Dirty Poetry - Tumblr Posts
If Juno taught us anything, it's that chair sex will only lead to problems
A spry and athletic young pair
Once tried to have sex on a chair.
She let the chair tip,
He panicked and slipped,
And got splinters up his derriere.
Too soon?
Hoitily-toitily
SNL's Samberg had
Asked an alluring young
Lady to dance.
Finding some privacy
Andy excitedly,
Anti-climactically
Jizzed in his pants.
This is why you should always drink on an empty stomach
There was once a big oaf named McGill,
Who quite stupidly drank himself ill.
He threw up wine corks,
Two meals with three forks
And a chewed-upon five dollar bill.
A Crude (Yet Creative) Crossover
First, let me introduce you to the lovely Jill and Alice: Nyphomanical Jill Used a dynamite stick for a thrill. They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits in Brazil. Nyphomanical Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In South Carolina And her asshole in Brazil.
Before we progress, a short chemistry lesson: dynamite consists of a chemical called TNT which is short for TriNitroToluene.
Now that we've all gotten to know each other rather intimately and brushed up our chemistry vocabulary, I present to you The Great Poetry Mashup:
Higgledy piggledy, Alice of Limerick Nymphomaniacally Tried something new: Heterosexual Use of the chemical Trinitrotolulene's Foolish to do.
Source: Hic et ubique's post on this discussion thread.
The Curious Incident of the Thumb in the Nighttime: a Prelude
I wrote this limerick a while ago and in doing so, somehow came up with two different ending I like so much that I can't choose one over the other. I'm putting them in two separate posts (they each deserve as much), so feel free to tell me what you think of the them/which one you like more.
The Cork
There once was a clever young lass
Who slept with her thumb up her ass.
When asked why she did it,
She said "To inhibit
Self-suffocation from gas."
You know that bitter nail polish people wear when they're trying to stop biting their nails...
There once was a clever young lass
Who slept with her thumb up her ass.
When asked why she did it,
She said "To inhibit
Thumb-sucking, until the phase passed."
When simply crossing your legs isn't enough
A germaphobe from Cedar Falls
Detested those little blue stalls.
Refusing to poo
In the portable loo,
He exploded and coated the walls.
A few notes on the creative process
I was thinking of writing a rhyme
With metric feet read out in time.
And it's likely I'll hide
A crude joke inside,
If your thoughts are as dirty as mine.
Shameless self-promotion
I heard you like poetry, dirty.
(Now, I swear I'm not being flirty.)
Give my blog a read;
I have what you need
Though my rhymes are sometimes ear-hurty.
There is no better remedy for a sinus infection than an inbox full of filthy limericks.
Dear Anonymous,
Bless your soul and your dirty mind.
Love,
Buckets full of love (and I mean that literally, like your poems),
themanfromnantucket
~
Please publish these as you wish
As they make quite the doggerel dish
I'm keeping them nameless
As they're pretty shameless
But my rhymes make the baskets go *SWISH*
[slam-dunkin'!]
~
There once was a harlot from Ur
Whose pussy was covered in fur
When coming, she'd gush
From Kish to the Kush
Then just go about as she were.
[Points for ancient Middle-eastern geography]
~
Long before King Mithridates
There lived a fine lady 'mong ladies
Who in sexing would quiver
Then squirt like a river
And that's why we have the Euphrates!
[This was my favorite; it is truly beautiful.]
This is why we no longer take Ted to the bar with us
"With ladies," Ted said ''I've no luck
'Cause all of my pick-up lines suck."
To show us his plight,
To the gal on his right,
Said "Hey there; nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"
The circumstances leading to an elderly man being hospitalized for injury to his groin
A dirty old man from Peru
Asked ” Hi there miss, how do you do?”
Then flashed her his balls,
(She was quite appalled)
“Here’s mine; would you show me yours too?”
To boldly go where no man has gone before
There once was a Captain named Kirk
Who had quite a dazzling smirk.
From Scalos to Kelva
This space Casanova
Was likely to "bring home his work".
A Sailor's Life for Me
There once was a sailor named Jimmy
Adept at the hor'zontal shimmy.
He found him a lass
With a pink, supple ass
And filled her right up to the brim-y
~
This poem was written by Raph, whose vile verse has been posted here before.
Thank you for the poem and the interesting new euphemism for sex!
Love's a Witch
Three witches convenes in a coven
And summoned a penis for lovin'.
They found him too cold,
So a witch, who was quite bold,
Heated it in a microwave oven.
*Ding*
Yet another entry from the Rouge Writer Raph.
The Limerick Song as preformed by savageminstrel
Of Meese and Men
There once was a lady named Daisy
Who's rumored to be pretty crazy.
She really cut loose
When she shtupped a moose.
She's quite open-minded, that Daisy.
For the sake of giving everyone a happy ending, I'm going to assume that "very large knife" is innuendo and the dragon and the knight rode off into the sunset together. They moved to New York to get married and lived happily ever after.
October 28th
A dragon was bored with his life
And decided to go seek a wife
But his quest was stopped short
When the dragon was caught
By a knight with a very large knife
...I was inspired:
~
I met a strange pair in St. Barts
Who had the most musical farts.
They'd play classical toots,
And arrangements for glutes -
Muff-flute for select solo parts.
~
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