The List - Tumblr Posts

The List... Inspired by Vaginal Fantasy Hangout

     Last night for no apparent reason I could not sleep, so instead I decided to troll around the World Wide Web.  During my Crusade of Entertainment for an Insomniac I stumbled upon something that I am not going to lie, I feel in love with.  It is a group of four ladies who come together every month to have a book discussion.  This magnificent thing is called the "Vaginal Fantasy Hangout", it is basically a book club that specifically reads books that are in the fantasy/sci-fi genre that are usually demographic-ed towards women.  From the description it does sound kind of boring, but if you are sort of a nerd like I am, you will probably find it very entertaining, because the ladies do not stay on topic and they also drink while discussing the book they have read.  If you consider yourself sort of a geek, love to read fantasy/sci-fi that tends to be leaning towards attracting women, or are just bored and want to watch sort of like a broadcast that is like a nerdier type of The View discussing books, totes check out "Vaginal Fantasy Hangout".   http://vaginalfantasy.com/  (I promise you, this will not link you to a porn cite or an image that will somehow brand itself to the inside of your eyelids...)

     So back to the list, on the latest video of "Vaginal Fantasy Hangout", the ladies talked about how everyone, whether they admit it or not, has a list that is filled with people who they would like to hook up with, whether celebrity or fictional character.   Also it should be noted, "Hook Up" in this case could mean to have a meaningful relationship with the person or just to have the person around for a one night stand or booty call...  So I for some reason felt inspired to just like the ladies to share my list, of fictional characters I would like to hook up with.  They went for their top five, but for some reason I felt like that was rather hard and so I made my list go to ten.   

     Also I feel obligated to say that I do not like to label my sexuality, but if I did have to label it, I guess I would label it as Pansexual. I am attracted to all types of people, that does not mean that I am attracted to everybody, nor does it mean that I have no standards when it comes to finding someone I want to date or possibly sleep with.   I just view love as love and the honest truth is, is if the chemistry is there between me and another person, I am not going to fight against it because that other person might be a man or someone who is transgendered.  So it should be no surprise when both males and females pop up on my list.  With saying that I present you with my list... 

10.  Paige Matthews from "Charmed"

     So back when I was a little kid, my aunt and grandma would watch "Charmed" religiously, so I of course got into it.  The first character I really liked and could see myself with was Piper, but after having children and Prue's death, she kind of turned into a whiny bitch, which really annoyed me.  But something magical happened with Prue's death, or Shannen Doherty getting kicked off the show, Paige Matthews was brought to life.  I LOVE PAIGE!!!!!  Like seriously, she is my favorite sister on Charmed, because not only is she a singer, which is a musical trait which is a big turn on with me, but also her powers are pretty kick ass...  I mean come on Tele-Orbing, Shape Shifting and Healing, how is that not hot???

     9. Batman, Robin, Harley Quinn, & Poison Ivy from "Batman"

    So I know this might be way to much information, but I do have a sort of fetish when it comes to leather, spandex, and rubber.  Like there is something rather dark about it, and almost a forbidden nature.  I find all these characters very attractive and somewhat dark and sexual.   Yes, I am fully aware that this would mean I would be part of a five-some, but I don't think I would have it any other way.  Also I do know that Poison Ivy is poisonous, but that does not mean she is not sexy and tempting.  I have always been a Poison Ivy fan, and I think she could give Captain Planet a run for his money.  

  8. Toad from "X-Men"

     Before you freak out and think, WTF???  I think the thing that appeals to me the most about Toad is his personality and his bad boy ways.  Like I am no saint, but I am no devil either.   So with saying that he is definitely on of my favorite muntants of "X-Men", especially how Ray Parks portrayed him, he made Toad very cocky and bad ass like. 

7. Seamus Finnigan from "The Harry Potter Series"

     Most people when they choose a character that they would love to have a realtionship with or just want to have sexual intercourse with from the "Harry Potter Series" the usual characters that are picked are; Harry, Draco, Hermione and currently Neville, but honestly I am a fool for Irish accents.  I do not know why, but maybe it is because of "Boondocks Saints" or something, but I find Irish accents very attractive. 

6. Sailor Jupiter from "Sailor Moon"

     Sailor Jupiter is my very first fictional character crush, way back when I was 6 and saw "Sailor Moon" for the first time.  I thought she was beautiful, independent, and totally did not take shit from anybody.  I find that independent trait very attractive, especially when it comes from a woman.    Plus, Green is my favorite color of all time. 

5. Oliver Green aka "The Green Arrow" from "Green Arrow" & "Smallville"

     I know yet again this is probably because of my fetish with leather, rubber and spandex, plus he is in green, but I really don't know why, but I find the Green Arrow very attractive.   Maybe it is because I find dominant masculine guys very attractive. 

4. Queen Akasha of "Queen of the Damned"

     I'm not going to lie, I love watching Queen Akasha sashay into a group of people with her beautiful jade eyes and destroy everyone without a care in the world.  She is just so damn beautiful and may Aaliyah rest in peace.  

3.  The Main Characters from The Televised Series of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

     I think this is pretty self explanatory, like honestly I think Buffy the Vampire Slayer cast is the sexiest cast ever.  I mean I feel like all the characters are very attractive and I really couldn't just choose one, so I was like what the hell?  Let's have a Buffy the Vampire Orgy!!!!!!

2. Michelle Flaherty from "American Pie"

     I am in love with Michelle Flaherty, I mean I am not ashamed to admit I have a crush on Alyson Hannigan, which is probably why number three is the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" cast, but Michelle Flaherty is a band geek who is sexually experimental and very sweet.  So basically a girl who is after my heart, because I am sure I have stated this before, but musical talents is a big turn on for me. 

1. Tyler Durden from "Fight Club"

     My number one is Tyler Durden, because secretly I am turned on by the bad boy like attitude.  I don't really know why but just the idea that at any moment he can turn and what not and is absolutely unpredictable I find kind of hot.  I guess it might be because I am not really that evil and try to do the good thing, while Tyler is off to reek havoc on the world so it is sort of like a Ying Yang things.  

     So this is my list of ten fictional characters I would hook up with, yes some were guys and some were girls and some were multiple people.  I feel like these are fictional characters so why not fantasize a little?  Anyway I hope I wasn't too blunt or creepy.  Are you brave enough making your list of fictional characters and placing them up on your Tumblr???  

A swift breeze to my house of cards

He took the new one on what should have been our trip.

I won't ever be interested in going to St. Lucia now.

He blames me for his broken heart and life of hardship. He blames me for everything.

I have learned to shoulder all of his disappointments, all of the hurt, all of the blame. They are the only things of ours that are still mine

My breath. He used to tell me it smelled bad purely for the satisfaction of knowing that it made me feel uncomfortable. He'd say it right after I brushed my teeth to make me feel as though my rotten insides couldn't be masked. I'm certain he'd give himself points if he could do it when we were in public.

While helping him rebuild his basement, he got angry at me. He threw a 2x4 at me; it hit me in the shin. I have a tiny scar, but the memory has been seared into my brain for eternity.

Building a Basement

I found a way to read measuring tapes, find tools and square up boards through eyes overflowing with tears.

I held boards steady and straight while shaking for fear of my safety.

It's been a year.

Midnight tonight will mark 1 year from the worst experience of my life.

#1 on the list

At this very moment one year ago, I was in labour.

On the evening of November 8 -9, 2016 he came in me without my permission. In his defense I believe it was an accident. I had, at that time, miscalculated my cycle, and thought I was not in a red zone. I was incorrect. Weeks later I felt a flutter, did the usual stuff to confirm, and found out for sure. Pregnant.

I already had the appointment booked when I told him; most of me knew this was the right decision, but a little part of me hoped he’d try to talk me out of it. In retrospect it was absolutely the right decision for several reasons and if I hadn’t had that appointment booked when I told him, I’m confident he would have punched me in the stomach.

He didn’t talk me out of it, and it was made clear to me that this was something I had to handle alone.  He came to the hospital with me for the preliminary appointment and thought he had done me a great service. He advised that I was not welcome at his (once our) home despite the fact that he had put me in the predicament. If I wanted him to join me, I would have to pay for a hotel.  As I was spending every dime I had at the time on him - feeding him, clothing him, entertaining him, I had my cards maxed and couldn’t afford it.  He was very charitable with his next option - he’d go to sleep, but he’d unblock me so I could call him and keep his phone on.

So I did it alone.

What I endured was a trauma I may never get over. Some women have unpleasant period sensations.  I went through 16 hours of labour mixed with a bad reaction to the medication.  Vomit, diarrhea, sweating, chills, shakes and delirium, all alone in my parents basement, trying to be quiet to not wake them in the very early morning of Christmas Eve.

I have plenty of terrible options to choose from, but this was hands down, the absolute worst, horrible thing that has ever happened to me. 

And he made me do it alone.  What kind of man would abandon a woman like that?

This was the first time the veil got pulled back for me and I saw a glimpse of clarity through the fog.  This was the first time I thought about my life critically in years. I thought about what I wanted in life and what I needed to get there.  I felt strong - such an unusual feeling - like I could endure anything.

And then I thought about what I didn’t want to endure anymore, and what I no longer needed in my life.  A whole bunch of uncomfortable questions emerged.

This was the first step back.

Contrast

I knew what was best for all involved when I found out, but a part of me wanted it to be different. 

He lost his mind. He. Lost. His. Mind. I mean, falling to the floor wailing and flailing.  It lasted nearly an hour.

Then he proceeded to bully me.  He told me that he and his mother would fight me for custody so they could put it up for adoption.  That I would be the unfittest of mothers - that I was so fucked up that he would call Children’s Aid to take them away. This was all after he was aware that I had an appointment.  He was just ensuring that I went to it, I suppose.

He didn’t understand my reaction when he told me some weeks later about his friend’s handling of his girlfriend’s unexpected pregnancy.  She was upset as money was tight and they weren’t in a great place for it at the time. Her partner’s reaction?  

“Babe, don’t worry.  We’ll handle it together;  we’ll make it work”   

I only need a minute after you're done kicking me while I cower in fetal position.  I just need to steady my breathing after you’ve finished and left me in a pile. I’ll get back to making dinner and it’ll be ready soon. Don’t worry.

Sexual Abuse - tw for sexual assault

I have survived a series of predatory sexual experiences. Examples relevant to this post:

1. In highschool a boy asked if he could fist me. I said no, but he tried anyway. It hurt quite a bit and he did not succeed. I squirmed away.

2. While on vacation in Brazil, my friend's roommate got me ridiculously drunk on tequila (4 or 5 double shots) then proceeded to perform oral sex on me. I vaguely recall this occurring, but i distinctly remember him putting his dick in my mouth and forcing it down my throat. I proceeding to puke all over him, the couch we were on , the floor, the rug and myself.

 It was a really difficult thing for me to get over. I have since called it sexual assault.  He - my ex- called this my "Rough Deepthroat."

Sometime after he found out that I had been unfaithful, he demanded to have "all of me" - to perform all of the sexual acts that i had done with other people with him. Confusion ensued; I had explored with him well beyond what I had done with anyone else.

Funny thing was he wasn't just referring to consensual sex acts I had been a part of, he meant, among other things, the two above. I rationalized that this was the kind of punishment I deserved for the crimes I had committed, and reliving these experiences couldn't be so bad because I knew he loved me.

I agreed to the "Rough deep throat" first. He sent me home twice that night. Once I was dressed too "plain" and the second I was dressed too "slutty". I am ashamed that I begged to come back the second time.

Can you call it sexual assault after you've begged for it? He skull fucked me with no mercy. He said he wanted to have me like I meant nothing "just like they did". I vomited into a garbage can we had handy for the occasion. He told me he couldn't " be like them" anymore and I didn't have to finish him off like that. He felt too bad. Plus he was annoyed that I wasn't tilting my head back like he was asking.

So he rolled me over and fucked me till he came. Then asked me to leave. We'd save the fisting for another time.

My mind has done a superb job of fuzzing up some of my most horrible memories, but the emotions I felt this night are still vivid. I remember telling myself to smile and look pleased the whole night while the pain and panic and misery built up in me with steady pressure. I was so proud of myself that I kept it all bottled until he couldn't see me anymore. When it broke though, it came with the force of a broken dam.

I sobbed hard on my way back to my car. Ashamed I had let him do that do me. That i had asked for it. That i had begged for it knowing it was bad for me. But he had my best interests at heart; he was doing this all so we could be together again. So why and how could this be hurting so bad?

This was a terrible one for me to share. I have avoided the term for a long time. I have said he was physically abusive and certainly emotionally abusive. But his use of shame and past trauma mixed with sexual acts that any reasonable human being would know I would not want to do leads me to only one conclusion.

Add this to the pile

He used to make me park my car a block or more away from his ( once our) house. Didn't care if I was cold, carrying heavy things or leaving at 4am.

If I parked in the same spot twice in a row he would threaten to not have me over anymore.

Anthem

While working in the basement one day, I did something that upset him (likely the board I was holding wasn’t straight or flush enough for him, or something we screwed together wasn’t square).  He pushed me to the ground and I hit my head.

He stood over me, triumphant and imposing. I locked eyes with him for a moment, stunned.  Then he sang “Who runs the world” in a mocking voice; he sang Beyonce daring me to get up.

He wanted me to brand his initials on my genitals. I would have probably done it 16 months ago.

The deal with meals.

Ten years ago he decided that I would make all the meals. Only he told me that I was the one that decided that.

When we first moved out we were still trying to figure out all of the things that young couples are trying to figure out: how to work out each other’s schedules,  keep the apartment clean, ensure we had enough to pay the bills, etc etc.  

There were days, when I was working late, that it just made sense for him to make dinner.  I had grown up learning how to prepare food - I wasn’t great at it at the time, but I was taught, and fully believe, that is this a life skill. So I learned.  

He did not. Rather than trying to figure it out ( I was fully prepared to eat food that had been burnt to shit during the learning process) he went for things that were easy.  This meant lots of frozen food that he could throw in the oven and be done with.  No veggies to be found.

I do not have a restrictive diet by any means, and I am in no way a total health nut. However, my body, and I will spare you the gory details, INFORMS me when I have been eating too many greasy, pre-packaged, fried, high sodium and high fat things. 

I tried mentioning this on a number of occasions and it always turned into a drag out fight. He didn’t believe me despite the physical symptoms that were visible.  His rationale?  He was eating the exact same thing with no symptoms of the sort.  I was just making it up to be a bitch and have something else to nag him about.  

My incredulity as a side - I can’t imagine being with someone and insisting on cooking food that makes them bleed.   

It came to a head one night where he had me on the floor crying.  I was an unreasonable bitch and I had made the decision right then and there.  Since I didn’t like his “cooking” I agreed to make all of the meals that we ever ate ever again.

It was an utterly ridiculous contract.  But it was one that he stuck to to the letter. I always had to leave social gatherings and other events, sometimes even work to ensure he was fed.  If I did not, he wouldn’t even make himself a sandwich until I got home.  He would starve himself or binge on chips in order to spite me.

And that hangry meme that circulated social media for a while?  Hilarious to some - a real and utter nightmare for me. There was hell to pay if there was no dinner on the table when he walked in.  Yeah.  That really is a reality still for some

To this day he has never learned to cook, which has been an immense problem for him since we are no longer together.  I’m sure he fancies himself an excellent culinary critic though - there was always a problem with what I made

The only good that came out of this is that with the training of the basics I received from my folks (and I am very grateful that they insisted I learn) and all the practice I’ve had over the years, I’m a fairly skilled cook and meal planner.  Most of the time I like it too, but it has also been a trigger. 

It’s hard when the things you love are tainted.

My humanity ebbing away.

"Can I have a hug?"

"What makes you think you deserve one?"

“Your looks are the only thing you have going for you.  And even your beauty is fading.”

I almost forgot a part.  We had to make two trips.  

The first time we had gone was closer to his birthday.  I had to book 6 weeks in advance as spaces filled up quickly.  When the weekend came, the forecast called for some rain with periods of sunshine.  Furthermore, there were other people who were in line ahead of us.  We were advised by the club to come and hope for the best as there was still a good possibility we would go.

So we went and were trained.  Ultimately, though the weather prevented us from having a turn to jump.

He was upset, once again, as I had dropped the ball on planning.  As if I could predict, six weeks in advance, that the wind would pick up with the rain just enough to make the jump unsafe for beginners.

An Experience

Referring to this 

I took us Skydiving in the summer of 2016 for his birthday complete with weekend away. It was probably the most exhilarating thing I’ll ever do.

We got videos and pictures of our jumps from the company we jumped with, but he also insisted I document his whole experience from start to finish on my phone. One of his complaints was that I never took pictures of anything, and that was a sign that I was not normal or a good partner.

The consequence of me playing paparazzi was that we discovered, a few weeks later when the official videos arrived, that I was in the first part of his.  He was furious about that, stating how he’d have to re-edit it to be able to show it to his family.

Worst of all, where previously he had been raving about the experience, he soon turned it around.  He was dissatisfied because I had participated.  He was angry that I had not just paid for him to jump, but that I had jumped myself.

He stated that I just “couldn’t let him have anything.”

Always seemed that no matter how much I spent or planned that I couldn’t do anything right.

WOW

This red flag just smacked me in the face.

The reason I moved in with him in the first place was because his mother had kicked him out of his house. He had been attempting to help his sister, who was visibly frustrated, with something on her new laptop.  She got a bit snippy with him and he lost his temper.  He punched a chair which hit the wall and left a hole.

I was present for this event.  I saw it unfold.  I watched him punch something because his sister said “I knoowwww!” 

A running theme was that he didn’t like when people were “ungrateful” or didn’t acknowledge him when he was trying to help them.

Funny parallel:  I moved out with him so we could combine our measly incomes at the time and prevent him from having to live in utter squalor.  I was not ready to move out; I was still trying to finish my degree and school full time.  I had to pick up more shifts at my retail job and worked nearly full time.  My grades suffered as I was now a full time student, employee and abuse victim.

I sacrificed a lot for him to have a better life but that’s never a story that got told. Or a thank you I received.

He’s going back on some parts of our separation agreement, so I have been looking for texts in case I need to submit evidence. It’s not relevant to our  agreement, but I found this.

Context:  I told him that I was going to be participating in my local Take Back the Night event. I was raped when I was 19, so it is close to my heart.

He sent me this message after kicking me out of the house again after I visited him. It happened a lot.  My memories can be foggy at times so I am not completely certain why I was vacated this time.  However an educated guess is it was one of the times I protested him telling other people about my assault. He used it to garner sympathy from the girls he wanted to sleep with - I was a monster and this was one of the reasons.  He wanted so much to help me, but I was a lost cause.  

With the event so close, the feelings were raw. I may have gotten a bit sassy.  I told him it wasn’t his story to tell.   So he’d shove me violently toward the door and tell me to “Leave!!”  Then proceed to spam me with hate for the following hour.

I haven’t had one of these nights for a while now.  But reading this again punched me in the gut.  The worst part is, later on in the conversation I excuse him because I knew he “only denied [or doubted that I was raped] when [he] was really hurt.”

This one hurt really bad then; I remember driving home and being worried I’d crash my car because I couldn’t see through my tears. Or my misery. I’m ashamed that it still hurts now.