IF DROWNING COULD BE PLEASANT, It Might Feel Something Like This, Izzy Thinks As He Feels Himself Drift

      IF DROWNING COULD BE PLEASANT, it might feel something like this, izzy thinks as he feels himself drift deeper down down down into the kiss. the sensation of someone touching him so gently is pleasant, & the hand pressed against his chin is large & soft. & he does like it, he decides at last. so much so that when lucius stops to speak, izzy can’t help but groan quietly in protest. & it quickly turns into a scowl when lucius taps the side of his head. ❝ what is it with everyone on this fucking ship's obsessive need to — ❞ he cuts himself off with an aggravated sigh, refusing to let bonnet's favorite phrase leave his mouth. not here, not now.

            but izzy still doesn’t release his hold on lucius’ jacket, eyes downcast as he fiddles absently with the lapel. it takes him a moment, weighing the words carefully on his tongue before he lets them out. ❝ i don't want to talk, ❞ he finally says, voice low but steady. ❝ i want to keep kissing you. i want to touch you. ❞ as if to make the point, his gloved hand reaches out to rest just above the other man’s knee. & izzy slowly pulls his eyes up lucius’ body, for the first time truly allowing himself to appreciate the slope of his torso, the broadness of his chest, the kiss-flushed shade of his lips. ❝ i want to see you, & — ❞ he pauses, breath going shallow. ❝ & i want you to see me... underneath all this, i mean. ❞

izzy curls his hand around his light jacket again,   bringing them closer still and lucius lets out a laugh,  small,  more breath huffing out of his lips than sound.   '  like that,  do you?  '    lucius has certainly no complaints about it to make.  and besides,  he has better things to do,  like for example shifting just enough so that he can put one hand on izzy's leather clad shoulder while the other daringly comes to rest at the man's jaw,  skin on skin.  heart skipping a tiny beat,  lucius has to remind himself that izzy asked to be touched,  that this is fine,  all good,  nothing to worry about.  the angriest,  possibly most repressed man he's ever met,  allowed lucius to touch him, to lead him to a bed,  and is currently kissing him carefully..  gently even?  which is nice,  sure,  but. 

'  i'm not going to break.  you don't have to hold back if you don't want to.  '   on his part,  lucius is keeping his own touch considerate,  grounding rather than hurried  —  not because he is scared or inexperienced,  god no,  but simply because this should be a safe space,  one where izzy can let himself have this without shoving it away as fast as he can.   '  tell me what's going on in here,  '   he speaks quietly,  voice steady,  as he lightly taps a finger to izzy's temple.   '  tell me exactly what you want.  '

     IT’S BEEN NEARLY THREE YEARS, but izzy still comes out to this beach almost every day around sunset. he’s long since lost hope of billy coming back here ( his darkest instincts have been reminding him that he might be dead since the sixth month without him ). so izzy tells himself that it’s not about him — it’s just that this is the only place he feels really relaxed. so he's not expecting it when he sees a familiar halo of blonde curls backlit by the sun, catches sight of a form he’d memorized years ago. & he's like a moth pulled into the light, finds himself walking across the sand as if in a trance until he's standing right in front of billy.

                                   he looks different — the first thing that izzy notices is the raised scars that track across his forearms, a little lighter than the rest — & yet the same. there are the same eyes he remembers, the same smile, the same thick lashes, & the same laugh when izzy breaks the silence. & izzy feels the air he hadn't even realized he'd been holding in rush out of his lungs, permission given to breathe again.

              ❝ yeah, i fuckin' can. ❞ he says, giving a sharp laugh of his own. he wants to ask where have you been, & what really happened to you, & do you forgive me for letting you go, & did you miss me the way i missed you ? but izzy isn't sure that he can handle the answers to any of those just yet. so instead he goes with ❝ what took you so long ? ❞ & he wants to hug billy, wants to pull him in close & not let go. but there's someone else there with them, someone with a tall swoop of dark hair standing a way back, as if he doesn't want to interrupt them. but he's watching, & izzy suddenly feels his defenses rising, a dark cloud cast over their reunion. ❝ who's that ? ❞

i don't know whether to be pissed or be thrilled to see you again. — from izzy

billy doesn't know what to feel. the warmth of the ocean breeze hit his face a while ago. and. and it should be enough. it should be enough. but. it isn't. suddenly miles and miles of fucking distance feels like nothing because now it's nothing. and he cannot remember the last time he saw izzy. it feels so long ago. and he'd told steve, he'd said. that he didn't think izzy would be here. but there was no denying. the possibility was there. and he'd be honest because he's going on this fucking healing journey or some fucking shit. because getting your guts stabbed in all directions kinda tends to change your view on life. but it's not. it's not that. it's the fact that billy's feet can feel the sand between his two and izzy is there like he's been waiting since the day billy got dragged tooth and nailed to certain fucking death. it's. it's a lot. and billy is kinda glad izzy says something because billy could have in fact fucking fainted before being able to day anything. like. sorry i left without saying anything. and you had to know what happened. and you knew, we both know you knew. and i missed you. and i thought you weren't going to be here. and do you miss me?

but he just stands there and billy laughs, because life is fucking ridiculous and god has a thing against billy. like it's a given. he looks to a side, and sees the ocean. and he feels seventeen again. feels sixteen again. on the beach. "-come on man." he starts, like not a single day has passed since they have been here. his heart feels heavy almost. he doesn't know. but when has he ever known "i think you can be both." he smirks at him. like this isn't altering the way billy is breathing. like. like he isn't dying to hold him again. something is different about billy. he can't hide it. dying does that to you.

@musecraft

the gang's all here ! to make your own.

       THE REVENGE ISN’T FAR AWAY, & izzy begins to return to her as soon as lucius is aboard the tender. the more his shoulders burn, the harder he pulls. the growing ache actually distracts from the sharper pain in his foot, & he endures it without complaint. yet he can’t help but wince at lucius’ question. he has no answer to give. while izzy would truthfully be glad to be rid of the lot of them — they were by far the most pathetic & infuriating crew he’d ever sailed with — that didn’t mean he would delight their slow painful death. besides, he's certain that even if he tried, edward wouldn’t be talked into keeping them aboard in his current state. izzy doesn't want to admit it, but something seems different about his captain’s rage this time, the ire he himself had unleashed. & he fears that lucius is right — that there will be no coming back from this ledge he's pushed them to.

                  ❝ i know he is, ❞ izzy snaps, voice ragged with exertion. the fresh injury on his foot throbs as if to remind him of the risk he's taking in disobeying his captain's orders, & he flinches in spite of himself. ❝ but we don't have much choice, do we ? if you'd rather take your chances with the sharks, you're welcome to jump back in. ❞ there is no lantern lit in the windows of the captain's cabin as they draw near, & the ship is peaceful & quiet. it seems that edward is still lost to his drunken sleep. izzy pulls them alongside until he finds the ladder he'd left waiting. & when he turns back toward lucius his voice is softer, almost gentle, as if he's trying to soothe his nerves. ❝ go, head straight belowdeck. i'll be right behind you. you'll be safe, just stay hidden. ❞

usually lucius would have some things to say about the reassurance he is being offered   (   okay,  quite a lot of things   ).  but in this nut case of a situation,  while he is still shivering and his throat feels scraped raw,  izzy's words don't sound entirely jarring.  or unwelcome,  even.  it's just nice to hear it and even nicer to believe him,  as baffling as it might seem:  izzy hands is a lot of things,  most of them not exactly positive,  but lucius supposes he can trust him when it comes to getting out of sticky situations,  when it's about improving his chances of survival.  and really,  they were painfully low before the man showed up like a mirage in the night,  before either sharks or fatigue could do the boy in for good.  even the usual snark isn't met with too much fuss.  lucius simply secures the blanket tighter around himself and when the eye roll comes it's more out of a matter of habit,  almost entirely half-hearted,  than actual grievance.

it takes being told not to worry, instead, to startle him out of the numbness taking hold of his limbs.  it shakes him out of the comforting darkness where what just happened to him is a distant dot on the horizon,  a nightmare he simply has to wake up from.   '  yeah?  and what will happen to them while i hide away in one of stede's ridiculous secret rooms or something?  '   voice crushed into a mixture of vitriol and disbelief,  lucius edges closer to the side of the little boat,  rendered suddenly aware of which side izzy would inevitably take in all of this,  when not covered by night and whatever blissful state of ignorance blackbeard has stumbled over.  he really should stop there,  shut his mouth and wait,  do as he is told,  yet the memory of fear turns his tongue sharp.   '  he is out of his mind,  hope you know that.  '

And that was our first kiss. Amongst the dirty socks, with the smell of sweat and dirt, and both of us covered in blood. It was perfect.

MY MAD FAT DIARY, 2x01 - “Alarm”