Consuming - Tumblr Posts

Here’s a question I’ve been wrestling with for the past few weeks:

I do a lot of daydreaming. At any given point in time, I’m deep in my thoughts playing out some scenario or another. Most of the time, they’re not ridiculous or anything - it’s just me organizing my music, making levels, going out and being social, or playing video games. Remember this post? It’s still an issue.

Why, then, can’t I turn those thoughts into reality?

I wouldn’t say any of this is unreasonable. I mean, what’s any of that take out of me? Thirty minutes of my time at worst? That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, I can just go right back to whatever I was doing afterward. And then I have the satisfaction of getting the thing done to go with it.

The real problem is that in the meantime, I’m doing nothing. Sitting around listening to music, or watching a video on Youtube, or reading my dashboard here on Tumblr, not even taking time out of my day to get dressed sometimes. I know this is the life for some people. No, really, I get that. First-world problems and all. I get it. But that is not me. I don’t like to sit around and twiddle my thumbs - I like to get stuff done. I enjoy being creative and funny and productive; moving and breathing and doing.

So I don’t understand where this whole “sit around and be a blob of consumption” thing came from. Especially since, the whole time, I’m imagining how awesome it would be to get up and get dressed, when it takes no more energy to flail my arms and legs to put socks on my head and pants on my feet. Great, now I’m imagining me being all happy and doing stuff - why can’t I just do this in reality?

I am a freaking potato and I don’t know what to do about it.

i think i've loved you

in every lifetime

on every planet

in every universe

that i have ever lived in.

it's like it's hardwired into me.

i think that's why

i can't move on,

why i can't stop loving you

no matter how hard i try.

it's impossible.

you're in my brain chemistry.

you're in my bones.

-mars

I shake

Awake

And cannot sleep.

I try

But why

Can’t I count sheep?

My heart burns with distant agony

And the truth is all too clear:

I’m burning all alone again

And no one holds me dear.

I want to roar this dragons’ flame out of my chest

I want to breathe in peace

I want my skin to cool again

Will this pain ever cease?

In this din

With the might of ten

My strength billows like a sail

But all alone

An unearthed stone

My heart feels deathly frail.

My blood a deadly poison

Like a fire in the night

Is burning up my insides

And sets my mind alight.

I long so very dreadfully

For rest and for some peace

Unfortunately to achieve this end

I may have to be deceased.

A terrible conclusion

My heart cannot allow

But while I live,

What I wouldn’t give

For cool hands to soothe my brow.

Today my girlfriend and I were making handmade CD cases for my demo EP to take to the Parvenue stall at the Verstärker festival in Nürnberg, Germany. It’s time consuming (we’ve only made 3 and a half so far!) but lots of fun.