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When I close my eyes you're still here

I can see it all so clear

Your hair in my face

A voice to fill this empty space

I'm caught in your gaze

Under these sheets lost for days

Then I awake

3am

Apparition never stays

I no longer have a heart beat

But the heartache stays

Phantom pains

I could be on a one way train

Still clueless to where I'm going

I've had my father point a gun at me. It was a few weeks before my divorce. I went over to my parents house to see if he was stashing any extra money because for the past 2 or 3 years I been grossing 500000+ and each year my dad said we are broke. That's when I went over. My uncle attacked me from behind when I was going through the safe to try to find money to count. Apparently he was punching my head which you'll just hurt your hand doing. I've broken a windshield with my head once before and didn't feel much. But In this moment I was thinking to myself you have to become that person of violence. I know we don't like it but you're being attacked. When my vision came to I started striking back. As soon as the first punch landed he turtled up. And that's the different between the two. The one who comes alive and the one who hides when violence arises. During my retaliation I look to my left and see my dad pointing a gun at me. So I duck under my uncle and was trying to weave around. My sister came in and that's when my dad broke his line of sight from me to her. I took this moment to throw whatever money I had to count at him because no one is worth doing over a couple 1000s.

I stopped talking to my parents from there on. They are dead to me.

Me too stranger. . . Me too

Figure I'll share another dark part of my past

I only do these because each one has lessons for me. People just see who I am today but don't know all the dark and twisted paths I had to go down to be here. At this time i was about 17 years old. This one is called

Rabbit

My sister somehow saved a little brown bunny from a cat. It was so small that it could sit in my palm. It had a big cut from the cats claw on its back side. We was able to stop the bleeding. I already had a bunny. His name was sir hops alot or bunny money. But i got the brown bunny a box because I wasn't sure if he could be in the same cage and I was going to do more research in the morning. Before bed I check on him and he was gasping for air. I've seen this before in other animals. It's always fatal and I am not a vet. It's also 11 o'clock at night. So I knew one thing that it was going to die. I told myself but you know what you have to do right. I started taking deep breaths and I picked up him carefully. I finally close my eyes and held my breath. Grabbing his upper body with one hand and his head with the other. With a quick twist it was done. I buried him the next day. I wish it could've been different. I tried to redesign the plan. But it didn't matter if you was in my hands or in the cat's paws. You was marked for death either way. Maybe next time I won't stand in the way because all I could give you was mercy. A death less painful. But it is I who has to carry this pain isn't it ?

It was never about the sex. Just the after. Where it isn't possible for our bodies to touch anymore than they already are. But I'll try and pull you closer. Pushing into me as if our atoms could become one. Burying my face into your neck. Just how I bury my doubts. Into you.

I've been crying alot lately

Hard sadness turning into soft sadness

Becoming easier to mold

Rivalry

I March forward with time

Time is always by my side

But never on my side

Reminding me I must keep moving forth with intention

Pain has become my mistress so I can always be loved

There is never a right moment

Only moments that feel right

So simple yet so felt

I miss

Your smile

Your laugh

The way you make me feel lighter

I miss your time and attention

Death came to claim my life. I laughed in her face then said "you don't have enough silver to pay for it. All the suffering, all the despair. You think it's cheap? You better let Happiness take some of that debt then try me again"

I wrote this 12 years ago. Kind of like it maybe it can lead to something

Ill be the wrong and you be the right

Ill be the darkness so you can be the light

Ill lead them to the rope

For you to be the hope

We all hold sadness like yang. It's just easier to not notice it when life feels okay. When life starts feeling like it's going wrong that's when we notice the sad. It been there the whole time before and never mattered. Is it because it's more apparent? Now the happy gets overlooked. But it is still there too. Yin still holds happiness.

Sorrow for sorrow

I been wanting to try to start something. If something keeping you down feel free to share with me. But let me tell you one of my sorrows first.

I lost my childhood dog. His name was Lucky. We saved him from someone who was breeding them to fight. Lucky was a blue pit bull. He lived for 14 years. A great companion he was. I miss him so even years after his passing.

Your turn

I don't think most people are bad. We're just learning how to be good

They call it magic because it deceives the eye

I call it your love because you deceived my heart

I try to be diverse in my writings. To be a philosopher just as much as a poet. Too see life and the mystery it holds.

I keep being honest because if you do one good thing the others are easier to achieve

If you are humble it is easier to be grateful, patience, and kind.

I can control what I do to the world but not what the world does around me.

When I finally sleep at night a good conscience makes a good pillow

As I'm signing these papers i feel sad

But I also think how fun it would be to fall in love again

Possibly with the same person

I feel a poem writing itself

I spent most of my life looking for truth. A lot of truths aren't universal truths but situational.

These are the universal truths I found that applies to everyone

Everybody lies. Only variable is about what

We live life to suffer but you can choose how you want to suffer

It isn't about what you believe but how you believe to achieve enlightenment

Freedom and equality can not co exist

I've had the idea of purpose all wrong. An individual doesn't need purpose but it's how the individual applies purpose to their life.

I've wondered all my life looking for a good place to call home. I see now I have it all wrong. Anywhere I anchor my roots into will have its flaws. There will always be something to complain about. But where you see the opportunity to complain there's also the opportunity to grow. Hardships can still quench your thirst. Just keep reaching for the sun.

I been writing a poetry book

100 pages of you

It's for my love

I'm 80 pages in

I only shared 60% on here

Very exciting