Borderline Personality Traits - Tumblr Posts
Nicole was such a bitch to me
Told me to never write poetry
She was annoying and mean
Told me being gay was a sin
That god will punish me enough
To get my shit straight
That was never the case
God never listened but Nicole obeyed
She was preaching this and that and thought she was a martyr
She had them all around their fingers like melted wax
She was all pose but never vogue
She was so stiff it made your hard cold
She had a tongue just like a serpent
And eyes so dark, even the demons would fear her
She would tell you that you’re stupid and you’ll never do anything right
Then she’ll kiss you, lick your wounds and bless your sweet heart
She had sharp nails
And thought she femme fatale
The only fatal thing that happened was ending the ongoing war
She herself is made of stone
And her brains are sometimes melting
Dripping through her fucking jaw
In the summer she is celebrating the only day she cares about
But she’s evil and she’s nasty
And she’ll bite your fucking tongue
Make you silent
Make you witness
To your own abuse
Then she’ll turn around to others to see how much they’re amused
Cheap perfume
and toothless smile
Childish dreams
and broken spine
Daddy’s home
Until he’s not
take a lesson
drink more wine
he’s not selfish
he is kind
he was sad
now he’s done
loosen kidneys
lose the kid
feed the girl
get one more drink
he was gone
all night and day
take a lesson
please behave
take a picture
made in vain
he’s not shallow
he’s not deep
not to show
not to show off
take the money
put it in the bag
go to sleep
never come back
Daddy’s house
is big and large
Family’s not
the only child
dead to me
dead to him
take a lesson
remember him
put the name
write it in stone
he was here
and now he’s gone
Cheap perfume
and toothless smile
Childish dreams
and broken spine
Daddy’s home
Until he’s not
take a lesson
drink more wine
he’s not selfish
he is kind
he was sad
now he’s done
loosen kidneys
lose the kid
feed the girl
get one more drink
he was gone
all night and day
take a lesson
please behave
take a picture
made in vain
he’s not shallow
he’s not deep
not to show
not to show off
take the money
put it in the bag
go to sleep
never come back
Daddy’s house
is big and large
Family’s not
the only child
dead to me
dead to him
take a lesson
remember him
put the name
write it in stone
he was here
and now he’s gone
old chalk on the blackboard
writes “I am in control”
but I can’t remember the last time
I was in control
Every second that I think
It takes me back and far away to a time
I didn’t know about myself
Then I slowly learned
That who I am is dangerous
To the mind
Dangerous to the body
And heart
No talent
No artistic eye
Hoarder
Of pretty, expensive stuff
Not true art
No real heart
Pops like bubblegum
My head is in the clouds
Most of the time
and the people around me
Are just birds who fly
In time, long to be gone
Never say never
My mother told me
and never get your expectations too high
She also told me
Frustrated
Starving
For a hand to grab mine
For a bite of food that doesn’t seem like rocks
For a look in someone else’s eyes
That says it all
For being understood
Cared about
Frustrated
I don’t want you to touch me
I never want you to hug me
Never hear you love me
Frustrating
It’s begging to look exactly like it is
Manifestation
Spells
And potions
Voodoo dolls surround my house
Needles surround my head
One by one they pick at my brain
That must hurt
Confused
She told me she loves me
She told me I’m enough
I never look in the mirror
Because I believe her words
Confusing
The eyes in my head
See a picture
It’s full of colors
Red
Blue
And green
They mix and they pour out of it
And my mind is losing it
One two three four
Everybody’s lost control
Yes, finally I’m not the only one
old chalk on the blackboard
writes “I am in control”
but I can’t remember the last time
I was in control
Every second that I think
It takes me back and far away to a time
I didn’t know about myself
Then I slowly learned
That who I am is dangerous
To the mind
Dangerous to the body
And heart
No talent
No artistic eye
Hoarder
Of pretty, expensive stuff
Not true art
No real heart
Pops like bubblegum
My head is in the clouds
Most of the time
and the people around me
Are just birds who fly
In time, long to be gone
Never say never
My mother told me
and never get your expectations too high
She also told me
Frustrated
Starving
For a hand to grab mine
For a bite of food that doesn’t seem like rocks
For a look in someone else’s eyes
That says it all
For being understood
Cared about
Frustrated
I don’t want you to touch me
I never want you to hug me
Never hear you love me
Frustrating
It’s begging to look exactly like it is
Manifestation
Spells
And potions
Voodoo dolls surround my house
Needles surround my head
One by one they pick at my brain
That must hurt
Confused
She told me she loves me
She told me I’m enough
I never look in the mirror
Because I believe her words
Confusing
The eyes in my head
See a picture
It’s full of colors
Red
Blue
And green
They mix and they pour out of it
And my mind is losing it
One two three four
Everybody’s lost control
Yes, finally I’m not the only one
Infinite possibilities
I only get the last
There are many
I am one
One to be beaten and bruised
One to be the broken and at the same time the abuser
One to be fucked up but still the savior
One to be raged but calm enough to think straight for us both
One that punches and also gets punched
In the gut and in the heart
In the stomach and my mouth
Is bleeding
When all I get is childish play
When all I see gets annoying
When all I see it’s crying and leaving me
The one that’s always there
The one that’s been here
The one that’s also miles away from you
Mentally
My mental state is better
I guess
Or not
My mental state is stable
Or not
I always fight
I wanna get more out of it
I always find ways to get more
I want more
I’m not done
Or it depends
I came to the conclusion that I need more
My heart wants more
My brain needs more
I’m hungry for something I’ve never tasted
And I want more of it
Because I already know it’s tasty
To be loved and to love
Or not
Or childish play
Or bruised egos
Or mentally unstable
Or lazy
Or not care enough
Enjoy the misery
That’s gonna last
If this step it’s gonna be the last
One step
Two steps
One foot in the grave
Both feet in your mouth
One hand to hold
And two hands to give
One ear to listen
And two ears to give a shit
One mouth to kiss
And one closed
One mouth to talk
Talk that talk
Put your words where your mouth is
Put some money on your mouth too
The play
The aftercare
Where is it
No more
Feelings crushed
Not in totality
In percentages
Infinite possibilities
I only get the last
There are many
I am one
One to be beaten and bruised
One to be the broken and at the same time the abuser
One to be fucked up but still the savior
One to be raged but calm enough to think straight for us both
One that punches and also gets punched
In the gut and in the heart
In the stomach and my mouth
Is bleeding
When all I get is childish play
When all I see gets annoying
When all I see it’s crying and leaving me
The one that’s always there
The one that’s been here
The one that’s also miles away from you
Mentally
My mental state is better
I guess
Or not
My mental state is stable
Or not
I always fight
I wanna get more out of it
I always find ways to get more
I want more
I’m not done
Or it depends
I came to the conclusion that I need more
My heart wants more
My brain needs more
I’m hungry for something I’ve never tasted
And I want more of it
Because I already know it’s tasty
To be loved and to love
Or not
Or childish play
Or bruised egos
Or mentally unstable
Or lazy
Or not care enough
Enjoy the misery
That’s gonna last
If this step it’s gonna be the last
One step
Two steps
One foot in the grave
Both feet in your mouth
One hand to hold
And two hands to give
One ear to listen
And two ears to give a shit
One mouth to kiss
And one closed
One mouth to talk
Talk that talk
Put your words where your mouth is
Put some money on your mouth too
The play
The aftercare
Where is it
No more
Feelings crushed
Not in totality
In percentages
A day can’t start good with you feeling strangled
By the thoughts and dreams that got you hanging
From the ceiling of your mind
Your own demons or friends you like to call them
They show up and got you good
All you have to do is be good
And obey
Can never be what you want
Can never be who you want
The idealist is a person who’s playing with you
The perfectionist is messing up your mind
And the creator is telling you’re a sinner
From above you it rains with cleanliness
But the soul remains a messy place
And the palace of your mind
It gets flooded and starts dripping
Into toilets
Into bags
Into hands that were once soft
Not the cracks that now are shown
In the belly is distress
And the throat can’t handle fists
Cause sometimes that’s how it feels
And the teeth I bite you with
Soon all gone they will become
And then you’ll get scared of me
Of a monster with no teeth
They all tell me to be good
To respond with all my best
I can’t handle the request
All the love you got for me
That you say it’s an infinity
I can’t feel it when I’m shaking
Or when my stomach is aching
Love is not enough to solve me
To bring me peace and joy
Love is a thing I sometimes enjoy
And sometimes I forget it exists
Because in my life for such a long time
There’s been no love
No nothing
To help me or guide me
It’s not pity
It’s just stupid poetry.
A day can’t start good with you feeling strangled
By the thoughts and dreams that got you hanging
From the ceiling of your mind
Your own demons or friends you like to call them
They show up and got you good
All you have to do is be good
And obey
Can never be what you want
Can never be who you want
The idealist is a person who’s playing with you
The perfectionist is messing up your mind
And the creator is telling you’re a sinner
From above you it rains with cleanliness
But the soul remains a messy place
And the palace of your mind
It gets flooded and starts dripping
Into toilets
Into bags
Into hands that were once soft
Not the cracks that now are shown
In the belly is distress
And the throat can’t handle fists
Cause sometimes that’s how it feels
And the teeth I bite you with
Soon all gone they will become
And then you’ll get scared of me
Of a monster with no teeth
They all tell me to be good
To respond with all my best
I can’t handle the request
All the love you got for me
That you say it’s an infinity
I can’t feel it when I’m shaking
Or when my stomach is aching
Love is not enough to solve me
To bring me peace and joy
Love is a thing I sometimes enjoy
And sometimes I forget it exists
Because in my life for such a long time
There’s been no love
No nothing
To help me or guide me
It’s not pity
It’s just stupid poetry.
Soul eater
Money grabber
Pill addicted
Bail on the doctors
Did they do anything good?
Still ashamed
Still questioning my existence
Still trying to find a reason to not explode
Still preaching things I never do
Still telling people what to do
Feral animal on the go
Spitting facts about the well
About the love about the world
But I never ever mind them
I’ve been trying to get what I what
I tried hard and it failed hard
Coping mechanism broken
All I have to do is starve
So the relationship with myself
Is saved
Stop me if you can
Cause I myself can not
I’m breaking down
Little by little
And everything is tiring
All I wanna do is lay
Put the garlands on my grave
And tell everyone who passes
That they can go fuck themselves
Soul eater
Money grabber
Pill addicted
Bail on the doctors
Did they do anything good?
Still ashamed
Still questioning my existence
Still trying to find a reason to not explode
Still preaching things I never do
Still telling people what to do
Feral animal on the go
Spitting facts about the well
About the love about the world
But I never ever mind them
I’ve been trying to get what I what
I tried hard and it failed hard
Coping mechanism broken
All I have to do is starve
So the relationship with myself
Is saved
Stop me if you can
Cause I myself can not
I’m breaking down
Little by little
And everything is tiring
All I wanna do is lay
Put the garlands on my grave
And tell everyone who passes
That they can go fuck themselves
Restless
But never fearless
Fear intoxicates me
For fear it’s the enemy
Dreams and nightmares
Give me fever
Sweaty mornings
Tired legs
Pin me down
Lay my body on the ground
For it to rest
Play with my hair
And dress me well
Put that nice cream on my face
Watch my body go to rest
Fear
Breathless
In the night I go with no pleasure
But to sleep
In the morning I wake up and for fuck’s sake
It’s the same shit on repeat
Press on my heart
It still beats the same
The unexpected
The hazardous waste in the basement
Of my mind
Get rid of it
For sure it will eat you up
Inside
Outside
I say to her sometimes
When my body wants to relax
Take a breather
Find a lighter
Catch the fire in my eyes
Fiery
Muscle relaxer for the masses
Payment for your houses
Medical bill in your post office
Find the issue
Bring the tissues
Restless
But never fearless
Fear intoxicates me
For fear it’s the enemy
Dreams and nightmares
Give me fever
Sweaty mornings
Tired legs
Pin me down
Lay my body on the ground
For it to rest
Play with my hair
And dress me well
Put that nice cream on my face
Watch my body go to rest
Fear
Breathless
In the night I go with no pleasure
But to sleep
In the morning I wake up and for fuck’s sake
It’s the same shit on repeat
Press on my heart
It still beats the same
The unexpected
The hazardous waste in the basement
Of my mind
Get rid of it
For sure it will eat you up
Inside
Outside
I say to her sometimes
When my body wants to relax
Take a breather
Find a lighter
Catch the fire in my eyes
Fiery
Muscle relaxer for the masses
Payment for your houses
Medical bill in your post office
Find the issue
Bring the tissues
Face from hell
And body parts from dirt
Miserable soul and
smoked out lungs
the horror is in your mind
that follows you around
it has been here since you were born
it was here when you were alone
and not only
You’re the one lurking in the shadows
You’re the one that became a ghost
Haunting through past and present
Chained by your own thoughts
Desperate screaming
No one is hearing
Broken glass that no one can pick it
It’s an empty house
No one around you
Scared shitless of what you may do
Because no one is here to stop you from you
Protect yourself and others
From your own actions
You’re dangerous to mind
You’re dangerous to humans
You’re pride is swallowing you up
You’re defense mechanisms are drowning you in your own blood
You’re coping system is found in the toilets
Or behind the cabinet counter
You’re the voice that’s screaming inside your head
You want to escape your own self
It’s a tragedy really
When you realize you’re replaceable
When you see your own body and wished for it to be buried
And ate away
Gushed out with my pride
And my ego
My bones will no longer be weak
My therapist will no longer say “well that’s it”
My mom won’t cry when I tell her about how I feel
And my dad won’t ever feel guilty for what he is
I was talking about the picture they’ll use
I no longer care
Put none
Just forget about the fact
That I was once one
Face from hell
And body parts from dirt
Miserable soul and
smoked out lungs
the horror is in your mind
that follows you around
it has been here since you were born
it was here when you were alone
and not only
You’re the one lurking in the shadows
You’re the one that became a ghost
Haunting through past and present
Chained by your own thoughts
Desperate screaming
No one is hearing
Broken glass that no one can pick it
It’s an empty house
No one around you
Scared shitless of what you may do
Because no one is here to stop you from you
Protect yourself and others
From your own actions
You’re dangerous to mind
You’re dangerous to humans
You’re pride is swallowing you up
You’re defense mechanisms are drowning you in your own blood
You’re coping system is found in the toilets
Or behind the cabinet counter
You’re the voice that’s screaming inside your head
You want to escape your own self
It’s a tragedy really
When you realize you’re replaceable
When you see your own body and wished for it to be buried
And ate away
Gushed out with my pride
And my ego
My bones will no longer be weak
My therapist will no longer say “well that’s it”
My mom won’t cry when I tell her about how I feel
And my dad won’t ever feel guilty for what he is
I was talking about the picture they’ll use
I no longer care
Put none
Just forget about the fact
That I was once one
I’m a lesbian with heart problems
I’m a daughter to a good mother
I had jobs and I was self taught
How am I different than you are?
I’m a woman and I had a job
And the manager was a dick
Misogynistic piece of shit
Yet I did all of my work
And got out as fast as I could
I’m a woman who cleaned the shop after everyone left
I’m a woman with multiple regrets
I’m a woman who helped others
I’m a woman that let others help me
Because I’m not afraid of my vulnerability
I’m a woman who has issues
I am angry and I’m mad
How much difference is between you and I?
You can be all kinds of crazy when you call us that
The f word and fuck you for that
Say that feminism is bullshit
And all the gays are creeps
And all the lesbians are just questioning their sexuality
I’m a woman who is gay and I claim it hard and proud
But in my small town I’ll be beaten up for speaking out
I can’t even hold my girlfriend’s hand
Cause suddenly I’m scared of death.
I’m a lesbian with heart problems
I’m a daughter to a good mother
I had jobs and I was self taught
How am I different than you are?
I’m a woman and I had a job
And the manager was a dick
Misogynistic piece of shit
Yet I did all of my work
And got out as fast as I could
I’m a woman who cleaned the shop after everyone left
I’m a woman with multiple regrets
I’m a woman who helped others
I’m a woman that let others help me
Because I’m not afraid of my vulnerability
I’m a woman who has issues
I am angry and I’m mad
How much difference is between you and I?
You can be all kinds of crazy when you call us that
The f word and fuck you for that
Say that feminism is bullshit
And all the gays are creeps
And all the lesbians are just questioning their sexuality
I’m a woman who is gay and I claim it hard and proud
But in my small town I’ll be beaten up for speaking out
I can’t even hold my girlfriend’s hand
Cause suddenly I’m scared of death.
ok so long story short my psychiatrist gave me the biggest trigger at our last session and I left crying. yesterday I met her again and she was sorry about what happened and I was a little angry and I said “after all that shit I expected a gift at least” and now I got BRAT on vinyl delivered at my house paid by my lovely psychiatrist.
Perché la mia testa fa di tutto per rendermi infelice?
-PersaDentro-
the worst part about healing that they never tell you is that when you become an adult you are responsible for being the parent you never had