Anannas-garden - Ananna's Garden - Tumblr Blog

I suppose it could be said

I overdosed on God.

Had my high at 25

Lost my mind

All these years

Just putting it back together

Moderately happy

One day at a time

I rage against God

I absolutely believe in God,

And I believe he is evil

I play with religion like a game, creating them for sport

Hope

It can make the journey pass with ease

Or destroy you when it fails.

Do you know what was in pandora's box?

The fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

Free will.

Precisely because the first act of free will for humans

Was in this slight rebellion.

To peer into God's tool chest

To eat from his sacred tree

To steel from God what made God God.

Now we are God

And he can no longer tell right from wrong.

An evil dictate from whom we stole morality.

I wanted to know God

And when I did

I did not like what I had seen.

From the depths of love

To the peaks of hate

God is all too real for me.

Sometimes I want to die

And that is ok

Because I know I don't really want to die

I just don't want to be in that moment.

So I outrun the dark thoughts

Stabilize

And look for something beautiful.

Then I smile.

Why I am afraid of sex

--------------------------

I have no idea and all too many.

Fear of being seen

Fear of taking up space

Fear of not knowing what I am doing

Fear of not being perfect

Fear

It is the driving hindrance of my life.

I am afraid of everything because I do not understand everything

I find myself trapped in my own head

Desperately trying to understand.

I get turned around and stressed

Obsessively analyzing every single moment of it

Robotically approaching the situation

Trying to solve a formula

A combination

A puzzle that can be beaten

And then I will know it all

Never struggling again.

I need to be god

And achieve the impossible.

Sex is intimate

And that requires me to remove the mask

The mask that is the lie of me.

I pretend at being bold

Knowledgeable.

I play at being functional

And that I get every joke or innuendo.

I am great at seeming like I know what I am doing

But understanding alludes me.

Intimacy brings me face to face with myself

And that is something I have buried under a million miles of sedimentary masks.

I don't know how to be me.

What kind of girl am I?

One who doesn't wear make-up often,

Can't fix her hair up,

Loves to do her nails but loves to watch them fade.

I play games and eat food

Have a hard time drinking and smoking weed.

Dreams of relationships

But needs her solitude.

I am not the image of expected femininity.

My voice doesn't pass

My body doesn't pass

I don't pass.

I honestly don't mind

But I live with the assumptions I have of other people's thoughts.

Every sir I get

Every dismissal I receive

They hurt.

I hate feeling the need to do certain things

Just to be validated

But here I am

Wondering if I am doing enough.

Trying to just be happy in my own self

Some days are just harder than others.

I spent most of my life raging

Dancing across manic depressive states.

Didn't know what it was

Didn't know how to fight it

But I kept surviving

In spite of how bad it got.

The meds and the therapy saved my life.

I didn't fade

Dysphoria hits hard sometimes.

I look in the mirror and I don't see what I want.

There stands an imposter

Telling me

"you'll never be loved

Never be seen."

It runs over and over in my head

Stealing every moment.

Soon I am back in the bed

Just trying to hide.

Pulling up blankets

Running from myself.

Sometimes I can escape it

Today isn't one of those days.

I do my best.

I know my heart.

Just exhausted by it all

Ready to be me

Inside and out.

Waking up in a new city

Waiting to get out and find new people

Wondering what is coming my way.

A new journey for my weariness

Trying to do what my soul needs of me

Chasing smiles.

Fighting through my own depression

Hoping to climb up and out

Towards better dreams.

Living with a gentle faith

That everything is going to be ok

And I

I am going to thrive.

My life is in a massive state of flux right now. Transitioning, surgery, moving, everything seems up in the air. The only thing I do have a firm grasp on is myself, and even in this I am still learning about this me. I am happy, in spite of the stress, I know I am living the life I am supposed to, and it is only going to get more me from here. I have accomplished a lot in my life, things I am proud of. I am my greatest project and words can't describe how happy I am with my own pursuit to that end

The words you write have become very dear to me. For the life of me I can’t explain why, but the words you write have a hold on me and won’t let go. There’s something very special inside you, so please keep writing, and good luck with anything and everything you’re going through.

There have been few things that have filled me with the pride you have with this. Thank you so much, I am truly moved and so happy that my writings we're impactful enough for them to touch you so. I am also extremely appreciative of your kind words of encouragement. I don't write as much as I used to, but that is more a matter of life going well and personal growth. Hope to write more, with all the changes coming in my life I am sure I will be

1-12-22

Having my Orchiectomy y'all

My blog really has transformed into a transition blog. I love photographing myself, and being able to see the transformation. I still write poetry, but not as often, and when I do it is all too personal. I do hope to write more, just looking for all the right motivations, and the gumption to do it

New Years and thriving

I am a woman. How often that feels weird to say, but each day I become more what I know to be true in my heart, and I do know it in my heart, what the world sees be damned. I am beautiful and glorious, and I am obsessed with my own wonder

I have been alone for most of my life,

Having tasted that rarity of companionship

It's absence is all the more deafening.

My new friend is in agony

And there is nothing I can do.

Waiting for them to return

So I can have her in my life again.