Eldest Child - Tumblr Posts
"He always belonged to someone else and never himself."
IM CRYING MY EYES OUT IN CLASS
Sometimes I think about how people rank Jason as their least favorite because he’s “such a bland character with no personality”, but was he even allowed to have one in the first place?
He’s two years old when Lupa guides him to Camp Jupiter. He’s brought up to be the perfect soldier, the perfect Roman, the perfect hero. He doesn’t know life outside the legion. He’s the son of Jupiter, he has to be great. If he’s not, he’s a failure and a disgrace. If he is then he’s still not the best because there so many other heroes who did it better than him so he has to keep trying harder and harder even though no matter what he’s never going to be good enough because the moment he slips up he’s no longer the perfect hero.
The few times he actually tries to do something he wants, he’s only cut down. Changing the 12th legion to the 1st legion? No, you can’t do that. It’s tradition. You’re wrong. That’s stupid. Joining the 5th cohort? Why would you join those losers? You’re only hurting yourself. You could be great if you join the 1st cohort instead like a good Roman boy.
So why would he try to do anything that cultivates his identity? Why would he try to do anything that brings him joy if everyone around him is just going to suck it right out?
He has no best friends at Camp Jupiter. He has acquaintances. He has people he’s friendly with. Say what you want but Reyna was a coworker. Dakota was cool, Gwen was nice. But none of them make Jason want to stay at Camp Jupiter instead of Camp Half-Blood. He thinks of Reyna but only in terms of he doesn’t want to saddle her with the responsibility of picking a new praetor. He thinks about duty. When he is picking between the camps he’s weighing his options between doing his duty as he’s done his whole life or picking himself for the very first time ever and he picks himself.
And it’s honestly so fucking depressing that the first time Jason picks himself and is actually supported in his decision happens when he is sixteen years old. And most of the people supporting him have only known him for a month.
But then he saddles himself with duty and responsibilities because that’s all he’s ever known and Percy is dying and Jason is a good Roman and a good hero and his job is to sacrifice his life for everyone else because of course it is. So he takes on Pontifex Maximus to build shrines and temples to minor gods and goddesses (not that they shouldn’t be honored but… once again he’s sacrificing his identity for the good of everyone around him).
And then, just as he’s finally discovering an identity for himself—he likes physics, he’s learning about the mortal world and living in it, he’s becoming more than just Jupiters son and Juno’s perfect hero—he’s killed.
Jason never got to be Jason. He only got to be Jason Grace, son of Jupiter, Praetor of the 12th Legion, slayer of Krios, one of the Seven, Juno’s Champion, Pontifex Maximus. He always belonged to someone else and never himself.
All this to say, Jason is my favorite of the Seven and although he’s not the eldest nor a daughter, as an eldest daughter I relate so hard and feel very seen in him.
Memories
When I was fourteen, 2 years ago, I met my friend who is now one of my closest friends ever. I knew she would be my friend when I saw her first. When I comfort someone, I speak the way she does.
This year I met a friend in January, we never talked in school, only online. She is now my best friend. Never did I expect that to happen. Whenever I study I remember how smart she is and how kind she is. I aspire to live to that standard.
When I was 4, I met the only constant in my life I still have . Its been twelve years. I can trust her with all my heart. We became good friends when we were thirteen. She taught me how to be passionate and work towards my goals.
My brother is someone I will and always care for. It’s been 9 years since he was born. It feels like my life only started after he was born. I don’t remember much of the time before he existed. The first clear memory I have is the day he was born and I got to meet him and carry him. He was so tiny. His hands the size my nose. I don’t think I will ever forget that day. He taught me how to be selfless.
My parents are my lifeline. I’ve disappointed them too many times. They still care and always will. They trust me no matter what I do. They taught me to be resilient and responsible. If there is a reason I believe I can achieve my dreams, It’s because of them. I owe them everything.
I am nothing but a culmination of these people and I hope to live a life where they never stop influencing me.
Doubt
A sixteen year old girl in India isn’t supposed to feel love from anyone but family. I get that. Not because it’s right. But because there is no chance of anyone ever liking me for me.
I’m never myself. Having a persona for every person is tiring. I’m not being fake. Each person unlocks a different part of me and that’s what they see. No one sees me for me. I don’t know myself either. I wish there was a way to completely disconnect from my body and see the way i talk and move. I’m sure the way i speak is weird. People think I’m being open and not secretive but the truth is i overshare about small tiny things that don’t matter. Like the cat that we found in the parking area or how I went to eat out.
I do feel love. I feel love from the people who care. My parents. My brother especially. He never turns down a hug. My friends make sure I know that they care but I can’t trust most of them. I don’t know why.
Maybe if I knew myself well and don’t doubt everything life would feel better. But it’s okay. It’s getting better. Maybe everything would be better if I could switch off the over analyzing part of my brain. But for now I live in doubt. I don’t know when it will get better. All I know is that it will someday. Someday I will be happy.
Nobody realizes how much energy and time it takes for me to just exist normally.
Different Person
I’m a different person than who I was a year ago. I cry more often. I can’t focus. Life feels like it's falling apart. Hopefully, it gets better soon. My hair is now shorter, and I’m about 2 centimeters taller.
But really, not much has changed. I don’t feel like a different person-- at least, not outwardly. People treat me the same.
But I know something has shifted. It’s not a good difference, not a bad difference either. I’m just not the same person anymore.
I think I’ve had a few days where I have been accepting of myself this year.
I have more friends now. I don’t know if I can trust most of them but I think I might with time.
I think I have no emotional permanence. I could be falling apart and the next moment I’ll be the happiest person to exist. I feel like I numb my feelings on purpose.
I can’t believe this year is coming to an end already.
It’s a weird feeling, people describing you from some time ago and you can recollect what you felt as facts, not emotions.
I’m a different person than who I was a year ago. I don’t know how, But I am.
listen being the eldest child sucks but i just got to teach my younger siblings how to fold paper airplanes and like. shit man
PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU VOTE!
And Mata Shri.
you aren't the eldest child in an indian family if you don't have a feud going on with your dad on basically everything
In my next life i'm checking no siblings off of my list of shit that gives me the Ick
You know your fucked up in the head when you can longer make sense of what is it you feel anymore. You know your messed up when you can't tell the difference between what's love and what isn't because, some of your family members are really weird and toxic. Instead you rather wait for the 𝙊𝙉𝙀 because, you feel you'll be able to trust him more than your own kinfolk. Until that happens your an endless void of unhealed problems and people say others have it worser than you as excuse of not to hear your ranting. Why not just tell me you don't give a shit to my face? That would be better than lying about everything. If I ever get hugged again, I won't be able to get hugged without breaking down. To not have a father there too is a huge gash in my side, you get jealous seeing others bond with their two parents who are still together or just bonding with their father. You can only think about how'd you'd take all your pain out on him if he ever bothers to show back up. You crave the love and affection that you see others have and know that you'll never get it. It just consumes you and turns you bitter, making you rot on the inside slowly decaying. You manage to hide all of that though beneath your facade trying to build a strong mentality up from the that.
I can't talk right now, I'm doing eldest daughter shit.
*raising my brother while simultaneously not getting involved too much or else I'm going to get yelled at*
*calling my dad out on his shit*
*being a third parent*
*teaching my brother and cousin English because no one else in my family can and I apparently sound like I'm British even though I'm literally not*
*constantly burned out*
*being my mum's therapist*
*being my friend's therapist*
*being an exact replica of my dad*
*giving more affection to my brother than anyone else because I don't want him to end up like me*
*being unable to express verbal affection*
*found family is one of my favourite tropes*
*wanting to move out for college but being too scared to leave my brother alone*
It is a wonderful day to remember that one time I went on a date with this super cute boy and halfway through, I see one of my brother's friends climb up something and I went all "eldest daughter" on him like full on
"get down. You're going to get hurt and it's not going to be my fault. Seriously, get down immediately. "
And I thought the eldest daughter thing didn't have long lasting consequences on my personality.
Not me sitting at the dinner table listening to my mum berate my brother's professor's for the same things my professors did to me at that age, the only difference being that I came sobbing to her and she didn't say anything.
Fenyx Update
As a writer, I really like the sound of 'Goddess of Storytelling' but I absolutely refuse if it means that dick of a brother has to rule as a god too. This especially irks me because I’m the older sibling and I REFUSE to submit, I'M the one that commands fear in this household