Frustration - Tumblr Posts

i am having a no brain day boy oh boy. No brain. Brain no respond-y. Brain go no contact, no cooperate, no collaborate. 💀💀💀 make strange noises for no reason because i wanna and im gonna and who knows what my medical diet is today and 'get up at the right time why?' and yes of course i should do my physical therapy but do do doo do doooo ✨🎶✨ im not gonna cause don't wanna no budgeting no planning no getting things done no nothing no anything even thinking not really allowed i mean im trying but i guess it's not gonna be today today no brain day

I need to vent

I'm frustrated and angry. Not for myself, for the rest of my family. It seems like anytime something really good happens to us something 1000 times worse comes along and kicks us all in our teeth. Maybe it happens to everyone, but I swear whenever things seem to be going great for one of us, there's always a kicker. This time around it's my little brother. I dont want to say what it is, but basically he got hit with a double whammy. I'm so tired of all of us getting the shit end of the stick. After all the bullshit each and every one of us have gone through just once I wish when something went right something else didnt come along and destroy it all.

simfileshare

Is anyone else having a hell of a time with simfileshare? Everytime I try to open or download something off of it in chrome it tells me its a deceptive site.  I DON’T CARE CHROME LET ME DOWNLOAD SHIT UGH.

This anon makes me want to tear my hair out. Do they not understand that you can be an e-girl and still have visibly African features? This gatekeeping is shitty and racist.

to be fair alix could've just straightened and dyed her hair and gotten color contacts. it's not colorist or featurist (is that even a thing lol) to have her look like any other egirl out there

congrats you missed the point.

ANGER,

FRUSTRATION, 

PAIN, 

INJUSTICE, 

and all these things I want to scream about.

Everytime someone betrays me, I go like "that's why I hate people." Magically it helps me to put my frustration away.

Um, hi! (A thank you and an important question)

Sooo... I've noticed that a pretty good amount of people are following me and first of all: THANK YOU, YOU GUYS! <3

I know I haven't really posted anything of my own yet but I certainly plan to, particularly about this Zorua I've becomes friends with at the park five minutes from my home (#PokemonIRL).

But first, I have an important question about actual real life. This is really selfish of me because I should be giving YOU guys something... but I have a bit of a home issue going on. I'd rather keep it under wraps for the sake of my family's privacy, but I'll explain it the best I can.

Have any of you been in a home situation where... where a family member you're really close with is going through a REALLY difficult time? A time when they aren't themself and it really scared you? I have anxiety and I keep asking this family member "are you okay?" until I realized I could be putting pressure on them and make them feel they have to hide or bottle up their emotions just so I won't freak out.

This situation isn't the worst (no starving, no abuse, nothing like that), thank goodness, but it's not that great either.

I just want to be ready for the next time this member of my family goes through hell again.

The problem is my anxiety is chronic, and my imagination is constantly playing tricks on me and making me think this family member will break down at any moment.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of situation before? This family member grew up all their life telling white lies to not hurt anybody's feelings. I'm the opposite; I prefer the truth and I HATE telling any kind of lie, and even though I want this family member to be honest with me if they're feeling okay or not. I asked them directly to be honest with me and they agreed, but when you've lived with telling white lies for most of your life, of course it's easy to forget that.

Has anyone here gone through that kind of thing? There is another family member I can ask and know he will be completely honest with me, but they work late and there are several hours when it's just me and the family member that's been struggling on and off. Just asking "how are you?" instead of "are you okay?" isn't enough to calm me down because I don't know if the answer is real, so I get all paranoid and jumpy, just waiting for any sign of things going south. And I don't know if this family member will be honest with me or not!

Has anyone reading this experienced that kind of thing? If you did, how did you prepare and cope? I'm kind of at a loss with how to handle this...

"Decretum"

SPOILER WARNING FOR PUELLA MAGI MADOKA MAGICA!

You know that scene from Madoka Magica? You know, when Sayaka battles Elsa Maria? You can find it on Youtube.

It kind of funny to me that watching/listening to it on loop almost symbolizes something my family and I are struggling with.

Sayaka, exhausted but charging into battle? That's like me coming up with an idea to at the very least improve the situation when the pain hits like a brick wall.

Her getting so easily thrown back again and again? That's my reaction to my family, both of whom come from the around the 1960's, the age where hiding your problems was the norm and that you're apparently weak if you can't fix all your problems by yourself.

Kyoko coming in to save Sayaka? That's my therapist and I, except I don't want to keep having to fight (unlike Sayaka), and my therapist is guiding me instead of trying to take over (unlike Kyoko).

Sayaka rushing in and decapitating the witch? It's me feeling like I've finally come up with an idea that will AT THE VERY LEAST make things a little better. Not to mention Sayaka's "knight in shining armor" motif. I don't necessarily want to be a hero, though. I just want the pain to lessen just a little. I want to say that I'll lessen the pain for everyone, but in the end I think it really is just me.

Her beating Elsa Maria to death? My anger and frustration when my parents say I should just let the family member that's struggling deal with it themself, and won't even give my ideas a listen all because they don't want to "look at the past". I can understand that because I don't like doing that either, but now sometimes you HAVE to face your past.

Madoka quietly pleading for Sayaka to stop? That's me in the aftermath of the arguments. I just want to pain to STOP. It's a pain I struggle with so hard and I can barely escape. I don't know how to deal with it and the thoughts of despair circle in my head in an endless loop and no matter what I do or how hard I try the thoughts WON'T STOP. They will circle for HOURS on end. No exaggeration, either. I don't say things like that unless I mean it.

And then it happens all over again...

I'm sorry if this makes no sense, especially because I can't give any context as to WHAT the situation is, but... I needed to do this and get it all out.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for flipping out a few days ago, screaming and swearing and saying "f**k the world".

I'm just so tired of real life after having family members struggle for two-and-a-half years. My grandmother, a prisoner in her own body, treated like trash in a place that was supposed to help us take care of her. My grandfather, now a widow and succumbing to dementia with my family being forced to watch because he's physically healthy (sort of) but losing his memories in a slow burn.

And that family member being affected the most by it all; struggling with a disease, alcoholism, and turning into a shadow of their former self. They were the person I felt closest to and, after drinking, they become apathetic and just... they're "taking care" of themselves in the least healthy way. AND they're stubborn as hell and don't want to get ACTUAL help!

It doesn't help that I don't have my driver's license yet because, during the time I should have used more time to learn, but I was depressed as hell and scared to even leave the house at the time.

And now I'm trapped here. Every day. Do you know what it's like having chronic anxiety and almost never getting a day's break from them dealing with a disease so drastic and unpredictable?

Earlier this week they seemed to be willing to try, but I don't even know anymore because just a day or two later was hellish. They can't remember any of it, but I can. I remember it all, and they officially broke me AND THEY HAVEN'T EVEN SAID THEY'RE SORRY!

Funny how they always apologize for relapsing, but they have yet to even acknowledge that they put my other family member and I through hell. Even if they don't remember the details they KNOW they relapsed, so them not knowing is not an excuse.

Next week they and my other family member are going on vacation for a week and I can't tell you how much we all NEED a break from our shoddy "routine". I used to have the house to myself several days a week to unwind and practice voice acting and singing without worrying about someone walking in on me. Now I'm lucky if I can even get a single day of the week to myself for just a few hours.

Call me selfish if you want, but my family and I have given so much to them and get so little in return. I don't even know if they're on board with getting help anymore, and everything has become so obscure and painful that I've run out of hope. All I can do is keep myself buried in fantasy and worlds that actually make sense.

Shard of Glass

Hello hello and welcome to this week’s six-sentence story that I will hopefully remember to actually post this week.  The word of the week is STRAIN, and I used it referring to bacterial strain, specifically strep.  Join our narrator as they deal with condescending doctors, and try and get a prescription for antibiotics.  Note, last time I tried to get antibiotics, I thought the pharmacist was…

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I want to see everything you built turn to ashes. Those ashes will be the ink I will paint your history with.

a frustrating turn of events

something terrible has happened. last week my arthritis flared up.

4 years ago I was given the diagnosis of undifferentiated spondyloarthropy, which basically meant that my rheumatologist knew the pain I was suffering with was due to one of the diseases in the spondylitis family but it was too early to tell exactly which one. spondylitis, which is autoimmune, can be bluntly defined as inflammation of the vertebra (spondylo = spine) but many other joints can be involved due to various other factors. I'm pretty sure right now my diagnosis is psoriatic arthritis.

my primary problem joint is my right elbow. other joints affected are my left wrist, the left side of my jaw (and possibly the right side), some part of my left ankle, and maybe a few toes. my back has never given me any problems. until last year. december 2009 I got the swine flu and had to go off my arthritis medicines for about a month (since I have an autoimmune disease I have to take immunosuppressants, which are not good to take when your body is trying to fight off an infection and/or virus). during the time off my meds I noticed that my arthritis was flaring up, which was understandable. but I noticed that my back was starting to hurt too. at first I just convinced myself that it was from staying in bed for a month. but now I can't make that excuse anymore.

this time around, my first flare up since the swine flu inflicted flare up, my back is also causing problems. when I noticed the increasing back pain I was experiencing I thought it might be due to the fact that I spend a lot of time hunched over my desk working in my studio. but the more I thought about this the more it didn't make sense. this is hardly the first time that I have been spending extended hours leaning over my work station. no, I'm pretty sure my spine is just the latest victim of this cruel disease. 

so what does that mean? for anybody who is still reading this long diatribe of dribble let me explain. it means that I am frustrated at my body for crapping out on me at such an important time. but the fact that I haven't simply crawled into my bed and refused to come out shows that I have grown a lot in the last 4 years. I am trying my damn hardest not to let myself get down. sure, I had a few bad days at the beginning of last week. I let myself get angry and sad, but then I got over it and tried to figure out what I was going to do next.

so I'm still working hard, trying to get my show together. but now I have to be more aware of my body and intentionally watch for warning signs. I work best in long hours, generally working until I am exhausted and all that. but now I can't do that anymore. I have to learn to be a sprinter, not a marathoner. well, maybe a half-marathoner.

for all you people reading this (are there any?), will you do me a favor? will you keep me in your thoughts and prayers during this next month?

on monday evenings I have an intaglio printmaking class that lasts five hours. normally for studio classes the five hours is split up between two days throughout the week, three hours on the first and two on the second. but for this class all five hours are on mondays from 5 to 10.

after monday at 10:00 I usually don't think about that class for the rest of the week. I am usually trying to work on my thesis. it would not be unfair to say that intaglio printmaking has taken a backseat to my thesis. but I still need to pass the class, so I try and dedicate sundays and mondays to printmaking homework. I tell myself that I cannot work on my thesis, because I need to do printmaking homework. but this doesn't always work. lately, it has just been making my sundays entirely unproductive and my mondays long, stressful, and painful.

but my biggest grievance is that this class is sucking away my enjoyment for printmaking. I can't help but see it as an obstacle, just something taking up valuable time that I could be directing elsewhere. and that's silly, because I'm only registered for 2 classes this semester, intaglio printmaking and senior thesis. I am also doing an internship off the record, but if it where official, I would still only be at 12 credits. maybe I'm just horrible at managing my time?

well, I think the fact that it is 8:00 on a sunday night and I still haven't done anything productive answers that question for me. Here's hoping I can change that.

keyboard malfunctions

Recently the keyboard of my macbook has been giving me great difficulty. Specifically, some of the keys have stopped working. The keys in question, chronologically as best as I can remember, are the "esc", "p", ";", ":", "/", "?", "-", "_", "\" , "|",  and "return".

All but "return" are refusing to work at all while "return" is still at the stage where it chooses when to work and malfunctions at its leisure. I've had to resort to copying and pasting whenever I've needed to use one of the keys in question. "esc", or course, has simply fallen into extinction in terms of its usefulness. I wonder which keys will become defunct next?

Has anyone else been afflicted with similar frustrations? If so, how did you fix it? I haven't found anything useful in my searches through the interwebs and I'm not really jumping at the chance to take my dilemma to the Apple Store as my warranty ran out. 

Sometimes you need to "Shout to the Lord" (humor, but with some truth too)

Part 6: 🦾🐚As they swim through a narrow tunnel, a massive boulder shifts above them. Ren's quick thinking saves them, but the boulder blocks their path. Using his tail, Ren attempts to move the boulder, but it barely budges. Exhausted and frustrated, he wants to give up. 💔 #ObstaclesAbound

Part 7: Luminescent Coral Polyps 🌿💡 Just when all seems lost, Ren notices a peculiar coral formation pulsating with a soft, mesmerizing light. As he approaches, the coral polyps suddenly extend, creating a glowing pathway through the dark tunnel. The polyps sway gently in the current, as if beckoning Ren to follow their lead. Ren's mother, recognizing the coral's unusual behavior as a sign of hope, encourages him to trust in the guidance of the ocean. With renewed determination, Ren pushes forward, and the boulder slowly moves, revealing a hidden path. 💪 #GlimmerOfHope

Part 8: 🌋💥As they continue their journey, the group encounters a sudden underwater volcanic eruption. Scalding steam and ash fill the water, obscuring their vision. Ren, relying on his instincts, guides his family through the murky depths, narrowly escaping the burning debris. 😰 #NaturalDisaster

Renard the sea fox

Part 1: 🦊🎨

In a vibrant underwater world, Renard (or Ren for short), the sea fox, is born into a family of legendary artists. Despite having no limbs, he dreams of creating masterpieces. But his attempts to paint with his tail and teeth are met with laughter and mockery. Feeling defeated, Ren abandons his dreams, just like everyone abandoned him. 💔

I’m still waiting for that one fanfic to update after it last updated 4 years ago.

Artwork by Baldo for the vinyl 12” 45RPM

“DYING CITIES REMIX”

FRUSTRATION and Born Bad records

http://www.bornbadrecords.net/releases/bb062-frustration-dying-cities-remix/

Baldo : itinéraire d’un génie discret - Noisey

Des squats de Belleville au Rose Bonbon, des ateliers des Halles aux pochettes de Frustration, parcours d'un artiste de l'ombre, au trait aussi poétique que radical.

Interview by Lelo Jimmy Batista for Noisey 2016

DE PROFUNDIS CLAMAVI

Huile sur bois 40x40 cm ~ Baldo ~ 2018 ~

Tableau réalisé comme une pochette de disque en pensant au long poème d’Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, pour l’exposition collective FIND “Future Is Not Dead” initiée par les KING'S QUEER.

Galerie Corinne Bonnet, Cité artisanale 63 rue Daguerre, Paris XIVe

Vernissage 17 mai 2018 CARTE BLANCHE À KING'S QUEER (Fin de l’expo le 9 juin 2018)

Exposition collective avec la participation d'Alain Maneval et de Baldo, Sarah Barthe, Arnaud Baumann, Carotide, Corinne Bonnet, Olivia Clavel, Epsylon Point, Kim Prisu, Kiki Picasso Christian Chapiron, Anne van der Linden, Miss Fuck, Arnaud Rabier Nowart, France de Ranchin, Simonne de Saint-Ouen, Pierre Terrasson, Yarps, Fred Zag.