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Spontaneous Parenthood

(Prompt by @autocrats-in-love : “Are you my new daddy?” The hero’s child asked, blinking up with wide eyes. The villain sighed. “For the last time, I’m trying to kidnap you! Get in the car!”)

The villain was overjoyed when he learned the address of the hero’s real home and was practically vibrating with excitement as he followed the GPS to the location.

“You have arrived at your destination,” a monotone feminine voice announced.

“Yeah yeah, I see it.”

Villain slowed to a stop just in front of a classic suburban home, complete with grass that almost needed to be cut—such was the life of a hero, Villain presumed; too busy to pull out the lawnmower every weekend. He took in the off-white paint and the layered grey shingles on the roof. Two deck chairs sat adjacent to the front door, and a hydrangea bush in full bloom next to the mailbox. There were no cars in the driveway, and the garage was open and empty, beckoning Villain out of his SUV and into the home.

Once inside, he took in the large kitchen, with shiny countertops and a giant island. The living room was just as overwhelming, plush carpet and huge couch not quite properly filling the huge space. There were more doors on the far wall, but Villain found his gaze drawn to the grand staircase settled to his right.

Start upstairs, then work his way down.

Villain ran his hand along the carved wooden banister until he reached the top, then he headed for the farthest door on the hall.

Surely he could find something to use against Hero in this practical mansion.

The sound of footsteps ascending the stairs behind him sent Villain spinning into the nearest room, shutting the door swiftly but silently.

When he turned around, he saw something completely unexpected.

A child, sleeping in a small bed, tucked beneath a Tinker Bell comforter.

There was no time to process the discovery because outside the door, a woman’s voice sounded, “Yeah, it’s still in the shop. Katie’s taking a nap though, so I think I’m gonna let you go. Yeah, finally some Mommy-time. I can’t wait to actually finish this book.”

The voice faded, and Villain breathed a sigh of relief. This, however, was premature.

A new voice, this one tiny and young, caused Villain to jump two feet in the air.

“Who are you?” It asked, and the villain froze.

“Um…” he searched his surroundings for any plausible cover and found nothing but butterfly lamps and Disney Princess dolls.

“I’m a friend of your Dad’s?” He finally tried, uncertainty lacing his tone. He had no idea what kind of acting it took to convince a child, but he figured that probably wasn’t good enough.

His plan was in ruins, house now unsearchable with two occupants. He couldn’t just leave either, the kid would rat him out immediately.

That left only one option.

“I’m taking you somewhere else,” Villain spoke quickly, poking his head out the door to ensure the woman—presumably this girl’s mother—was gone.

“Where?”

“It’s a surprise,” he replied as he took hold of a tiny hand and pulled the girl towards the door.

Kids like surprises, right?

“Uh uh,” she shook her head. “How do I know you’re not a bad man?”

“I am a bad man,” Villain responded automatically. When she tried to pull away from his hand, he scooped her up and started down the stairs quickly.

Distraction. He needed a distraction.

“What’s with the tutu?”

The girl looked down at her outfit: a pink tutu overlaying a pair of Mickey Mouse themed footy-pajamas, complete with an eye patch flipped up over her forehead.

“I’m a fairy Princess pirate!”

She appeared utterly displeased with Villain’s ineptitude at recognizing her incredibly well-established costume.

“Shouldn’t you have a tiara or something?”

Wrong question.

He watched as she took a big breath and opened her mouth and realized he had to act fast.

He said the first thing that popped into his head.

“We can get ice cream!”

Villain grimaced. His current plan was contingent on a child staying quiet for frozen treats. Not his best work.

Luckily, the promise of ice cream seemed to easily override the kid’s survival instincts. Villain would be sure to mention that to Hero when she gets returned.

Speaking of Hero.

“Where’s my Dad?” The little girl asked as they reached the driveway.

“He’s not here right now, but if you come with me you’ll see him soon.”

He unlocked the car, but Hero’s daughter refused to get in.

“I don’t want to go. Why are you here and Dad isn’t?”

Villain opened his mouth to reply before realizing he had no idea how to comfort a confused child, much less one he was kidnapping.

“Let’s just get in the car.”

The girl seemed to think for a moment before she spoke again. Her face shifted from upset to…curious?

“Are you my new daddy?” She asked, blinking up at him with wide eyes.

The villain sighed, exasperated. “For the last time, I’m trying to kidnap you! Get in the car!”

“Daddy told me I shouldn’t get in the car with strangers,” she said sternly, pouting her lip slightly and planting her feet.

“I- okay, you know what, fine. I will be temporarily filling in the role of father in your Dad’s absence. Is that good enough? Can we get in the car now?”

“Sure!” Her face returned to its usual brightness, and she lifted up her arms and made grabby-hands at the villain. Villain loosed a sigh of relief and bent down to lift the child into the car.

“I can’t ride in the front,” she protested, and Villain froze holding her hovering in front of the open passenger side door.

“…right,” Villain hesitated, looking around for anyone to come catch him in the act and solve this problem easily. If the police were called, he could just drop the child and run.

Unfortunately, the street was quiet, and Villain had no legitimate reason to halt this abduction.

Setting the girl back down, Villain closed the door and opened the backseat.

Taking a second attempt at lifting her into the car, this time, she almost reached the leather seat before stopping him again.

“I need my car seat! It’s in case I get in a axe-see-dent,” she sounded, kicking her feet in displeasure.

Villain groaned.

“I don’t have a car seat.”

“That’s not very safe,” Katie—if Villain remembered correctly—crossed her arms and huffed exaggeratedly.

“Okay…I’ll just go…find one,” Villain murmured, mostly to himself.

Villain wandered absently into the garage in search of a car seat. He saw several things he had missed the first time in his excitement. For example, three bikes mounted to the wall, one suspiciously small and pink and sparkly. If the training wheels weren’t a big enough red flag, everything else should have been: a pink life vest, chalk, sidewalk paint, bubble solution. Villain certainly didn’t take Hero for one to occupied by a giant bubble wand in his free time.

By a stroke of luck, he recognized the seat sitting in a corner.

A few minutes later, after studying confusing safety instruction stickers and teaching Katie a few new words in the process, Villain successfully buckled Hero’s child into the seat.

Villain finally settled into the front, driving away after buckling himself—at Katie’s insistence.

“Play Lil Jon!”

“I told you, this is a kidnapping, I’m not going to play you music.”

Katie went silent, and Villain prayed she wasn’t about to burst into tears.

“When are we getting ice cream?”

Villain adjusted his rear view mirror to be able to keep an eye on the kid. Her eyes were locked out the heavily tinted window and her lip was trembling.

He cursed, internally this time.

Villain blamed innate parental instincts as he pulled into the Dairy Queen, ‘Turn Down For What’ blasting through the speakers.

He could feel the beginning of a headache pressing behind his eyes.

It was going to be a long ride.

Spontaneous Parenthood

(Prompt by @autocrats-in-love : “Are you my new daddy?” The hero’s child asked, blinking up with wide eyes. The villain sighed. “For the last time, I’m trying to kidnap you! Get in the car!”)

The villain was overjoyed when he learned the address of the hero’s real home and was practically vibrating with excitement as he followed the GPS to the location.

“You have arrived at your destination,” a monotone feminine voice announced.

“Yeah yeah, I see it.”

Villain slowed to a stop just in front of a classic suburban home, complete with grass that almost needed to be cut—such was the life of a hero, Villain presumed; too busy to pull out the lawnmower every weekend. He took in the off-white paint and the layered grey shingles on the roof. Two deck chairs sat adjacent to the front door, and a hydrangea bush in full bloom next to the mailbox. There were no cars in the driveway, and the garage was open and empty, beckoning Villain out of his SUV and into the home.

Once inside, he took in the large kitchen, with shiny countertops and a giant island. The living room was just as overwhelming, plush carpet and huge couch not quite properly filling the huge space. There were more doors on the far wall, but Villain found his gaze drawn to the grand staircase settled to his right.

Start upstairs, then work his way down.

Villain ran his hand along the carved wooden banister until he reached the top, then he headed for the farthest door on the hall.

Surely he could find something to use against Hero in this practical mansion.

The sound of footsteps ascending the stairs behind him sent Villain spinning into the nearest room, shutting the door swiftly but silently.

When he turned around, he saw something completely unexpected.

A child, sleeping in a small bed, tucked beneath a Tinker Bell comforter.

There was no time to process the discovery because outside the door, a woman’s voice sounded, “Yeah, it’s still in the shop. Katie’s taking a nap though, so I think I’m gonna let you go. Yeah, finally some Mommy-time. I can’t wait to actually finish this book.”

The voice faded, and Villain breathed a sigh of relief. This, however, was premature.

A new voice, this one tiny and young, caused Villain to jump two feet in the air.

“Who are you?” It asked, and the villain froze.

“Um…” he searched his surroundings for any plausible cover and found nothing but butterfly lamps and Disney Princess dolls.

“I’m a friend of your Dad’s?” He finally tried, uncertainty lacing his tone. He had no idea what kind of acting it took to convince a child, but he figured that probably wasn’t good enough.

His plan was in ruins, house now unsearchable with two occupants. He couldn’t just leave either, the kid would rat him out immediately.

That left only one option.

“I’m taking you somewhere else,” Villain spoke quickly, poking his head out the door to ensure the woman—presumably this girl’s mother—was gone.

“Where?”

“It’s a surprise,” he replied as he took hold of a tiny hand and pulled the girl towards the door.

Kids like surprises, right?

“Uh uh,” she shook her head. “How do I know you’re not a bad man?”

“I am a bad man,” Villain responded automatically. When she tried to pull away from his hand, he scooped her up and started down the stairs quickly.

Distraction. He needed a distraction.

“What’s with the tutu?”

The girl looked down at her outfit: a pink tutu overlaying a pair of Mickey Mouse themed footy-pajamas, complete with an eye patch flipped up over her forehead.

“I’m a fairy Princess pirate!”

She appeared utterly displeased with Villain’s ineptitude at recognizing her incredibly well-established costume.

“Shouldn’t you have a tiara or something?”

Wrong question.

He watched as she took a big breath and opened her mouth and realized he had to act fast.

He said the first thing that popped into his head.

“We can get ice cream!”

Villain grimaced. His current plan was contingent on a child staying quiet for frozen treats. Not his best work.

Luckily, the promise of ice cream seemed to easily override the kid’s survival instincts. Villain would be sure to mention that to Hero when she gets returned.

Speaking of Hero.

“Where’s my Dad?” The little girl asked as they reached the driveway.

“He’s not here right now, but if you come with me you’ll see him soon.”

He unlocked the car, but Hero’s daughter refused to get in.

“I don’t want to go. Why are you here and Dad isn’t?”

Villain opened his mouth to reply before realizing he had no idea how to comfort a confused child, much less one he was kidnapping.

“Let’s just get in the car.”

The girl seemed to think for a moment before she spoke again. Her face shifted from upset to…curious?

“Are you my new daddy?” She asked, blinking up at him with wide eyes.

The villain sighed, exasperated. “For the last time, I’m trying to kidnap you! Get in the car!”

“Daddy told me I shouldn’t get in the car with strangers,” she said sternly, pouting her lip slightly and planting her feet.

“I- okay, you know what, fine. I will be temporarily filling in the role of father in your Dad’s absence. Is that good enough? Can we get in the car now?”

“Sure!” Her face returned to its usual brightness, and she lifted up her arms and made grabby-hands at the villain. Villain loosed a sigh of relief and bent down to lift the child into the car.

“I can’t ride in the front,” she protested, and Villain froze holding her hovering in front of the open passenger side door.

“…right,” Villain hesitated, looking around for anyone to come catch him in the act and solve this problem easily. If the police were called, he could just drop the child and run.

Unfortunately, the street was quiet, and Villain had no legitimate reason to halt this abduction.

Setting the girl back down, Villain closed the door and opened the backseat.

Taking a second attempt at lifting her into the car, this time, she almost reached the leather seat before stopping him again.

“I need my car seat! It’s in case I get in a axe-see-dent,” she sounded, kicking her feet in displeasure.

Villain groaned.

“I don’t have a car seat.”

“That’s not very safe,” Katie—if Villain remembered correctly—crossed her arms and huffed exaggeratedly.

“Okay…I’ll just go…find one,” Villain murmured, mostly to himself.

Villain wandered absently into the garage in search of a car seat. He saw several things he had missed the first time in his excitement. For example, three bikes mounted to the wall, one suspiciously small and pink and sparkly. If the training wheels weren’t a big enough red flag, everything else should have been: a pink life vest, chalk, sidewalk paint, bubble solution. Villain certainly didn’t take Hero for one to occupied by a giant bubble wand in his free time.

By a stroke of luck, he recognized the seat sitting in a corner.

A few minutes later, after studying confusing safety instruction stickers and teaching Katie a few new words in the process, Villain successfully buckled Hero’s child into the seat.

Villain finally settled into the front, driving away after buckling himself—at Katie’s insistence.

“Play Lil Jon!”

“I told you, this is a kidnapping, I’m not going to play you music.”

Katie went silent, and Villain prayed she wasn’t about to burst into tears.

“When are we getting ice cream?”

Villain adjusted his rear view mirror to be able to keep an eye on the kid. Her eyes were locked out the heavily tinted window and her lip was trembling.

He cursed, internally this time.

Villain blamed innate parental instincts as he pulled into the Dairy Queen, ‘Turn Down For What’ blasting through the speakers.

He could feel the beginning of a headache pressing behind his eyes.

It was going to be a long ride.

Reposting because I spelled "transcendental" wrong in the tags the first time

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Writing Prompt #1

Person A: Stop it, guys. I hate it when mommy and daddy fight. Person B: I don't. Two Christmases are almost worth the price of therapy.