Now you have to promise me that this’ll be our little secret, okay, Kaiba?” Keith said.

“Why?” Kaiba asked.

“Because someone might spy on you telling your friends and it could leak out to the press. I know you think the press doesn’t care, but it’s better to be safe than sorry,” Keith said, stroking Kaiba’s hair.

“Oh.” Kaiba understood. “Can I at least tell my brothers?”

“Yes, but only them.”

Kaiba looked away. He hated having to keep their relationship a secret. He was suspicious that Keith might forget about him after this incident. What if Keith was planning to dump him? Is that why Keith made him keep it a secret? Could Keith be seeing another person? “That’s impossible,” Kaiba thought. “If he was cheating on me, I would have caught him by now. I would have picked up on some kind of clue that he accidentally let slip out, such as calling out someone else’s name. He couldn’t be cheating.”

‘We’ll fast-forward to a few years later. And no one knows except the both of us. And I have honored your request for silence. And you have washed your hands clean of this.’ (author's note: Hands Clean - Alanis Morissette)

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: A McDonalds date is not for a classy bitch like Seto Kaiba. Take him to the Waffle House.

You Got Played: Seto's Love Life Tears the Kaiba Brothers Apart (Part Two of Five)

A wise man once said, "You know what this story needs? A love triangle!"

Part one is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg fakeout scene (bonus "even pregnancy of the male variety does not work that way" content); vomit mention; Bandit Keith being a prick; everybody is kind of an idiot; Kaiba and Yugi dueling in bed without cards to “Cotton Eye Joe”; author’s notes to give track listings; condom mention; cheating; terrible OC; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; old people bingo hall fight; Blue Eyes White Dragon underwear as a plot point

-O-o-O-o-O-

When Kaiba got home, he had nothing else to do. Doing the nasty with Keith had taken a lot out of him, so his first stop was the refrigerator.

Mokuba entered the room as Kaiba was making a sandwich out of cheese whiz, mayonnaise, pickles and, oddly enough, chocolate.

“Seto, what’s with the weird food?” Mokuba asked.

“I was just really hungry,” Kaiba answered.

“You’re never really hungry.”

“Doing it with Keith must have taken a lot out of me.”

“WHAAT?!”

“Did I say that out loud?”

“You DID IT WITH KEITH?! HOLY HELL!”

“It’s not that big of a deal, Mokuba.”

“Yes, it is! Noah’s gonna be pissed off!”

“No, he’s not, because you’re not going to tell him.”

“But-”

“Please, Mokuba? I don’t want Noah getting mad at Keith and trying to beat him down.” Kaiba attempted to use “puppy eyes” on Mokuba.

It actually worked. “All right! I won’t tell him.”

“Thank you.”

After Kaiba finished his sandwich (and a whole bunch of other food), he went to bed.

The next morning, Kaiba ended up paying for overeating by having to run back and forth to the bathroom to either puke or defecate. This started at about five o’ clock in the morning. Later in the morning, Kaiba was perfectly fine.

He reflected on what happened the night before. He knew Mokuba would keep his secret for him. He also knew that he couldn’t tell Noah, at least not right that moment.

“I can’t tell Noah right now. It would worry him too much. Plus, he might try to beat up Keith, thinking that Keith raped me. I don’t want to start any drama.”

Later that day, Keith and Kaiba were actually going out in the daytime for once. They were sitting in a hidden spot in the park.

Keith was looking around, nervously, knowing that Kyra could come walking by at any minute.

Kaiba was leaning his head on Keith’s shoulder. Normally, Kaiba didn’t do this, but Keith made him so happy that he kissed Keith on the cheek. Keith put his arm around Kaiba’s waist. Keith noticed how slender and delicate Kaiba was compared to himself.

A few minutes later, Kaiba left, saying he had to go to the bathroom, but he’d be back.

While Kaiba was in the bathroom, Kyra had stopped to talk to Keith. Noah and Mokuba had gone to the park and were walking by them.

“The weather’s really good today,” Noah was saying, until Mokuba stopped dead in his tracks.

“What’s wrong?” Noah asked.

“Look,” Mokuba said.

Keith and Kyra were making out, and they were in a very interesting position, with Kyra wrapping her legs around Keith….

“Holy crap….” was all Noah could say. “Isn’t he on a date with Seto right now?”

“Yeah, but we can’t tell Seto,” Mokuba said.

“Why the hell not?! He has the right to know that his boyfriend’s a player,” Noah said.

“But Seto’s so happy! Why should we ruin it? What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him, right?” Mokuba retorted.

“Listen, Mokuba, I want Seto to be happy just as much as you do, but he deserves to know the truth about Keith,” Noah said. “I just hope he hasn’t gone and done something stupid, like having sex with Keith.”

Mokuba stared over at Noah out of the corner of his eye. “That ship has already sailed,” he thought.

By the time Kaiba was finished in the bathroom, Kyra had left. Keith was still waiting on the bench. Kaiba sat down next to Keith. They moved in closer to each other and began to kiss. It was at this moment that Keith realized how different Kaiba’s and Kyra’s kissing was. Kyra always kissed him for a really long time and she used her tongue. Her kisses were long, steamy, and passionate. Kaiba’s kisses, on the other hand, were usually short and he never used his tongue.

“Oh, Ky, your kisses are so hot,” Keith muttered.

Kaiba stopped kissing Keith and looked directly up at him. “Did you just call me ‘Kai?’”

“Oh, shit, I just said that out loud,” Keith thought. “Uh….yeah.”

“Keith, that’s cute, but I’m not sure if I like pet names,” Kaiba said.

“Okay, then, I won’t call you ‘Kai’ if you don’t like it.” Then Keith remembered something. “I just remembered, I have to do some stuff tonight, so I won’t be able to see you.”

“It’s okay,” Kaiba said. “I should probably stay in and catch up on my sleep, anyway.”

So Keith walked Kaiba home.

-O-o-O-

When Kaiba went into the mansion, he heard the sounds of Mokuba and Noah having an argument of sorts.

“We have to tell him, Mokuba! He needs to hear the truth!” Noah was saying.

“But it would make him really mad! We can’t tell Seto that!” Mokuba protested.

Kaiba walked into the room. “What can’t you tell me?!”

“Seto, today we saw Keith making out with a girl in the park and we saw her and Keith on a date in the mall yesterday,” Noah said.

Mokuba covered his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see his brother fly into a rage at the news. When he heard nothing, he looked up. Kaiba wasn’t raging. He was just standing there, looking shocked, somewhat angry, and a little hurt.

“Why would you say something like that about Keith?” Kaiba asked in a dangerously calm, quiet voice.

“Because it’s true,” Noah answered.

“No, you’d say something like that because you don’t like him. Why don’t you just grow up and let me go out with whoever I want and STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS?!” Kaiba’s voice got increasingly louder until he was shrieking.

“Seto! Keith is cheating on you! Hasn’t he ever slipped up and called you by the wrong name, or something?”

“No, he hasn’t! If he was lying to me, I’d be able to tell, Noah!”

“You can’t tell when someone’s lying all the time, Seto! He’s going out with another girl! He’s playing you like X-box!”

“YOU LIE!” Kaiba screamed, running to his room.

“Seto!” Mokuba ran after him, but not before he gave Noah a look that said, “I told you so.”

In his room, Kaiba was pacing around his bed, feeling extremely pissed off.

“How could he?! How could Noah even think of accusing Keith of cheating?!” Kaiba thought angrily.

Mokuba entered Kaiba’s room.

“Seto?” he started.

“Can you believe him, Mokuba? He has the nerve to tell me all that bull about Keith cheating on me. Does he think I’m a moron? Did he really expect me to believe that?”

“Well, I don’t know….”

“You don’t believe him, do you?” Kaiba asked, surprised at the possibility that Mokuba could believe Noah.

“Not really,” Mokuba answered. “Listen, Seto, maybe you should just calm down. I’m sure Noah didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he didn’t,” Kaiba said, lying down.

-O-o-O-

Lately, that week, Kaiba noticed that Keith had been ignoring him. For the past five or six days, Keith had not seen Kaiba. They hadn’t gone out together or seen each other on the streets. Keith had not even called Kaiba.

“Could Noah be right about him?” Kaiba thought. “No! That’s preposterous! Why would Keith want to cheat? I can’t believe I even thought for a second that Noah was right.”

Later that afternoon, Mokuba walked into Kaiba’s room to see what he was doing. Kaiba had taped a poorly-drawn crayon picture of Noah to the wall and was currently blowing spit balls at it. There was a huge target drawn over Noah’s crotch.

“Seto, what are you doing?” Mokuba asked.

“I’m getting out all my anger without actually harming Noah,” Kaiba answered. He put another piece of paper in his mouth, stuck it in the straw and blew it out. It landed right on the target.

“Have you two even talked to each other?” Mokuba asked. Kaiba didn’t answer because he was too busy doing a victory dance that involved him trying to do the Harlem Shake, but failing horribly.

“Now what are you doing?” Mokuba asked, trying not to laugh at Kaiba’s horrible dancing.

“I’m doing my victory dance. I hit the target.”

Kaiba stopped dancing, put on his boots, and headed for the door.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m bored. I’m going for a walk,” Kaiba said, going out the door.

-O-o-O-

Yugi was bored.

He was walking down the street, just looking for something to do. It was his grandad’s bingo night and his cousin, Yami, had gone with him because he likes games. Yugi had chosen to do something else.

“It’s times like these that make me wish I had a girlfriend,” Yugi thought jokingly.

Kaiba just happened to be walking down the same street at the same time. He was starting to calm down over his altercation with Noah. Now he was just bored and wanting something to do.

Kaiba and Yugi ran into each other—literally. Yugi was walking past and he didn’t see Kaiba because it was dark and Kaiba was wearing black. Kaiba was walking and staring straight ahead, so he didn’t see Yugi because he didn’t look down. Yugi accidentally put his foot out too far to the left; Kaiba tripped on it and ended up on the ground.

“OW!” Kaiba yelled.

“Oh, crap! Kaiba, I’m sorry, let me help you up,” Yugi said, going over to Kaiba.

“Yugi, it’s okay. I can get up on my own. I guess I shouldn’t have worn black at night, huh?” Kaiba said, getting to his feet.

“No, I should’ve been watching where I was going,” Yugi said.

They both walked together for a while.

“So…do you wanna come back to the game shop and duel with me?” Yugi asked.

“Sure,” Kaiba answered.

Kaiba and Yugi made their way to the game shop. They weren’t exactly in the shop, because they were in Yugi’s room. They had decided to duel the old-fashioned way, without an arena or duel disks (Kaiba hadn’t brought his anyway).

Kaiba ended up losing to Yugi. Fortunately, he didn’t go all psycho over it.

“I always lose to you,” Kaiba said, shuffling his deck. He looked a little annoyed.

“Losing isn’t that bad,” Yugi said, trying to cheer Kaiba up.

Yugi’s large lavender eyes met Kaiba’s blue ones. Their faces got closer and closer, until……

Yugi and Kaiba began to kiss.

After a few seconds, Kaiba pulled away, saying, “No…I can’t do this….Keith wouldn’t like it.”

Yugi stopped. “How is your relationship with Keith, anyway?”

Kaiba looked somewhat upset, so Yugi started to regret asking the question. “He’s been ignoring me for some reason…I don’t know why. I think he’s losing interest in me,” Kaiba muttered.

“That’s awful! I knew Keith was low-down, but that’s just not right,” Yugi said, angrily.

Kaiba was surprised. He didn’t think Yugi cared that much about their relationship.

“If Keith is thinking about breaking up with you, he’s a loser. He doesn’t deserve you,” Yugi said.

“Thanks,” Kaiba said. “You know, Yugi, Keith doesn’t have to know about us kissing. So, if you want to continue, it’s okay with me.”

Yugi’s face brightened and his eyes gleamed mischievously. “I’d like to continue…I’d really like to continue.”

One thing led to another, and pretty soon, their clothes were off, and……unlock the power of your imagination to guess what happened next.

‘If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I’d-a been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?’ (author's note: Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex)

When they were done….doing their thing, Yugi noticed that the protective device that he was using had burst. “Uh, Kaiba, our ‘protection’ broke.”

Kaiba sighed. “What else is new?”

“So, was this your first time?” Yugi asked.

Kaiba hesitated to answer. He didn’t know if he should tell Yugi about what he did with Keith.

From Kaiba’s silence, Yugi could tell what Kaiba was thinking. “It was Keith, wasn’t it? He was the one who took your virginity, wasn’t he?” Yugi asked.

“I swore I’d never tell you this, but yes. He was,” Kaiba answered.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about it. It just really makes me mad how he did that to you, and now he’s ignoring you,” Yugi said, stroking Kaiba’s hair. “He shouldn’t be ignoring you, he should be treating you with the respect you deserve.”

“I don’t feel like I deserve much respect now. I feel like a cheap whore,” Kaiba said, quietly.

“Well, you’re the farthest thing from a whore,” Yugi told him.

Suddenly, they heard footsteps on the stairs, then somebody saying, “I’m home!”

It was Yami.

“What’s Yami doing home so early?! I thought he was playing bingo with Grandpa and all those old people!” Yugi exclaimed.

The two boys scrambled to hide Kaiba’s clothes. Kaiba hid in Yugi’s bed and Yugi sat down in front of him, pulling his clothes on. Yugi was finally dressed, just as Yami walked into the room.

“I thought you were playing bingo with Grandpa,” Yugi said.

“I was, but these two old people got into a fight because they both had bingo and only one person could win. One of them threw his walker at the other, and the other one tried to run over him with his wheelchair. Then everyone started throwing their canes and cards at each other. It got sort of crazy, so Grandpa sent me home,” Yami explained. “Hey, whose deck is this?” He had spotted a dueling deck on the desk. He picked it up and looked at it.

“This looks an awful lot like-no, correction, it is Kaiba’s deck! Was Kaiba here?” Yami asked.

“Well, you could say that,” Yugi said, stalling.

“I have to sneeze,” Kaiba thought.

“What does that mean?” Yami asked.

“Ah-choo!” Kaiba sneezed.

Even though it wasn’t a big sneeze and it was muffled by the bedcovers, it was big enough to be heard by Yami. He rushed over to the bed.

“All right! Whoever’s under there, come out!” Yami said, afraid it might be a robber who snuck into Yugi’s room.

Kaiba hesitantly poked his head out from under the covers.

“Kaiba?!” Yami was shocked.

“Hello, Yami,” Kaiba said sheepishly.

Yami was about to pull the covers off Kaiba to help him out (Kaiba was practically buried in covers), but Kaiba said, “Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’m kinda…..not wearing any clothes..”

“Oh, crap, I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay, Yami. Could you please hand me my clothes?”

Yami handed Kaiba the pile of his clothes. Kaiba put his shirt and socks on, but he realized that there was something missing.

“Have you seen my underwear?” Kaiba asked.

“What do they look like?” Yami asked.

“They’re white boxers with Blue Eyes White Dragons on them.”

Yami and Yugi started to search for the underwear, but they couldn’t find it. They heard the door close downstairs.

“It’s Grandpa,” Yami said.

They started to speed-search, but Yugi’s and Yami’s room was always a mess, so they had no luck.

Mr. Moto’s footsteps were getting closer and closer.

Kaiba pulled his pants on, sans underwear, and grabbed his deck.

“I have to go,” Kaiba said. “You’ll get in trouble if your grandfather finds me up here like this.”

“But what about your underwear?” Yugi asked. “You need it.”

“I’ll manage without it. I’ll help you look later,” Kaiba said, putting his deck in his pocket.

“That’s okay, we’ll give it to you when we find it,” Yami said.

With a slight wave, Kaiba climbed out the window and went home.

Yugi and Yami watched Kaiba’s retreating figure.

“Can you imagine the chafing? We’d better find that underwear,” Yami said.

Yugi was lost in thought, daydreaming about a boxer-less Kaiba.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Clearly, the sexiest song in the world is Rednex's "Cotton Eye Joe."

You Got Played: Kaiba Gets Cheated On While I Play Unfitting Music (Part Three of Five)

It is becoming apparent that the concept of a songfic (a fic that includes song lyrics that actually make sense with the plot) was lost on teen!me.

Part one is here. Part two is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg for real this time (bonus “even pregnancy of the male variety does not work that way” content); vomit mention; Bandit Keith being a prick; everybody is kind of an idiot; author’s notes to give track listings; abortion mention; anti-abortion protesting and abortion being outlawed mention; cheating; terrible OC; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; Yami/Atem is corporeal for some reason; Blue Eyes White Dragon underwear as a plot point

-O-o-O-o-O-

The next morning, Noah was thinking (or obsessing) over the argument he had with Kaiba.

“Maybe Seto’s right. Maybe I only think Keith’s cheating because I don’t like him. Maybe I just like butting in too much,” he thought. “No! That’s wrong! I saw Keith cheating with my own two eyes-twice! Maybe this is one of these things that he needs to find out on his own.”

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Kaiba was puking his guts out. He had no idea why he was doing it, but he knew it was worse than it had been the morning after he did it with Keith.

Mokuba walked in. “Seto! Are you okay?” he asked, worried.

“I’m fine, Mokuba, I’m probably just coming down with something,” Kaiba answered. “I must’ve caught it from Yugi’s room. I think Yami had the flu last week.”

“What were you doing in Yugi’s room?” Mokuba asked.

“We….we were….um…..we were kinda, sorta, maybe doing it,” Kaiba answered. “But don’t tell Noah.”

There was a period of silence.

“Maybe you’re pregnant,” Mokuba said jokingly, trying to get Kaiba to relax.

Unbeknownst to Mokuba, Kaiba took his joke seriously. Kaiba grabbed his trenchcoat, ran to the drugstore, and bought a pregnancy test. When he got home, he went back into the bathroom and, following the instructions in the box, peed on the white oval on the little plastic stick. After about a minute, he looked at the oval. There was a blue plus sign on the oval.

Kaiba’s grip on the test tightened until the plastic stick snapped in his hands.

-O-o-O-

“That test is wrong. There is no way I could be pregnant,” Kaiba thought angrily. He washed his hands vigorously, then dumped the test in the garbage can. “But….it wouldn’t hurt to go to the doctor and see if the test could be right.”

Kaiba went to the doctor’s office (he had made an appointment earlier), where the test was proved right.

“It has to be Keith’s. But I can’t tell him. He’ll probably dump me even faster. And I definitely can’t tell my brothers. I don’t want to worry Mokuba and Noah would go ballistic,” Kaiba thought.

Meanwhile, at the Muto residence, Mr. Muto was taking the laundry out of the dryer when he found an odd piece of underwear. It was a pair of white boxers with Blue Eyes White Dragons on it.

“What’s this? I’ve never seen this underwear before,” he thought. He decided to go ask Yami and Yugi about it.

“Yugi? Yami? Is this your underwear?” Mr. Muto asked, giving them the underwear.

“Um….yeah, it’s my underwear,” Yami answered.

“Really? It looks a little big for you.”

“Yeah! That’s why….uh, that’s why I’m….I’m gonna take it back to the store for a refund! Yeah, that’s what I’ll do!” Yami said, trying so hard not to sound fake.

“I’ll take it back for you, Yami!” Yugi said. “Because I know where you got it!” Yugi sounded extremely fake.

“Thanks!” Yami said.

“I’ll just take this back to the store and not to Kaiba’s house because it’s not his underwear!” Yugi said.

“What was that last part you said?” Mr. Muto asked.

“I said…..maybe I’ll find another pair! Yeah, that’s what I said!” Yugi said.

“Okay,” Mr. Muto said, then he left.

“That was close,” Yugi and Yami thought.

-O-o-O-

Yugi set off, underwear in his pocket, to find Kaiba. He decided to go to Kaiba’s house first.

Kaiba was pacing the floor, wringing his hands, and worrying about his relationship with Keith when he heard the doorbell ring. He went to go answer it since Mokuba and Noah were doing something else.

Yugi was standing outside. “This is a really big mansion,” he thought. “I bet Kaiba has a really big bedroom….and a huge bed……Wait, what am I thinking?! Why did I just think that?! Okay, stay calm, think normal thoughts…This underwear looks a little stretched out in the butt…..Kaiba’s got some junk in his trunk…What the hell?!”

At that moment, the door swung open and Kaiba came out.

“Hey, Yugi,” he said.

“Hi, Kaiba,” Yugi said. “I brought you these.” He held the underwear out to Kaiba.

“Thank you,” Kaiba said, taking the underwear.

Yugi started to stare straight ahead—at Kaiba’s crotch. “I wonder if he’s wearing any underwear now,” Yugi thought.

“Um..Yugi? I’m up here.” Kaiba was looking down at Yugi with a concerned expression on his face.

“What?” Yugi looked up. “Oh, sorry.”

“So, would you like to come in?” Kaiba said, stepping back to let Yugi in.

“No, thanks. I should probably get going,” Yugi politely declined.

“Are you sure?” Kaiba really wanted Yugi to stay. He liked being with Yugi.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay.”

“Bye, Kaiba.”

“Good bye, Yugi.”

Kaiba watched Yugi’s short, retreating figure.

“Yugi’s so sweet…I love him…..What the—I love him?! But that’s not right…I’m having Keith’s child…How can I love Yugi that way?”

For the first time in his life, Kaiba was utterly confused.

Yugi walked home with his hands in his pockets.

“Kaiba’s changed a lot since Battle City,” Yugi thought. “He seems a lot nicer…and hotter…Why am I suddenly wishing that he’d break up with Keith?”

‘I used to pride myself on being the other man, But now it’s flipped and I don’t want you with no other man.’ “I guess we’re only meant to be friends, or dueling rivals…” ‘Why can’t you understand anything I’m offering? I gave you the world but you just wanted arguing.’

“I still wish he’d come over to the game shop more often.”

‘Won’t you come on and go with me? Come on over to my place. Won’t you sit yourself down and take a seat? Let me ease your mind. We’re gonna do it our way.’ (author’s note: My Place - Nelly)

-O-o-O-

The next day, Kaiba sat on the subway with his brothers.

“How am I going to tell Keith about his child? He might not like the idea of becoming a father so young. And because the anti-abortion groups protested, I can’t get an abortion. I could never bring myself to abort a child, anyway…I’m afraid to tell him, but I can’t wait till it’s too late,” Kaiba thought.

‘Sitting on a crowded train, It’s all good, it’s all good, it’s all good. Wishing all the time away, Til that day, that day!’

“On the other hand, he might be okay with all of this. I wish I knew what he was thinking.”

‘Oh, Seto, hold on. Just hold on, and on, and on, and on. Oh, Seto, be strong. Just hold on, and on, and on, and on.’ (author’s note: Jesse Hold On - B*Witched)

The train reached the stop. The Kaiba brothers got off and ascended out of the subway station and walked to the mall.

They were walking around the mall. Mokuba and Noah were trying to pick up girls and Kaiba was just along for the ride. He was also hoping that he would see Yugi there.

The brothers were sitting on a bench in an obscure part of the mall, when they suddenly heard someone yell, “Bandit Keith, what’re ya doin’?!”

Kaiba recognized the someone as Joey, but he didn’t think much of it because Joey was always running around, talking at the top of his voice. But then he heard Yugi ask, “Bandit Keith, who’s this girl?”

Kaiba snapped to attention. He began to walk closer to get a closer look. Mokuba and Noah followed him.

He saw Joey and Yugi looking at Keith and some other girl. Joey and Yugi looked shocked and horrified. Keith looked like he was thinking, “Shit, I’ve been caught.” The girl had a “what-the-hell-is-going-on” type of expression on her face.

“Um.. This is my girlfriend,” Keith said, stupidly.

“But I thought you were wit’ Kaiba,” Joey said. Then it hit him. “Wait a minute…..You’re cheatin’ on `im!”

“Bandit Keith! How could you cheat on Kaiba?!” Yugi yelled. Keith was staring at something—or someone—behind Yugi. “Hey! Look at me when I’m talking to you!” Yugi shouted.

“Uh, Yuge? I think he’s starin’ at Kaiba,” Joey said.

Yugi turned around and saw Kaiba standing there. “Oh, no…..”

Kaiba stared in disbelief. “He’s got a girlfriend,” he thought, “and she’s beautiful….”

Kaiba had an expression of mostly anger and disgust on his face. But Yugi could also see, in Kaiba’s eyes, that Kaiba was heartbroken.

Kaiba ran off to the bathroom silently.

“Kaiba, wait!” Yugi called.

But Kaiba didn’t even look back.

-O-o-o-

“He has a girlfriend,” Kaiba thought angrily. “I’ve been such an idiot. How could he possibly want to be with someone like me, when he could be with that sexy girl? How could I let myself get tricked like that?”

Kaiba walked out of the stall he had been sitting in and splashed some water on his face. Then he exited the bathroom.

Noah and Mokuba were waiting outside the bathroom.

“Let’s go home,” Mokuba said.

So they went home, since they were tired of the mall, anyway.

Meanwhile, at the mall, Yugi and Joey were still chewing Keith out for cheating. Kyra had gone into a cosmetic store and, being the ditz she is, she didn’t remember what had happened not but five seconds ago.

“You low-down, piece o’ trash cheata! Dis is da lowest thing a guy like you could do! I don’t even like da guy, but how could ya cheat on Kaiba like `dat?!”

As you can probably guess, Joey was doing most of the talking while Yugi seethed silently.

“Listen, dorks! Why don’t you just butt out and mind your own goddamn business?!” Keith yelled as he walked off.

“Man, what an asshole!” Joey exclaimed. Then he looked down at Yugi, who was staring into space. “Yuge, you okay?”

“I hate Bandit Keith.”

Joey was shocked. He had never heard Yugi talking about hating anybody-except this substitute teacher they had once, but she was a bi-otch, so everyone hated her.

“But, Yuge, you don’t hate anybody.”

“Except Bandit Keith. I wish he’d go to hell.”

Joey got scared. “You’re freakin’ me out, Yuge.”

Yugi sighed. “I’m sorry, Joey. I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s just that I hate what Bandit Keith did to Kaiba. He shouldn’t be able to get away with it.”

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Even if you are male, you will not know if you are pregnant the day after you had sex.

You Got Played: This Wouldn't Have Happened if They'd Brought Their Duel Disks (Part Four of Five)

All the drama in this fic and not one card game. Did teen!me even understand this show?

Part one is here. Part two is here. Part three is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg; Bandit Keith being a prick; all the characters are kind of idiots; author’s notes to give track listings; cheating; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; Yami/Atem is corporeal for some reason; Yugi and friends go all Office Space fax machine on Bandit Keith; the 2004 is strong with this one

-O-o-O-o-O-

The next day, Mokuba noticed that Kaiba didn’t seem to be “completely there.” It was as if Kaiba was under a trance of sorts. He barely spoke, slept or ate.

And he didn’t smile. Not even a trace of a smirk could be seen on his face.

Noah hadn’t noticed because he was out, trying to get rid of his anger toward Keith.

Mokuba entered Kaiba’s room. “Seto, what’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself lately.”

“Nothing. I’m fine,” Kaiba said, coldly.

“Seto, I know something’s wrong and it has to do with Bandit Keith. I’m gonna find out sooner or later, so you might as well just tell me now.”

Kaiba sighed. “Noah was right. I couldn’t tell that Keith was cheating on me. But now I see how he did it. We only went out during the night, so he could cheat in the daytime. When we did go out, we went to places where there weren’t a lot of people, so no one would see him cheating. He also made me keep it a secret so no one would know and be able to tell his girlfriend.”

“So, when are you gonna break up with him?” Mokuba asked.

“That’s the problem. I can’t,” Kaiba answered.

“Why not?”

“I can’t.”

“Why can’t you?”

“I just can’t, Mokuba!”

“You have to dump him because he cheated on you, Seto! Why won’t you tell me why you can’t?!”

“I can’t because I’m pregnant with his child, Mokuba! I can’t dump him while I’m having his child!” To Mokuba’s surprise, Kaiba’s eyes started to tear up.

“Seto….You never cry,” Mokuba said, shocked, while Kaiba wiped his nose.

“Who says I’m crying?” Kaiba punched the wall and began wiping his eyes.

Mokuba started to hug Kaiba as Kaiba continued to cry. “Don’t worry, Big Brother. Everything’ll be all right, somehow.”

Meanwhile, Noah was taking a walk. He was still fuming about Keith’s actions.

“How could he do that to Seto?! He was the perfect boyfriend towards Keith. How could he hurt my little brother like that?!” Noah thought angrily.

It just so happened that Yugi, Joey, Yami, and Tristan were walking down the same street as Noah. Yugi and Joey had told Yami and Tristan about what Keith had done to Kaiba and they were just as pissed.

Noah met up with the four other boys.

“Keith is a sorry-assed cheater,” Yami declared.

“Yeah. He’s the lowest of the low for playing with Kaiba like that,” Tristan added.

“We should make him pay,” Yugi said in a low, ominous voice.

“Y’know, Yuge, you don’t sound so freaky sayin’ dat anymore,” Joey commented.

As they were walking down the street, Keith came along and practically pushed them all down, saying, “Outta my way, bitches!”

“Hey! You can’t just go around, knockin’ guys ova like dat!” Joey yelled. “And we’re not finished cussin’ you out ova Kaiba!”

Joey, Yami, Tristan, and Noah dragged Keith into a deserted alley while Yugi followed them slowly and eerily, like a stalker following his victim.

“I already said stay the fuck out my business! It’s none of your business whether I cheat on Kaiba or not!” Keith shouted.

“Actually, it became our business when Yugi and Joey told us how they caught you making out with that girl,” Yami said.

“It became my business when you decided to toy with my little brother’s heart!” Noah yelled.

Keith stepped into Yugi’s space. “What about you, little Yugi? When did this become your business?” he taunted.

“The minute you laid your disgusting hands on Kaiba.” Yugi’s voice was eerily calm.

“What does my touching Kaiba have anything to do with you? He was nothing but a whore to me. He was just someone to do when I got bored with Kyra,” Keith sneered.

Yugi was enraged.

“You hurt Kaiba. Now you must pay,” Yugi said.

Yugi, Yami, Noah, Joey, and Tristan descended upon Keith the way a flock of vultures descends upon a carcass and began to beat him like a rented mule. Both Joey and Tristan tackled Keith to the ground. As he tried to get up, Noah kicked him in the shins and knocked him down again. Both Joey and Tristan began to smack and backhand Keith upside his face. Noah started to punch Keith in one of his arms. Keith was now on all fours. Yami began to kick Keith’s butt—literally and repeatedly. Yugi began to kick Keith in his thighs, screaming.

“Seto Kaiba is NOT YOUR WHORE!! HE IS A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS AND YOU HURT THEM! I HATE YOUR STUPID ASS!! I HOPE YOU GO TO HELL!!” Yugi screamed, beginning to punch Keith in his other arm.

Kaiba had decided that he should take a walk to clear his mind. He was walking through the streets of Domino when he heard Keith shouting and Yugi screaming, along with the others.

He stealthily dashed into the alley, following the screaming. At the sight of the five boys beating Keith down, his blue eyes grew wide with horror.

The five boys (and Keith) stopped carrying on and looked up at Kaiba in pure shock. They didn’t expect him to come and find them like this.

Kaiba looked as if he was about to shout, but they couldn’t get a closer look because as swiftly and as quietly as a young deer, Kaiba ran out of there.

“Kaiba, wait! We’re sorry!” Yugi tried to call, but Kaiba only kept running, his long, white trenchcoat flowing behind him.

The other four boys only looked at each other, then continued to beat Keith down.

“WAIT!” Yugi cried out.

The boys looked up.

“This isn’t right! We shouldn’t be hurting Keith,” Yugi said.

“But, Yuge, he hurt Kaiba. We hafta get him back,” Joey said.

“And I have to avenge Seto,” Noah said.

“But two wrongs don’t make a right; we need to help Kaiba through this, but not stand here and fight,” Yugi said.

“That sounds vaguely like Dr. Seuss,” Yami commented.

“Guys, did you see the look on Kaiba’s face? We only upset him even more by doing this.”

They all looked at each other, reluctant to agree. But soon, they realized that Yugi was right.

“All right, Bandit Keith. You can go now. But if I ever see you lay your filthy hands on Seto again, we’re just gonna end up here again,” Noah warned.

Keith walked (or limped) out of there.

Meanwhile, Yugi had run off to catch up with Kaiba.

“If I had known this was wrong earlier, I wouldn’t have encouraged it,” Yugi thought. “Now all I wanna do is tell Kaiba how sorry I am.”

‘It’s like I missed a shot, It’s like I dropped the ball. Damn, I’m sorry. It’s like I’m on stage, And I forgot the words. Damn, I’m sorry.’

Yugi could see Kaiba’s tall, white-clad figure walking toward the rich neighborhood that he lived in.

‘But I’d apologize a million times before, I’d apologize a million more. So here it comes again, For all the wrong I’ve done. So get ready, babe, Here’s one million one.’ (author's note: Sorry 2004 - Ruben Studdard)

“Kaiba, wait up!” Yugi called.

Kaiba slowed down, but he didn’t stop.

“Kaiba,” Yugi said, catching up, “I really need to talk to you.”

“I can’t talk right now, Yugi.” Kaiba continued to walk.

“But, Kaiba, I need to talk to you about what I did.”

“I saw what you did.”

“Kaiba, I wanted to say that I’m sorry for it. I got mad about what Bandit Keith did to you. I let my anger control me and…and that’s it.”

“I can’t talk about it right now, Yugi. I have to go home.” Kaiba almost sounded tearful.

“But, Kaiba, Keith called you a whore!” Yugi didn’t even realize that he said this until it was too late. “Now I’ve done it,” he thought.

At this point, Kaiba could no longer stand it. He broke into a run. Yugi couldn’t catch up to him.

“Kaiba!” Yugi called, but to no avail. “Great, just great. Now I’ve done it.”

At the mansion, Mokuba was sitting around, doing nothing until he heard the door slam. He went into the foyer, just in time to see Kaiba stomp up the stairs.

“Damn…what happened to him?” Mokuba thought.

In his room, Kaiba sat, feeling confused and angry.

“Why would Keith say such a thing? I don’t go around sleeping with everyone…I hate this whole situation..I wish I had never seen Keith cheating..”

‘I don’t wanna know. If you’re playing me, keep it on the low. `Cause my heart can’t take it any mo’. And if you’re playing games, please don’t let it show. Oh, baby, I don’t wanna know….’ (author's note: I Don't Wanna Know - Mario Winans feat. Enya and P. Diddy (wow what terrible timing))

-O-o-O-

The next day, Kaiba woke up with a new goal: Get Keith back.

“I’m not going to take this lying down. I’m going to get my man back,” Kaiba said as he put on his trenchcoat. Noah was standing just outside his door and he heard Kaiba’s plan.

As Kaiba was walking past the door, Noah said, “You really shouldn’t, Seto.”

Kaiba turned around. “Nobody, not even you, can stop me, Noah.” Then he walked out the door.

He found Keith hanging out in a deserted alley. He snuck up on Keith and cornered him.

From the look in his eyes, Keith could tell that this was not the same Kaiba he had slept with and deflowered. “More Agreeable Kaiba” had reverted back to “Creepy, Cold-Ass Kaibitch” in the few minutes it took him to find Keith. He almost completely reverted back to the way he had been before he made friends with Yugi and company—cold, irritable, and just downright unpleasant.

“So, Keith, how’s your girlfriend? And when did you plan on telling me about her?” Kaiba said in a low, threatening voice. He had Keith pinned to the wall. Keith could feel Kaiba’s fingernails digging into his shoulders.

Keith tried to charm his way out of it. “You’re really feisty today. Did mean, nasty Yugi piss in your cornflakes?” Keith grabbed Kaiba’s ENORMOUS buttcheeks.

“GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY ASS!!” Kaiba hollered in Keith’s face. Keith grabbed Kaiba’s shoulders and flung him onto the ground.

Mokuba had followed Kaiba into the alley because Noah had sent him to make sure that Kaiba didn’t get hurt. He ran out from where he had been hiding and yelled, “Hey! You can’t handle Seto like that! He’s-”

“Stay out of this, Mokuba!” Kaiba interrupted. He got to his feet and turned back to Keith. “So why’d you lie to me, Keith?! Why’d you cheat on me after what I’ve done for you?! Do you know that I’m carrying your child?! I know you don’t because you’ve been ignoring me ever since we did it! How could you cheat on me after we had sex?!”

“Listen, Kaiba, it’s nothing personal, but Kyra’s a lot more experienced than you. She’s also a hell of a lot more satisfying,” Keith said.

“So, you’re just going to dump me because I used to be a virgin and because I’m no good in bed. You disgust me. I can’t believe I ever let you lay your filthy hands on me!” Kaiba shouted.

“Will you stop fucking shouting?! Your voice grates on my nerves like sandpaper!” Keith shouted.

Kaiba hauled off and slapped Keith across the face. “That’s for swearing in front of my little brother!” he shouted.

Then he slapped Keith again.

“And that was for getting me knocked up,” Kaiba said quietly. “Come on, let’s go, Mokuba.”

Mokuba followed Kaiba and his long white trenchcoat (and huge butt) out of the alley.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Instead of violence, solve all your problems with card games.

You Got Played: Bandit Keith Howard Must Die Inside (Part Five of Five)

In which I turn a Yu-Gi-Oh fic into a cheesy teen movie (that most teens wouldn't even be allowed into without a fake ID).

Part one is here. Part two is here. Part three is here. Part four is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg (bonus “even pregnancy of the male variety does not work that way” content); Bandit Keith being a prick; all the characters are kind of idiots; author’s notes to give track listings; cheating; terrible OC; terrible OC slut-shames Kaiba; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; Yami/Atem is corporeal for some reason; artistic liberties taken with medical technology

-O-o-O-o-O-

Meanwhile, Kyra had her own plan.

Kyra didn’t care that Keith had sex with Kaiba; hell, she had cheated a few times, too. But for Kaiba to just steal Keith from her like that—that was completely unacceptable by her standards. She wasn’t going to let any trenchcoat-wearing, Blue Eyes White Dragon-loving freak steal her man.

So that afternoon, when she spotted Kaiba walking down the street, little brother in tow, she grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into an area surrounded by bushes and trees. Mokuba saw her grab Kaiba and followed them.

“What the hell?!” Kaiba exclaimed. As Kyra stopped dragging him, he tripped and ended up on the ground. Kyra looked down at him as if she was an arrogant princess and he was a lowly peasant.

‘No matter what you do, He’ll never wanna be with you. He’s into what he’s got (and that’s me), He loves me, He loves you not.’ (author's note: He Loves You Not - Dream)

Kaiba got up, brushed his clothes off, and glared at Kyra.

Kyra had heard Kaiba’s outburst about Keith cheating. She didn’t appreciate Kaiba’s attempt to get his man back.

“What is your problem?!” Kaiba shouted.

“I don’t appreciate you moving in on my man,” Kyra said, evilly, yet seductively.

“What?! He cheated on me with you!” Kaiba retorted.

Kyra shook her head. “Kaiba, you’re so wrong, you’re right. Don’t you realize that Keith never thought of you as a boyfriend? He looks at you as a whore.”

“Don’t call me a prostitute.” Kaiba’s voice got low and threatening, which would be pretty freaking scary if he snuck up on you in a dark alley. “I don’t go sleeping around with everyone and I didn’t get paid for what I did.”

“Well, I’m not gonna let a whore like you steal my boyfriend just because your damn condom popped!” Kyra shouted.

“Well, maybe you should because I had him first!” Kaiba retorted.

“That’s a heaping pile of bullshit! I had him first! I’ve had him for a whole month!” Kyra shouted.

Kaiba’s eyes went wide. Kyra sensed weakness and went in for the kill.

“So, how long have you been dating Keith, Kaiba?” Kyra asked.

Kaiba said nothing.

“Come on, Kaiba, tell me how long you two dated!” Kyra pressed, still smiling evilly.

“That is none of your business, Kyra,” Kaiba growled.

“Why don’t I go ask Keith myself? I’m sure he’ll be happy to tell me how long you two dated. Or should I ask Noah? And he’ll surely want to hear what you did with Keith after he tells me, won’t he?” Kyra taunted.

Kaiba turned red. “Do not test me, Kyra.”

“Then tell me how long you and Keith dated, damn it!”

“We dated for two weeks. Then he started to ignore me.”

“I knew it! I knew he couldn’t have been with you for that long! He only stayed with you long enough to get in your pants, which, since you’re such a whore, obviously wasn’t long!” Kyra laughed evilly.

“Hold up!” Mokuba walked into the clearing. “I don’t know much about this whole situation, but it seems like you two are getting mad at each other for no reason. I mean, you didn’t know that Seto was dating Keith. And Seto didn’t know that you were dating Keith. It seems to me that the real bad guy here is Bandit Keith. He played both of you like Nintendo 64.”

Kaiba and Kyra looked at each other, in silence, for a moment. Finally Kaiba spoke. “What do you propose we do about it, Mokuba?”

“I propose that you play him back.”

-O-o-O-

A few minutes later, Keith was walking through the park when he saw the most repulsive thing ever (in his opinion).

Kaiba and Kyra were French-kissing on a bench.

“What the fuck is this?!” Keith shouted when he saw them.

Kaiba and Kyra looked up at Keith, then turned back to each other and continued kissing.

“Don’t you turn away from me!” Keith pulled Kyra off of Kaiba. “What the fuck are you doing with my girlfriend, Kaiba?!”

“We’re kissing. Couldn’t you tell?” Kaiba deadpanned.

“Kaiba, there are a million other girls in Domino. Why’d you have to choose my girlfriend?!”

“He chose me because we’re both tired of getting played by you,” Kyra answered.

“What?!” Keith tried to play dumb.

“Don’t act like you don’t know, Bandit Keith. You made both of us believe that we were the only one you were dating. You just wanted to get in both of our pants and feel like you were some kind of sex king for it,” Kaiba said.

“But why are you complaining, Kaiba? You know you liked it,” Keith said, trying to grab Kaiba’s butt again. Kaiba not only pulled away violently, but kicked Keith off of himself. Keith grabbed Kaiba and, before Kaiba could do anything about it, he began to kiss Kaiba on the lips. Kaiba pulled away and spat on the ground.

“You taste like shit!” Kaiba shouted.

Keith only laughed at this. “I love it when you’re nasty, Kaiba. You’re so sexy when you’re mad.”

“Then I must be really sexy now, because you’re really pissing me off!” Mokuba had to hold Kaiba back before Kaiba could cause any bodily harm to Keith.

Then Kyra turned to Keith. “Y’know, you’re a real pig. First, you cheated on me. Then, you tricked Kaiba into sleeping with you and you treat him like a cheap whore. Then you plan to dump him when he’s having your kid. Pardon my French, but you’re an asswipe!” Kyra shouted.

“Well, you shouldn’t be complaining either. You’re a whole lot hotter than Kaiba, so I’ll always come back to you,” Keith said smugly.

“Not this time, Keith! You know that little thing between you and me that’s called a relationship? Yeah, about that: it’s over!” Kyra shouted.

Keith’s jaw dropped at least two inches. Kaiba walked over to him.

“Bandit Keith, if you play with fire, you just might get burned,” Kaiba said.

-O-o-O-

After Keith had walked off, stupefied by what Kaiba and Kyra did, Mokuba, Kaiba, and Kyra shared a victory high-five.

“That was so great! You two really put Keith in his place!” Mokuba cheered.

“We sure did,” Kaiba said.

“Kaiba, I’m sorry I called you a whore. I didn’t mean it, you’re really not a bad guy,” Kyra said.

“It’s okay,” Kaiba said. “And I’m sorry I almost stole your boyfriend.”

“It’s okay, you didn’t know he was dating me.”

As Kyra turned to leave, she said, “And you’re not a bad kisser either.”

Kaiba blushed. “Thanks.”

Later that day, Kaiba was walking down the street, alone. He was happy that he had put Keith in his place, but he was sad that Keith wouldn’t ever want to be with him. A part of him hated Keith and wanted him to drop off the face of the earth, yet another part of him wanted Keith to come back and take responsibility for his actions.

“What am I supposed to do with his child? I can’t raise it all by myself,” Kaiba thought. “And why would Keith want to do what he did? Why would he just take my virginity, then dump me like that? How could I be so stupid?!”

‘How you gonna up and leave me now? How you gonna act like that? How you gonna change it up? We just finished making up. How you gonna act like that?’

Kaiba reached his home. He went up to his room and lay down.

‘How you gonna act like we don’t be making love? You know we be tearing it up, breaking stuff, and getting rough. How you gonna trip, How can you forget? How you gonna act like that?’ (author's note: How You Gonna Act Like That - Tyrese)

Mokuba went into Kaiba’s room. He found Kaiba lying on the bed, staring into space.

“I can’t believe Noah was right, Mokuba. I acted like such a pompous idiot. He kept trying to warn me and I wouldn’t listen,” Kaiba whispered.

“Seto, you’re not an idiot. You were just being protective of your boyfriend because you loved him. It’s not your fault that Keith was a low-down cheater. You deserve someone better than him, anyway, so forget about him,” Mokuba said.

“But how can I forget about him?! I’m having his kid!” Kaiba growled.

“Don’t worry, Seto, we’ll figure something out. Everything will be okay,” Mokuba said, hugging Kaiba.

Noah heard their conversation and entered the room. “Are you okay in here?”

“Noah, you were right. I should’ve listened to you when you said that Keith was cheating on me. I’m a jerk,” Kaiba said.

“No, you’re not a jerk. I didn’t want to be right. I just didn’t want you to get hurt. I only wanted you to be happy,” Noah said.

Kaiba’s exhaled heavily. “Thanks,” he said, starting to smile again.

“But you say you’re having Keith’s child. How can you break up with him?” Mokuba asked.

Noah took a second to recover from this shocking news, then he responded, “He can’t, Mokuba. I’m going to go to Bandit Keith and force him to take responsibility for what he did.”

“You can’t do that, Noah. He’ll only end up cheating again,” Kaiba said.

Then, Mokuba thought of something that changed everything. “What if it’s not Keith’s?” he mused to himself.

He didn’t realize that Noah had heard him. “What did you say?”

Mokuba realized that he had said it out loud. “Uh, nothing?”

“It’s okay, Mokuba, he’d find out sooner or later, and I’d rather it be sooner than later,” Kaiba said. “I did it with Yugi, too.”

Noah stared at Kaiba in shock. “Did it ever occur to you that it could be Yugi’s child?”

“No, it didn’t. Because I started getting the symptoms after I did it with Keith. It couldn’t be Yugi’s kid,” Kaiba stated.

“Well, just to be sure, I’m taking you to the doctor to find out,” Noah said.

Due to amazing advances in technology (and the fact that this is just a fictional story), a machine had been invented so an expectant mother could tell who the father of the child was. All they would need was a sample of Yugi’s DNA.

They had their sample; it was a few strands of Yugi’s hair, taken from Kaiba’s trenchcoat. They knew it was Yugi’s hair because it was tri-colored and they made sure it was Yugi’s and not Yami’s.

“I’m telling you, it’s not Yugi’s child. You’re wasting your time, Noah,” Kaiba said, as they went to the doctor.

“I just want to be sure, Seto,” Noah said.

After the test, the doctor showed them the results. “Seto Kaiba, I have determined that the father of your baby is Yugi.”

“I knew it,” Noah thought.

“I can’t believe it,” Kaiba thought.

That night, Kaiba reflected on the events of the day, as he lay in bed. He had put his cheating boyfriend in his place, successfully broken the news about his situation to Noah, and found out who the true father of his child was.

“But will Yugi even look at me after I ran off yesterday? I bet he’s already moved on. He thinks that it’s Keith’s child. He probably thinks I’m a freak. That Blue Eyes underwear was a little weird,” Kaiba thought.

As Kaiba drifted off to sleep, he thought, “Where do I go from here?”

-O-o-O-

The next evening, Yugi decided to go to the park to listen to music. It was a nice, quiet day. The setting sun painted the sky brilliant shades of red and violet. Yugi listened to his portable tape player, admiring the nature while running through the park.

Kaiba, who had decided to stop moping around the house and go outside, was walking through the park, too. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice the sunset that much.

It was getting dark. Yugi was wearing black as he walked toward Kaiba. Kaiba didn’t see Yugi and Yugi wasn’t really watching where he was going. The two ran smack into each other, knocking them both over.

“Oh, crap! I’m so sorry, Kaiba!” Yugi exclaimed, running over to help Kaiba up.

“Yugi, we’ve gotta stop meeting like this,” Kaiba said, smiling as he got up.

“I keep knocking you off your feet,” Yugi commented.

“In more ways than one,” Kaiba thought silently. He said out loud, “Yugi, I have to tell you something.”

Yugi looked up with interest. “So do I.”

“I love you, Yugi,” Kaiba said quickly.

Yugi stared at Kaiba. “That’s certainly different.”

“If you don’t love me back, I’ll understand,” Kaiba said, turning away.

“No, I do. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I love you, too,” Yugi said.

“Really?” Kaiba asked.

“Really,” Yugi answered.

Yugi and Kaiba hugged.

“Yugi, I have something else to tell you. I’m pregnant with your child,” Kaiba said.

“But, I thought it was Keith’s child,” Yugi said.

“No. I was wrong. It’s yours,” Kaiba said.

“Then, maybe we can get married,” Yugi said.

They sat down on a bench.

“Do you wanna listen to music?” Yugi asked.

“Sure,” Kaiba answered.

Yugi took out the tape player, put a tape in, pressed play.

As they listened to the music, Yugi remembered something that had happened in PE class. “Remember in PE when we had to learn the tango?”

Kaiba chuckled. “It was disastrous. The teacher paired us up and I was too tall to dance with you properly.”

“And I kept stepping on your feet,” Yugi added.

They listened to the music for a while. Suddenly, a song came on that got their attention.

‘Watch the band, Through a bunch of dancers. Quickly, Follow the unknown.’

“Our song is playing,” Yugi joked. “Let’s dance.”

“You think our dancing will be any better?” Kaiba asked.

“Well, I’ve gotten taller and I’ll try not to step on your feet,” Yugi said. “Let’s try the tango.”

“You don’t wanna do such a dance with me. I can’t,” Kaiba said.

“You’ll be fine,” Yugi said.

They began to dance. Kaiba was surprisingly good at it.

“You’re really good at this,” Yugi said.

Kaiba smiled. “Thanks, Yugi.”

They continued to dance in the final twilight of the setting sun.

‘Courage, my word, didn’t come it doesn’t matter. Courage, couldn’t come at a worse time.’ (author's note: Courage - Sarah Polley (I heard it in an episode of Charmed))

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you're going to two-time a guy, make sure he's not better at card games than you.

crumps fursona is in all my nightmares

seto kaiba writes self insert blue eyes white dragon fanfiction

poor Mokuba

5'1 Long auburn hair Thicc and smol Sensitive, energetic, sweet, a bit stubborn and noisy. Loves to eat, Disney fan loves movies, being lazy, anime, memes and animals. and is a writer and an artist. Suffers from depression and anxiety disorders. Swears a lot.

I pair you with…Joey Wheeler!

* You met Joey at a friendly function (small group hangout, big party, at a bar with friends, whichever is most like you!) and you guys hit it off immediately!

* You two both started off as good friends and slowly morphed into best friends! (Thus making yugi sliiiiightly jealous.. he’ll get over it he’s just glad to have more friends!)

* Ofc yugi and the gang invite you over for movies and popcorn! You always request Disney and everyone moans and groans while the polite Yugi Mutou slides in an old VHS tape of Hercules.

* You volunteered to go make the next batch of popcorn, but little did you know Joey slid into the kitchen with you. He was waiting for the perfect time to get you away from the gang. You turned to him confused as to why he was shaking so much and boom! He asked you out and the rest is history!

* Joey loves the huge height difference (about a 10 inch difference!) and will constantly call you cute nicknames like “short stack” and “peanut” just to rile you up. Joey loves the fact that you’re dummy thicc. He loves all your shapes and curves.

* He also loves your stubbornness despite the fact that it causes you two to get into heated discussions sometimes.

* Joey loves these green outfits on you because they match so well with your hair!

* Joey appreciates and loves your artistic side. He wants to make a date of you showing him how to do some art techniques!

* It’s known that Joey isn’t much of a reader but your writings seem to engulf him into a world hes never known.

*Your favorite thing about Joey is his fun loving and hilarious personality. He always makes it a goal to cheer you up whenever you are down.

* Be careful with this relationship though! You two are both very energetic and emotional. You need to learn how to read signs of when you both need your space.

Song that represents your relationship:

“Something Stupid” by Michael Buble and Reese Witherspoon

fillershipping for my brother!