Izzy : Feels Guilty. - Tumblr Posts
WHEN EDWARD SMILES, he looks like the man he’d been when izzy first met him. the silver streaking his hair & the creases that form when his lips curl make no difference ; he still has that same glint in his eyes that refuses to go out. & regardless of all that has happened since then — & everything he might have said to the contrary — izzy did not regret his decision. he would choose to save edward again, every time, no matter what the consequences might be. & when he playfully jostles their hands ( the idea that he might not talking about stede leaving him breathless ), izzy can only hope that ed knows how he feels.
but in spite of all they've discussed recently, all the agreements they have come to in hopes of moving forward together, there is still a lingering sensation of guilt. in the quiet moment where they sit with their fingers entwined, izzy hears the memory of his own voice returning to haunt him. & even when edward dismisses him from his post, izzy doesn't move, eyes downcast & shadowed. hoping that he knows is no longer good enough ; edward deserves to hear the truth.
❝ ed — ❞ he starts, voice soft & low. ❝ you know, when i … when i said that i should've let the english — ❞ he breaks off. he can't even bring himself to say it a second time, even now. & after a beat he gives up & moves on. ❝ i never should have said that. i'm sorry. ❞ & slowly, as though it's a real challenge, izzy drags his eyes up from where their hands are still curled tightly together & back to ed's face. ❝ i didn't mean it. you know that, right ? i didn't mean it. ❞
his gaze doesn't drop, it holds fast to izzy's face, nearly unblinking. for years, for two whole decades ( un-fucking-believable! ), edward had looked at his first mate without really seeing the whole of him, the answer that was nestled right there, between unflinching devotion and fierce protection. edward had suspected, at the very least, yet in the end failed to connect two very important dots: this is not something he had clearly seen before, on the deck of a ship or in more or less clean taverns, a passing fancy. this is a larger than life feeling, almost, and edward has finally learned to feel comfortable enough in his own skin to not bolt away from it in terror. nah, he runs towards it and doesn't let go.
he smiles a bit to himself, then, but it gets comically dispelled by izzy's words. he opens his mouth in protest ( you little— ), in fact, only to begrudgingly close it shut on the basis that izzy hands is, unquestionably, right. as he often is. ' yeah, alright. stayed out of trouble this time, though, didn't I? ' his smile returns, shifting into a grin with no small amount of mirth to it. ' knew there was someone important waitin' for me here. ' he gives their still joined hands a little shake, as if to say yeah it's you, feeling absolutely mad with giddiness under the moonlight and loving every second of it. which is why it takes him a couple more minutes to actually get to what got him climbing up to the nest in the first place. ' hey, you should get some rest. i'll take the watch. '