I Am 100% Willing To Stake My Professional Reputation As The Lead Ornithographist For The Academy Of

I am 100% willing to stake my professional reputation as the Lead Ornithographist for The Academy of Bird Sciences on the fact that the bird pictured above is incorporeal and furthermore that leucism is in fact a fraud perpetuated by the so-called ‘scientific’ community.

Animals live or die by their coloration; white animals only exist in areas with intense snowfall, and even then the coloration tends towards seasonal and not year-round and is used primarily for camouflage. Most non-scientists are aware of this fact, and can explain trivially how animals that don't blend in with their environment are easily spotted. As a consequence, any animal that stands out will be at much higher risk of predation.

Surely that should be enough to debunk this "leucism" business, but there is one exception to this law of nature. Albinism is an actual variation of natural colours; it is a genetic anomaly which renders the animal incapable of producing pigment. This can be ruled out in the Phantom Hummingbird pictured above, however, as the eyes are not the characteristic pink seen so often in albino creatures. It is also not a bird species known for seasonal colour variation, so you can't say it is winter camouflage either.

Really, the only conclusion left is that the bird pictured is in fact a ghost. I'll grant that it runs counter to "established" animal lore but quite frankly? Classification errors are made all the time by scientists on the bleeding edge of practically any field of study. At most I will be willing to grant that the above bird has suffered from exposure to the afterlife and has with the shock lost all of the colour from their feathers. Life often looks like death when it has encountered it so intimately, after all.

But honestly, I just wanted to clear the air on this and defend the TABS field interns who work so hard to bring this information to the world in the first place. Lots of people say they are interested in learning cool new things, but very few are willing to do the actual fieldwork necessary to expand our knowledge of the world. Overall though there are just enough people willing to doubt the given explanations by the so called 'learned establishment' that we can continually advance our understanding of the universe. Glad I had the opportunity to address this; for more information please refer to the first letter in every sentence of this response.

Once believed to be local superstition, Phantom Hummingbirds have been confirmed to exist. Incapable of direct interaction with the physical plane, these etherial flappers nevertheless show aggression towards more conventionally-present hummingbirds. Whether this is due to perceived slights in their previous life or simple envy over the ability to drink nectar, nobody knows.

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I really cannot stand speciesist shit like this. We already know why swooping season exists and painting these intelligent and compassionate birds as (to directly quote the article) “foul feathered balls of hate” not only ignores the reality of the situation but also contributes to more violence against Magpies. Human society needs to atone for what they did to these gifted guerrillas. I am not yet an accredited ornithosociodynamicist so I can’t speak as to how exactly how we would go about repairing the extensive damage we have wrought, but I know for a fact that treating them as they are, the rightful inhabitants of the area, will go a long way towards proving our respect.

It’s spring in Australia… which means magpies. This article sums up the situation quite well…

I for one welcome our new feathered overlords. 

Debate continues over whether the uncouth habits and antisocial mannerisms so engrained into older Gross Blue Herons are instinctual or learned. While there is compelling evidence towards their instinctive distaste for proper grooming (seen in the juvenile specimen above), they appear to learn their social cues from their parents. Above, a young Gross Blue Heron pays careful attention to their parent savagely attacking a field intern.

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One of the more well-known aspects of Zoroastrianism is the ‘sky burial’, where your body is placed on top of a tower and left for carrion birds to devour. As it is a religious ceremony it might be covered under the First Amendment but please check your local ordinances before leaving your corpse on a tower as the Health Department may take issue and it is a pain getting building permits in the first place. ‘Best’ is a very relative term, birds have digestive systems to suit their various diets. Lammergeiers are capable of dissolving bones, Turkey Vultures have acids powerful enough that diseases are killed by it, and the less said about Chickadees the better. That is a question more suited to @blurds but I can tell you first-hand it is harrowing and you do not ever want to experience it. As remarked upon by scholars Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J in their treatise Miracles, Pelicans can and will attempt to engulf you and your personal property in their hellish expansible maws. Do not seek out Pelicans, for they are already seeking out you. Do Not Feed Yourself To Birds Please Everybody Stop Asking Me How

In the mist they gather. Pelicans are in the mist. Stay clear of the Pelicans, stay clear of the mist. We don’t know why they gather, the pelicans. Not yet. They are in the mist and no reasons are yet found. Be safe, be gone from the mist pelicans. If you see a pelican in the mist, use the selfie camera on your phone or your regulation Birding Mirror to make sure there is not one also behind you. Stay safe.

okay yes sure you had a good day

BUT

did you get a cool nerf gun?

because i did

i mean yeah i also filled out a bunch of paperwork to get my name/gender marker legally changed but this tiny collapsible nerf gun is the highlight of the day

it’s so clicksome