Tw Sa Vent - Tumblr Posts

Not me trying not to have an anxiety attack at work because the memories are coming back again. I just want to forget about it. To forget about her. What she did. The fact I never said anything about it. I hate myself for that, but I know I’m not to blame.

I didn’t say no, but I didn’t say yes. And silence isn’t consent.

And my whole body is shaking and I feel like throwing up and I can barely breathe or think and I have to hide that fact.

But I can’t stop thinking about that day. The things left unsaid. I never wanted her to take it that far. But I didn’t say anything. I should’ve. Maybe things would be different if I had said something.

I fucking hate her. More than I could ever put into words.

I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH THIS!!

But why tf is my ex, who has coerced me (more than once) reblogging this? Does he really think he's the victim here? Especially since he has received no negative impact for his actions. I received negative impact, I am still receiving negative impact. I am aware I told many people about it, probably too many, but he does not see how his actions are damaging. He hurt me and he will continue to hurt others.

Hey, so just with some of the discourse floating around this site, I just wanted to remind people of one thing:

It does not matter if you’ve been dating for a week or have been married for twenty years, being in a relationship does not and never will mean that you owe your partner(s) any form of intimacy. You do not owe them sex, you do not owe them xyz type of sex, you do not even owe them cuddling. Being in a relationship does not change the fact that you have bodily autonomy.

09/13/2024

At around 11:25 pm

It was a nice man and his friend who I decided to help get to a destination since they were stranded. The nice guy was saying how he had been having a terrible day earlier while I was just getting gas. It was mostly all fine, just awkward as they hailed from a different type of town. Probably in a gang of some sort. They asked if I was into weed, but I declined. When I got to the destination I declined payment from the nice man and he got out of the car. His friend said something, probably implying something dirty, but I was too dissociative to fully register it or think about it. He attempted to reach for my chest from the back seat. I stopped him. I should've made him pay more than $5 for every time he attempted to get me to kiss him with his words. He tried to kiss my cheek after giving me the money. He got out of the car. He told me I was pretty.

Nothing truly happened that night but I was nearly groped and was harassed. I don't even know if this could count as SA at all. It made me shakey when I got back home. I needed to get the smell of the men out of the car so I just doused everything in as much perfume as I could handle. The smell burned my nose and stung my lungs. I couldn't be that touchy with my partner, not when the image of his hands reaching from the back seat was still in my head. It's just a really bad memory, though it was two days ago.

I swore to myself the day after that I wouldn't let the ignorant man make the word "pretty" a venomous thing. That I wouldn't let myself entirely break down. I have weapons and not weapons in my car now, and on my body. Two items created by me, and one item originally for cutting paracord. I'm still shaky and weak. I'm still recovering from the bad memory from three days ago, still calming down.

I refuse to let cruelty take my heart, though I'm more weary now of who I should help. Who I should let in my car. Hopefully this world changes for the better soon.

09/13/2024

At around 11:25 pm

It was a nice man and his friend who I decided to help get to a destination since they were stranded. The nice guy was saying how he had been having a terrible day earlier while I was just getting gas. It was mostly all fine, just awkward as they hailed from a different type of town. Probably in a gang of some sort. They asked if I was into weed, but I declined. When I got to the destination I declined payment from the nice man and he got out of the car. His friend said something, probably implying something dirty, but I was too dissociative to fully register it or think about it. He attempted to reach for my chest from the back seat. I stopped him. I should've made him pay more than $5 for every time he attempted to get me to kiss him with his words. He tried to kiss my cheek after giving me the money. He got out of the car. He told me I was pretty.

Nothing truly happened that night but I was nearly groped and was harassed. I don't even know if this could count as SA at all. It made me shakey when I got back home. I needed to get the smell of the men out of the car so I just doused everything in as much perfume as I could handle. The smell burned my nose and stung my lungs. I couldn't be that touchy with my partner, not when the image of his hands reaching from the back seat was still in my head. It's just a really bad memory, though it was two days ago.

I swore to myself the day after that I wouldn't let the ignorant man make the word "pretty" a venomous thing. That I wouldn't let myself entirely break down. I have weapons and not weapons in my car now, and on my body. Two items created by me, and one item originally for cutting paracord. I'm still shaky and weak. I'm still recovering from the bad memory from three days ago, still calming down.

I refuse to let cruelty take my heart, though I'm more weary now of who I should help. Who I should let in my car. Hopefully this world changes for the better soon.

Tw: mention of sa

The cousin that sexually assaulted me between the ages of 6 and 10 is back in the country. I am so scared and I probably have to see him next weekend...

I don't want to see him. I don't think I can. I have to act normal and like nothing ever happend while I get flashbacks of him doing all of it.

I can't stand the nightmares and flashbacks anymore, I just want to forget and be safe.

I don't want to relive him forcing himself onto me. I don't want to feel this helpless and weak again.

I need to get stronger. I need to be able to defend myself...

Unfortunately, my very clear and very explicit boundaries have been overstepped far too many times in my DMs. And no, this is not a case of the few ruining it for the many but rather the many ruining it for the few.

I am genuinely so disappointed because I love interacting with people and I love getting your attention and I like making you guys cum. But so many of you have completely overstepped many of my boundaries that I have always made clear from the start.

No, you are not the exception. No I don’t want to try anal with you, no it’s not just because I haven’t had the right person do it. I don’t want anal because I was anally sexually assaulted when I was a child. I was eight. EIGHT. So no, you are not the exception.

And no, you are not the exception and no, I don’t want to suck your dick, no I don’t want to choke on your cock. I don’t want to suck it because I still feel the phantom pressure of a hand pressing my neck down and the pain of it digging its nails into the skin of my throat. I was a child then too. So again, no, you are not the exception.

Are you happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear? Do you feel good about yourself now that you’ve made me say it out loud? Does it turn you on to know that I was continually sexually assaulted from childhood to adolescence to adulthood? Does it get your tip all wet to know that it was my cousin and my father and my friends’ parents and strangers at parties and clients at work and commuters in the train and random men at random beaches?