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Alarm Clock  (Prompt)

I’m pulled back to life by the ringing in my ears. 

And I’m up and readying for work. 

That’s it, it’s done. 

It should be over.

Then why do I still hear its ring? 

Following me through the halls of the store, 

distant and muted, but there. 

It’s constantly sounding a warning of threat, 

but when I look around, my eyes go unmet. 

There’s nothing to fear, I keep saying. 

Like a mantra looping in my thoughts.

It doesn’t stop my heart from jumping, 

each time someone speaks from my back.  

I end up more tired than I started,

eyes glazed on my ride home from work. 

Yet when I rest on my warm comfy pillow, 

my muscles refuse to relax. 

It’s when I start tossing and turning, 

that I realize the effort’s a waste. 

Sleep will continue to elude me, 

so instead I’ll resume the chase. 

I’ll escape to a world not my own, 

where I know the pain isn’t real. 

Where I focus on demons of fiction, 

instead of the ones that are real. 

Yes, they will wait for me when skies darken, 

there when I cannot run. 

But at least for now I’m protected. 

At least for now I have won.

Some are quick to laugh.

Some are quick to cry.

Some are quick to leave.

Yes, sadly, some are quick to die. 

But even though they left swiftly,

they are slow to leave our hearts.

For though it was a quick greeting,

that’s how each friendship starts.

And ours will last forever,

not something death can break.

It’s too slow to reach ‘The End’,

so the idea of leaving just won’t take. 

Even so, I’ll miss you right dreadful,

every day that I don’t hear you speak.

But each tear that I let fall down my face,

these simple words I just repeat.

Some were quick to anger,

while you were quick to love.

So I’ll be quick to show them,

through me your work lives on.

Remind me of all I’ve forgotten

Tell me of richly colored meadows,

each blade dusted softly with sun.

Tell me of wind gently teasing,

the ends of my hair when I run.

Remind me that I used to smile.

Remind me that I used to laugh.

Because I’ve forgotten those stories.

Forgotten I’d walked on such paths. 

I’m angry at everything

And sad at nothing

And scared I’m showing it all.

I look in myself

And see an empty bookshelf

Of all the words i left unsaid.

And When I close my eyes

Leaving only relief and silked sighs

I find nothing but darkness in dreams.

They wretch my soul

Hands on my wrists and feet they pull

And maggots they shove down my throat.

No rest for a saint

Whose been pulled down from those pearly gates

And now rests as a sinner in Hell.

But rest I wish for

And dream of in waking moments

And whisper into the iced wind.

To be with you once more

To rest from this constant bloody war

To fall into your arms and sleep.

To smile again

Find the hand of a friend

To snack on blushing cherry reds.

So I’ll pray and I’ll sow

And raise my face to the sky 

And wait for the lily white flakes.

Soft kisses on my nose

As the snow gently blows

That’s when I’ll know it is done.

The red peels away

And your with me to stay

And my breath puffs out like smoke.

Now is your moment

Now is your time

Now is your moment

To take your chance

Face your opponent.

Cause the world won’t wait

For you to get your crap together

Come on cupcake,

Time to see can you weather the weather.

Put on your big boy pants, play big

The rodeo plays rough, ‘ll snap you like a twig.

If you replay replay all the mistake you’ve done made

You’ll never come out of that place where you’re always afraid.

Now I know you’re scared, aren’t we all

But this world wasn’t made for us to feel small.

You’ve got to find that place deep within

That says “Hey I’m the star, not just someone’s stand-in.”

Get off the side lines

Make your mark!

Cause these are rough times

And we all need YOUR spark!

Courage don’t run smoothly in our blood

But we ain’t afraid goin’ sludging through that mud

Cause it’s better than sleepin’, and waitin’, fearin’ all the time

If it’s that or up, imma do that climb.

Cause no matter the exhaustion, sadness and pain,

Keeping my feet on the ground is what’s drivin’ me insane

So reach up, reach up, dream bigger than before

Yes, for sure you’ll lose lots, but you’ll gain much more.

One Lonely Spider

It’s the end of the line for me.

I’m a husk 

Empty

Shattered

One lonely spider dangling on a string.

What happens when the legs break and silk crumbles?

Hang on, it cries to itself,

But not courage, not will, can stop that broken little spider from falling.

And fall it does

Down 

Down

Down the drain broken legs and all

Not a sad fate though

For the spider simply was too small

Too small and the world too big

Its fate was set from the very first breath 

The moment its young legs touched the ground.

I can only feel bad for the spider that tried

To exist in a world built for the grand.

Farewell child

Farewell and good luck

Pray you don’t leave behind hate and pain and hurt

That they will forgive you when you go

For your broken legs could only hold you so long

No more pain, is that so wrong?

Who thought a flower could look so small in my hands

That rocks could tumble and fall

That the world melts into fountain of shifting shadows

When your skin begins to crawl.

Words tumble from your lips in scattered puzzle pieces

And I’m lost again in the violence of thought

That starless sky awaits my lonely return

Return to solitude, return to sender, return to my home

It is a house of forgotten miracles

Memories cursed to disappear

It is my past and future

It is the demon that chases my across the stars

It holds my hope and dreams in a net across its shoulder

Dangles them in front now and then

This is the house that I died in yesterday

And the house I will die in tomorrow

Cause I have been dying in there for quite some time now

Alone in the darkness

I am trapped there,

And each door Death awaits

Why do I open the doors?

I should stop.

But I don’t because an ember is not dead, 

Not yet

It remains alive through the years of smothering and starvation

So stubborn I wish it would leave

It hurts

It burns

But they say it’s good

They say it keeps me from giving up…

And I hate them all the more.

Would you give me a moment to think 

To feel

To spend one moment right here.

Cause this world’s blinding, it’s just anger and fighting

And I’m losing myself to the smoke.

Cause I’m taking all the hits that aren’t meant for me

But no one runs to help me cause I’m falling suddenly.

I’m lost, they lost me, and I’m running out of time

The walls are filling up with filth and grime.

I’m no longer clean, a dark stain on the wall

I need help desperately but too anxious to call.

This is all a dream, I need this to be a dream

So I can wake up and finally stop my endless scream.

I died last night and now live in a blur

My only friend, the mind’s dark whisperer.

Where is thy faith young wanderer?

You trust yourself, like a mouse trusts a snake.

Meadow of Butterfly Wings

I’m lost and alone

No place to call home

Just a carousel spinning ‘round.

The rain coming down

Falls without sound

With rings spreading on their way.

It’s all my eyes can see

On a merry-go-round

Calling me down the way, here we go.

Find my by the bay

Where the rose petals play

The breeze lifts me off the ground.

And full of the sun 

Watching leaves as they run

I slowly fall back awake.

Keep still for me please

Frozen ice in the trees

Wait while I rise up from the day.

The darkness holds air

Cause I’m with you right there

In the meadow of butterfly wings.

All I can

I’ve taken all I can take

The bones I have, the bones that break

And it’s all just come and gone

And I’m barely holding on

I’ve lost all I could lose

The heart that was, the heart has bruised

And the songs gone out of tune

I wish to God it weren’t so soon

Cause the moments got away

And I’m chasin’ for some other way

I can have my happy end

That you won’t leave, my only friend

I am in too worlds, of light and dark. Both make sense, in their own way. When I’m in one, it is all I know, and the other side of that coin is something confusing and seemingly insane. Today I am in a dark world. There are shadows here and muted colors. Smiles are painted on and my eyes are empty and cold. And when I think of my life being anything but this, it seems such a long ways away. Like a dream, or a distant memory. Even though it was just yesterday when I felt light, when I dreamed of bright futures and actually believed it would come true. So far away now. Another life.

Mistakes

You know those days when you look back on your day and it seems like you did every single thing wrong that you could do wrong and you realize that you broke all the promises you made to yourself just the night before. In those moments sometimes the only thing you can do is just go to sleep and try again tomorrow. 

So many times I let all the mistakes of yesterday ruin all my efforts today. As much as it’s cheesy it’s actually true, treat everyday as a new day. Leave all the crap and broken promises in the past, and just try to make the next day better. 

There is no use worrying about how much of a putz you were yesterday AND also worrying that you’ll make the same mistakes today. 

The only way to get through this life is to understand that mistakes are a part of it, and just because most people hide their blunders doesn’t mean you are the only one that makes them. 

I don’t mean to sound preachy. I, myself, am still struggling to move my brain from ‘knowing this’ to ‘believing this’.

But just thought I’d put it out there.

Me today about literally everything:

What we can take from dreams

When I dream I can sometimes change something into something else, merely because I wish it. I can make a moose, a deer, or a plane out of thin air. If only I close my eyes and wish harder. The monsters don’t always leave but when they come a clawing. I reach out my hands and believe that though I hadn’t ever before, I can use the wind as my weapon and bash it straight into the floor. When I open my eyes it has happen, because I expected nothing else. I believed in my power so fully, that failing just wouldn’t make sense. And each time the monsters grew stronger and bigger than mammoths or whales, I just squeezed shut my eyes and let my belief grow in size, until it burst out and became something real. The enemies don’t shrink, but each time I fall, I just think. I’ll believe it until it is done. If it don’t work at first, I just clench my fists and believe harder, until I am commanding that very thing into existence.

-A Better Place-

Shattered into pieces

Given up for dead. 

A pain that never ceases

All thoughts are born from dread.

Wisk me away to a better place,

Where words do nothing but sing.

Where time is asleep, and not in this chase,

Where dreams can be filled with anything.

-You never did-

Wishing, dreaming someone would find me.

And then you did.

Knowing in my heart, it won’t last, you’ll leave me.

And then you did.

Wanting you back, scared you’d find someone better.

And then you did.

Still hoping of a future where you came back to find me.

But you never did.

Intentions

I intend to rule the world.

But can or will I do?

I intend to climb my mountains.

But each time I tried they grew.

My intentions dwindle and sour.

With the days that pass and flow.

Will my intentions ever make something?

I can hold in my hands and show.

Will I intend what I finish

Or will it diminish

When I come to my here, unplanned.

I think I’ll intend to intend.

And each time that intent falls flat.

I’ll grab it again, step right back to bat.

And intend each dead end to be more.

Limit.

Less. 

Less than all you’ve hoped for.

Limited in all but let downs.

Limitless.

I’ll reach farther than ever before.

Nothing less than the stars for me.

I’m leaving behind the limits that doubt and fear create.

My dreams and aspirations are more than the obstacles they make.

I’m more than my insecurities.

I’m more than all I am.

I’m more than what you see of me.

I’m more than the river I’ve swam.

Everyone is an artist, the only difference is one puts their heart on paper.

A poet's soul

Something beautiful 

Something only few understand

Something born from seeing pain, seeing beauty, seeing everything.

An artist’s soul

Something unique

Something never spoken

Something born from feeling pain, feeling beauty, feeling everything.

For those who think they’re alone in their darkness

Everything is shifting so fast, changing, moving on. But I am stuck here, stumbling, unsure of where I stand. I just keep searching for someone to understand. Understand what I fight, the pain that I live through, the darkness I see. I search the world for tears, to match my own. And in a world drowning in sadness, I can’t find any. Tears are hidden, tears are shame. I should know, I hide my own. My unshed tears drip down my face, cupping my plaster smile in an embrace of sorrow. No one will know. But still I do search. Search for that second where a smile fades from the eye and sadness grips the heart. The moment when the eyes begin to cry, but don’t. Instead they hold it all in, the pain and regret and despair. But the more the pain, the more the suffering, the less you see it in their eyes. Because the eyes can only hold so many tears. So as they try flowing out, they are pushed back, dripping down your throat into your lungs and finally, back into your heart. And that’s when I know, they understand me. When their eyes deaden, their face goes slack, and I know then, it was too much for their eyes to hold. Too much for them to show. They walk around with empty eyes, and poison eating at their heart. But no one sees. No one sees like I see. But tired I am, of searching for empty eyes. Because the more I look, the more I see. The more I see that it is everywhere, in everything. Everyone is crying, tears of glass, collecting in their heart. 

Then I think, if sadness is all around me, why do I feel so lonely? Misunderstood, judged. Does acknowledging my sorrow take away your ability to deny yours? Is depression something we just want to shove in a small box and tuck away, denying that it exists? Something to apologize for when it shows its face? Why are we so afraid to admit that it’s there? 

Of course, some people can’t shove it into a box. No, it is woven into everything else that we are. It simply can’t fit into such a small box. We can’t hide it anywhere. So maybe we just hide ourselves somewhere. Somewhere dark, where the darkness inside can feel safe. Safe to exist. Safe to be a part of us. 

Don’t look me in the eyes. Because it’s still there. No matter how many times I push it down, you can see it in my eyes. It filled my heart, and lungs, and throat. So now, it rests in my eyes, always. And now, they can’t flow in. Only out. I can’t hide anymore, and I’m scared to death that you’ll see. Tears shattering on the ground, sobs clawing themselves out of my throat, emotion racking my body with convulsions. You will see the fear seizing my muscles, sending shivers through my nerves. You will see my crumpled body, broken spirit, shattered mind. I’ll be laid bare, vulnerable, at your mercy. Basically begging for your kindness, destroyed by a simple smile or crushed by a careless word. And that is something I won’t do. Not again. Never again.

Things we lose

I remember a time when I was a child. One of the ones that played in the mud with their first-day-of-school outfits, convinced my siblings they could fly, and snuck off in the middle of dinner to go play pretend in the backyard. My only worries were if my “starved” stomach could survive until the blessed amen. Then of course the growing up period of middle school, where I built up walls to protect from the endless embarrassment of pooled immaturity. High school being much the same, and then there was the world. They give you the world and say figure it out. Jobs and taxes and leases and noise. But here is what I wonder, obsessing about day by day, as I look back and question when was the exact moment I lost myself? Was it even just one moment or instead millions of small bites that gnawed at my very being? Slowly and slowly eating away with such precision that I never even noticed until it was too late. I was already gone. And here I am wondering, as I look back, what went wrong? Maybe there’s a hope kindling deep within myself that thinks if I can retrace my steps, I will find all of the shattered pieces of myself along the way. I’ll collect them up and with all the pieces, looking so very small in my hands, I’ll be able to put myself together. I’ll find myself again.