Why I Am Afraid Of Sex

Why I am afraid of sex

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I have no idea and all too many.

Fear of being seen

Fear of taking up space

Fear of not knowing what I am doing

Fear of not being perfect

Fear

It is the driving hindrance of my life.

I am afraid of everything because I do not understand everything

I find myself trapped in my own head

Desperately trying to understand.

I get turned around and stressed

Obsessively analyzing every single moment of it

Robotically approaching the situation

Trying to solve a formula

A combination

A puzzle that can be beaten

And then I will know it all

Never struggling again.

I need to be god

And achieve the impossible.

Sex is intimate

And that requires me to remove the mask

The mask that is the lie of me.

I pretend at being bold

Knowledgeable.

I play at being functional

And that I get every joke or innuendo.

I am great at seeming like I know what I am doing

But understanding alludes me.

Intimacy brings me face to face with myself

And that is something I have buried under a million miles of sedimentary masks.

I don't know how to be me.

I have been alone for most of my life,

Having tasted that rarity of companionship

It's absence is all the more deafening.

My new friend is in agony

And there is nothing I can do.

Waiting for them to return

So I can have her in my life again.

1-12-22

Having my Orchiectomy y'all

Do you know what was in pandora's box?

The fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

Free will.

Precisely because the first act of free will for humans

Was in this slight rebellion.

To peer into God's tool chest

To eat from his sacred tree

To steel from God what made God God.

Now we are God

And he can no longer tell right from wrong.

An evil dictate from whom we stole morality.

What kind of girl am I?

One who doesn't wear make-up often,

Can't fix her hair up,

Loves to do her nails but loves to watch them fade.

I play games and eat food

Have a hard time drinking and smoking weed.

Dreams of relationships

But needs her solitude.

I am not the image of expected femininity.

My voice doesn't pass

My body doesn't pass

I don't pass.

I honestly don't mind

But I live with the assumptions I have of other people's thoughts.

Every sir I get

Every dismissal I receive

They hurt.

I hate feeling the need to do certain things

Just to be validated

But here I am

Wondering if I am doing enough.

Trying to just be happy in my own self

Some days are just harder than others.