Derealization - Tumblr Posts
Outtakes
This bubble of joy I find myself in
Helps my world to not spin
Time is of the essence here,
Where the Gods are Queer
And walk amongst men
But I will say: Every now and then
I find myself wishing for the danger
but quickly I retreat away from the stranger
who may defeat me.
Not today, I won’t let me.
Although today is the day to truly be
Dancing, Dazzling with the Queen
The Queen? The Queen! for she
was right here, outside the bubble to the left
Wait… There I had just placed my weft
There… To the left.
In this world they spoke of enchanters
and master crafters
who’ll all keep you safe til the day you die
How that is guaranteed I know not why…
Yet no one told me of the opportunities outside the bubble
Outside the bubble! Beneath the rubble
Please take me in, I just want to live
I don’t care if you only have misfortunes to give
I didn’t want this at first, but now I’m torn.
My Fault. So I can’t mourn?
candles
light the candles
watch the flame flicker
don’t get too close
don’t get burned please
feel the warmth
the warmth of my heart
smell the scent
i can’t escape this feeling
Primrose
Everliving and Youthful
Your image that of Beatrice,
Heavenly, resembling of the days gone
But there is no regret up here, my Dear
Our likes sometimes Daft and Daredevil,
Yet Your presence to me never sufficient
As You are my life’s only elixir, my Dear
Death himself walked the Earth today and
Damned us both, my Dear
But I will never let go of You
Place Your faith in me as You pledge to me
The remainder of Your living moments
The Earth is crumbling at our fingertips, My Dear
My life mustn’t go on any further as I can’t
Bear Your absence
So I shall leave You with the kiss of Death,
For now.
May our fantasies end the plague, my Dear
And may You return to me
You always return, in Spring, kindred to
The Primroses that line Eden’s Garden
Four 🧭
Eddie Munson x Reader
Warnings: Smut, Fluff, Unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it), Floor sex? idk what else
Summary: Y/N was assigned with babysitting Eddie, and the more they talk the more they realized they like each other, so then they do something about it. Also Y/N is a girl with female anatomy.
A/N: this is the first time i’m writing for Eddie, and esp smut for eddie, and i can’t say it’s the best piece of writing i’ve created, it was just midnight and i was tired and felt weird. enjoy?, also the spacing is very weird i’ll fix that later
spoiler warning, duh. minors DNI.
1986, your last year at Hawkins High. Summer was fast approaching, and so was your graduation. After last summer, you really thought things may ease up. But of course, you found yourself in yet another situation surrounding the alternate dimension you and everyone who knows of it dreaded, the Upside Down. And, out of everyone who was somehow entangled in its mess, you never thought you’d find yourself drinking beer in a barn with Eddie Munson, of all people.
You’d barely interacted up until this point, mostly rejecting his attempts and the boys’ to get you to attend a club session, and not because you weren’t interested in D&D, but something would always come up to interrupt those plans, either with work or school or both. Thank God you at least still had your powers, otherwise you’d simply have collapsed a long time ago.
In a strangely comforting way though, the thing that finally brought you and Eddie together was the thing you really did go out of your way to avoid. But when the fate of the world is in the hands of a group of teenagers, they need all the help they can get.
School can wait.
“Hey, can you uh, pass me another beer?” Eddie glanced at you in the corner, looking away when you initially made eye contact, but forcing himself to look back at you, feeling your stare. He was sat on a stool in the corner of the barn, after you’d assured him he didn’t have to hide in the boat, as you’d let him know when anyone got close.
You hesitated, not processing his request at first, but then quickly leaning over and grabbing a beer. “Oh, ok.” You got up and walked over, handing it to him before walking back to the window.
“Wait.” He said, holding onto your hand softly, as to not hurt you. “Sit here.”
You complied, curious at his command. He had that scared look in his eyes again, the same one he had when he nearly killed Steve, an event you’d forgiven him for. You watched him put the beer beside him, and fumble uncomfortably on his stool, until he eventually sat on the ground next to you, keeping you isolated between himself and the wall. What you’d usually consider suffocating, felt oddly comforting. You quickly realized how much you’d softened around him. He was charismatic and likable, and very easy to sympathize with. Especially after you looked in his head and saw Chrissy. Poor girl.
“You alright, Eddie?” You asked, a smile tugging at the edge of your lips.
“Yeah… I was just wondering… How come you stayed with me, and didn’t go to the library with Nancy or something. She’s your friend and I’m- not.” His tone sounded genuine enough, so you decided to give a genuine answer.
“Someone had to stay here and make sure those psychos didn’t come hunting for you.”
“Those ‘psychos’ think I’m the psycho.” He rolled his eyes, you let out a huff of air through your nose. “Also, what’s the deal with the girls with superpowers? Steve mentioned there were 2, didn’t he?”
“Steve doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” You smiled at him, staring into his eyes, controlling your breathing slightly. With both of your faces turned to look at each other, you had only just realized just how close you were, his warm breath ticking your bare shoulder, as your cardigan dipped to your elbow when Eddie moved next to you, and you decided against fixing it.
“Sorry I never made it to any of your campaigns.” You decided to change the subject, not that you were worried he suspected anything, you knew that if he was still alive in the next 24 hours he’d find everything out anyway, but you did want to get to know him. And maybe finally understand why the boys love him so much.
“Well you’re here now, right? So it worked out in the end.” He did have a point. It didn’t exactly work out how he intended, but in the end you were here, with him, and nobody else. “Nobody better to protect me than you, L/N.”
You blushed. “Are you flirting with me?” He inched impossibly closer, slightly angling his body more towards you as he did so.
“Do you want me to flirt with you? Would that be ok?”
“Yes, Eddie.” You blushed even more, and it was now impossible to hide without the use of your hands, which you quickly brought up to your fiery cheeks, turning your head away from him.
“Hey.” He reached over and held your hand, and you turned to face him again. “I uhm… I lied earlier. It’s not ok that you missed my campaigns.”
“Aw, I’m so sorry!” You quickly apologized.
“Yeah, you should be sorry, I’m the best DM in Hawkins.”
“Is that so? I’m honoured to be in your presence.” You both laughed, your eyes darting between his and his lips, which were so incredibly close, and pulled up in the most amazing smile you’ve ever seen. This doesn’t usually happen… But you seem to have fallen for him in an impossibly short amount of time. Only the other day in the cafeteria you caught his gaze as he was mocking the several cliques of the school, and he gave you the brightest smile, the exact one he was giving you now. It was intoxicating, you felt high off of his happiness.
“I tend to have that effect on people.” So you’ve noticed… “Thanks for this. And for talking me out of stabbing Steve earlier…”
“Of course, Eddie. Weirdly, we’ve all been through this already. I meant it when I said you can trust me.” Your hand clasped his, and he squeezed it lovingly, thanking you yet again, without words.
“You know… I’ve always liked you. Even though you hang out with Steve and Nancy.-“ You scrunched your nose and tilted your eyebrows, in offense. “-You’ve just always been… Cool. I always see you around school, with the boys, or on your own, and there’s been one thing I’ve always wanted to do.”
“What’s that?” Your voice barely above a whisper, your mind now blank. He pays attention to you? He notices you? All those days, when you spent a little longer on your outfit, your hair, your make-up, and then beat yourself up for being late telling yourself no one even takes a second glance at you, and now he’s telling you that he does, and that he thinks you’re cool.
“I’ve always wanted to read your mind.”
“Like Charles Xavier?” You joked, amused by his childlike wish.
“Yes, kind of! I can read emotion on people’s faces, but with you, it’s different. I want to know what you’re thinking so I know what to do based off of that.”
“How about I tell you what I’m thinking? End the mystery.” Your suggestion brought a smirk to his face, and he licked his lips, slowly bringing them closer to you, his free hand lingering on your cheek.
“Go on.”
“I’m thinking you should kiss me already.” He closed the gap between the two of you, pressing his incredibly soft lips to yours, being as gentle as he could, way gentle than normal. He really liked you and he really didn’t want to blow it by moving too fast and risk making you uncomfortable. Luckily for him, you took the lead, and pushed your tongue past his lips, him allowing it immediately, smiling into the kiss. Your bodies were now facing each other, and you slowly pushed Eddie into the wall, climbing into his lap as you deepened the kiss. His hand went to your cardigan, as he whispered a soft “Is this ok?”, to which you nodded, his hand pulling off the garment.
His hand lingered on your shoulders for a little bit before his fingers gently dragged the straps of your dress down, your hands going to your back to undo your bra clasp. Whilst you did that, he removed his shirt, his skin going against the rough surface of the barn wall. You sensed he didn’t quite expect the sting, and you smiled as he finally pushed his shirt to the side and looked at you, your dress bunched at your waist, your top half completely exposed as your hair fell over your shoulders, giving you a slight sense of protection.
“Sweetheart, you’re even more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.” He grabbed your face and began kissing you again, as a hand went behind your back to lower you to the cold ground safely. You shivered, rolling your hips into his, a groan escaping his lips. You moaned back into the kiss, feeling the pool of slick forming in your underwear.
He began peppering kisses on your cheeks and all over your face, tickling you with his lips. “Are you sure you want this, sweetheart? We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
“Yes, Eddie. I’m sure.” Your hand brushed his hair behind his ear, softly petting his beautiful curls. You looked up at him with doe eyes, and that was enough to turn him into a mess. In that moment, your hand playing with his hair, he knew he wanted you more than he had wanted anyone ever before. And not only did he want you to stay by his side and protect him for as long as he was in danger, but he hoped he could return the favour one day.
His lips travelled down to your chest, leaving adoring kisses all over your skin. His hand simultaneously travelled to your core, pulling down your underwear just enough for his hand to gain access. His fingers began steadily circling your clit, his mouth, now back onto yours, catching your moans. He dipped a finger in you, spreading your wetness between your lips. He groaned in pleasure, and imagined what he’d feel like hugged inside of you. He put his finger back in your hole, and began pumping back and forth, you grinding against his finger. He inserted another finger. He couldn’t believe how tight you were.
“Sweetheart, you’ll be the death of me…” You moaned in response, unable to wait any longer. You needed to feel him. You wanted him inside you more than anything. You completely ignored the pain, the pleasure overcoming you.
“Eddie, I need you inside me, please.”
“When you ask so nicely how could I ever say no?” You smiled at each other. How had you both been able to suppress your feelings, you had no idea. Feeling Eddie so close to you was enchanting, and you knew you could never get enough of this feeling.
He unbuttoned his jeans, kicking them off along with his boxers, as you fully removed your underwear, your bunched dress the only item of clothing between the two of you.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t, Eddie. You never could.”
Eddie began slowly pushing himself into you, making sure you’d adjusted to every bit of length he inserted inside your tight pussy. One hand was on the ground, balancing himself, as the other he placed on your hip to guide himself. Once he was mostly inside of you, he began moving back and forth, rolling his hips, almost rhythmically. Your walls clenched around him, his grip on your hip tightening, his pace getting rougher with every sweet moan that escaped your lips. He swore to himself he’ll write a song about you the second he got his hands on his guitar.
After a few minutes, he couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Y/N, you make me feel so good. Come for me, sweetheart.” He praised in your ear, and you felt your orgasm flow through you like a wave, rippling before release. He rode you through your orgasm, and pulled out of you. You were laid on your back and watched as he finished himself off with his own hand, cum shooting on the wall next to you.
He looked just like a God in this moment, his long shaggy hair messed up by your hands, sweat covering his body, the moonshine pouring in through the window, giving him an angel-like glow. You could never get enough of his beautiful self, basking in his after glow. You took notice of his many tattoos, and began anticipating the day you’d ask him to tattoo something over your wrist.
You stood up and embraced him, his arms engulfing you completely. Once he pulled away, he began pushing your stray hairs behind your ears, and pulling your dress straps back over your shoulders, and the bottom of the dress back down. His head dipped down to do so, and he looked back up at you smiling.
“You’re just gonna dress me?” Eddie kissed your hand gently, before coming back up to your height and kissing your lips passionately.
“If I may…”
“You may.” You replied, hand holding his chin, your thumb caressing his lips. He was so incredibly mesmerizing.
You whipped your head in worry, staring out the window at the empty scenery of the house and the forest by it. There was a car approaching.
“Y/N, what is it?” Eddie asked with concern, hands flying to your cheeks.
“They’re here. Jason’s here.”
“Shit.”
i love the beach so much, if there’s one thing i’m certain of in my life is that wherever and whoever i end up living up, it HAS to be by the beach. beach beach beach
One Broken Promise
My precious glistening dream
Yes, I know what this is.
The faint breeze between my hairs.
The fragmented shells washed up on shore.
The sand hugging my bare feet.
And as I inhale the scent of the sea,
I know this means goodbye.
Calais
your heart rushes. my eyelashes flutter.
you both love and hate the lace of
my gloves, hugging my fingertips -
undeniable elegance obstructing
your skin from touching
mine. although, you could say the same
for the rest of my attire.
but we both know actions speak
louder than words.
“tequila girlfriend”
tranquil eyes framed by heart-shaped sunglasses flicker from your glass to the older voices you hear
you wear the diamond necklace you never liked and you never asked for as
you listen to music and you watch boys and hope they hear the lyrics and flirt back with their eyes
but you were born too late to be starved like this
the mark of the witch is on your waist and your short skirt reveals plush thighs i am dying to hold on to
and if i do die one day, preferably before your time, i will become a virtue and i will come to you and watch your vices and fall in love with you more
you’ll be the first devil up in heaven
i’m not religious, but i still turn to prayer when i feel like i have nothing left to love
we always talk until we say too much and even then i fall harder for you
i just want to kiss your dry wet lips and you’ll never lie to me again
if they hadn’t heard you too, i wouldn’t be able to prove you were there
and if i never moan your name again i hope my teeth rot off
even if i had a voice in my head screaming at me to turn back, you would just whisper me closer
and i’d gladly oblige in everything you do
your mind is a bloodbath, and i will bring a towel and clean it
and watch you, my girlfriend, sip tequila while i drown out your heartbreak
nobody can find out how much i need love
the faint touch of spring, wings of a lapis dove
doomed, blooming tulips blanket my sight above
the ground on which i sit upon, alone, thereof
nobody can find out how much i need love
a lustful dose of aquamarine ketamine
white sage valley
where rams come to die and
goats become human
crystal anthems of chrysanthemums
cause shivers in my skin and goosebumps on my bones
pearly tears in the sink
twisted gears, i can’t think
through the years keep me weak
we cut ourselves on piles of ionian sea glass
your infra-red blood on my body paint
just hostility and futility embracing in a whisper
cover me in velvet bruises on my inner thigh
make me in your thyme less soul
opalescent adolescent violence
my wet nymphette scent
accompanying a lavenderection of a coleo rising
my own softness chokes me, a violin side me
lively nightshade in your hair
like nevergreen overgrowth on a grave
the tyrannical terrain decomposes the magnoliar tree
lilac tarmac scorching below you and me
you were sculpted not by the gods but by those who appreciate mortality
make me in your soul
peel away layers of plaster from my sun-kissed skin
and watch the jealousy crumble to the ground
i unfurl like petals when i’m with you
if you weren’t mine, the skin would fall on its own
unloved for eternity away from your gaze
give me
hibiscus kisses below
eucalyptus eclipses
instead
champagneful truths become the lie
candlet go of hoarse remorse
if with you i’ll never die
you broke inside of me and painted it all blue
now dance naked in the ocean of my body under the moon of my mind
i wish you could skinny dip in my lagoon empty of perfume
my soul, reborn in your eyes
a single moth attracted by a flicker
that never vanishes on time
hollow worry
hammer heart
worthless mercy
worlds apart
there's something about the mirror in the hallway
my reflection pours a whine glass wearing a webbed dress made of phantasmas i stare at her in the hallway such a shame, crying on a summer's day i don't understand her demands red excuses speak in different tongues an image of lace underwear haunts my daydream as a honeyed nightmare i'd write about you like a vine the graze of your cotton skin upon mine driving me nowhere i would know naked license plates coax me out of love am i wasting away in place? porcelain tears on an undrawn face laid by a statue's decency the clouds shape the moon's hidden lunacy my portrait of anonymity bedaubed in oil paint and nudity
the psychology behind cutting your hair
my hair is living - like overgrowth on a grave cinnamon wine cleans my eyes foxglove stare the perfume veering wildly in my bedroom the mirror complicates my reflection and reminds me of a necklace in the silver coffer that lays forgotten i'm wearing you around my neck today you're etched into my soul the same overplayed CD i carved your name in each petal of my rose a white rose from adam she drunkenly takes off her top and poses in the mirror devoted to neurosis far too young to live the lamppost that forgets to turn off fresh air trapped between two blades so blunt, so dull she tattoos herself to never go out again barbed wire, northern lights i salivate salvation backing away from the mirror, my feet tremble over the pile of detached hair i am fatally female
Peony
i like to think of you sometimes
and peony petals begin to flutter
below the skin of my cheeks
as i blush at the thought of your voice
breathy praise and your touch
so soft, as the very petals of the flower
I just think it’s neat :)))
thinking about the dying part of death
someone new. new face. no face. i want to feel at peace. i know better. i know better. can’t think. frantic. switching between. switching. you’re killing me.
i want to be beautiful. i want to be a goldfinch that just slammed into a window, all i wanted was to be warm inside. i want to be the blood spreading over the tracks, all i want is to give agates their red hue, i want to give back to nature. (i want to swallow batteries, down blood thinners and sit in a garage with all the cars running.) disintegrate from the inside out.
there’s a difference between zoning out and derealizing. zoning out so bad you’re floating through life like nothing more than a ghost. can’t even force myself to stay present, to get out of my head. i wasn’t nervous, but i notice as i start to present that i (slip to the back of my mind) and my words became a stream of unrecognizable dialogue. i can’t stay here, can’t stay present, i wonder if my professor knows i’m not here, knows i’m at the back of my head. i’ve been told i’m a shit friend, he said he didn’t stick around because i was nice. don’t know what he saw in m((e if we hated each other) so m)u))ch.
time is of the essence, “well executed,” she tells me. thanks, you didn’t read my suicide note in the background. everyone’s been eyeing it up.
i keep dreaming of dying terrible deaths. homecoming queen dies in a tragic car accident (no details were given.) i watched rollercoasters fly off their tracks and crash into each other mid-air. gunshots go off in a crowd and everyone runs. (i keep all my secrets in parentheses.)
you used to think maybe i was happier if i was having dreams at night. this is all just one long fucked up drawn out entry in (dear s,)
i’ve taken the pills, i’ve parked by the tracks, but i’ve never gone through with it. my therapist knows i have these thoughts but i won’t tell her how i’ll do it. she asks all the wrong questions.
(i jerk the wheel of my car on black ice just to see if i care enough to live.) but who doesn’t? we’re all fucking miserable.
