I'm So Weak - Tumblr Posts
Imagine him facetiming you
I never thought a broken heart hurt so much.. But he killed me twice
Sleeping is my escaping from my mind, my feelings, my thoughts. That's sad because this is not how life should be
The codeine pills have stopped working and I'm starting to feel anxious again. FUCK.
I don't want it. I don't want it. I'm scared.
this is my first day off codeine and I already feel terrible, i don't want to live, I'm afraid of the next days, (as long as I can stand it and not take the pills again...) 😭😭😭
Breathing
My president Kim Nam Joon once said that “the struggle is to go insane whilst trying to be sane”.
Depression is a bitch guys. My confession today was supposed to be calm and collected. But I feel murderous and drugged. I'm tired of side effects and taking endless pills. For anxiety and for depression. Each of these pills have their own side effects and they sometimes clash and i am the person who suffers.
Starting 2020 i decided to go the right path and seek help. I was tired of crying myself to sleep. I had entertainment depression and we were more than acquainted, super close. In the beginning she would visit here and there but she started moving her clothes into house slowly. I mean im nice i kept being nice i will just keep quiet if she needs me to be quiet and sleep if that is what she wanted. I wish she didn't required that i eat so much at the expense of my budget but yeah. She stood by me. I met a few friends who wanted to be close to me and i decided to ditch her she never said anything at all. She just have me some space and allowed me to be myself.
So my friends only lasted a few fun weeks and i started missing depression my long time close friend. So i called her up and it turns out she never left. She was just here with me all along waiting. The girls i became friends with were clowns and so i came back home to my close buddy who had never left.
I have known her since i was in primary school maybe sometime around 10. My life was highly unstable with too much relocation and feelings of being unwanted and not being able to fit in. She welcomed me and gave me a place. Where i fit in and allowed me to wallow on my misery. She looks at me with eyes that are never filled with judgement and allows me to condemn myself and agrees with me whenever i feed myself lies, or maybe it's her talking, I have no idea. Sometimes I can not tell us apart.
In 2019 however she became too comfortable and or maybe i became too much for her to such an extent that she called her cousin from out of town to visit in my own house without my permission. So one day all of a sudden Anxiety introduced herself to me. I said but we have met before, i hate you and she just laughed and took a sit. She made herself comfortable in my own home and together they took so much space that i became a slave in my own house.
So every day i was struggling with making decisions about everything. I went to celebrate my birthday in a beautiful country in Asia and anxiety decided to tag along uninvited. The worst thing about her is that then she brings all her cousins and nasty friends to the party. Lack of confidence, low self esteem, self doubt, self image issues and then energy has left the chat, then sleep has left the chat, and then everything automatically looks and sounds off.
Well that became the most difficult year of my adulthood. Such that when 2020 came i was ready to start afresh. But then again I had no idea what 2020 had in store for the world I just wanted to seek help for myself and try to start afresh.
I started therapy and knocked of anxiety, said hello and bye to panic attacks, nightmares, weight gain and weight loss now hallucinations and dizziness.... it's a never ending story of my life filled with drama Sometimes i feel like the main actress of a sad movie and a high budget box office hit super sad movie.
Will the story ever end? How? I can't wait to find out, hopefully soon....
I hope to keep holding on until then...
😘😘😘😘💜💜✌✌✌