Parental Trauma - Tumblr Posts

*24:Facing the pressures of Adulthood *

I’m 24 but… I still check the closet for monsters every night before bed.

I’m 24 but… I still hide under the covers so monsters won’t get me.

I’m 24 but… I can’t go swimming at night in fear sharks will get me.

I’m 24… but I still need my mom more and more everyday.

I’m 24 but… I’m still scared of thunderstorms.

I’m 24 but… I get nervous calling and making appointments for myself.

I’m 24 but… I’m scared of the dark

I’m 24 but… I watch the same shows I did as a child to remember what it felt like to be happy and carefree.

I’m 24 but… I still feel the weight of all the mistakes and regrets my parents carry.

I’m 24 but… when my mom gets mad at me I turn back into a scared little girl.

I’m 24 but… I still want people to like me

I’m 24 but… I still sleep with stuffed animals on my bed so I feel less alone.

I’m 24 and terrified to tell people I love them because the one person I truly loved with all of my heart is gone and I’m afraid to open up now.

I’m 24 and feel like I’ll never live up to my parent’s expectations.

I’m 24 and I’ve never had a boyfriend because I’m afraid to let someone love me.

I’m 24 and everytime I get to the end of a show I stop at the last episode and never watch it.

I’m 24 and tell my cats I love them because I can’t tell the people around me.

I’m 24 and feel alone when surrounded by people.

I’m 24 and I’m not sure I know true happiness.

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you think you've broken the cycle but then you notice yourself scrolling Tumblr looking for posts relatable to share your trauma

You Don't Need To Be Fixed - Will Poulter

Uh, I'm not even gonna explain because it's self-explanatory.

Possible Trigger Warning: Toxic Parental Figure/Emotional Abuse

~~~~~~~~~~

"I hate you."

"I wish you never even existed."

"You need to change, or else you're going to Hell."

"I pray every day that you see the light."

"The Lord can save you."

All of those I've heard before, all of them coming from a person that's supposed to love me unconditionally. I guess being one of the "homosexuals" is the breaking point for that, or having "deviant behavior" as she would call it.

Now, she's never said those things about me, because I'm closeted to her still, but I still feel those comments slice through me like she's directing it at me. It's kinda hilarious actually. She unintentionally tells me that I shouldn't exist.

I tell her point blank that I'd have a less rough time accepting her belief if she just comes out and say she hates the LGBT community. But, she says she doesn't hate anyone cause it's a sin.

"Bullshit." I say to her, out loud.

"Now, I do not like that language." She says sternly.

Ha! Of course that's what she focuses on, my fucking language. She's so fake, even more fake than a tween girl in middle school. She claims she's not homophobic because she's not afraid of gay people, to that I laugh, hard. She says she had bought lunch for two lesbians that she works with, says that she had a very nice time, so she couldn't possibly be homophobic! No, she acts like a decent human being with the gays, so that means she doesn't wish their sexualities would change!

It makes me want to vomit.

I call her out on that ridiculous way of thinking, to which she replies, "Just can it, will ya?" And that's the end of that conversation.

Another day, another argument about this, that, and the other. It's so tedious, and I willingly go into these arguments knowing that I'll never change her mind about anything. She thinks she's right about everything, and she always tells me, "I am right." Without second thought, she completely dismisses what I try to say.

It's always like this, me thinking I'm right and her thinking she's right. It's like trying to talk with Trump supporter...oh wait, she is a Trump supporter. Oops.

Usually, I'd go up to my room and cry it out, listen to very loud and aggressive music, scream into my pillow so I don't injure myself by punching a wall again. But, thankfully, I have someone who can help me through these times of crisis.

Will.

Ever since I met him, Will has been my rock, like my own emotional support human. Of course, it's not a one-way street, he trusts me enough to lean on me too. He's the greatest friend I've ever had, and I have no idea where I'd be without him in my life.

I just walk out of my house with my car keys in hand, starting the car and driving down the same route I've driven so many time I can basically do it in my sleep.

I make sure to text him beforehand, letting him know to prepare himself for a lot of frustrated ranting, but he was used to it by now.

"And it's like I can never talk to her about anything anymore because it always somehow ends up in a heated argument about politics, racial issues, or of course, the LGBT community. Like, I have no idea how much I can take before I explode and do something...not violent."

Will had his eyebrows raised, his shoulders tensed and looking like he was trying to be absorbed by his couch.

I had been ranting for about half an hour, pacing back and forth in his living room, scaring his poor pups with how my voice raised several octaves while speaking about the particularly upsetting parts, and my arms were pretty sore by how much I was waving them around. Jesus, no wonder Will looked scared.

I sighed. "Sorry, just had to get that off my chest before I imploded."

Will smiled. "It's okay, Y/n. Really. I was just afraid that story was going to end with you burying her in your backyard."

"No, at least, not yet." I chuckled, taking a seat next to Will, leaning on his shoulder.

"I'm really sorry you have to deal with that, I can't imagine how tired I'd feel living with someone like that." Will grabbed a hold of my hand gently, leaning his head on mine.

I wore a tight lipped smile, exhaling sharply through my nose. "It's not the greatest, but it could be worse."

"Doesn't make your situation any less valid."

"Yeah, yeah, I know...just like how she prays for me to see the light, I do the same for her. She doesn't appreciate it though. But, I guess that's fair considering I don't appreciate her thought and prayers."

Will turned to look at me, smiling softly. "You are perfect just the way you are. She's the one who has to change, not you, because you were made this way, just like everybody else who has their own orientations. One day, you'll be free of her. You'll be free to live however you want to live, and you'll be able to cut her out of your life if you choose to do so. You just have to be patient, but I promise, you'll be happy."

~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote this so I can be fine, so don't worry. I am fine. I promise.