My "dad" Made Me Feel Awful This Morning

My "dad" made me feel awful this morning

And after that he acted so surprised

And later my "mum" said she suspects that I want to do something....and by something she meant kill myself

I mean she's not so wrong but yet wrong

It's not like I am preparing something but I am thinking about that every day

what if the only way to not feel bad is to stop feeling anything at all forever?

⚠️tw meanspo

Is it self control ?

YOU REALLY CALL IT SELF CONTROL?

Eating too much

Taking another piece of cake

And another

Why ?

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT, YOU UGLY PIECE OF SHIT?

What about your goal ?

You fucked it up, you fucker!

You're worthless

And ugly

And stupid

You're not better than a pig

Piglets are at least cute.... you're not

Why?

Because you eat all the time!

You're fat!

You better quit

Stop eating, motherfucker

You want to be skinny ?

Stop eating

So today I've been at little competition that took place in my stable (I wasn't a participant)

And I got kicked by a horse in my hand

And my emotions after that were literally like that

And after I told my trainer about that "those plates" fell on the ground and shattered in million pieces

I've been crying for like 20 minutes

I felt bad about me crying, I felt weak, useless

I wanted to be buried alive that moment

My hand is okay btw....just swollen and bruised but fine

I'm so proud of myself today

Look at it

It's my the best day ever !

⚠️tw idk what's that, it might be triggering⚠️

I can't stop eating

I see food and I eat

Even if I am full, even if I feel like I'll vomit in a second

I'm eating

And eating

And eating

Like I've never eaten anything

And I feel bad

I wanna cry

I wanna vomit

I wanna disappear

I don't want to be here

I feel obsessed with food but also obsessed with not eating

Like I wanna be skinny as fuck but at the same time I eat

Please someone help me

Help me

Because....

I can't do that anymore