Tw Self Harm - Tumblr Posts

Why do you say medically recognized system rather than diagnosed?

Good question; it boils down to how we access our therapy.

New Zealand has a recovery program covered by ACC (accident compensation corporation) for all New Zealanders that have experienced sexual assault within the country. To qualify, an individual must meet the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD) related to the sexual assault event/s. If they reach the diagnostic criteria for PSTD, the assessor/s will submit a recommendation for long term support, which in our case was approved. From there, individuals find a support person, councillor/therapist/psychologist, or whatever works for them, and their support person will communicate with ACC regarding the person's recovery.

The accessors we had completely refused to screen for DID, despite the referral including a recommendation to screen for it, and us already being suspicious of our dissociative symptoms and experiences aligning with that of OSDD/DID. We received a formal diagnosis of PSTD with high level dissociation. From there, we found a psych who had experience with DID, PSTD, and sexual trauma.

Jay, our therapist supports us and recognises our system, dissociative experiences, and other DID symptoms. When he submitted our recovery report, stated that we had DID, and that they would aid in our trauma recovery; integration, functional multiplicity or whatever pathway we decided to take.

The recovery team declined it (and in doing so, any future support) on the basis that PSTD was the diagnosis and not DID, despite their team never attempting to screen DID - and our therapist stating that he had met various parts/alters, discussed various symptoms and had run us through parts of the diagnostic process. He returned the recovery report with DID edited to state PSTD, and no further questions were asked.

I know Amber/🔥 finds this hilariously depressing. As she puts it, "DID is basically PSTD+, I don't see their issue with the difference, what the f**k?! Both are recognised trauma disorders??!?! and ACC's own website states that DID is a trauma response and has similarity to PSTD" [quote taken from our chat after I told her that ACC declined DID, but accepted PSTD].

Jay dislikes formal diagnosis related to mental disorders as he has had first-hand experience with various psychotic and DID individuals being discriminated against in the medical field, and outside, especially when they have intersecting identities like we do. Quote "It's an ink-blot you can't remove, once it's there, it's there. We can't remove it." and reiterated that if medical professionals need to know why we're disassociated or have bad memory, that it's in relation to PSTD and ADHD.

We have DID recognised by medical professionals; our general practitioner, Jay/our psych and our gynaecologist all know and understand that we have DID and what that means for future, medications and mental health; however we do not have the piece of paper that categorically states that "this person has DID"

I hope this answers it well. You are most welcome to ask more questions if you have them.

-Kyle (💜)

I was thinking of Color doing something like painting a small heart on a bone with nail polish and re-doing it every time it flakes. Of course, this could lead to some dependancy on the action. When it chips and Color doesn't happen to be around at the moment to paint it back on, Killer might either think it means Color doesn't love him, or he might think that now the good mark has worn away, the bad marks in his bones are stronger and have more power over him. Maybe both.

Maybe an item of clothing?

Or maybe Color could give him a kiss and claim that the love in it won't go away. I think that would lead to the least issues.

You know, one of my favorite headcanons is that Nightmare's and Dream's Negativity and Positivity auras cause permanent damage to the soul if used too frequently.

My thought process about it is literally just that they function basically as extraneous bodies influencing the soul from the inside. Meaning that, with enough exposure, an actual extraneous residue can remain inside the soul. It's basically like an incurable infection.

Now, imagine this applied to Killer. Killer who probably chased after the feelings of the aura at least at first because sometimes he needs to feel literally anything at all to not lose it (and because the pain that came after the high was grounding and 'fun' in the way he's been conditioned to regard all pain).

And imagine him after running away from Nightmare and finally finding a a safe space with Color only to be hit with the realization that both of the ones who destroyed him left permanent marks on him (Chara with the very shape of his soul, and Nightmare with the black sludge he can never wash away flowing just below the surface). Imagine Color having to gently but firmly refuse to leave a mark of his own. Because that's not gonna make anything better, not really, it's only gonna hurt Killer further. But Killer insists that he needs it, he needs at least one mark that is from something good- from someone good.

Just, hhhhhhhhhhh, the possibilities for angst with this are so many

I love that headcanon, and the thought of that is kinda sad.

It reminds me of this little comic I came across like a year or two ago where Killer carved Color’s name into his wrist. It was for different reasons, i believe it was because Killer couldn’t think of another way to show Color that he loved him other than to leave something of Color on him permanently and that way he’d never forget him.

I wonder what kind of marking(s) Killer would be looking for here, what he’d be willing to settle for, how desperate would he get and how far would he be willing to go to get what he wants from Color.

Does it need to be something permanent, something small and easily hidden or something big enough to notice? Can it be temporary but frequent, like bite or scratch marks? Would he try to get color to fight and bruise him up. Would he find a way to leave color’s mark on him himself. Would something like a collar from Color or with something that links back to Color work, if it’s not exactly what he wants.

I’d imagine the thought of being marked again, even if by Color, would cause some major conflict between his stages—his dissociative parts, causing a lot of confusion and disturbance.

The body may have been conditioned to enjoy pain and torture, especially in Stage 2, but doesn’t mean Killer wants it or even can mentally or emotionally handle it in other Stages.

If Color marks him in a permanent painful way, somewhere deep down it’d register as a betrayal to Killer—and if Color doesn’t do something, there’s a risk of feeling misunderstood and maybe even rejected—leading to distancing if Color doesn’t approach the subject carefully.

Color is in a very delicate situation, and he has to make a choice or a compromise if he’s willing, but he also has to be prepared for any consequences or pushback that would come from refusing—which he is of course allowed to do.

I can see him being willing to find a safer alternative or compromise, and Killer is going to have to accept that one way or another—no matter how may push at the lines, keep trying to convince Color. And even if he may come very close to straight up begging—trying to convince Color that it’d be good, he can take it, it’s just once, he trusts him, yada yada.

Cause at the end of the day, Color can tell this request is coming from a place of fear and self dehumanization, a need for security and reassurance that Color is willing to give him in safer ways, not a genuine want.

{ @stellocchia }

Happy Pride Month! (again!)

The demons of Saint Cathedral

You wake up to feeling a cold, wet sucking feeling on your toes. You gasp quietly, pulling back your foot and looking to see who the culprit is. “Frollo!” You gasp, seeing your beloved husband gently suckling on your toes. “Toes are not for sucking on!” You scold him.

Frollo’s face crumples. “But I want the BIDDY!” He shrieks.

You look at him sternly. Where are his manners?! “You want the biddy what?” You coax.

“Want biddy please.” Frollo says, pouting innocently.

“Okay. You can have biddy.” You say, taking off your shirt exposing your pillowy breasts. He stares at your nipples with wide eyes and suddenly howls in excitement.

“AWooooooO!OOOO” He howls, leaping forwards and greedily beginning to suckle on your teat like he has been starved for years. You gasp as his teeth dig in, he can’t get enough of the biddy! “MORE MOMMY, MORE.” He growls, ferociously draining your breast of its sweet nectar. Before switching sides he throws his head back and howls again. “AWOOOOoowoooooOOWWO!!!” And then he sucks your other boob dry.

When he realises he has drank all of the delicious substance his eyes darken. “Me want more biddy.” “T-There’s no more Frollo.” You say fearfully as he starts to convulse and foam at the mouth.

“BIDDY.” “No there’s no-” Before you can finish your sentence Frollo pounces, biting down hard on your nipple. Then… he bites your nipple OFF!! You scream in fear and shove him off the bed, your nipple spurting blood everywhere. Frollo chews on it violently like a piece of pepperoni. “That is very naughty Frollo! GO IN TIME OUT!!!” You yell at him. 

He starts whimpering, knowing he has been a bad Frollo. He starts to go into timeout when you get an idea…

“Actually, I have a better punishment in mind…” You smirk deviously, pulling a box out from behind you. Frollo starts cowering and whimpering like a puppy who has been caught pissing on the floor. (Which he has done before.) You open the box… There’s…. A HOLE…. You then command and shout and scream and yell and whip “Get your dick in that hole NOW!”

You then spank his soft and supple asscheeks, staining them red. Frollo obediently puts his dick inside the box, feeling excruciating pain. “WHAT IS IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN BOX?” He asks.

A dark cloud forms over your face…. “Thorns and crabs…”

“You wouldn’t..” Frollo says. You open the box revealing….

The crabs nibbling at his dick, which is red and bleeding, looking like a pepperami from how much flesh the crabs have consumed. They are performing a blood ritual with his penis blood and the thorns, and they are chanting the lyrics to “Butter” by BTS. Then Frollo realises they are calling to Cthulu….

And then Frollo starts panicking and breathing heavily. “What have you done to me? I thought you loved me?!” He cries.

You then shed your skinsuit and reveal your true form…

Satan.

You attach a collar to his neck and his feet. “You’re my crab now…”

“NOOOO WHY!!!” Frollo screams, but his screams get cut off as he begins to transform into a crab. He then scuttles away into the box. “You were always my favourite, dear Frollo,” You say, and then you look down at your bloodied nipple hole. “But that nipple was my most favourite.” You take a dump into the box and shove it away.

But then Frollo grabs the poo with his claw, beginning to write ‘i love you’ with the rancid turd. You notice and start to cry and cut yourself. You squeeze the blood onto the crabs which transforms Frollo into a human again.. But he is a half crab mutation. He still has his claws.

“I have an idea of where you can put those claws..” You say seductively, spreading your legs.

Frollo winks and polishes his claw with his nearby cumsock. He salivates on it to make sure it is nice and wet, then he shoves it up your pussyhole. He opens and closes his massive girthy claw.

“Pwahhhh, FISHY!” You say through a moan.

“Yum yum yum in my tum!” Frollo says as he takes out his claw and sucks off all your liquids. Then.. Frollo grimaces at a sudden irony taste. “Babe.. I think you are on your period.. You look down and see that he is RIGHT. “Oh dear.” You say. “I have no pads left Frollo, you will have to keep me clean throughout my week of bleeding.”

“This will be the week of your life..” Frollo says, before swirling his tongue in your hole to get ALL of the blood and juicy yummy clots.

reframing Omori, or are the endings really black and white?

MAJOR OMORI SPOILERS FOR EVERY SINGLE ENDING PLEASE PLAY THIS GAME I SWEAR ITS SUPER GOOD PLAY ALL THE ENDINGS (OR AT LEAST KNOW ABOUT THEM IF YOU'RE TOO SCARED TO PLAY THE NEUTRAL ENDING BECAUSE GOD KNOWS I WAS TOO)

TW: SUICIDE, GRIEF, LOSS, DEPRESSION, MENTAL ILLNESS, GAME-TYPICAL CONTENT

THIS IS ALSO REALLY LONG BECAUSE I'M INSANE. SORRY.

Right. This will be a big write-up of multiple interpretations of the different Omori endings. I feel like the game is quite black-and-white with how the endings should be interpreted, the achievements literally state what is good and bad for the player (and "other", which is also referred to as the neutral ending). But I don't think things are as good or as bad or as neutral as they seem.

Let's be explicit here - you're meant to get the good ending. The game does everything it can to ensure you get the good ending - even scrapping a daytime Hellmari jumpscare to ensure the player would keep opening the door for Kel. You're meant to save Basil. You're meant to defeat Omori. You're meant to uncover the Truth. You're meant to sit there and cry when Sunny and Mari play that Final Duet. And also, we like a story where there's the possibility for a happier ending! Don't you want these little babies you've follow around for 20 or 80 hours to get some closure and peace?

For these reasons, the good ending is usually considered canon, and I personally think the secret ending is also canon. I'll also be considering both canon for the sake of this post, although that isn't really relevant, since I'm going through all endings.

With this in mind, let's consider each ending.

THE "GOOD" AND SECRET ENDING.

This one is by far the easiest to flip the switch on. Since it's left ambiguous as to whether or not Sunny is forgiven by his friends, it could easily lead to a far worse ending where Hero throws Sunny down the stairs, or he is never forgiven, or other horrible events occur. Arguably, the point of the game is Sunny's personal acceptance, so whether or not his friends forgive him is so irrelevant that it's up for player speculation.

But that's all so simple, and all personal interpretation. I think considering the actual canon is far more interesting, particularly how it may affect Basil.

You could consider the secret ending to be an objective "good" ending - Sunny and Basil are smiling, and the Somethings fade away. But take a look where each Something goes.

Sunny's fades away entirely behind him, because his character arc surrounds finding and accepting the truth, and this means admitting to his friends what he has done. In this way, he also somewhat frees Basil from needing to obsessively hide the truth from the others, which is part of Basil's character arc, and quite crucial for the specific event that traumatised them both. This is healing specifically from Mari's death and the coverup.

But Basil's Something seems to... hide itself. It doesn't fade. It is still there.

Furthermore, the credits. Despite everything, Sunny does move from Faraway, the credits of a car rolling by definitely suggest this. I also don't think this fight would deter Sunny's Mom from wanting to start a new life - in fact, she'd probably want to do so more.

Basil's abandonment issues are unanswered.

I believe these issues have occurred for longer than the day of the recital - Basil takes photos of things he is "afraid to lose", we know Basil's parents are absent - and therefore they are a separate problem Basil needs to heal from. (omocat make an Omori 2 about basil pls it would be so good i swear i swear)

Basil means a lot to Sunny. We can see this in the numerous Basil-related things that appear in Headspace - all the little flower facts, the photo album's integrity to the group, Headspace's insistence they are best friends - and we juxtapose this to Basil's absolute state of panic over potential further abandonment, which is heartbreaking to witness, ending with his psychotic meltdown, furiously begging Sunny to stop leaving him. The abandonment of Basil had a massive affect on Sunny's mindscape, where his friend is constantly missing and tormented in Black Space, a forever reminder of the truth and the world he shut away. And from the way their Follow-Up Moves work, a hurt Basil is also hurt Sunny.

This comes to my final point - the Good ending is not objectively "Good" because of the implications it has for Basil, who has the ability to influence Sunny. Basil is missing a massive part of his healing, which is often why he is mischaracterised by the fandom as an insane yandere. Sure, the ending has the potential for future healing, but this ending also has the potential for further mental decline, and even points to the latter.

The ending is better than the others, yes. But it is far from a "good" ending.

Whether or not Sunny is aware of all this is up to you, which could be altered by whether or not you believe the two share dreams.

THE "BAD" ENDING.

Obviously the bad ending is bad. I am absolutely not encouraging the events of that ending, and I genuinely thought it was the worst possible ending - you did all that work to seek the truth and mend friendships and it leads to... that? - up until I watched this one amazing animation by _ysther. Please watch it for context.

Rolling Girl is about suicide, or severe mental illness, at least. Many people believe that the 'rolling' within the song is a metaphor for self-harm, but you may also consider that it is a metaphor for some half-baked existence - this feeling of being barely alive, surviving off the next hit of a potential future.

This animation frames the ending in a slightly different way, at least in my interpretation - that Sunny is exhaustedly trudging through Headspace, trying to see if there is something there for him, and there isn't. Omori and Sunny's hug at the end of the animation is notable - Sunny is in his hospital gown, and the headspace background fades through the air... this is implicit of the Bad Ending. This animation ends with the bad ending, and in the context of the song, Omori accepts Sunny's exhaustion, and sets him free.

Ultimately, the Truth is overwhelming. That's why Sunny repressed it for four years - it is so horrific that he cannot function in daily life without dissociation, and even with it, he's still a barely functional shut-in. He creates Omori and White/Black/Red Space, and daydreams to cope with his loneliness. At the end of the game, he faces Omori, who convinces him that death is the only option left in a seemingly sadistic way.

But Omori's purpose - just as any mind with suicidal intentions - is not to kill Sunny. His purpose is not only to repress the Truth, but to protect and support him. This is shown in Omori's final hug. When things get overwhelming, Omori convinces Sunny into suicide for their own freedom from suffering. It is a selfish act, which is why Omori spends time deeming Sunny worthy of committing it, but it is also a freeing act.

Furthermore, we know Headspace repeats over, and this repetitive cycle is innate to Sunny's (and many other people's) trauma. Repress, uncover, repress, uncover. Sunny's final fight with Omori was probably not the first, and if Sunny had survived the bad ending, it probably wouldn't have been the last. Omori is the absolute last line of defense, protecting Sunny and his friends from the Truth. This suggests that Sunny wasn't ready for healing, which lead to the bad ending.

The "bad" ending isn't explicitly bad - it is some twisted form of freedom. By killing him, Omori is freeing Sunny from the guilt and pain that has been destroying him for years. This suicide is the ultimate form of self-protection, Omori's final love note to Sunny.

But it is also a symbol of immaturity, though not necessarily a negative one. The bad ending is the implication that Headspace should have repeated, and the Truth needed further repression before Sunny could accept it. Sunny fell into Omori's trap because he simply wasn't ready, and this led to his death.

People always consider this ending in the context of what is best for the group and everyone outside of Sunny's mind, but they don't consider that, to himself and Omori, Sunny is a selfish person who is worthy of one final selfish act for peace.

THE "NEUTRAL" ENDINGS.

While the other segments were focused on greying out the black and white, demonstrating the more subtle implications of the endings, this will be proving that the word "neutral" should never be associated with these endings ever again.

Please note that I am only talking about the neutral endings that occur when you choose not to save Basil on the final night - we will discuss the implications of the Hikikomori route and its endings later.

The neutral endings are, hands down, the worst possible route you can take during the game. One of them is the only ending where three people explicitly die during the game. If you won't take this from a Basil lover, I'm going to prove objectively that this is the worst route for all members of the group, including Sunny.

Firstly, we have to talk about the dialogue that Aubrey, Kel and Hero say when Basil commit suicide.

Aubrey thinks it is her fault, for everything she did to Basil. Aubrey will forever blame herself for Basil's suicide, and this quote implies that. Looking at her expression, she's completely despondent. She isn't crying, she is feeling horrific guilt - not unlike the guilt Sunny feels for the truth. She might even slip into his habits of isolation and repression, or perhaps lash out further to cope.

Kel, on the other hand, is crying - which is incredibly notable for him, because his whole thing is ignorance and smiles - but he isn't blaming himself or the group or even Aubrey, but comparing this death to Mari's. Kel is such a complex character that I have difficulty analysing this particular line, but I personally think Kel is holding some of that childlike confusion, something similar to when he interacted with the depressed Hero. Why does this keep happening? Kel holds his own cycle of ignorance, and here it's broken. Perhaps he's questioning his own ability to "be happy" just as much as he is questioning the deaths.

idk. i'd love to here people's takes on this.

Hero's use of the second font is particularly notable. This font is associated with truth, and in particular, distortion. The most notable characters who use this distorted font are Basil during a breakdown and Omori - both characters associated with severe trauma and repression, trying to hide something. To me, this suggests that Hero is next.

Hero feels like he is the caretaker of the group - and he's failed, again. He thinks he hasn't been doing enough to protect everyone. He may experience another depressive episode, or that same repression followed by obsessively behaviour, trying to keep everyone alive safe. Whatever it may be, Hero is completely broken, as is the rest of the group. This is the end of any remaining functionality that they worked so hard to build up.

After this, viewing Basil's body leads to his door disappearing, as Sunny slips further into his repression. Something is yet again behind Sunny in the mirror, reminding him of the Truth.

I want to now draw your attention to something stated by the disembodied voice in the Map of Truth.

'They' is referring to both Basil and Mari, and at this point, Basil and Mari are dead. Sunny is the only person still alive who knows the Truth.

There is no way he can live with this, which is why the Knife Ending is readily accessible - but only if you explicitly seek it out. Within the knife ending, a dial-up rings forever for a call that will never be answered, as Sunny bleeds out on his bed. Sunny's Mom has lost both her children, and Kel, Aubrey and Hero have lost three of their friends, close enough to be family. This is in no way a "neutral" ending, this is the worst case scenario.

But even the Abandon Ending is unbearable. Sunny is the only one left who knows the truth of Mari's death. Implicitly, he has also killed Basil by the player's choice not to save him - which you could take as suggesting he somehow knew Basil was going to die.

The game shows to us that complete repression of the Truth is not possible. Even in the Hikikomori route, cracks of the Truth show in abstract ways - including Black Space 2 and the simulated Mari fight are good examples, as well as the horrific repeated jumpscares prevalent on the night in the real world before moving day. Even if Sunny moves away from the two ghosts he left behind, he will never be able to repress the Truth forever.

These endings are in no way neutral, and I think that's obvious to everyone. These are the worst endings you can receive, even the biggest Basil hater couldn't stomach all of this. I think.

THE HIKKIOMORI ROUTE.

If the good ending has elements of bad, and the bad ending has elements of good, and the neutral endings...

Well. Then the Hikikomori route is the perfect combination of both good and bad. It captures perfect game mechanics, and the peak of repression, but in some ways, it is the worst route you could consider taking.

On one hand, it's the perfect route for die-hard players. Peak exploration, unique information, the chance to level up and buff your characters, free access to the photo album, boss rush, and so much more. I personally love it, and I carefully plan out every aspect of what I'll do on that One Day Left. For Sunny, it is also a symbol that Omori has achieved his goal of "repression", or the façade of it, and will now sleep forever in peace. Dreamworld Basil is no longer a threat to Omori's perfect world (of which the meeting of the two literally felt like a wedding) and defeating the three Somethings achieves repression. Everything is okay, in Sunny's head.

On the other hand... it's the guiltiest route. The player is making an active decision to reject Kel and reality, which makes you feel guilty. It is incredibly difficult to take this route by pure accident, unless you were paralysed by the Hellmari jumpscare the night before. Unlike the other endings, Sunny never sees the truth in this route, only distorted fragments in Black Space and Black Space 2. Sunny never experiences the Something boss fight, but does still experience a Stranger fight, Headspace's final prayer to accept the truth, before Omori takes over forever.

And I don't know about you. But watching that piano fade away in the Lost Library... I felt shameful. It makes you want to apologise for the world you left behind.

It's quite easy to forget all this in the blur of Headspace, but Basil and Mari at the picnic blanket are a constant reminder. The blanket represents safety and protection, both for the party, but also the two left behind in it. Perhaps the fact he is present in the picnic blanket specifically suggests that Sunny is somewhat aware that Basil has committed suicide.

This route's endings are no more notable than the neutral endings, except Basil doesn't explicitly die in them, but it can be inferred he does from the results of the neutral endings. But the fact that we cannot confirm this just brings back that regret - Sunny has abandoned Basil and his old friends forever, for unrealistic Headspace reflections that Sunny made up. As I stated before, there is no way the Truth can be repressed forever, but it's pure speculation as to what happens after you abandon the group on the Hikikomori route.

thanks for reading, lol. i don't know how to conclusion. let me know your thoughts! this almost felt like stating the obvious half the time but i dunno, it felt cathartic to write.

i may write something about my journey with omori and i may not. this is a place for me to, idk, ruminate on things. i hope i don't become obsessed.

posting tiny snippets of fanfic until someone finds it interesting and i am motivated to finish it, part 1

content warning: self harm.

[KEL MULTIVERSE 1 - 332]

At least 46,656.

Oar dipped into murky, purple waters as Kel pushed himself along the river. How many times had he travelled through this exact spot, in this odd, hand-whittled canoe? He couldn't remember.

46,656 universes. Maybe more. Hopefully more.

Eerie, white light streamed in from the… ceiling? Roof? Could it be the Sun? 

He didn't think this place had a Sun.

But he supposed it didn't really matter.

He pulled himself towards the shore, which was made of an opaque salmon crystal, and pulled his dull, orange canoe onto the bank. He dragged it to one of the many coral-like plants, each brightly coloured with pastel pink, orange, green, and laid it along the plant’s pointy edges to dry. 

Kel sat down, feeling the hard, cool ground beneath him.

He turned his eyes to the fleshy, pink walls surrounding the water. They stood high above him, making him seem like a small bug tasked with climbing a mountain, beating with obscure, lifelike movement. Their ribbed texture reminded Kel of cutting slices of ham with a jagged kitchen knife. 

Ham sandwiches. 

Hero.

The walls themselves seemed to hold their breath.

Kel hesitated. He had tried not to think about this.

How many times had he watched Hero-

Kel put a hand over his mouth, his head spun around, the world began to cave in, heavy smoke filled his lungs, he couldn't breathe, he was dying, he was dying, he was-

Kel stuck his hand into his pocket and grabbed forcefully onto the edge of his knife.

He took a deep breath in as the blood dripped down his fingers. Calmness enveloped him.

Sure, it was an unhealthy way to cope, but what else was he supposed to do? Talk about his feelings to the open air? Wait for comfort no-one would give him? Waste time letting a panic attack occur?

Fast relief was far more important than worrying over his mental health. He had things to do.

Kel pulled a wrap of white bandages out of his pocket and pulled some around his bleeding hand, leaning back on the pulsating wall. He dipped his knife into the river, and pulled it out completely clean.

The light began to fade, and Kel realised he wouldn’t be able to travel to the Forest tonight. 

I'll have to set up camp.

Omori and its parallels with OCD, or my personal connection to this game

SPOILER WARNING: AS USUAL, MAJOR OMORI SPOILERS FOR MOST ENDINGS AND THINGS.

CONTENT WARNING: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM, SUICIDE, SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS, DEATH, LOSS AND OMORI-TYPICAL CONTENT. I will also be referring to my own intrusive thoughts a lot, so please take caution if it might trigger you to spiral.

DISCLAIMER: I AM BY NO MEANS A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. I am in the process of seeking a diagnosis (we're getting there :) ), but it has been otherwise confirmed by professionals that I experience OCD. This post is about my personal experience with OCD and trauma, and the way I believe these feeling manifest in the game. I don't believe Sunny or Basil experience OCD, but I want to compare my experiences with obsession, compulsions and trauma-related OCD. Other people may have completely different experiences, and those are valid!

You could call this catharsis, some form of healing. Really I'm doing this for myself, which was kind of why I started writing Omori analysis in the first place (???). and im a nerd for this game

Guilt

Guilt has always been one of my biggest hurdles, and it's also a very relevant theme in Omori.

For the longest time, my brain and I have been actively trying to develop compulsions to cope with guilt, and it seems to consistently fail. I've tried singing songs on repeat, extreme self-harm, distraction, avoidance ect, and nothing seems to work. Sure, I've never committed recital day, but even small things can make me feel horrifically guilty, as my intrusive thoughts tell me I'm a horrible person or a liar.

I see this in Sunny, too. For the longest time, his mind has been trying to cope with the guilt, and it chose to delve deep into repression. But no matter how much he represses, the truth is still there, and so that guilt is still there.

The Fear Polaroids in the Omori Route are also a representation of guilt, as is the mirror during the Truth segment, both depicting Sunny has a hideous demon. My intrusive thoughts depict me as a demon, too, doing horrific things to myself and others. The images of mutilated, demonic Sunny capture the... inhumanity that my mind makes me feel.

I get it, Sunny. I don't feel human either.

Mewo's Death as an Intrusive Thought

Cat Dissection is an interesting area of Black Space, in that its immediate relevance to the truth is less obvious. It's also one of the more horrifying ones - on my first playthrough, I was running blind, and I figured you'd have to kill Mewo for the key. You do not. my biggest regret

Mewo is obviously linked to Mari, but at the time, we'd only ever seen this slightly mentioned in the real world photo album. At that point in Black Space, Mewo was closely tied to Sunny and Omori, being an essential part of White Space.

The player can stab themselves to get out, or cut open Mewo and suffer the regret. This room feels very reminiscent of a gruesome intrusive thought that just won't go away, those days where you see yourself murdering all your friends, or violently injuring yourself. Much of Sunny's hallucinations, or creatures like Something, also mimic this kind of thing.

That room has far deeper analysis to dive into, but this is as far as I'll go for this segment.

Compulsive Behaviour - Repetition

Basil is probably the first character that comes to mind when I think of compulsive behaviour. His most iconic line...

This sort of repetitive action is the root of a compulsion - an attempt to relieve anxiety. Whether or not Basil fits the criteria of needing repeat those words otherwise something bad might happen is unknown, but this sort of behaviour is very relatable in my experience.

I have a tendency to not be consciously aware, but others notice that I'll mumble things to myself. Typically this is me trying to talk back to my intrusive thoughts, as far as I know, and trying to confirm to myself that they're wrong. This will often end in asking someone else or doing research to confirm.

By repeating these things, Basil is trying to ward off the reality, which is that everything isn't okay at all, and likely won't be. But the specific framing is future-oriented - he isn't saying that things are okay right now, he's saying that they will be. This could link to my later point about uncertainty.

Avoidance

Not many people talk about avoidance behaviours as a compulsion, which is probably why much of my OCD went unnoticed as a child. You don't really consider mental compulsions, and avoidance can be very easily hidden, especially if you the ability to force yourself through something if you have no other options.

While it's not exactly the same, Sunny's repression of rooms in his house and the shaking head that prevents you from going to particular areas are forms of avoidance. The sliding glass door that leads to the backyard and the piano room are the most notable - it's not repressed, it's there, but Sunny shakes his head every time you interact with it. He can't go in there. He just can't. There's no explanation for the player.

I relate to that. I have strange rules that mean I can't do things. I just can't. There's no real explanation for myself, either, and sometimes I don't even get intrusive thoughts of the consequences, just some insistence that I can't do it. Perhaps this was confusing or frustrating for the player, but I found it incredibly realistic.

Uncertainty and Abandonment Issues

I've heard somewhere that OCD is, ultimately, a fear of uncertainty. As a result of this disorder, combined with trauma, I also have abandonment issues the way Basil does.

Even before the recital day, Basil's abandonment issues are prevalent. He clings to the group with the photo album, preserving his memories. He took photos of the things he didn't want to lose. After the recital day, Basil really did lose everything, and he was broken as a result of that.

I imagine this sort of thing was one of his regular worries, everyone abandoning him, Sunny in particular. And I can relate to that - one of my more common intrusive thoughts is others leaving me after they find out I've done something horrible. It makes you want to shut off from relationships, just to be safe - what if everyone leaves?

I think that 'what if' is what made Basil so attached to Sunny in the present day of the game. He wants to save Sunny, he wants to make things back to the way they were before, but at the same time, there's this uncertainty - Sunny is moving? Sunny is leaving? What will happen? What if everything gets worse?

This wasn't the easiest to write, but thank you for reading.

Turns out scratching yourself when agitated is actually really bad for you

iit's bit funny to me that i have just cut myself to the bone several times and watched it bleed for more than half an hour and now i'm chilling on tumblr like nothing happend.

A flat commission done for @chronophanthom !! Thank you for your support!

This is vent art I made when I wanted to hurt myself, so that I wouldn't. If you struggle with these types of urges, there are many other ways to cope, and the damage self harm can bring to you physically and mentally is not worth the temporary relief. Even if you don't cut, but hurt yourself in other ways, it's still damaging long term. Everyone is different, but I would recommend creating something, no matter what it is, or whether or not you're good at it. Self-expression is important, and sometimes it's not always safe or easy to express yourself to others. Writing, poetry, drawing, acting, singing, dancing, heck even lip-syncing to a song you relate to in the mirror, is helpful. Find some way to get the emotion out, and remember that your emotions are valid, and that it's not your fault. ❤️❤️❤️

hence the hiatus

i'm careful to use the term depressed. i don't know how you act or feel when you are depressed but i know it's a serious thing to be, and it's not to be used lightly. i don't think i'm depressed.

last night was, what i'm thinking, probably my official breaking point. i was ready to hurt myself, for real, for the first time ever. i've had a tough couple of months, and the last week especially has been... honest to god, hell for me. the fandom and the wank there are just getting too much, which has been going on for a while. but then i got hate and then people sent my girlfriend hate because of me. it wasn't even hate to her, it was hate to her about ME. which i don't get? i don't get hate at all, but, ???

and i acted stupidly yesterday. i feel like i'm in no control of my emotions, i keep hurting people without meaning to, i don't see when they hurt the way i used to before. i did something that had huge consequences for my relationship and today my girlfriend broke up with me. i'm not even sure if she likes me talking about it openly, but that helps ME getting through it. not having to talk to a specific person, just write it down. i don't know if anyone will read this, but it always helps me to write things down on my blog. that's how i am. i can't help it.

but yeah, she broke up with me and i get it. i totally do. i told myself i wouldn't beg for her to re-concider but i did. i'm in love with her, y'know? how could i not? but we're not getting back together. which hurts as fuck but i'm supporting her decision 100% present. if that's what makes her happy, if that's what she needs, then i won't stand in the way. not only am i in love with her but she's my best friend and i don't want her to be hurt.

i just want us to remain friends. that's all i want. that's all i need.

so this is why i'm on hiatus. it won't be long, a week tops. or so i think right now.

part 3 out of 3 for season 3. spoilers for late season 3!

welp heres 5 post mind control, a total wreck who is exclusively powered by the screaming rage and terror at the thought of moonchild getting what she wants.

1. growing their hair out and cutting their beard are now severe triggers for them. they obsessively trim their hair far shorter than normal but will cut you if you go anywhere near the beard. dyed their green the most eyewatering, unnatural shade of neon green they could find as an act of panicked defiance and to try and regain some autonomy.

2. insomnia took a hard turn for the worse accompanied by nightmares and panic attacks.

3. fell off a seven year self harm wagon.

4. severe mood swings. desperately wants the comfort of their loved ones but feels too guilty to seek it out

not to b all ‘woe is me’ but its so hard to stay clean, i feel like a fuckin failure bc i can’t keep my hands off my blade. and ik i’m facilitating the issue bc i keep it accessible to me, but fuck it’s just so frustrating

tw // sh

mithrun :(

i just think. we should talk about this more??

I have this myself. And honestly, haven’t harmed once with it and I’ve come close a couple times. Seriously recommend!

Listen up. There is literally an app that can help you avoid self harm and I don’t know why we aren’t talking about it.

Calm Harm can be tailored to your needs and will provide strategies to help you get past those crucial moments of wanting to harm.

It’s also totally FREE.

once again, it’s called CALM HARM

don't watch Bo Burnham's "Inside" if you are not in a safe mental place

before you get mad please let me elaborate

I am in no way saying you should never watch it, or that mentally ill people shouldn't watch it, or that you should only watch it if you are completely mentally healthy. I'm not even saying you should block the tags or avoid engaging with it at all costs

i am saying that if you are actively struggling with your mental health, for example you currently have suicidal ideation or are self harming, please be very careful about watching this special (or clips of it)

if you are struggling in that sort of way but still want to watch it now, please make sure you have a support system that you could turn to in the event that something in the special triggers a severe reaction in you

if you do not have that kind of support system but still want to watch the special, i highly encourage you to wait until you either establish one or make enough progress in your mental health that you can cope with a reaction safely

I just watched Inside and i am really glad that i'm in such a good place with my mental health, because it prominently discusses and depicts Bo Burnham's spiral into severe depression. I'm also glad it didn't come out earlier this year while I was in a depressive episode bad enough I had to increase my med dosage, which had been stable for two years. I can only imagine how watching this during any kind of dangerous mental health episode/crisis could end up. I think Inside is an incredible piece of art, but I worry about people in vulnerable situations where their impulses can lead to very very dangerous places. Plenty of the special is typical comedy music and stuff, especially in the beginning. I personally plan to go back and look for symbolism and metaphors and other subtle shit, but after the first 20-30 minutes, less and less of it is subtle. Bo Burnham made a movie of himself as he fell to a self-described All Time Low, including the ugly and scary parts. So make sure you can be safe if you’re gonna watch the whole thing, and use caution when watching clips.

TL;DR

i believe much of Inside could be very triggering to those prone to self-destruction or suicidal ideation. If that applies to you, please use caution and be proactive about your mental health before going to watch it.

☼ & ♦️ for our boy Glassy :3

☼ - appearance headcanon

This reminds me that I really need to draw him more,,,,

Glass is about 5’6” in height, not a very big guy. He looks bookish on the outside, but is actually pretty damn strong and could absolutely kick your ass. His eyes are a really icy blue and can be hard to keep eye-contact with due to how they just seem to stare into anyone’s soul. His hair is blonde and curly, plus really messy as you literally CANNOT brush curly hair, it does not end well. Plus, he wears glasses, but he doesn’t actually need them all that much. He only needs them to read without squinting.

He has a few scars from many different parts of his life — CI, Foundation, you name it. Most visible is the one across his left eye that impairs his vision in said eye a little. A less-visible by important scar is one on the right side of his abdomen, where he was shot as a field agent and put out of commission. There are a few old scars across his arms, however, that he’d rather no one see at all.

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

Glass likes to knit!! His mother taught him how to use needles as a torture method, but instead of abandoning the training altogether, he decided to turn it into something nice and relaxing. He even makes things like scarves and little knit animals for his patients, as well as specific SCP’s. While he’s been the victim of a few mocking words due to this hobby, nobody can really deny that it makes them happy to get something from him.

For a quirk, alongside doing the pen-twisty thing that’s described in the Ship In A Bottle hub . . . Glass chews on pens. And pencils. He doesn’t realize he’s doing it until it’s too late. Everyone knows which pens and pencils Glass has been using because there are bite marks all over the ends.